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As of August 31st I'll be going back to being a house turtle for Nikki. Just knowing there is an end has lifted a lot of the stress of it all. On top of my add issues and everyone thinking I'm stupid, there is a lot of bias because they're all Christians and I'm an atheist (something I did NOT introduce into any conversations, but my supervisor who is also my aunt did), I'm a liberal in a conservative group (same deal, I had no need to discuss things at work, but she apparently felt the need to announce my views for me), and there was an uncomfortable conversation with a coworker when I had finally snapped everyone should be treated equal and he said he bet I was the type to believe you could be born in the wrong gender too. This was just before I found out about Nikki, and after finding out it's just really uncomfortable for me on every level there is, from actual work only where it's so disorganized and unstructured I never get anything right to the social aspect of it. And I still feel like everyone judges me for not being better at it, for giving up and taking over the home things and letting Nikki deal with earning a living, for whatever. It's so socially trained in me that I have some sort of duty to do something 'productive' by everyone else's standards that now there is a sort of internal shame struggle that makes no real sense. I suppose it comes from being out of step with everyone else my whole life, I just automatically assume everything I do is wrong on some level. Nikki has been great about it, and keeps reinforcing how important it is to him that I"ll be more available to him. That helps. Sometimes I just make myself crazy. I'm torn between freedom from having to force myself to try to get it right and feeling like I'm letting everyone down. Gyah.

We came away from Nikki's doctors today with the awareness that diabetes might be rearing it's ugly head, that part is pretty unpleasant, but on a brighter note we also came away with a prescription for Zoloft to help with the biological part of the dysthymia. FINALLY! I hope this stuff works, I hope none of the potential bad side effects manifests, I just want Nikki to be better. And, in a weird way, I am happy it took this long. The doctor was thorough making sure she's giving him the right prescription for the right reasons. That matters hugely, I just sound ungrateful because I was frustrated and it's hard to be on the outside watching someone else suffer and you can't help. It really, really sucks. So today I"m pinning all my hope on this stuff, and maybe that's foolish, but it will or it won't work, doesn't hurt to be hopeful right now.

It's been 8 months since I have been on HRT, and I am feeling great. It's amazing how smooth my process has been. I am a senior in high school and I already have my name and gender marker changed legally and I am living my life authentically, I am extremely proud of how far I have come in just 2 years. I have opened so many people's minds about my community and I have been given so many opportunities so represent my community. I can't wait to experience more!

Mental health issues is a tricky road to navigate no matter what the diagnosis is. In my experience, only the people who WANT to be healthy have a snowball's chance to do so, without that internal and honest desire for health it never goes well.

I'm glad you found your way out of the bad relationship. Been there, done that! I'm sure you have grown wiser from the experience. I usually find that there is something to take away from every relationship, no matter how painful. Bipolar disorder is a complex disease. I've seen people try self medication through marijuana or other drugs. I've also seen them quit taking their prescribed medication without medical supervision. Both have always been a disaster. Somehow I've known quite a few people with the disorder. Properly supervised they seem to lead reasonably normal lives but I've never seen alternative treatments work. I may be wrong, but I've never seen it. Wishing you the best as you move forward with your life. Hugs, Lori

This is another post semester entry. This last semester has been so rough and yet so rewarding I cannot put into words how far I have come. Today is May 12,2016. Exactly one year ago I was lamenting about not having started T, and being at least two years from being able to afford surgery. Now here I am having been on T for nearly seven months and anticipating surgery in the next eight months. In the span of a year I have gone from being the victim of hard circumstances to being become an advocate for others around me. I am writing today to share positivity and support for everyone who privileges me with their viewership. Life gets better. Life will always get better. In the last month, I have had the full cycle of Karma decimate me in some aspects and restore, sometimes build me up in others. I got side swiped by a tractor trailer in my smart car and lived. not only did I live, but I didn't have that much damage to me or the car. In that same day and after much fighting I was told in front of a board of deans and students that we would get a gender neutral bathroom. I broke up with my long time partner, again, but I was told my chest surgery will be at the end of this year. I have stepped into the role of unofficial student liaison to the LGBT community. Last week I was awarded a full scholarship to my college and I won three awards. One of which was recognition of my work towards equality on our campus and the community at large. It was in the name of and presented to me by my IDOL! The man whom inspired me to be the BEST I can be and have no regrets.

It's just so frustrating. I'm not an atheist who needs to convince anyone to join me. I respect everyone's right to whatever belief system they embrace. I mock no one, and accept whatever they tell me as their personal truth about how they view life, the universe, and everything. But at my job I'm constantly made fun of for not being christian, told I'm going to hell and do this for me, it's always there. It's a WORKPLACE, not a freakin' church. I was slipping by quietly for years til she decided to announce it to everyone, because I have zero need to challenge anyone's beliefs or faith, I only challenge them LEGISLATING it. We can all practice our own beliefs and life ethics without forcing them on others. I have been luckier than Lee, no bloody noses, but the constant 'you have to join our beliefs' pressure here does get wearing. I could probably understand it better if I was also more 'live like me' about it, but I figure the whole point of freedom of religion is actually about being free to choose what religion, mix and match, or choose no religion as your life experience moves you. Guess not here. Sometimes I'm just really beaten down by it. Nikki may disagree with you, I snapped at him last night. Ah, marital squabbles.

Dysthimia's longer name is Persistant Depressive Disorder. It's a long term disorder that has both an emotional and a biological component, so both need to be (and are in this case) treated. The biggest dangers are that it makes people vulnerable to bigger depressive episodes and normalizing the disorder and not realizing it IS a disorder and your quality of life has been sucked out and it's not just "how I am". Apparently a lot of people normalize this and don't even realize they have a treatable emotional disorder, luckily Nikki hasn't forgotten what everything used to feel like and realized he has a problem and wants to get better. It's good to hear from someone whose used the mediation without any issues!

Like our friend, Michael (Usernameoptional) advised: keep pounding it out on your keyboard. I think what you write makes a lot of sense. Good on you to know what you're feeling so you can write about it. Keep it up. Emma

Dear Emma and Veronica, It is difficult sorting out what is a person's character vs. alcohol/drug addiction and severe mental illness. As for being a "better angel," (lest I be flattering myself - LOL!), I feel that as I strive to grow spiritually, the more lonely it gets. Of course, my relationship with the Higher Power comes first. Can't compromise on that, and when I do, it's a disaster! Think I should be looking for a religious order rather than a relationship! LOL! Thank you both for being wonderful friends! Yours truly, Monica

Dear Leo, I think you're awesome. I love your photo and am happy to have you as part of our community. Hugs, Emma

Hi ! It's been a while since back logging on to tgguide community forums! I had two reasons for not logging on regular basis! Firstly I lost access to my tablet due to battery failure and I just bought it on new year's! Secondly I thought I was the only transgender person in a mega city as I reside in! But after my 4 years of hardcore transitions on or off, I have found a exact replica of my cross dressers to transgender community meeting every Monday in my area of residence! To my delight I have witnessed over 200 transgender community people similar to (me ) or diverse range of groups attempting cross dressing to living as either females or males, yes (we, feel like I am a contributor) have female to male individuals eg, # of 3-5 at least etc! It's a very interesting community as myself have been a member of tgguide as a last resort to deal with similar issues yet online only. Only when someone as Monica attempts to unify the best of us by holding (telephone) conference calls was a pleasure. But of course, meeting in person way off on another scale. I knew somewhere in my back of mind there was a community but didn't find it. But now it has been my 4 th month of weekly meetings where government sponsored sexual consent focus groups to online dating seminars to take place, you name it they got it! I hope to promote my YouTube channel for all members of transgender community not only cross dressers! Few that's a big scope. Visit Shazy Jeo on YouTube. Well I better start getting down making videos ciao

Although the origins of the Piñata can be traced back to China it still largely represents Mexico. Just a little tidbit that I thought I would include. The issue that brought me back here to my blog is one that has occurred to me from time to, but today it hit me a little harder than usual. It's really not like me to rush into my local department store and rush right out. However, here I was zooming to the checkout line without making any diversions, as is normal for me. I was in the grocery section, so there weren't any items of my fascination near. My mother lives across the road so I took a stroll. Half way there I remembered passing by the Piñatas and suddenly I actually felt like one. A container holding a fine bounty of treasure that everyone rushes in to take. I'm really the treasure inside and although I really don't want to be beat up with a bat, I do wish it were so simple. Please let me use a mid 20th century slang phrase, "The Man" is trying to beat me down into some idealistic world of fictional truth! It is the world that I have lived in for almost 45 years, until one night I went to dream land and a little girl showed me who I really am. Well, I'm next up to bat and evaluating the strategy of those that have gone before me, reviewing the weakness that I've noticed, choosing my best bat and waiting for my opportunity to knock this paper mache to the ground. Oh, how much do I, (we?) wish that it really could be that simple? xoxoxo The Purple Woman.

No no it's fine, my head just goes creepy places. The Transgender Day of Rememberance was a sobering reminder that for many transpersons it's like I was back then, and it ties together in my head. We Bree's have to look out for each other, right?

Briannah: I used the title as an attention grabber just to pull in readers.A tactic that is used in the media trade, (I've read a couple of books). I never meant for it to scare any one. I know that I am listed as Female and that is because that is what I truly identify as and as a whole consider myself to be. However I haven't begun to transition yet. No, not even H.H.T., and I am quiet the stout girl at 6'3", 300+ lb and (at the moment) still looking like a man, I don't think that anyone is going to mess with me even when I come out to the world as the real me unveiled. BTW my avatar is a representative of what I intend on transitioning into as I also love the goth style and always have although I always dress as the all american country boy. Please forgive me of any deception, to you or anyone whom might be reading this or any of my other Blogs. Thanks xxxx Bree

​Thanks for your concern Briannah. Yes I am quiet ok in the sense of the word that you mean. We all have problems in this life, but being beat up isn't one of mine. ​Yeah, one of the reasons everyone here calls me Briannah is that Nikki made it quite clear horrible things happen and he doesn't want to be 'out' at this point because of that, so I got scared for you. I remember what it feels like to live with a monster in the house and not being able to defend myself, and no one should ever live like that.

​That is right Veronicabeta. and it's hard to convince others of what we know in our hearts to be true. especially here in the "Bible belt" Where nearly everyone throws bible verses at you and even then they misunderstand the actual context and take it to literal. Uhhh I guess that bible verses is better than rocks or maybe even bibles,.No I don't think that I'm a Pinata I really kinda just happened onto that reference and felt that it made an interesting metaphor and wanted to share.

​Thanks for your concern Briannah. Yes I am quiet ok in the sense of the word that you mean. We all have problems in this life, but being beat up isn't one of mine.

Hiya Ben. Great Photograph Young Man. It Is Great to hear from You again. Ben, Congratulations Young Man, on All the Good Thing's going on in Your Life. Ben, You Can Be Very Proud of Yourself Young Man. I hope to speak with You soon. Ben, Take Care Young Man, And My Very Best Wishes, Stephanie. xxxx

Good luck and let us how your doing? Hugs Veronica n violet

I"m rather relieved, from the title I was expecting something...darker. I'm glad you're okay!

Interesting metaphor. I tend to prefer thinking of myself as a butterfly emerging from her chrysalis, free to fly among the flowers.

I've always liked Behind Blue Eyes. I don't have blue eyes either, but replace "blue" with "brown" and the song just seems like it was written just for me and my situation.

Sweet deal sister, my T was 390 right before i started HRT,, hopeful i have good results next appt ,, hugs

Ren you are a beautiful person you might not see it but others do and you will get through this time.You are a beautiful man and its time to let the light of you into the world. Blessed Be and hugs Violet(veronica's wife)

I know just what you mean my doctor was so cool but he did start me off slow also. It's been just about a year now and im very happy with the progress. but now that i got where i wanted to be with my meds and things really started to speed up. and then i messed up my knee real bad and now i having a knee replacement on june 6th. So i had to stop my HRT till an finished get the new knee. you can't take the chance for blood cloths. At least i know will be back on track in a month or two