Jessicatoyou

Yeah, back then they didn't know the gender before birth, so you had to have an alternate plan for a name. I have an older sister, 4 years, an older brother, 3 years. Wonder if I was supposed to be a girl, too. Haha. ☺️ Better late than never!

I think names are significant. I don't particularly care for labels, however. But names we like, names we choose, those that "sound" good to us often have much meaning as to where we've been, whom we've met , where we want to go, what appeals to us, and what we would like to be, and says a lot about our own perception of our personality. One of the first realizations that we are going to transition comes to us when we choose a name. Some of us choose early in life, some later in life, but most often the names we choose appeal to us in a peaceful and self-content sort of way and carry us through a lifetime and end up being a permanent part of us when we first decide to transition and through our transition. It is a name we choose to become and love within our minds, not one that is given to us at birth. I chose Jessica. And I chose it early on in life and has more or less stuck with me for more than 55 years. Oh, I've considered others on occasion, but always returned to Jessica as my name. Why??? I'm not really sure. Perhaps back in 4th grade it comes from a crush on a girl named Jessica who liked to be called Jess, too. It was just a crush, mind you, long before the onset of puberty for both of us. I didn't know her well, she was not in any of my classes, but we both looked forward to going to the lunch cafeteria and talking together while we had our 30 minute lunch. She was awesome to me, I liked her, she liked me and we loved talking to each other. Well we moved onto 5th grade and never had the opportunity to talk again, but I still liked the names Jessica and Jess. To me it sounds feminine, maybe it was my first realization of the differences between masculinity and femininity. Funny thing happened last Wednesday! Went to my dentist and had a great time, which is not something you would typically expect when you have a dentist appointment. I sat in the waiting room for some 20 minutes and discreetly, and I say discreetly, because I don't want to creep anyone out, was taking a mental note of other woman's mannerisms in the waiting room, when the dentist's assistant called me in. She was new, never saw her before, and she warned me she was new at this, asking me to bear with her. She was very nervous, but had a great personality, we got along great, as I helped her with the placement of the plates for each x-ray. I told her to take her time, I have my whole life ahead of me and I intend to enjoy it.. Have had a lot of experience at the dentist. When my dentist came in to review the x-rays, she said to the dentist that I should be named the patient of the year and I told the dentist when I come back for my work I wanted her to assist. Now I always try to remember names of people I meet and when I can't I'm not shy in asking again someone's name. So I'm getting ready to leave and I ask, I'm sorry I didn't get your name? She said, "Oh, I'm sooo sorry! My name's Jessica, You can call me Jess!" I should have figured that one out☺️ Jessica❤️

You might want to think about slowingggggg down. You have many things on your plate and they don't need to be solved and understood at the same time. They can't be. Throughout my life when things got real tough, and they often do, I realized I couldn't fix everything at the same time, so I tried to break it down and address the most important first. Sometimes it would take a long time to come up with a solution, but I found it would work. Then I would address the next, and the next, and things seemed to snowball in my favor, until all my baggage was gone. Be true to your therapist and develop a plan for one thing at a time. Love.

Yes, I believe confidence in yourself is very critical! We need to remember we are not out to prove anything to anyone else. We need to feel good in our own skin and our own mind, and that's what our dilemma in life has been, to do just that.💜

Ha! My wife tells me that once a month I come out with a really good funny; to the point when it's getting to the end of the month, she reminds me she's waiting!

Emma, you are in my thoughts, too. My best!

Yes, I also think it's important to recognize the limitations we have and the things we can't and don't control, and keep peace within our own minds, first and foremost.

Emma, I love the reflection! I think it makes us realize and accept who we are. As we accept who we are we can accept who others are even if it helps them to put a label out there. I am simply, whatever you want to call it, a person who was born a biological male, fit into that role and did ok in it, but always felt, pondered, and acted out as a female for over 50 years and now I want to move on and find out what I missed. I don't know what the label is, I don't care what the label is, nor do I care what others think the label should be. Have a feeling there is going to be more comments and perspectives on your blog Doesn't make a whole lot of sense, maybe, but conversation for thought is good. More to come..☺️❤️

Take your time. Would love to share your experience as if I was there! Looking forward to it.☺️💜

When I first became a member, you had a thing in "chatbox" about the convention, asking if anyone was going. Wish I could've gone but not ready for that stuff yet, hopefully soon, though. Anyway am dying to hear more about it.. Maybe time for another blog????❤️. Please.... tell me (us) everything. Am so glad you feel good about it all.

😉

More on this later . I like you give me insight and things to think about. Gonna think some more.

Can't really say I've suffered much, but yes struggled immensely. Just feels so right at this time in my life and I've usually been successful at accomplishing things I put my mind to. As I write this now I'm confident I can and will handle moving forward and I intend to enjoy every moment and am thus far. I'm sure I will have many, many doubts but I'm a thinker and a doer and I will overcome and adapt to them.. And yes!! "The joys of incremental progress are phenomenal" As I'm not a drinker, they are quite intoxicating, too.

Yes, you seem to be a lot further in transition than I. But am learning a lot from you and others and am grateful for it. Gives me more courage every minute. Thanks

The next several, haha, fifty plus years, were rather routine and uneventful. My female identity surfaced again at college, and I enjoyed sleeping in lingerie. That lasted a while until I graduated, got a job and married and divorced. That was a tough relationship; can honestly say I don't believe that had any thing to do with my female tendency. Put that on hold again until the very end. I think I rationalized that I was born cisgender male and proceeded to work to succeed in my biologically given role. Off again until I travelled for work and got a small wardrobe just the basics, for when I stayed overnight in Hotels. Only went out dressed rarely and always at night so as night to be seen. Still loved the feeling and freedom of it, but still didn't commit due to my perceived lack of professional opportunities for woman at the time. Only half a dozen times more during those years on again, off again, on again, off again. Always purged my female possessions, each time telling myself this is crazy! But I always came back to being me, the girl, the woman. If I could have earned the same income as a woman back then, I would have transitioned much earlier without a doubt! Today, things are changing rapidly. As more people transition, acceptance is increasing although far from where it needs to be! I can actually imagine sometime in the future, although not in my lifetime, gender choice being a routine part of adolescence. Employment appears to be more open too. I don't need much income anymore although I will need some, and am in the final stages of phasing out my business . Well that brings me to now and I'm on again for over a year and I don't believe I will ever go off again. As I step out, too I don't think I'll ever stay in again either!

I've Always WONDERED IF, too. But don't think that would have been the right time for me. Just would never forget it and had a deep down feeling when the time was right it would happen. Still wished it happened sooner in my life, but OH WELL!

I love it how we think about our lives and others and what we do affects and guides others. Nice common thread!

Yes, I've always looked back, too . Got real good at hiding it too; but am now working hard to not hiding it and looking forward for a change.❣️

Yes am learning that. Thank you

Well, knew then I just had to check this out further. During the next couple of years ( 7th and 8th grades) I found myself home alone for a few hours every day after school, and while others my age were home doing school homework I was doing my own "girl work". Always had straight A's in school, never had to study much, but paid close attention to a lot. You might say both school work and girl work came naturally to me. My sister was 16 years old, I spent whatever free time I could dressing up and trying on her make up before anyone came home and loving my new-found inner peace. Her lingerie, shoes and dresses were a perfect fit! And the makeup always felt just right, too. Oh, I still did what the other boys did too, play basketball, football, always excelled in just about everything, too. But my favorite pastime was being a girl. Even had a few girlfriends , non-sexual of course, and loved being around them. Made me feel pretty! There was a time when one noticed some mascara or eyeliner on me (apparently I didn't remove it all) and I just fibbed that my sister applied it once because she liked how my lashes looked. I remember thinking I had to be more careful in the future! And I was. I thought...…… Sis came home from school early one day and found some of her clothes and makeup out, and me locked in the bathroom. Never undressed and washed so quickly, came out and pleaded for her not to tell Mom and Dad. Later that evening Dad calls me into the bedroom and asks me if I wanted to be a girl. I could talk to a shrink if I wanted to. (SHRINK?...no one's gonna shrink my brain) not on my watch at least! That was also the era of shock treatments, lobotomies, and institutions. I wasn't going anywhere! " Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, Dad; that was the only time! " was my answer. Put that to bed real quick and didn't start feeling like a girl again until my college days. Never was depressed about it, rarely thought about it either, accepted that is the way things are. 💔

PS Just love my red shoes!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have always known that I would be transitioning at some point in my life; just not when. That question has been answered and become quite evident to me within the past year. There are many reasons why it took so long but that really doesn't matter now. I don't have any regrets until now as I've been blessed with a good and fulfilling life except my only regret is I did not go after it many, many years ago. Think it would have been even more fulfilling. Things were soooo different in the 70's and 80's. I was never one to dwell on the past, only look and plan for the future. So if I refer to myself in this and future blogs as... when I was a little girl... that was my mindset then, as it continued into womanhood and evolved to now . My first experience ,"when I was a little girl", (I just love saying that), was sometime between 11-13 years old when Halloween was coming and someone had the idea to dress me up as a girl. Real clothes, complete make-up, shoes, panty hose, wig, even underwear and bra, nail polish, toes too! A dab of perfume really did the trick. Think I already had feminine characteristics, lean body, big eyes, long eyelashes, nice smile. THAT feeling has never left me. Went on trick or treating and realized just about no one knew I wasn't a little girl, some even asked why I didn't have a costume! Well going to end this for now; UPS just delivered, my red shoes. Got to try them on. Love shoes, dresses, everything feminine, and have built up quite a wardrobe...but will get to that in later blogs. Love