Jessicatoyou

Hi Dee, I really hope things get much better for you in the coming months: there is a lot on your plate, first and foremost, your new family structure. There is a lot to get used too and figure out right now. I'm also happy your first therapy sessions are close to happening. At first, I never really expected to learn much from mine, but did without a doubt! Ultimately it will be you that decides whether or not to go full steam ahead, not the therapist! Good luck; we need many more decent people like you out there representing us right now.🙋‍♀️. Keep looking through the clouds and you'll always see the sun.🌞

Picking Up the Pace a Bit! Entry posted by Jessicatoyou · February 8 Oh gosh, I just reread this blog and I can't believe how everything has changed so much in just four months. I will add more blogs about some of the more significant events, accomplishments and simple thoughts that would take up to much now. A couple of notes though, since March, 1. My final laser hair removal of beard.is next month. Targeting only the dark hairs on my face and neck, the process being used is supposed to be permanent. As no dark hairs seem to be growing back now, I'll be curious how effect it is over the long run. Have also had about 30+ hours of electrolysis and most hair is gone from my face, but still mich more to do around the neck area. 2. I'm 4 months into HRT and some significant body and emotional changes are underway. While I'm not settling for just that in my transition I tend to think at this point I would be just as happy even if facial procedures and GRS were not future possibilities. 3. Have legally changed my name and all gender markers to female and updated all records including licenses, Social Security, Medical, Birth Certificate and, one of the first things I did, my VOTER REGISTRATION. The neat thing is, in NYS it can be done with having the records sealed, which was important for me as my son was a junior. 4. There is not a person on the planet who I need not be authentic with now. I relied heavily on Dana Hoffman Fox's advice on coming out and my therapist gave me some additional good pointers when the time came. 5. I have connected with most of my extended family using Facebook. I never was into Facebook before and just started a page solely for the purpose of not allowing any to "hide me". This worked, and the funny thing is once one of my siblings "friended" me the rest of my cousins, aunts, uncles, nephews. nieces are reaching out to me! 6. I have established my presence and am becoming more involved in my two communities, both in NY and Florida. I think this is extremely important as it is an opportunity for me to help "normalize" Transgender in society. I often start out my day asking myself, "What can I do today???" with respect to that. 7. I have met some really, really, really good people as Jessica, both transgender and cis. I absolutely would do anything for them I could; I really love them all! 8. Had some facial feminization procedures. First, some fillers in lower and upper cheeks. I didn't really notice much improvement and have decided since that was a waste out of my budget. I am still recovering from a "limited" Facial Surgery procedure (12 days ago) and while it is too early to tell, I should have gone this route or not at all. I would have loved to do more but had some tough budget constraints. I will try to give more details in these and some others through blogs in the coming weeks.

Well put. This is the most common and significant message to me that came out of this year's pride. No one should forget it. 😍

I can't really say I've experienced "trauma" either as a cause or effect of transitioning, and know I'm fortunate in that respect. But then again, life was not nearly it as fulfilling as it has become once I resolved to accept "my own authenticity". Yes, all of us are different yet the same.

Loved the looks, too! You'll know when it's definitely right or definitely not; I can't remember what turned the point for me, but maybe something to think of! Time is on your side.

Hi. Happy to hear from you; but there is never any need to apologize. We're all going through this together and we will get through it together.🤷‍♀️

Hi Emma; your reply really confused me. My original blog back in October was about not trusting people and not letting any one to close to me rather than "fear". Of course there are many things to fear and rightfully so, and perhaps we all grew up afraid someone would "find out"! I think in my life, and was only thinking about things in my life, that was predominantly the driving factor in why I would not let anyone really close to me, "the fear of someone finding out" I did not think I was being judgmental about anyone in particular and merely meant to convey that 8 months after that blog, and fully transitioned excepting the waiting period I'm required to endure for GRS. And now that I've come this far, I have no longer have an "inner circle" and it is quite an awesome feeling🕊️. Rest assured I do not bury fear with bluster.😍 Your friend, Jess

Have just began going over my earliest blogs to see where I've been and compare it to where I am. I found this blog interesting; it no longer applies. Notably, I did take Christy's advice and have broken out from my "inner circle" since I posted this almost a year ago. Thank you Christy, Monica and Emma. "Inner Circle" Following 2 Entry posted by Jessicatoyou · October 9, 2018 193 views Add Tag Our "Inner Circle". A comment about inner circle recently that caused me to ponder further the meaning of the "inner circle" that each of us have. I have heard of this term throughout my life of 64 years, and also pondered it's meaning to me. My inner circle presumably is comprised of my true self, my thoughts, actions, expectations, goals, fears, regrets, my coping mechanisms, accomplishments and failures, those good and bad things in my own psyche, judged only by my own mind. I guard mine closely from attack from outside sources, other people, society, etc., because it is not considered "normal" by others' standards or there own "inner circle", nor exactly coincide with society' norms. No one's inner circle can be totally congruent with anyone else's and certainly not society as a whole. Yet a common theme in self acceptance therapies seems to be to allow people into your inner circle to achieve happiness and piece of mind. I don't believe that anyone will ever totally enter my inner circle; oh, I may allow others to approach it, but most will never get very close, a very few may. The closest to it was my wife. but she never really stepped into it because she never knew of my dysphoria. The opportunity for that, unfortunately, has passed. As I continue on life, others will approach my inner circle but truly they will not be permitted in, unless I believe they are worthy of it and a very high level of trust is formed. That is not a bad thing, just a reality in preserving my self worth and being and general happiness. While I hope someone may come closer than my wife did, none ever may and I'd be good with that, too. I'm at peace with my inner circle and that is what matters. Jessica

Hi Dee, for myself, I eliminated the first two possibilities. The third fit me more, but I really had to plan and learn how I would be able to live in the present and live authentically. I can tell you now though, after exclusively "Jess" for almost 4 months, my life is truly more and more "amazing" every day.

That is the key! Has worked well for me. As you learn to be comfortable with yourself, everyone around you will be comfortable and then you'll be even more comfortable, and on And On!

"None of this has anything to do with being trans other than the fact I look at myself in the mirror and see some hairy bald guy staring back and I ask myself just who it is I think I am kidding. I am paying out all this money to remove my facial hair and I just think to myself that I am being stupid. I do not look like a woman, I do not sound like a woman, how would I ever know if I think like a woman when I've never been one? I grew up a boy, thinking I was a boy, I was a fairly typical adolescent and thought I was a male adolescent, I grew into a man and got married and had children, yet somehow I have ended up here spending almost 10 months of my life almost constantly obsessing about my gender and for what? What does transitioning actually get me? What is the benefit? Because I honestly don't know. I am supposed to be finding myself but in reality I am more lost and confused then I have ever been."- Scottish Dee Wow! You cloned the exact thoughts I had only 7 months ago, pretty much word for word, well before I was full-time authentic or beginning HRT! I haven't had that same thought for a long time now and now I only wonder why did I wait so long. I know I don't look like a woman, but I sure know what it is like to feel like one now and I rarely if ever get a funny look from anyone when I'm out and about running errands, shopping, working, or whatever. You are much younger than I and certainly have much more in the "facial feminine features" category than I. I think my comfort as Jessica has much more to do with living 100% as Jessica than anything else, i.e., HRT . Just sitting in your house is not good; use the time and freedom to experience yourself as Dee a little bit everyday even if you can only for a little bit, because of your work or other responsibilities. And go out! as Dee, take a ride; take a walk, anything. I don't mind sharing this photo with you (or any one else on TG). A family photo taken yesterday. See that smile on my face? I'm gonna be 65 in a few months and never had that before in my life.. In fact that is the number one compliment I get from everyone who knew that "Bald hairy guy" who disappeared just a few months ago! Most importantly..... while you are going through the changes in your family structure, Keep your kids close to you. I mean talk to them often, listen to them always, and give them your advice no matter where they are or who they are with. That's my son and his girlfriend sitting next to me in the photo. Here's hoping you feel better soon! 🙋‍♀️😋 Jess

Rather by accident, I came across a situation which I felt I had to quickly address. I have been out exclusively authentic 100% for several months now and have been expending a considerable effort to educate my sister (age 68) . brother (60), and elderly parents (89) on my transition. I am very comfortable with it and I want them to have the opportunity to be comfortable too. Over the last 45 years we have had very little contact. We talked over the phone occasionally (maybe 25 times over 45 years?) but I now understand that my dysphoria was a significant factor. The rest of them were always doing family stuff together, but I always excluded myself and my own family from participation, not attending weddings, graduations, and other gatherings typical of extended families. I grew apart from the cousins, aunts, and uncles, I grew up with into my late teens. So, fast forward to now? I recently bought a house an hour and a half away from where my parents and sister live in retirement. I came out to everyone right after, about 3 months ago, and have been also sharing in the care of my parents with my sister while simultaneously educating them. My parents were initially fearful of what others would think but through continuous but short, heart to heart conversations, they have finally overcome that. I was blindsided yesterday by my sister... here's how. An Aunt passed away last week and the funeral is only 2 hours from me. I also have cousins that live within 2 hours of me and I had no idea. I offered to attend with my sister and brother-n-law, not thinking at first that no one else in the family knows me as Jessica yet, then backtracked. But...I told my sister it would be a good opportunity when anyone asks how I was doing to answer "she's doing great" , give them my phone number if they want to say hello, and I'll take it from there.. Well, when she got back Tuesday night I asked her how everything went. She was evasive in answering me but I pushed it and it turns out she didn't want to bring it up because "she wasn't sure my parents would be okay with everyone in the family knowing!##%%!!!!???? Furthermore she confessed she has told some of my relatives but "swore them to secrecy". I suddenly realized that while I thought she was an advocate she needed to understand much more. So I explained to her she cannot make those decisions on my behalf! I understood that she does not yet understand, but I will teach her to if she wants to learn. (I told her that the first day I came out.) I made it clear that ….. I WILL NOT BE HIDDEN!!!!! If anyone wishes to hide from me, that's an issue they have to deal with, and that's okay with me! But I will never be hidden!!!! So today, (actually yesterday as I write this) I went to the Villages and had dinner with my parents, my sister and brother-in-law, my brother and sister-in-law, and after a productive group conversation I'm pretty confident.... now..... they are all on the same page as me. We'll see!

Don't know a whole lot about meds;: scare the hell out of me, but so many meds a day may be causing some interactions? Maybe have your primary doc or pharmacist thoroughly review your daily cocktail?? I'd bet some were prescribed long ago and may no longer be relevant nor helpful.. Many times simple things like vitamin D (from the sun 🌞) combat and relieve feelings of depression.

Now, that's good! And we think we have problems?? L0L I have to tell you, that made MY day!

Dee, Happy Father's Day.🙋‍♀️

Sounds to me like you had a great first experience out. Your " standout highlights" were exactly what the doctor ordered, ! Your next excursion will bring many more new ones, each as satisfying and more profound for your own psyche and self realization and before long Dee will be the most natural you that ever was; you'll know longer want to know, you'll KNOW. I ran into a friend last week (on purpose) whom I used to see several times a week for the last 15 years, but had not seen since I closed my business about 7 months ago. Had a great talk he never had a clue about Jess. When I got home he texted me.... Congratulations, he likes it, and has never, ever seen me so happy and natural. Looks forward to him and his wife getting together with me again soon.

Beautiful!

Take me with you??? LOL. Wish I could! My advice? Keep a huge smile on your face and let everyone feel how good you feel.

Another article on birthright Citizenship. Mostly LGBT couples are mentioned here, but I wonder how many cis hetero couples are affected by this? Is it random? or is it selective?https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/us/both-parents-are-american-the-us-says-their-baby-isnt/ar-AABGXbe?ocid=spartandhp

Hi Emma, you brought up a subject that weighed me down for so many, many years until I finally reconciled during a long process (almost life-long) of self examination. I can only relate to myself as we are all different and similar, but still quite unique in our own right. That is just it, I am unique, I don't think of myself as a woman, but never ever thought of myself truly as a man...for sure. I am transgender, which is quite a remarkable thing, and I am happy beyond any belief I could have ever expected.. I truly believe I have the best of both genders, now, and not everybody can say that. Have always wanted to be some beautiful, shapely, feminine girl with long flowing hair, but that's never gonna happen, no matter how much surgery I get. But....nobody on this planet is better than Emma, just as nobody on the planet is better than Jessica, either, and that holds true for all of us! I may never be able to get GRS, much less FFS, but you know what? I'm gonna make damn sure that other people see me as I feel, not as I look, and I'm proud of it. Jess🙋‍♀️

Yes, Dee, I truly understand the need to be guarded as we grow our transition. Very important, but it is also very liberating when we are able to situate ourselves past that need for confidentiality and hiding, Go slow and thoughtfully, there are many times I've said Oh gosh what am I doing? But now far more often I say why didn't I address this far earlier in my Life?? You'll see, and have fun and appreciate learning more about yourself along the way,😎 .

"How would she feel if she knew that I was planning on going out and spending almost a full weekend as Dee at the end of this month, just to see how I feel about it? Which at the moment is equal parts wanting to squeal with excitement and terror! " Kind of ties in with the recent topic, "What advice would you give to your younger self?" …….ASK HER!!!! You may (probably) find out you have a real good (genuine) friendship or more ahead of you. If not it wasn't meant to be. On the other hand, she could become one of your best advocates. I think my first "full weekend" cemented things for me; it turned into a full 10 days. And, then spending Jess time with other human beings really opened my eyes quickly! Have a good time.😜🙋‍♀️

Well, I have come a long way since joining TGG just last August. I am on HRT. Almost finished with Laser and about half way with electrolysis. Am have my first non-surgical facial feminization procedure next week. I fake 000% male now and have, ever since I had the "talk" with my 23 year old son about 2 months ago. We are still very close and both jump at the chance to do things together whenever we get the chance whether out in public or not. I travel every couple of weeks back and forth from NY to Florida as Jessica checking into a motel along the way. I, like Dee, still have those "melancholy moments" when I check in as Jessica but have to produce my legal name and legal documents. Also, when conducting official personal legal business, I still must produce my proper legal information and documents even though I present as Jessica now. That will change soon, as my attorney is well on her way to change all my markers. I'm beginning the process of consultations for bottom surgery. A little background about me and my parents and siblings. I'm 64, my parents 88, they live in the "Villages" in Florida, my sister is 68; also retired and live in the Villages with her husband. I have a younger brother 60 who lives in NY about 2 1/2 hours from my upstate NY house. I rarely see any of them ( maybe a dozen times) since I went off to college at 17, which I'm sure is a common familial casualty of dysphoria, but we do talk periodically, still only once a year or two. Still haven't seen either of them in about 10 years or more until several months ago. Now I just bought a house in Florida about an hour and a half away from them, and I get pleas constantly from everyone to come visit, even sleep overnight, every time I'm down there now that I'm retired and am close by. They all want to get to know me and be the "happy little family". No judgement there; I know they mean well. They were were REAL disappointed when I bought a house close to the Gulf and not in the Villages. Has anyone seen the show "Everybody loves Raymond" UGH!!!!!! That's what they all envisioned for the future. Well, both parents' health is deteriorating and have had many serious issues over the last year plus 2 hospital stays and my sister has been running herself thin getting them to med appointments and preparing meals, meds, etc. I know how tough it is from having to care around the clock for my wife for the last three years and both of her parents 10 years ago before they passed. Both her parents lived and passed on with us and not in a nursing home. My sister called me a couple of weeks ago and asked if I would be down around the tenth of June. My brother-n-law and she wanted to go to NYC then for a banquet and then possibly stay the week to visit some friends. My parents couldn't be left alone, or at least with someone close by in case of a medical emergency and visiting daily to cook and prep everything for the day. I couldn't say no, AND I couldn't do it any other way than as Jessica, so seriously began to think hard how I was going to introduce everyone to Jessica without any further delay (or procrastination). I had no clue if anyone has any knowledge of gender issues, and doubted they ever knew or met anyone transgender. Turns out they don't. I got to Florida Easter night and took care of everything I had to with the new house by Wednesday. I have to head back north this Friday. Wednesday night I called my sister and asked if she and my Brother in law would be able to come to my house Thursday or Friday... I had something very important I wanted to run by them before I went over to my parents to talk to them about it. They would have to plan on a few hours visit and then we'd go out for a late lunch before they headed back. I swore her in on keeping my presence in Florida a secret from both my parents and my brother knowing full well if I didn't, she would hop on the phone calling around to see if anyone else had a clue. At first she said she didn't think they could make it, but called back 20 minutes after and said they could around noon on Thursday. Haha. My plan was to change back and talk to them here first, and then go to their house a few days later as Jess. But damn, after I got out of bed and had my coffee and toast decided to hell with that! I showered, put back on my make-up, wig, a pair of white clam digger jeans, my beach sandals, a modest pattern blouse, touched up my nails and milled around until they arrived. I greeted them at the front door, and my brother in law turned to my sister and muttered, "See I told you!" Haha, they thought I was my new girlfriend😜. When they came in and realized what was going on, he said are you kidding? Is this Halloween? I said, nope, this is me, come on in and I'll introduce you. Popped the cork on the small bottle of wine the realtor gave me and we sat down and talked for about an hour and a half and the best thing was that everyone participated! There are so many detailed points I wanted to, and did make, in our conversation, but I'll try to expand on that in later blogs. In summary, I totally was comfortable with myself and not afraid of anything, but wanted them all to feel the same way if I was going to become a part of their lives and they mine. They understood that and came on board . I was not the one needing the support; they were the one's that would need it and I would make sure I would give it. I knew what I was doing, they did not. I always remembered hearing that when we transition, everyone else transitions with us. Very true, but as we become very knowledgeable, no one else around us is. They have to be assured everything is going to be okay, even better than it ever was, which with some targeted communication and listening, IS THE TRUTH! I didn't really want to supply resources such as You tube videos, books etc.; I wanted to encourage them to rely on me for any questions, answers and information. Afterwards we had a great lunch at a Gulf Coast eatery close by and they went on their way back home. Funny my brother in law said I looked much better as a girl than a guy and I said that's because I look as I feel. I joked for him to not try it because he'd probably look shitty. That night I called my brother and gave him a snapshot of what was happening and what was coming down the pike with our parents. I told him sis knows as of today and Mom and Dad would be brought in on it Friday. Friday morning I converted back to my cis male identity one last time and drove to my parent's home. I knew it would be too much of a shocker at their age to meet Jess without preparing them first. (had to stop at my sister's house on the way to borrow my brother-in law's sneakers because I already purged mine) I got right to the point and told them my story. They didn't have a clue; in fact never heard of anything like it before, except my Mother had heard something about Jenner. I said I'm not Jenner, I'm me, so forget whatever you heard, we're not the same. I told them briefly different things throughout my life and surprisingly they didn't remember, or they put it out of their minds. I told them a little about being on HRT and what physical changes would be occurring down the road. I told them I present female everywhere now, at work, with my son, their grandson, at the store, travelling back and forth from NY to Florida, and now they are the only ones left that have not seen me as I am and the time has come that they do. Also that it was my fault it took so long, not theirs, they couldn't have been expected to know because I was real good at hiding it from them and everyone else my entire life. I told them the next time I visit (within the next day or two) I'll look different but will still be same inside, as I've always felt the same inside my whole life. Again I assured them that I don't need the support, they will and I'll be there to give it to them. I told them many, many families go through this and have some difficulty at first, but they can and do work through it and everything is far better in time, beyond belief. They both acted okay on the surface, but I could sense that it really bothered my mother more; i.e. how was she going to react with seeing me as Jess, how would the neighbors and family relatives react, what would she say, and on and on. I left and said I'd be back Sunday and then expecting the phone calls to fly between them all. Next I talked to both siblings Saturday night and 1. My mother was scared and wanted me to visit a few more times more before coming as Jess. 2. My sister and brother were used to enabling her and were readily open to that idea; they both ran it by me separately. 3 . My father was going with the flow and was unconditionally accepting, but I know him; still deeply worried. 4. Both my sister and brother would be okay, but because they know nothing about gender issues, or me, they would unwittingly get in the way of my effort. So I re-iterated with them, to stand back and let me handle it and to direct all questions, concerns worries and fears back to me. Just follow my lead. I know what to say and do with any possible situation that might come down the pike. They don't but I will teach them. I explained that not being Jessica is something that is not an option and it was important for everyone to see me as much as possible as I am this week before I have to return to NY. My goal is to have my family look forward to seeing me only as Jessica, because there is no one else now. No one could possibly prefer me to show up faking it, if anyone does, I won't bother anymore. Sunday I, Jessica, went to the Villages. Stopped at the Walmart there and got coffee, sandwich meats and a few other things for them. My sister called me beforehand and asked if I wanted her to be there. I told her no, but if she wanted to stop by after an hour or so that would be good. Just when she does, try to carry on like before, so my parents can see that nothing has really changed. (actually it has; before I dreaded visiting whereas now the idea of popping in now and then and spending a little time with everyone is becoming more appealing). I got there and after the ritual hugs, I put the groceries away and made coffee. My mother, after seeing me said you know, I feel better now. I said wait a few more weeks, you're gonna wish you knew years ago. We all talked about nothing, I geared the conversation mostly to what I and my son spent most of our time doing, together and separately and how close my wife and I have been throughout our lives. When my sister got there, I suggested my Dad give me a tour of the Villages on their golf cart. (it's a golf cart community, for just about everything, shopping, entertainment, you don't need a car). He jumped at the chance, I drove, had a great time and took about an hour. Next time he wants to take the cart with me to sit at Dunkin Donuts. Back at the house, my brother-in-law was there, we had dinner, and again my mother said she's feeling much better now! My sis and I cleared the dishes and cleaned up and after they left I spent another our with them before I went home. I'll be popping over a few more times this week before I have to head back to NY. While everything feels normal for me, it needs to feel normal for others around me, too. And I think I accomplished a lot so far.

Hi Dee, My thoughts on your ex-wife's partner and your son? Your son may feel he has to choose between you and him which is an incorrect assumption. He can have either or both, or one or the other, or neither either. Just make sure he knows you'll always have his back as he works through this adjustment and nothing will ever change between him and you. Just keep him talking to you even if it's about nothing. You'll always be his DAD, but now you can to be his friend, too. On being a fraud? Get that, totally. Unfortunately, transitioning doesn't allow us to wave that magic wand and transform. We have to go back and forth because a lifetime of relationships have been formed, as have responsibilities, commitments, and expectations, too. It takes time and a plan to deal with all of them; we don't really desire to discard them but just figure a way to be true to them as who we really are. On hair removal? Sorry Dee, it's a bummer. Going for my 5th of 6 laser sessions in 2 weeks, and have had some 25 hours of electrolysis so far. Definitely night and day with regard to shaving but not close yet to where I'd like to be. I still have to shave daily ( I present 99.9% as Jess now), but most times only have to touch up with my electric razor. Only 2 weeks into HRT and have heard that it will get easier hair-wise; I'll see how that goes. Still shaving the rest of my body. On eating? I never cared much about my weight before. I started getting serious some 3 years ago and lost 55 lbs. slowly but methodically. Jessica's weight today is not too bad although I still would like to shed another 10 lbs. I weigh myself every morning first thing and get a quick jolt when I've succumbed to those "late night goodies". I mean I don't want to make myself suffer, so I think my only alternative is to pick up the pace with some sort of exercise? On "fitting in with nice people"? I'm pretty new at being a transwoman too. Actually, before I never really fit in with anyone. Oh, it was always just superficially, but now it's not "par" for the course. It is the course.🙋‍♀️

Yes, put me in a good mood this morning after watching! (was already in a good mood, but really, really good, now). Found myself skipping, stomping and clapping in my seat! Maybe strange thoughts now, but get used to those; the kind of the thoughts we always wished we could enjoy and express..🙋‍♀️