Jessicatoyou

Sounds like such fun! Love the music as well as the dance.😊

Well, this week (today), took my first doses for HRT.🙋‍♀️😊. Spiro and estrogen injection. Should have started one week ago, but one screw up after another delayed things unnecessarily. First my lab results were not timely faxed from my PCP to my Gender Specialist. Friday, Monday calls then finally Tuesday morning when they still weren't faxed I had to demonstrate what Jess can be like on hormones and they were sent right over despite being available since the previous Friday. Then it was time to play with the insurance company, don't get me wrong, I'm thankful for the coverage, but hurdling more obstacles are totally unnecessary, but seems to me we're heading towards getting rid of the Docs and the insurance companies are taking that role more and more. Scary! Well some additional things taken care of this week..., Came out to my supplier and 2 clients/customers today, and have put out a call to a major one to do the same. Have several luncheons with them next week and the time has come for "Jessica" to attend them. I already know there will not be an issue. So.... 100% not presenting male has begun today. (actually did 12 days ago, but today I know for sure I never will again!). Ahhhh, what a feeling😍

This is a wonderful and important step for you; sharing yourself with some of those most important to you. I know the gratification that comes from that, especially when it turns out to be a "non-event". I'm finding those "non-events" are ironically our biggest barriers to moving forward, and am now thinking ahead of that curve to get in front of them. Enjoy your week of freedom.☺️

Okay....your "pass" is granted!!! LOL. Every morning, awaken and look in the mirror and love what you see. Learn how to loose the fear and awkwardness in presenting and go out into the world proud of being your true self. Discover new friends and relationships that have always been around you, but you've never seen before. Unearth your buried personality and be in awe how it is now growing and flourishing like it never has before. Go to sleep every night knowing that tomorrow there will be something new and exciting to look forward to again and again. Laugh at yourself and see the humor, grace, love, and compassion in many others at the same time. See what it's like to never stop smiling, and really, really appreciating the life given to you. But seriously, too, these are some of the things I never expected, they just came out of the blue. Keep your options open, go with your gut and be honest with yourself first and foremost. I think my decision became truly cemented only just a short time ago, and now have not had a thought of regret or fear, since Time is on your side. 🙋‍♀️

Hi Dee. I reacted to your post with a "💜" largely because many of the frustrations you expressed have been shared and similarly experienced by myself. I can only say how my thoughts evolved to where I am now. It seems like the timing of your divorce is out of your control for now, so I would place that in "things to look forward to " category of my life priorities and focus more on those I have more control of in moving forward. I also agree with the necessity of guarding your gender openness until the divorce is finalized, but the time will come when that is behind you, too. Similarly the long wait you have for your gender clinic appointment is equally frustrating, but the stress can be alleviated by using the time to prepare for and the process. If you haven't yet, I would seek a competent gender therapist, as the clinic may require it before moving forward which will result in more waiting time. It is not an easy task to "live authentically" when my whole life I've always known deep down, but built my relationships, my employment, my goals around a gender identification that was incorrect, but it is exhilarating to make that journey to authenticity. My "mind" had to learn first before my "body" could express it, if that makes any sense? It's like slowly but surely, I'm shedding my baggage, and my shoulders are getting lighter and lighter all the time. For your thoughts surrounding what relationships will be like as Dee, remember YOU OWN YOURSELF NOW, therefore no one can ever disown you. That's probably the most gratifying feeling of living authentically for me; before now and throughout my life I was always "owned" by what I was supposed to do for others, and disregarded what I needed to do for me. You do not need to tell anyone until such time it is right for you and you will know when that time is right. Enjoy pride weekend with your niece and take as little or as much of Dee with you as your comfortable with and enjoy the time owning yourself. It's never been a struggle for me becoming Jessica; the struggle lied in losing the self identity as cis male that should never have been mine to begin with.

Well. I had that long anticipated and dreaded "talk" with my son today that his Dad was transgender. He's 23 years old; we're very. very close, and have gotten even closer since his mother passed away. He works in a field that typically is full of "transgender bashing jokes", and has had very little if any exposure to the reality of gender diversity. All he has heard comes from his peers who are equally clueless. So, he came over today and I told him that I had something very important to discuss with him; that it was a very difficult thing to discuss, and the mere fact that we're gonna have this conversation shows how important he is to me. (He blurts out "you have a girlfriend!!??) Long pause...……………………."No, not that simple." Something that I've known since I was about 8 years old and have been ignoring it and putting it off and off and off, hoping it would go away, but it keeps creeping up again in my psyche. In the meantime, I said, he and his mother always came first and I've always made sure that the family and the business was taken care of first. Well. I've been seeing a psychologist for a while now and do you know what gender dysphoria is? He wasn't sure, so I explained it. Right off the bat, he said so what; if it makes you happier with your life he was all for it . I said I was, but he will likely have a lot of questions down the road and I would like to teach him about it and him to learn more about it and hopefully he would eventually become my biggest advocate. He said of course he would. No problem!!!!!😍😎😲💕. He asked if that meant I would like men, I said no, I like woman, but regardless I wasn't open for any kind of intimate relationships now, and explained sexual orientation is un-related and a different thing. He asked how soon I would change, I said I didn't know for sure, I was beginning hormones next week and I'll see what happens from there. That was the gist of my coming out, I tried to keep it simple upon the excellent advice of my therapist. We will have many, many more discussions, but the likelihood of his being on board and becoming my greatest cheerleader is a good probability. By the way, he didn't have a clue before today.

Hi Emma, had to look it up, (the Benjamin Scale). I would say most of my life up to 10 years ago I "saw" myself as "IV" on the scale, and since have seen myself as a VI although in reality I've probably always been "VI" most of my life, I just never knew it before.. , but I know now😍 . Yes it is very important to be visible, one of the most important things we can do as a group, if we are able to, to help others struggling with their gender. I intend to keep my place in any community I'm in because I help build it, and have my whole life; I'm a part of it and it's a part of me. Also funny how the more you get out authentically, the easier and more natural it becomes and feels. I rarely even think of my self as transgender anymore when I'm out in public, now💇‍♀️

Last week I had an opportunity to attend my second Transgender Conference in Pennsylvania; having only attending my first just 8 weeks earlier in Boston. I hadn't really definitively planned to, but another TG member offered to share the cost of accommodations at the Convention Center and the schedule fell in line with my planned travel from Florida to NY. My first Event, in Boston, appropriately billed as The First Event, was a big test for me. Having preparing for many years to step out in public as Jessica, but never having actually done that, I wanted to see my comfort level in presenting authentically for a continuous and relatively prolonged length of time. My first time going out in public was 3 days prior to the start of the convention and I remained Jess continuously for 10 days after. That experience met and exceeded my expectations; it was like falling back into a huge, plush, sofa that I just didn't want to get up from. Well, responsibility always calls, and you have to answer, but from that point on I really got into high gear with "living authentically". ( using the term "transitioning" bothers me immensely in that it infers I'm becoming someone new, rather than finally accepting and living as someone I've always been).🙋‍♀️ So about 6 weeks after First Event, I was off to the Keystone Conference, aptly footnoted as " A Celebration of Gender Diversity". One week earlier I moved into my new Florida home, living entirely authentically, and now was off to Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. I met many from First Event there and it was very special to remember their names and chat again briefly about how we've been doing since. The icing on the cake, however, was the opportunity to share the Keystone experience with someone from the TG forum and having the time to get to know each other better as one girlfriend to another. I really look forward to continuing that special friendship; my first as Jessica. There were workshops Thursday, Friday And Saturday during the day covering many topics; I focused largely on those dealing with GRS, FFS, non surgical procedures, make-up, and the like. All were very good and I learned a lot to add to what I learned from First Event. The dinner outings were also great, but I gained 4 solid pounds (Ugh), breakfast, luncheons and dinners throughout. Several keynote speakers for the luncheons and Saturday banquet were all right on; but the most significant thing I've taken away from the whole experience is that the overall public perception of gender diversity is changing rapidly and on the verge of acceptance. We should be seen, not try to "hide" ourselves; learn to be more comfortable out there and be our own "goodwill ambassadors" when in public for the community we are all a part of. I will post more on specific topics from the convention down the road that should be of interest to those that were unable to attend. Jess😍

Talk to her; get her to talk to you and listen to her.

I didn't really choose my life as Jessica, I think it was inevitable. For too long I chose the male and the female never, ever stopped nagging me. It's only when I stopped trying to choose it, that all the possibilities opened up to me. As far as insecurity goes, I think I always thought of my self as somewhat secure? Probably was wrong in that assumption; at 64 years old I feel a new, stronger sense of security in myself that was relatively unknown to me. Hard to explain, but food for thought, and that sense feels good to me.

Or maybe let life choose you, instead😎

Sounds like a great day! ☺️ Hope it can extend into your weekend, too. Always good to laugh at yourself, at the very least keep smiling at yourself, because you know what no one else knows. It can't be tested; I gave those up a long time ago! I did a 415 score on the "Cogiati" and thought the white ambulance was gonna knock on my door any second, LOL. Never had a suicidal thought in my life, and if I never transitioned I'd probably be okay, but damn I've never been Happier than since I put my foot down and said I'm gonna do this! I'm just go with my gut feeling now because I know what no one else knows. The mere fact that I think it means I know it.🙋‍♀️

I didn't notice much either until about 3 weeks in after constant washing, moisturizing and shaving. By the time my 2nd session came I didn't think they'd find any dark hairs, but I could feel the laser was finding a bunch. Now, 3 weeks after there are no dark hairs even after not shaving for several days. which means no shadow and that used to be a problem twice a day until I started this. Also started electrolysis a week after my first laser and that's pretty tedious. Still have to shave because of the light hair growing; but now making a dent in that too. Most of what's left is on my neck and lower jowls. Sure glad I didn't purge this time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL

Funny, you said, "what on earth am I doing" …..same words I used after my first session. LOL

Hi Dee, your picture looks much like my neck (and face) after my first laser session. But should by now (after a week)be almost back to normal. The reason ( I think) is that many of the hairs "zapped" need time to work their way out of the pores. Feels kind of like acne. Washing with a defoliating cleanser and using a non- oily moisturizer helps. Aloe alleviates some of the discomfort as does Witch Hazel. The good news is after my second session, the condition lasted one day, if that, and it's great not to have to worry about any "5 o'clock shadow" any more.😍

Yep, that Raven has landed on my shoulder, too. Never, ever let anyone in my inner circle and now after 64 years have just begun....a little bit at a time. I think my wife's death spurred my change in thought, but still keep myself quite guarded. I can say, though, since, I'm learning much about what I've missed in life and slowly but surely am seeing things I never thought could exist in human beings and quite frankly it's a joy and a challenge to be part of bringing those things out in both myself and others! How do I process it? Slowly but surely. There are still some disappointments, but the satisfactions far outweigh them.

Funny thing I overlooked! 2 weeks ago, I headed down to Florida with a U-Haul and my car in tow to close on a house there. Purged all my "boy clothes" except for the set I was wearing for my trip down. After the closing, the day after I arrived, I started unpacking and have lived authentically since, setting everything up that I needed to do. Last Tuesday, headed back to NY with a planned 4 day "pitstop" at the Keystone Transgender Conference in Pennsylvania on my way. Just got back to NY and have several things to attend to before I head back down, some of which will require boy mode presentation. UGH!!!!!!!!!!. Forgot to bring my set of boy clothes, including my shoes! HAHA. Well gonna have to go to Walmart sometime today and buy a new set. 😜 Before I head to Florida again, I'll be sure to leave them here.

Hey girls, you're scaring me!! LOL. As long as I can remember, my nipples always erect easily and often and become aroused, in fact it was always my preferred foreplay and self gratification even over genital foreplay. I try not to think too much of what will happen on HRT; just hope I'm pleasantly surprised! 😲

Hi Dee, It was a BIG step for me starting laser. I started 5 weeks ago with my first treatment. Had my second last week.. She uses a "Light Sheer Diode Laser and Vectus Laser, wavelength 810. My biggest problem (and fear) in going out, was my shadow and how quickly it would return after shaving, but that was quickly eliminated with my first treatment. After laser for me, one day of (sunburn feeling), a couple of days clumps of dark hair would force their way out through my pores, and from the 3rd day after to a week, my skin broke out somewhat. Which I didn't expect, because I never had acne or pimple problems). I cleaned my face often using a defoliating cleanser and kept it moisturized with an oil free moisturizer. Within a week everything was back to normal, except no dark hairs!😍 Shaving was so much easier. I also started electrolysis a week after my first laser treatment, because most if the hair on my lower chin and neck was light hair, (probably an age thing?) Have had about 10 hours so far and the results are definitely noticeable, but will need many, many more. As far as pain, neither were much of an issue for me, ( the first laser treatment bit me quite a lot right below my nose and around my lips, though!). The second was easier. Witch hazel is a good and in-expensive remedy which my electrologist let me in on. Yes, the cost is hard to swallow, but if it's any consolation, the amount of make-up I need has reduced to almost nothing! You are going to love the feeling, not just the physical feeling, but the psychological one too!🙋‍♀️ Jess

Last weekend was a long weekend off for me, Friday, Sat, Sun and Monday off from my "retirement" part time job with a Medi- Transportation Co., picking up clients and bringing them to their medical appointments. Was looking forward to the continuity of being able to live life just as Jess, and I did just that. By Monday night, I dreaded Tuesday having to return to boy mode and go back to work. That evening, I got my text from the boss, also a business friend, for Tuesday's assignment asking if it would be okay with me. (have been working more or less on call, as needed). " Pick up a couple from Albany, NY at 6am going to Boston Med, wait several hours, and return them to Albany, an all day transport. (about 10 hours) Tuesday, up at 3:30 am (had to leave my house by 5am.) THEN, I got the bright idea! This is gonna be a job for Jess!🙋‍♀️ I washed, threw on my girl Jeans, a top, my make-up and my hair and out the door I went. The couple, close to my age, were from Italy, spoke very broken English, and spoke among themselves in Italian and got several calls in Italian from their kids along the way. We didn't talk much at first, only a few pleasantries along the way. I honestly couldn't yet tell if they made me or not! About an hour outside Boston the Turnpike turned to a standstill and it appeared we were gonna be up to an hour late for the appointment. Thanks to GPS, I re-routed and went the rest of the way off the highways, through the suburbs, over the hills, and through the tunnels, back through the neighborhoods and got there in the nick of time. I dropped them off and gave the gentleman my cell number and said I have to find out where to park my car, so when you're done, just call me and I'll find you. He said what's your name? I almost screwed that one up but said Jessica, call me Jess! He did call, I got my car out of the parking garage, and promptly found them. In the interim I sat in Starbuck's for a while sipping, no gulping, coffee, 2 large cups, and walked around the district streets some. On the way back, we talked quite a bit, learning a little about each other and where we each lived. At the end of the ride, the gentleman stuck his head back in, and said, "Hey Jess, you did a good job, thank you!. What a great feeling! Only thing, I'm gonna have to deal with it when they call for their next appointment and they ask for Jessica😁 Oh well😍

I went to my first support group session tonight. The group. meets once a month and is moderated by my therapist. Approximately 15 people attended and was highly relevant to the issues I'm most concerned with and many other issues important to the others. All were MTF, and some were post surgery. Met several girls with very similar backgrounds as myself and made a few friends that I look forward to getting to know better, too. I think on all accounts, for myself and the others it was very productive and informative. I am looking forward to the next one.☺️

🙏

Shopping yesterday, finally found a pair of shorts that I like, fit well and I think look good on me! Also bought a light, loose, summer wrap around skirt and top to match. Guess nothing is impossible. 😲 Gosh, I yearn for some warmer weather!!

Hmmm. Christy....Zen garden??? I'm pretty sure I'll have the perfect setting for that!😎 Thanks for the idea! Jess

Dee, the nails look 1000% better after 10 days. Don't have a clue if it's the Sally Hanson stuff, or just me taking care of them, but either way I'll take it😍 You're going to love the hair removal. Had one laser so far and it worked great for removing the dark hairs. Bites a little around the lip and nose area, but bearable. For a couple of days afterward felt like I had a mild sunburn and small clumps continued to come loose from my pores. Also my skin broke out some for a week, but not real seriously. I washed often with a defoliating cleanser and moisturized often Neutrogena oil free moisture (SPF 15). Be sure you use one with sunscreen, you're supposed to stay out of the sun. The black shadow has all but been eliminated, now, my skin as back to being smooth, and I'm going back next week for my second treatment. I have a total of 6 treatments spaced a month apart. The light hairs will still grow quickly and I've had about 8 hours of electrolysis for that so far. A little tedious, but really seeing and feeling the results now. I don't mind because I love my electrologist and we both look forward to seeing each other! I learned a lot from Christy and Emma before and it sure is enjoyable for me to now relate my experience to someone else. Good Luck!🙋‍♀️