ScottishDeeDee

Sounds like you are doing some good exploratory work Emily!  I worked my way through that book too and found it very affirming.

I struggled a little in the beginning with prosthetics too, while I desire the effect I did not want to swap wearing one costume out in public for another. Same went for the fact that I wear a wig.  In the end I settled on bra "fillets" as a compromise that did not make me feel ridiculous but would, with a padded bra give me pretty much the right effect without feeling self conscious.

The wig is something I see as a cross between a fashion accessory, and a safety item. I blend better wearing it and unlike those with natural hair I can pick and choose my length and style based on my mood. Plenty of cis women need them too.

Ultimately the goal should not be to confirm if you are trans or otherwise, it is to find that place where you feel most natural and comfortable as yourself.

The fact that you can do that with a supportive spouse and friends makes a huge difference.

🧡☺️

There is no right or wrong way to transition. The whole process is simply a matter of us learning to accept ourselves and take the steps needed so that we are most at peace. It is part of what makes everybody's journeys so different. There will always be parrallels but none of us have the same starting place or finish point.

Hi Phoebe, the UK model is still outdated compared to the informed consent model used around most of Europe. The language and definitions have all changed but the routes and pathways haven't. On the NHS you still need a formal medical "diagnosis" before accessing a service. Otherwise the NHS simply would not provide for it. For them it is the best way to get past the rules lawyers, for us it is gatekeeping under a different name.

I totally understand your pinocchio reference! When I had that realisation I was still scared to say it out loud, what has taken me a couple of years to realise (as my blog shows), is that I have been living the wrong story. I'm actually an ugly duckling looking for some help to turn me into a swan!  🧚‍♀️

😳 😊 Thanks Jess, the official letter will arrive in the post, but I expect to get a phone call in the next week or so I'll have my consent form all filled out long before then though lol. 

Thank you Monica, I am the middle child and have 4 sisters so she is just gaining another daughter, she is more upset that I was scared to tell her sooner, but hopefully will understand that a huge part of that was me building myself up in case of rejection. The world is a much brighter place now though!

XX

2 hours ago, Blackangel said:

You should never settle to make someone else happy. Screw them. Your mission in life is not to make them happy. It is to make you happy. It is to protect your children and make sure they grow up happy and healthy.

Thanks BA. I am doing my best to believe this at my core, but it is taking a while. Thank you for saying it though. My own happinness was on hold for so long I still feel guilty for working towards it sometimes.

🤗

The online arguments were simply both sides choosing to use ridiculous ideas to show that the other side was biased.

The statistic bandied about in the press are that 97% of UK women have been sexually harrassed or attacked at some point in their lives, which I actually can believe although the report it is taken from actually states the number is somewhere from 71% to 86% dependant on age, with the 18-24's most likely to receive harrassment.

https://www.unwomenuk.org/site/wp-content/uploads/2021/03/APPG-UN-Women_Sexual-Harassment-Report_2021.pdf

The bigger issue is that very few women report people because they are so used to it they don't see it as serious or because there is a distinct lack of trust in the system to do anything about it, but even if they do it will end up with the woman having her character and life torn to pieces by the defendants lawyer instead of the mans actions being seen as predatory.

43 minutes ago, MonicaPz said:

Hate is a people problem that can only be solved by love.

I could not agree with this sentiment more, which is why I will continue to dream of a day when people can live with one another respectfully instead of hating and fearing one another.

❤️ Aww thanks Jess. Happy Valentine's Day to you too. 😊 My son (13) told me out of the blue today that Valentines day is boring, and that we celebrate better proper holidays like shrove Tuesday (Pancake day) 😆 To be fair, he's not wrong!

Hi Monica,

Scotland has it's usual stormy winter weather, rain, ice, sleet and snow, but our coverage is rarely more than a few inches and we are used to 40-50 mph winds. The whole of Scotland is in Lockdown and all non essential shops which includes gyms and spas have been closed since March last year.

There are little to no face to face appointments with anyone at the moment, so everyone is facing the same delays. The only way to get on HRT quickly is to pay privately and I am simply not in a place to go down that route. However the lack of centres and routes is not a covid issue but a government funding one. Every working age person in the UK contributes to a National insurance plan which covers free healthcare for all, but the Conservative government has been doing its best to sell it off piecemeal and privatise the service for years so they regularly underfund it and then point out the waiting times as its failure... Grr.

I am excited to be starting to move forwards though  

1 hour ago, Jessicatoyou said:

You said:  "She did however say that if I ever walked in wearing a straw like cheap barbie style wig that she would disown me. Which seems fair enough."  I'm long done with allowing others to set the bar for what's appropriate!  Especially my family!  I think if you ever feel comfortable walking in wearing a cheap barbie style wig go for it.  In fact, I'll join you, and throw in a cheap barbie mini skirt, too. LOL

Hahaha jessica, it may not have translated into text well, but she was definitely just joking around. Once I can no longer be mistaken for a silverback in the wild if we need a Barbie's night out then I'm all in! 

Monica, this was more me mistaking my sister's quietness for a lack of understanding or acceptance; she may not fully understand me being transgender, but she does understand that this is something I need to do and supports me in that. The big test will be the first time she sees me dressed properly, but I am hoping that this will be my last "bro" Christmas if the NHS can get me started on "E" sooner rather than later. Having recognised how I was manipulated and put down to the point where I had no self esteem by my ex (intentional or otherwise) I will be in no hurry to let anybody else do the same thing.  

Thank you so much Jessica.  I'm not even sure if I tasted the coffee I was just so pleased at being brave enough to stand in a queue and order it!

3 hours ago, Jessicatoyou said:

From here I expect you will become more and more comfortable as you should be and the difficulty in presenting as him will become more burdensome.

Considering I hadn't been out since the beginning of the year it was such a total breath of fresh air, I am already trying to work out the logistics to tell my friends and be able to be myself around them more as well as figuring out how to start the process of speaking with HR at work, I was originally going to wait until I had started my HRT for both of these, but yes, I'm definitely feeling that pull!

Monica, with the best will in the world, I would not take love advice from someone who is both single and celibate (probably)

There is another saying, never trust a skinny chef! (or a clean mechanic)

I believe your mother was closer to the truth of it. While I am well out of the dating pool, I have never had a relationship when I have been seeking one, but perhaps one day one will find me when I stop hiding myself. 

I am very pleased for you Emma  

I just noticed this blog entry Dezzy and thought it was really interesting. Other than my online name I arrived at the forum site as "questioning" and put no pressure on myself to behave or write a certain way. 

I struggled with 2nd life because I just found it so overwhelming, I made my avatar pretty (though I dont remember there being ugly options) but literally ignored anyone who tried to talk to me in total panic. That is pretty true to real life too!

We don't really start out with prepackaged identity's in mind, they just sort of form as we interact - your humour, your writing style, your interests, are all what make you who you are to other people. Then your avatar, your name and your perceived/announced gender round that picture off.

In my IRL FB socials I realised yesterday that my posting subjects and patterns unintentionally match the women that I interact with, even though I am not out - regular exercise selfies, beautiful scenery, children and humour posts. The men I know barely post anything at all outside of occasional hobby posts but no one has ever said anything about it. I just notice these things.

I wondered when I came if I was swapping one mask for another, just to fit in, but as you can probably tell from my blogs, I write for myself and my own thought process; this is me without filters. Keep writing for yourself Desiree ❤️

@MonicaPz It is wonderful working with her, although she knows I have been working through all these other events and that for me they are all intertwined, from a psychological perspective she has been able to get a feel for my life and how I got to where I am now, but while she is not someone who would help anyone to play the system she is trying to help me to be where I obviously want to be and it does make a huge difference, so when I go to see her I will have a bullet pointed list that has the same age categories but a lot less detail and is literally just directly gender identity or expression related. I will try to cut it down to 2-3 pages if I can.

x

Hi Raina,

I always feel better once I have collected my thoughts. The fact that we are similar ages and have similar worries in many areas also does help, so thank you for sharing.

Keep going with your exercise and eating regimes, as your body starts to strnegthen you will find some of the issues go away on their own, while others will dog you for the whole time. Losing 45 pounds in 4 months is an amazing achievement, and at a realistic rate for it to stay off don't just think about what you still have left to do but recognise that you have already done a lot!

My favourite wig so far was a dark blonde bob style that I actually bought off Amazon by a company called Forever Young and was £30 including delivery, and today it is selling for £14.99. I prefer caps to lace fronts as I can never truly hide the lace. I have worn it frequently and it has lasted well, though I will eventually go and get fitted and buy some more expensive everyday ones when I need to start wearing them all day rather thana few hours at most. 

As for friends I would suggest that now you know why you have been pushing people away you may find that as you stop hiding who you are that they gravitate towards you sa you do things that you enjoy anyway, just try not to fall into the old habit of pushing them away!

Thank you for opening up, I know it can be hard and scary but it is great that the people in your life who matter are supportive and you do have friends here too.

Thanks Monica 😊 but it was my counsellor who brought it up after multiple sessions, I had always dismissed it when others brought it up to me. So having lived it, and acknowledged it I'd rather not watch too many videos about it, but I will look up Donnas website as it does look useful for moving forwards thanks!

😳☺️❤️ Thank you Jess, that was really kind of you to say   It has taken a while for my heart and my head to get on the same page, but I am glad they finally have, now comes the part of waiting for the professionals to let me progress in the system.

@MonicaPz @Emma @Steph53 Aww. 🤭 Thank you ladies!

☺️ ☺️ ☺️

Aww thanks Emma.  I was looking at some flowers the other day, but am only changing and going out with the dog after dark right now so I can keep my nails on  Maybe towards the weekend!  I am sure the days will fly past though!

Thanks Jessica, it is a little thing,  they are stickers, so you just peel them and put them on before cutting them to the size and shape of your nail, as I rarely get to be me for much time it helps to have something that can come off quickly, though I am probably going to put clear nail varnish over these to make them last until I need to go out somewhere. It does make me feel good, I have painted my toenails a baby blue colour but I am not very good at doing my feet even though I like to see the colours when I am barefoot.

Monica, thank you for your kindness. It was toxic, and I am better off away from it, but while I assume I am a lesbian because I still find women attractive, it is possible that I am bi and was just in denial 🤷‍♀️ either way, until I am happy with the world knowing who I am and simply contecnt to be me, I will not be looking for someone to be with me.

I am a magpie too and love shiny things! I have always just had to keep a lid on quite how much lol.

Butterflies have become quite an icon for me - they definitely represent the journey well, my hope is that I am starting the process of coming out of the chrysalis stage. I no longer identify as a caterpillar and I do not yet see myself as a butterfly, but one day hopefully x

Emily that is amazing. I know my dad would disagree if he were still alive, but my mum could go either way. I am waiting for a tipping point before I tell her thugh. Congratulations on a fantastic day! ☺️

Wow Emily! What an intense way to spend the evening! Great to get a compliment first time out too! 💜

You are looking fabulous Emma! x

There is a song I heard years ago "everyone's a little bit racist", it has a lot in truth in it that still applies a decade later, but the puppets and jokles make it palatable - no idea if the production was actually any good or not but the song has stuck with me. If people could take ownership of the fact that we are all brought up in an us and them environment,making judgements about those who are different (for any reason) then we can start to change our own thought patterns. My dad was very racist and many of my extended family still are, but none of my immediate family are, I genuinely can't remember the last time I heard a Scots, an Englishman and an Irishman joke yet we live in a very monoculture society even for Scotland. I think I was in my teens before I realised that the black lab in Dambusters, a film I loved and had watched over and over with my dad, was called N***** and no one batted an eye, that would never happen in a film today. That we are so keen to divide ourselves in order to belong somewhere is something we can all change with enough effort.💜💙💚💛🧡❤️.