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Explain to me why i am always changing my mind. First of all let me start this by saying... hello i'm back. I've been away for quite some time, gathering thoughts and changing my future. Not towards my wanted goal tho. But of one that pleases everyone else. Including who i believe God to be. Most importantly, i just want to be able to become happy without the guilt and realization minus the fact that i'll be fooled into thinking what i WANT to do is the right direction for me...
Is there a reason why i am the way i am. I am going to just spill my guts for everyone that reads this. First of all, my stomach hurts cause i am hungry... i am living in a hotel cause i have not been able to find a stable place to live yet, and i just broke it off with a girl. The girl didnt like the fact that i wanted to become a girl, i might add. That sucked. For real, it did. The point of the whole thing about telling her was to find someone i once had to support me, as well, in my all too knowing to be, transition. She wasnt for it at all. She didnt see me as a freak, but as someone that could still "be friends" with her. Which was fine cause when i kissed her i didnt feel that firework feeling anymore like i used to when i kissed a girl...
So i think i may be gay... wait, bi. Yup, i think i am falling for a guy i have been hanging out with, but its too soon to tell if it will go anywhere. I dress up every now and again, but not much anymore. Its not the fact that i feel like a girl when i dress... but around the clock i just wish it had been different. I feel fake putting on a bra with no breasts to fill it in. I get irritated, being an understatement, when i wear panties and my crotch has to be taped in order to "look" female... Its irritating for me to be a man. I dont know why, but it seems as if transition is going to be the only way to get to where i want to be in life.
A girl with a guy. Isnt that the way its suppose to be? Well, i see myself as the girl, until i look at my now covered with hair face in the mirror... then its too clear. I wasnt born a girl, i was born a guy... and that straight up PISSES me off! I am slowly becoming angrier as the days turn to weeks and the weeks turn into months, and the months have turned to be today, and all i can say is, "i am NOT who i want to BE!" I have more to give than this "male" body can express... and i just want to cry when i cant "be" myself, even when i am alone BY myself... If there was only an answer to my problem that i am willing to listen to...
My mom has been SO supportive over the whole "i think i'm trans" thing, and i can barely talk about it with her cause i feel like i talk about it WAY too much! With everyone i ask for signs if i am who i think i am... and the answer differs, lol. But anyways she said something to me. She said that if i liked men then i was a homosexual. I told her that i didnt want to BE a man WITH a man. I wanted to be a girl with a guy, like i was suppose to be. So she said that i was a crossdressing homosexual... Sigh... theres something wrong with that. I dont really LIKE to dress cause i feel like a guy dressing like a girl and it pisses me off... once again, because i am in an obviously male body. I am in a position of listening to what OTHER people say, which is the only way of life that i know. I am a follower and thats a feminine trait. Doesnt make me a female tho, so i am told. So what makes me feel like i am who i think i am?
I want to express something, or "confess", as my blog is called "Confessions via Laptop" for a reason, that i have some skeletons... I DO masterbate... BUT... i only masterbate when i am thinking of being with a man as a girl. Once i get done with it, i continue on my way living my life wanting to be a girl. So is my wanting to be a girl a "fetish"? I really dont know... maybe. maybe not... All i know is that the few minutes after, i am not horny anymore, so there is no "feeling" of feeling like a girl, OR a guy for that matter. But then later i want to be a girl again... even after a climax! So of course, i cant do my "deed" again, but i have this feeling of "Wow, life would be so much better if i werent a guy" So my mom thinks i'm gay... My male part thinks i have a fetish, and as Me, i just want to be a girl... period.
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On my last visit to the doctor I had my first experience of someone laughing at me in public as a transwoman. I am reasonably sure the laughing was about me but I chose not to look as I passed by the two young men. I felt like I was a little kid again, first day of school where someone made fun of what I was wearing. Following the laughter was some real faint whispering, when the men began to chat more about what they just saw. (what is ironic is that the two men whispering sounded like what you would expect from some little girls, not boys) I mentioned the experience to my doctor and she asked me how I handled it. I thought for a moment and came up with what I thought to be a pretty good plan of attack to this issue in my life. She liked my response and said that it would be good for me to write it down. I hope this thought process can also help someone else.
For that one moment in time that someone may laugh or discriminate against you is it worth suffering a lifetime in the wrong body by not transitioning, just to avoid those little moments? After all, those little moments will pass again and again. Then you will be left with all of the rest of the time that you must live with yourself. So why not ignore the little moments and decide to be happy in the big moments of life; the moments that go on and on and have you in it. The moments when you really live life in your work, in relationships and personal time.
Right now it seems like the little moments are big moments, but they are not. The real bad comments or looks are all passing moments usually from strangers. The little moments can turn into big bad moments if I let these things bother me and ponder them for hours or days. For every moment like that where I move on quickly, I become a stronger person. I learn that what matters most in my life is how I feel about myself (am I at peace with myself?)and my ability to live life to the fullest despite the challenges.
I look forward to the day that I can look back and say I did it! I also look forward to each new day as I wish to try to enjoy the journey to womanhood to the best of my ability. As of now I am more like a little girl learning a new way of life and slightly different method of relating to people than I am used to and I should enjoy all of these moments as realistically as possible as I didn't exactly get to live them out earlier in my life.
So in Summary... I am the one who lives with myself all of the time, my relationship with everyone else and the majority of my experiences with these people are only small moments in time. Which part in time do I want to enjoy the little moments that pass, or the big moments that can even give birth to smaller little moments that really matter?
I choose life, my life, my way, my happiness.
I would like to ask all the other people out their if anyone has ever tried some of those tanning lotions.Earlier this week I bought some of the jergens brand.I have been using it for about the days and I think I can start to see A difference.Befor I bought it L looked around and none of the people I talked to had anything bad to say about it,But one thing everyone did say is that they all leave your skin with A yellowish color.For me I have only used it on my legs so any change is A good change.Im starting to see that yellowish color but I really hope it well all blend in.Other then that this week was pretty good.The only real downer was my unemploed brother constintly calling to borrow money and now that I have stopped giving hem money he has started stealing from me and my parents.I see myself as more of a lover not a fighter but I have just about changed my train of thought on fighting.I cant say that I would ever hit my brother but stealing from my parents thats it for me.I love and respect my parents but let me ask What do u think u would do.Anyway the weekend well be batter I have plans on going to the beach and just having some fun.
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Dreams have a way of telling you things right? Well it'll be nice if everyone were like Daniel from the book of Daniel, and just naturally interpret them at the drop of a hat. For I wasn't gifted in that area, *sighs* along with other things like discernment. But things have a way of working themselves out I guess. Anyway, I had this dream last night, and it was really nice for the fact that I prayed to God to literally tell me in a dream if it was "ok" to transition and just be who i am, for I am as you guessed it by now, pretty spiritual. Not religious, spiritual. I have a relationship with God, or try to anways, instead of looking over my shoulder to see if he's going to hit me. I sometimes feel that way too, so don't get me wrong, I mean, I'm totally afraid of what God could do to me when I do this. So I asked him. And this is what I viewed as his little "heavenly sent revelation maker".
I was at this really fancy out doors party. I had a gf for some reason and I was in my male body dressed in fem attire. Well, she guided us to this dinner table as I was watching everyone just give me this look of puzzlement, like they couldn't tell if I was a boy or a girl. But I was walking with my gf of two minutes when we came to our table. Remember the gay guy from As Good as it Gets? Well he was there, with HIS wife, gf, sister, or something just sitting there waiting for us to come by so he could finally meet me. We just talked and ate for awhile, but the scene switched to us leaving and I got caught up behind for some reason, and was left alone with everyone just looking at me as I was walking to look for them. This group of men were sitting outside just checking me out. One of them came to me and said, "Dang babe, give me a ring you pretty thing!" And I turned around and started to walk away. Then he caught up with me and stopped in front of me. He started talking to me about something, as if we'd been friends for a long time or something. Then the unexpected happened. He slapped me across my face! And walked away. So I was left alone in my hoodie, put my hands in my pockets, and walked off on the verge to tears. Then I woke up! That's it. I know it's not much but that was my dream. But I think I know what it means. Some of it anyways. And it all started today.
Today I was pretty much put to shame by one of my friends. If you read my first blog you would know that I am a musician singer songwriter, and I sing my own songs as a guy. So my friend sees me as this soon to be found artist who has great potential to do something great with my life music wise. He doesn't like the fact that I want to be a girl tho. Even tho I told him it's not the case that I want to be anything. It's simply the fact that I just am. Well we were drinking some Cape Cods, those that don't know what those are, it's just vodka and cranberry juice. Which is very tasty if made just right, i might add:) Anyways we got to the point of me, as Kate. I used to refer myself as two people, cause it made me feel better that I had no control over my situation, making it easier to just accept that I am who I am cause of this girl inside of me wanting to live the rest of my life. I would also state that this person that they see is just a society formed individual who shoved the real me down as far as he could so as to be accepted by the world. This is just how I felt. It's a bit different, but I'm still like learning, so hand me a frickin' bone here:p learning how to explain it I mean, btw. Anyways he can't and never could accept the fact that I wanted to " fix" my situation. So last night we were drinking and we got on the subject of my transitioning and how it could effect him as a heterosexual man. He said a certain thing that really hit home. "How are you going to make money as Kate?! Nobodys going to accept a freak, man! Screw Kate! (which wasn't the exact words he used) She's going to screw up your life! You need to start thinking about what you want and what she wants!" I mean it was a really harsh way of putting it but he was right about one thing. He literally slapped me in my face with reality, and I was on the verge to tears. I told him I just wanted to be me. And he told me to just do it in my "private time". I couldn't imagine redoing the closet transgender sharade my whole life, no offense to you if you are, it's just not something that I want:( But I DO need cash flow, and I DO need to plan a future for myself. My plans as a guy were to be a musician and somehow pursue "my" dream to become famous or something. Haha. I realize how horrible that plan is, btw. I quit school, high school, and never went back. I mean if I go back, which i am definetely going to, I would rather go as myself than to lie to another 100,000 people or so. (I exagerate a bit) Seeing how it will be another change for me, and the career path that I choose to take. Which I personally believe that my feminine side brings the best out of me. I mean as a still closeted guy I wasn't even considering finishing high school better yet college. But I am now, and I think it would be a good move. They'll be new experiences, new friends, and I will have a very wide selection of things to consider doing for the rest of my life. But is that throwing the first dream that I am allready ready for away? I must tell you, I have recording agents wanting me from a handful of places. And they aren't small, plus I'm not bragging, I'm simply telling you what I am willing to sacrifice for my dream (no quotes:p)
So I think that's what the dream was about. Feeling alone cause I chose friends that were oblivious to what I was going thru and just left me in the dust? I don't know. It's more the fact that I felt sad and alone cause I felt like I was the only person like that at the party period. And I am. I wake to face only me in the mirror. Not the person I am happy to be, but it doesn't take away the fact that's who I am right now, or at least percieve to the world. It's like that old saying, "work with what you got". I will always feel alone in places where there isn't anyone there that has the slightest idea what I'm going through! I can't explain it to everyone I meet. It just brought some deep thought to what I was allready thinking. That dream I mean. I just jumped in this new life as quick as I could. I mean as soon as I knew, I was telling anyone I could get ahold of that would be the most receptive, that i was trans. I was proud at first. But now it's all of this work and heartache of loads I haven't even seen yet! But like all of you I am willing to take my "cross" and live the life I want to live, regardless of what happens. Things are easier said than done tho, wouldn't you agree?
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This Blog is to give support to those who have carried heavy guilt and shame their whole lives because many religions and cultures suggest we are disordered and an insult (abomination) to God. What follows "coming out" to a fundamentalist is the idea that God might work a miracle; that some how ones brain will magically become different and see things the way "normal" people do. In these next paragraphs I write for those of you who are troubled because you have lead good lives and worked hard to be the best you can be and yet because of this "one" thing we feel incomplete, secret and maybe even a little ashamed. The thoughts of wanting to right something that is wrong often dominates at least some portion of every day and at some times every moment of our life.
Many of you have begun to realize that there is nothing to fix on the inside. Rather, by re-working the outside package we better reflect what is on the inside. But when we try to do this we are often faced with rejection or just the fear of rejection from a culture that does not understand.
To me there is a similarity between "transition" and that of buying an old house or moving to a different apartment. Sometimes we redo our home by just re-painting rooms, and redecorating, other times we literally tear down walls. Some homes have so much work to do that we realize we will be taking each project according to priority a little bit at a time. Other times when time is limited and may go for a major reconstruction and rebuild from the ground up. Whatever the case our reason for doing all of this work is to make the home fit us and our personality. We want to be comfortable in a place where we sleep, work, and entertain at day after day after day.
If you have finally reached the point where you understand that there is nothing wrong with who you are on the inside then you are well on your way to inner healing.
Since most of us care what people think, we are constantly kept from reaching our full potential because of what a few people might say. When you reach a point in your life when you think you have heard it all, suddenly you recognize that if everyone left you today, it would just be you and God if you have that spiritual connection. If all you have is yourself, who are you then, what makes you happy.
I have believed in God my whole life. I pray every day to God in my own way. All of my prayers have been answered over the years, I think because of what I ask for: usually wisdom, strength, learning the real meaning of the word love, help in making decisions in life, self-esteem issues, peace of mind, longing for tears, etc., getting answers to some really big questions that I know only God has the real answers to.
I recently specifically asked God to help me find out who I really am. I asked God to help me with this identity crisis. I immediately started writing a diary which help me get the thoughts out and then God helped me by leading me to people who have had a similar experience as myself; through this website.
Two weeks ago I thought I was alone. Now I know there are more like me. We are troubled, we fear, we worry, we are anxious, we are excited, and we are sometimes severely depressed. Together we help one another see how our similarities and our differences come together to represent a new complex being. We are different and yet the same. We are special and unique with gifts and talents yet to be discovered if we are allowed to be free.
Earlier in my life I wondered about whether or not I should "Transition" to the gender I identified with. The thoughts never really left me and I continued to remain silent to the people in my life. Now years later I realize I have always been in transition. As to how far this transition will go, is yet an unknown, but I do know that however it turns out in the end, I will have the loving touch of God to comfort me.
What has really been helpful for me spirtually was to separate the purely sexual behavior (and often explicit material that can be associated with this issue) from the more innocent spiritual side of things. I found that much of the secret feelings and unhealthy deceptiveness began to diminish when I finally accepted myself as simply different. I realized it was necessary for me to let the person inside me be a part of the real world. It is the many little risks in life that prove to be good or bad only when you have actually put them to the test.
Before "coming out" to any difficult person, one needs to know in their heart what is right, between you and God. When you have resolved the person you are to yourself and feel accepted by your own moral self, you are no longer looking for opinions. Once the inner conflict is resolved and you know God accepts you. At that point, when you share yourself with the real world, you begin to find out who your real friends are.
The research I have done into Gender Identity Disorder has helped me realize some facts about myself.
I am a very sensitive person who tests and identifies completely with the female gender. Because I have a male body, people expect me to identify as a male. It is their expectations that caused me to take my feelings to the closet and repress this feminine self for many years. I became disconnected with myself, unhappy and even suicidal at various times of my life. As terrible as the roller coaster ride was I seemed to be able to pick myself up over and over again. Constantly trying so hard to be somebody that I was not.
But the mind cannot handle this forever. Sure, the outside world thinks the problem is solved, because they don't have to see the brokenness, they don't have to look at, what for them may be weird and out of place. Instead you live in anxiety the rest of your life and your own rejection of self begins a process of degeneration to your whole body from the inside out.
My transitioning started years ago as a baby from day one, when I stroked my favorite super soft baby blanket to when I played house with my friends, my first tap dance recital, when I first put on girls clothes, to when I got my first perm at a salon at 11 years old, to when I first shaved my legs. Every other year or so I became more and more comfortable with the little hints of feminine that I could accept in myself as being Ok for me.
Eventually all of these little changes I was making in myself added up and I realized that I was still alive. I still had friends, and most people never said a thing or didn't even notice. Currently I am almost completely dressing the way I want. Until two years ago, I had much guilt and shame about my secret and I would purge everything once in a while thinking I was cured forever. Finally, this year, I was able to realize that I would not be cured. God did not make a mistake with me. I am different but no less human then anyone else. There were plenty of other things in my life where I could find my sins, but this GID was not one of them.
We are living in a society that can finally give us the chance of a little added protection from abuse and discrimination. How we approach what is going on with us to others will have long term effects for generations to come. I have come out to my oldest child of 14 years and he accepts me brokenness and all. He doesn't completely understand yet but he knows that if he has something he wants to share with me in the future I will be there for him.
Everyone on this site who has written posts is helping me realize what a process this is. One day at a time.
Thank you everyone for sharing. I hope you will find a similar comfort in your life from the wonderful communications on this website.
I am a Woman.
A question was posted about God not answering prayer for this GID. I want to reply by saying:
If you have finally accepted who you truly are, than that enlightment may be God's answer to your prayer. It takes all of the courage in the world to deny the world but praise God for what he created in you.
I came out to my best friend of almost 20 years, He has rejected me. I knew it would happen and I can accept that. But I pity everything about him now, because of how closed he is to loving those who are different from him. It is not easy accepting changes in self and others but it is a necessary part in moving forward in life.
My life started with very innocent feelings regarding my femine qualities, than at puberty the feelings were mixed with testosterone and the changes that come with it. As I discovered sexual feeling accidentally I did become addicted at a point to sexual excitement. This excitement was always surrounded by the rare opportunities that I had to act out the real me (in fem clothes of course) The only time I felt the most like a boy would have been in those early years when the testosterone was so high. But even with my boyhood and into manhood I could never shake the very true feelings buried deep inside.
I went on to take on jobs, got married and had children, but this is how everything is unfolding now..
I am going to list all of the things that make me a woman and when taken together I think it will be obvious to anyone, what is really going on.
-My mother had been on heavy doses of estrogen before she got pregnant with me.
-My mother loved me so much, she always considered me a miracle baby
-She would never have any more children because of the estrogen treatment
-She contracted breast cancer at 55 and died from it at 58.
-I almost died as an infant from complications.
-I was deeply loved and probobly spoiled by my parents
-My parents raised me in the catholic church and were devout moral people.
-My parents were excellent parents.
-My parents gave me many opportunities to explore life
-My parents had an intense fear of rejection from the outside world
-My parents had great trouble accepting abnormal things because my parents were very simple people.
-I have always been a complex person and I gave my parents as much frustration as I did enjoyment because of my intensity and analytical methods.
- My father was a provider but a perfectionist
- My mother was everything to me and a collector of things
- I looked up to my father and always found him to be handsome.
- I looked up to my mother and felt she was the most beautiful woman in the world.
So now here is the list of what makes Me a woman
-I have always been attracted to good looking men like my father
-I have never acted on these feelings and don't intend to currently
-I have always been intensely attracted to women but wished so to be like them: not in as much in a sexual way but more of a deep friendship expressed by holding hands, kissing and hugging. Later in Puberty I made the sexual connection but it was not as important as the other things in life.
-As a little child I did not know about sex and I am happy for that, it kept me innocent a little longer
-I always loved color, give me all the color in the world. The rainbow was one of my most favorite pictures to draw.
-I have always loved the softest things on my skin. Silk, Rayon, Cotton. I wore holes in my blanket out by petting it so much.
-I loved playing with toys, but my favorite toys were the girs toys especially barbie, the make believe kitchen set, games involving fantasy, dollhouses, dolls, I loved all of it. The sad thing is that I never told mom. I was scared. I learned to accept the boys section and enjoyed what I could from it. I rarely ever bought toy guns and my very favorite toy of all was Legos. I loved to create my own world. And I loved pretending I was a real live girl.
-I always looked in the girls and womens sections for everything in store catalogs.
-Every day of my life I have gone to bed wishing I would wake-up a physical woman.
-I have lived the life of a man and that's what people see. But I really don't understand men because I am not one.
-I desperately wanted to be in dance recitals. I gave up because I could not wear the clothing that was correct for my gender identity.
-I loved hanging around the girls.
-90% of my friends were girls.
-I wanted to be with girls since birth it was not forced on me
-I did not really even like hanging around boys until puberty
-The boyfriends I had were a lot like me
Brian, Bob, Andy, EH, Andy G
-I have always fit in perfectly around woman
-Deep tendency for gossip
-temptations of envie and revenge
-Attractions to material things, trinkets, collectibles etc.
-Love for Nostalgia
-Always wanting to be the girl that could fit the glass shoe
-I am deeply offended by pornography
-I always want to be the woman when I did see Pornography
-I am a deep spiritual thinker
-I am sensitive
-I am emotional
-I am motherly (though this has definately been repressed)
-I am empathetic
-I love shopping and all that goes along with it
-I love beautful clothing
-I always go to a salon to cut my hair and this is what I want
-I love the ballet and other dance recitals
-I love the theatre and acting
-I always wished to be a ballet dancer.
-I wished that I could have been in a wedding dress at my wedding
-I identify with both Jesus and Mary, but have always freely prayed out to God directly.
-I have never had sex with anyone other than my wife
-I was a virgin until I was 24 years old
-I hated asking girls on dates, I was always too shy
-I have always felt embarassed to have to sometimes be in public without a tshirt on.
-I always sit down to go to the bathroom
-I hate going into the mens bathroom
-I use a stall whenever possible
-I am extremely nervous in the mens bathroom
-I do not trust men
-I fear what men often do to women
-I express myself naturally in feminine ways
-When I get out of the shower and look in the mirror, I hide my penis to see things how it should be
-I am very creative
-I am extremely musical
-I love everything about the Arts.
-Cleaning the house and chores are very natural for me
-I love to cook but have been repressed in that area for years.
-I have no desire for hunting, and hate even kiling flies
-squiggly squirmy animals make me jump out of my seat
-I would scream a lot if my vocal chords aloud it.
-I loved reading Gone with the wind and Identified totally with Scarlet Ohara
-If I got into reading love novels I would never put them down
-My greatest turn on is that which is poetic and in words
-A well written greeting card will easily make me cry.
-I cry easily in movies
-I cry often for no reason
-I enjoy romantic movies, but I always Identify with the girl
-Being a girl is natural for me it takes very little effort.
-I am not embarassed being dressed as a girl, I just fear what other people think of me.
-Styled hair, make-up and colorful clothes, always make me feel better and prettier
-I like to be pretty
-I like to serve others
-I can't stand just giving people directions I have to get involved
-I always wanted to be a housewife
-I desperately wanted to actually give birth someday.
-I am never comfortable in mens groups made up of real men.
-I am uncomfortable around most gay men unless they exhibit soft female traits.
-I absolutely love hugs and could never get enough
-I have a heart extra heart beat that only corrects itself when my wife holds my hands or connects with me in some other way.
- I loved to be touched and stroked. I have very sensitive skin
-I love to have all areas of my body touched gently
-I experience very intense and sometimes prolonged orgasms
-I feel love for many people and compassion even for those who do not like me.
-My greatest prejudice is against those people who are so disgusted of me.
-I absolutely love baths
-Shaving my legs and body hair is very natural for me
-I hate the hair on my body
-I have some breast development and I welcome it.
-I am fond of my legs, eyes, mouth ears, and my nose is a little big but still lovable
-I have always been uncomfortable with my penis and my greatest dream is to have it turn into a vagina.
-The penis is in the way of a lot of natural interest that I have. Ballet, Gymnastics, Ice Dancing, Swimming, Bicycling, and Horse back riding.
- I want to experience more in life before I get to old.
-I love my children deeply in a very motherly way.
-I have not rejected being a male, I have never been one.
-Transition to a Female seems like a natural thing to do the science wasn't there years ago. it was only a dream.
-Every day I have dreamed about having my mind and body match
-I am not sick
-You cannot change my mind without killing me (then my feminine soul will move on)
-If you want to pray for a miracle, pray that I wake up in a female body.
-I am willing to die before I would ever deny my true self again.
What normal balanced man would have the above feelings.
I would like to know how a real man would describe his life experience...
I was considering one final possibility in this conflict of mine. If society accepted people like us as simply different, my internal struggles would not be as significant. The only difference between myself and a XX woman is the outside package.
As of now I am a beautiful woman on the inside of a male package. If society uses what is between the legs for its segregating than the only real solution for me is surgery. I have no problem with it accept that it would be a shame to loose the sexual feeling down there if things go wrong. However, I have enjoyed a lot of sex in the past and to me I would rather spend 90% of the rest of my days enjoying being a complete woman rather than 90% of my time wishing I could be. I desperately want room down there as well. Rid myself of the discomfort forever.
As for family and friends. If they do not accept me, then they unfortunately are the ones with the problem. There is nothing else I can say. I have been spending so much time trying to fit in as a male that it has caused my body to finally give up. My mind seems to be producing its own estrogen, telling me that it is finally time to let go of the pain and start to live out the person I really am.
As I say goodbye to the outer shell of who I was. I will still be the same on the inside. However I will be having new experiences on the outside that will allow me to experience more friendship with the ones I love. I long to be with other women, they are my source of love and companionship, being in the wrong body inhibits my abilities to make this connection with them. As for men, I really never made many friends with them anyway. I'll keep the ones I can connect with and forget the ones that don't care about me, just the way it happens in real life.
As for my wife. I will never stop loving her. If she still sees the person she needs to see on the outside regardless of my physical changes, I see no reason to break ties with that commitment. I love her very very much.
I have shared many words today but they are straight from the heart. I must let go of the pain and give it all up to God, for he loves me as a I am, my spirit, the Woman in Me.
Today was my big day at the hairdressor. For 30 years I have been going to salons, but I never really got the style I wanted. Whenever I went in I always had the same perm. If I ever had a chance to look at the picture books they would always hand me the guys haircuts. Though I didn't want to be teased in those years I really wanted the hairdressor to style my hair with a feminine touch. But I never was able to get the words out. A long time has past and I realized I can no longer go on holding back with the person who has the most potential to help me feel better about myself.
When I called for the appointment I first mentioned that I was going to be sharing something confidential with her when I came in. I asked for an appointment when it wasn't so busy. I managed to tell her that I would be wanting a woman's style and that I was comfortable with that. She said she would have some choices ready for me when I came in.
Appointment day came (today). I got there early so that I could be relaxed. There were two older ladies over 70 and they immediately smiled when I came in. I figured half the smile was for my new earings. One of them asked me, "so are you the hairdressor?", I calmly said No, just here for a haircut.
Then the owner came around the corner and did the usual. She saw the girls cuts I was looking at and she said, "too long for you and handed me the guys book again". This time however I was prepared because knew I had talked about this earlier with my hairdressor. I was polite, but immediately placed the guys book down when she went back behind the counter and picked up another girls book. This time I saw a few pages were marked with light blue paper. I looked at the styles and said, "this looks pretty good I wonder if these marked pages were for me". A few moments later my hairdressor called me up and I brought the book with. I showed her the cuts I liked and she agreed with me and told me she had marked the pages. I mentioned that before we selected something she needed to see one more set of pictures. From an office file folder I presented her with the Close-up head shots that I had recently posted on this site in my photo gallery. This was the ultimate adventure for me because I had no idea how things were going to go. I said, are you familiar with transgender? She said yes, and she immediately pointed to my favorite picture of the group. She started talking about the picture in the third person. I stopped her and said, you know that's me right? and she nodded her head. I asked if she was ok with all of this and she said yes. The next 5 minutes or so she began to explain my options and talk to me like she would have to any other woman in the shop. We settled on a style that gives me a lot more options than ever before and then got to work on my hair.
I enjoyed every minute of this experience I really started to feel more like Amie as the haircut and perm shaped my hair into something special. We talked about a lot of the usual, because other people were in the room, but sometimes I mentioned things that I knew just she would understand. It was like little code words here and there that let her know I was willing to share.
Almost at the end of the perm with lots of big rollers in my hair the older customer was beginning to leave, she stopped and said "when can I see how he turns out". Both hairdressors said we know he's young and handsome but he's married with children. For a moment I thought she was spoiling all of the fun but then I laughed when she asked me how she thought my family was going to take the perm. I said, "no problem, I have been doing this for years". You see the big difference was the type of cut and the extra pampering that I got with this style. I begged the client to go without seeing me because I said I'm sure we have more than a few minutes left here. She smiled and wished me a good weekend and then my hairdressor got back to work on the masterpiece.
When she was finished she took a little extra time to show me the different ways I could show off my new style. I felt so good inside. Another one of those big weights was lifted from me. I also had one of the nicest conversations with the hairdressor and strengtened my relationship with the salon owner. Both Hairdressors new I was more nervous today and really helped me feel at home. Before I left, they assured me that I should not be too worried about other people because I carry myself well. They said they like my personality and that looking different on the outside didn't matter to them. It was at that moment that I realized that they let me into their circle. I was accepted as one of them. A real woman. We entered into that sacred circle of trust and I felt a real sense of finally belonging. If I never made that phone call ahead of time and took a chance with showing Amie's picture I would have had the same old haircut and would have missed all that fun.
My good experience had a lot to do with the salon I picked. This was a small salon. I was told that sometimes its harder to maintain a sense of privacy at the bigger salons. If you are someone trying to hold on to your current job before getting something different as the new you, it makes sense to do just a little careful questioning and research before jumping in.
Earlier this morning at work an older woman friend of mine noticed my earings. She point to her ears and said to me "I like the new addition". She also made me feel so good inside. I said no one had commented about them yet and she said they looked nice. Today was a good day, considering the way the week started, I have confidence that I can do this now, I just need to start using my women's intuition.
Finally, I realized that with all the people that may reject me, when you find someone who really cares it makes it all worth while. While the hair dressor and I were talking between perm applications, I came up with a statement she liked so much she wrote it down on a note for herself.
It reads: "Sometimes when you overthink things, you can miss opportunities".
This was one of those days. I took a chance and gained two new friends today. Just one day at a time.
I hope you enjoyed reading about my experience I hope to share more stories as they unfold.
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I had a lot of fun taking these photos the other day but I thought about how hard it is for most of you to take a decent picture that will actually flatter rather then distort who you are. I took more pictures than I actually posted because some just didn't look right. I especially started this blog because I feel so much better and fulfilled since I took a good picture of my self and took the time to select the best. These pictures are exactly the way I took them except for cropping and making the files smaller jpeg for the internet. Please feel free to ask me questions about tips on taking your own photos. I would be happy to help you accomplish whatever results you are after. I am excited about learning more about make-up and my next photos hopefully will cover more of my beard shadow.
Some Basic Tips
1. Pick a neutral background as far aways from you as possible (this ads depth)
2. Use the same color temperature lighting all the way around
3. Halogen Lights are the best for back and rim lighting
4. Soft white light is best in front of the face. (do not mix fourescent lighting with other types or your face may end up different colors. lights should be placed at a 45' angle up and around left right front and rear like a box.
5. Do not use flash
6. Use manual adjustments and experiment until you get the look you want
7. shoot with a professional camera, lenses make a big difference
8. Don' be disappointed if things don't look right at first readjust light for most flattering look
9. Have more light behind you to flatter the edges of your clothing and hair
10. Supply soft even lighting to your face so as not to bring to much attention to what you don't want to see.
11. Use a tripod
12. Don't shoot through a mirror or glass
13. Take the time for yourself to get a good picture
14. Use a timer and a multi shutter camera can take a few shots in a second for various poses and expressions
15. shoot at highest resolution of your camera get a wider shot, you can always crop and zoom in later
16. Low angles and High angles have a significant affect on how the proportions of your entire body look.
17. Mirrors can be deceiving don't trust them.
18. Use the best lense possible.
Getting a good picture is absolutely essential for people like us. A great picture can help lift our self-esteem where a bad picture can really ruin the whole experience. I feel so special now that I finally got a chance to be special.
What are some of your experiences in picture taking?
It isn't much fun taking your own pictures Is it?
Are there many photographers who cater to transgender. I hope that someday I can provide my talents exclusively for transgendered and really focus on doing the best for a group of people that deserve it. Any thought? I am so excited about knowing that I would love to help others that feel as special as I did. Photo taking doesn't have to be expensive but good results do take time. Taking pictures of older people and especially transgendered is obviously challenging as we have so many more unwanted details we are trying to cover up. Love to have you as friends. Love to help you all.
I hope you enjoy looking through my gallery.
I did it! Two weeks ago my daughter and I went to the mall and we both got our ears pierced. I conquered another fear of being different and it was great. I now haver a shared experience with my wife and daughter that I will remember as a fun thing we did together. What I didn't know about pierced ears was how they have to stay in for about 6 weeks without taking them out. How many of you have taken this plunge? I got both ears pierced because I don't believe in any of the attached meanings about 1 or two or right or left ear. I got both done because I like things symetrical and it is what I really wanted. I inherited my mother's earings and she had a beautiful collection. Now all three of us can enjoy my mothers collection. I used to buy my mother earrings and always wished I could wear them, now I am one step closer to feeling prettier and more comfortable with who I am. The earrings are obvious and so I realize I may get some comments, however in two weeks so far not one person has said a thing (that I know of). Experiencing new things in life can really be exciting!
As I entered into my middle age a little over a year ago I noticed that I had had more breast tissue than I ever had. I did a little research and found out that a lot of men go through some of these physical changes naturally. Since I always wanted breasts I embraced the changes that were naturally occuring and discovered a way to feel more feminine than ever before. There is information online about male lactation and male breast-feeding if you look for it. I tried various techniques of nipple stimulation for long periods of time both manual and using a breast pump. After regular intervals for about a week I was absolutely amazed at the results. Even though I did not produce milk as of yet I seemed to start a process in my body that caused changes in my nipples and breast similar to a woman who is pregnant. My wife confirmed with me a few weeks later that my nipples were taking on the characteristics necessary for lactation. Using a breast pump was not pleasant at first, but getting past the unpleasant stage brought comforting feelings that one has to experience to truly understand. After some time I could express some liquid from my nipples and it is fascinating. The reason I have started this blog is not to try to guarantee results but to mention something that has brougt me closer to being feminine naturally, without having to actually take a prescription. Pumping the breast made me sleepy and relaxed. Feelings of motherly love, especially when imagining a baby actually suckling from my breast. The feeling of let down even though the breasts are not yet fully ready for this. The very gradual but noticable increase in breast size from practically nothing to at least an A cupsize. Since I used these methods I feel more like a woman than ever and have accepted these physical changes rather than worry about them. Does anyone else have an experience like this to share?
I have eaten a lot of carrots and cucumbers and chicken over the last 10 years since my wife has been more interested keeping us healthy I do not know if some of my diet has also contributed to an increase in my natural hormones or not. I have heard that some men and women can lactate from intense desire as well so I do not guarantee results this has just been my own personal observation. I am not concerned about a medical problem because the breasts are shaped uniformally and the nipples have increased in size and they have become darker pink in color.
It's sunday and my wife is away at her parents, wont be back till tomorrow
The kids are downstairs with their mates, which reduces me to my bedroom; wish there'd all go out. But, oh well, i'm getting some me time. i can only dress up and imaging being full female,, oh, how i wish with all my heart, that I could share more of me with the world... :rolleyes:
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Create your own blog at TGGuide.com. It's FREE and you can start right now. Some people blog as a sort of journal to share our thoughts, feelings, experiences and insights. Others blog to express opinions on social and political issues. Others blog to share their knowledge and experience with others. Go ahead. Express yourself! Others may be grappling with issues you blog about and your words could provide useful insight or answers.
Here are some blog topic ideas to get your creative juices flowing;
- A daily journal about your life and experiences
- A journal documenting when you go full time
- A journal to document your gender reassignment surgery
- Dating experiences and tips
- Crossdressing tips
- Experience with makeup
- Passing in public
- Your experiences when you go out in public
- Restroom experiences
- Transitioning at work
- Dealing with counselors or medical personnel
- Introspection about your particular gender identity
- Dealing with or overcoming self-limiting beliefs
- Dealing with addictions
- Dealing with self-destructive behaviors
- Interactions with police or government workers
- Changing your drivers license, birth certificate, etc.
- Applying for jobs
- Your big day, when you go full time
- Hormonal development (please don't discuss dosages or make medical type recommendations)
- Experiences with electrolysis
- How other members of your new gender react to you, and your experiences
- Your recommendations to others about to follow your path
- Your thoughts about whether surgery is necessary to be your desired gender
- Differences in how you feel dressed or not dressed
- What your life would be like if you still repressed your inner identity
- Poetry or prose
These are a few ideas to get you started. Feel free to leave comments to suggest your own ideas, or just start a blog and share with everyone.
Just log into your control panel to start your own blog. This could be interesting!