Emma

Certainly agree with that. We see that gays and lesbians continue to be threatened even as the reality of their humanity is so obvious and valued. Similarly, people of color experience raw prejudice, hate, and bigotry. Women are held back with mysogeny and unfair treatment. I’m sure we’ll experience the same. But we’re gettin’ there! Keep the faith but don’t let down your guard. Be as active, visible, and vocal as you can. I certainly understand that my being out of the closet is a dream I never expected.

Hey Michael, First, sending you hugs and best wishes for a delightful Christmas and wonderful 2019. You’re mighty special in my book, my friend. Yes, there’s still a long way to go and I’m also very fearful of Pence. And, we are experiencing DT’s unwinding of progress we have made in recent years. The thing that they don’t seem to comprehend is that the genie won’t be stuffed back into the bottle. Waylaid a bit to be sure but the taste of freedom is impossible to rinse out. Of course I’m speaking from a bubble around Seattle that is unlike so many areas in the US. I can go about my life confidently that my fears are, for the most part, my worst enemy. That said I’m really looking forward to ramping up my participation in the Human Rights Campaign next year. I plan to attend a meeting in Washington DC in March (at my expense), absorb and learn, and return to add my energy to raising awareness and funding for LGBTQ equality. We will overcome. I don’t know when, and, I suppose, the fight will continue long after we are dearly departed, but I’m thanking my lucky stars to be here at this moment in history. Best wishes, Emma

I was bullied a lot as a young child, starting around 6 and lasting until about 12. Two boys, one who lived across the street and the other two blocks from us. I didn’t know what to do. I cried when they teased, taunted, and threatened me. I just wanted to be friends. My father advised that I fight, or call them worse names than they called me, but I was too afraid. No brothers, no sisters, just me and my bipolar mother since my father was at work most of the time. To this day I’m so careful to not hurt anyone’s feelings. I just don’t want to. It’s like my Prime Directive. Last night my ex-wife phoned me, we talked for almost three hours. She cried a lot. She misses our marriage. I listened, took it all without defending or pointing out that our marriage hadn’t been so great for years before I came out to her. She closed the call asking why I’m not someone she can hate. She’d like to, I think, since it would help her rationalize our divorce and process her grief. We still love each other but my male self is dead. I have many sad memories from those childhood years. I don’t know if I behaved the way girls would have, maybe that doesn’t matter. I think I learned how important it is to support everyone’s self esteem, and to rob them of that is brutal and mean. Maybe those boys grew up to be good men. I’ll never know. I don’t hate them but I have absolutely no interest in them or their welfare.

Fabulous, Becky! It’s a delight to meet you here. You look lovely and sound so happy and content. Welcome to TG Guide! Emma

I'm not sure if sewing is in the cards for me (I'm too much of a perfectionist!) but I'd like to relate an experience that says a lot, at least for me. My father was in AA, and each Friday evening he and my mother would attend an AA meeting along with a visit to a pie shop afterwards for socialization. As an only child I was home alone, which I loved. I cooked my own TV dinner, watched whatever I wished on TV, and yes, explored my mother's dresser. I think I was in 6th grade when I started hand sewing girls clothing for myself out of rags I found in the rag bin. I sewed a camisole, a romper, that sort of thing, and enjoyed wearing them while watching TV. I think I even sewed in crotch snaps into the romper. 🙂 I was like Richard Dreyfus in Close Encounters of the Third Kind, drawn toward this activity much like he was creating his model of Devils Tower in his living room. I guess it all stopped when one morning my mother woke me up for school only to discover that I was wearing the camisole. She was shocked, and walked out of my room saying something like "we'll have to talk with your father about this." We never did. I purged everything and tried to permanently bury that experience...

WOW!!!

Yeah, a very understandable concern that I shared. I decided to come out because: I imagined laying on my death bed heartbroken that I'd squandered my opportunity, wishing that I'd stood up for myself. They say that you find out who is truly a friend and those who're less so. I lost a few friends, fewer than 5-10. We never know how much quality time we have left. Time to make hay while the sun shines. Is it really selfish to claim and be your authentic self? Not at all in my book. You're being true to yourself. If you lose a friend(s) they were friendly with the false you. It's scary to come out, certainly. I am not saying that you should or should not. I know trans women who hope the world will change to fully embrace them. I think they have their priorities out of order. We first have to learn to embrace ourselves regardless of external affirmations. The world follows, naturally attracted to happy and authentic people.

Good for you! Bravo! I gradually came out to everyone in my life over about a year, and kept a list on my iPhone until I was beyond about 50. It was fun for me to examine my list from time to time. I know now that I was feeling pride in my being authentic. Follow your feelings and heart. You don’t “have” to come out to everyone nor do you have to publicly present as a woman, transition... If you will, take small bites, consider them slowly, and think about taking more. There’s no rush, really, although at my age I felt some pressure to make hay while the sun shines. Have fun, too. It’s scary at times to be trans but it’s such a thrill ride to finally be one’s authentic self after so many years of shame and oppression. P.S. Nice photo! You look terrific!

Congratulations are in order. I know well the feelings you’re expressing, of secretly cross dressing. I bristle a bit at your calling yourself a sissy. That’s such a slur, that is demeaning and doesn’t apply to you. Good on you for coming out to your PACE friends. It feels good to be authentic, doesn’t it? Slow steps, no rush. But continue to push against your boundaries. Regardless of where you need to be (e.g., transitioning) we owe it to ourselves to come into our own and be ourselves. We only have this one life to live.

@Christy, Thanks very much for your comments. I think you're hitting on several important things: There is a lot of euphoria during transition. It's so empowering to be authentic! But once we've settled into ourselves we still carry our existential anxieties (curiosity?) even as the gender dysphoria feels greatly reduced. I've also had interactions with transitioned trans women like you did, where they carry enormous chips on their shoulders, angry and defiant and wishing that the world would change around them. Like you, I don't feel comfortable around them. Where's the fun in bonding over grief and anger? Brene also writes about that in her book, that relationships constructed on the foundations of mutual dislikes and gossip really have no foundation at all. And yet people often do this, cis, trans, whatever. Think Trump and his "base." I'm aiming to be what Brene wrote about in the quote I posted. I just am what I am. My ex-wife sent this to me along with a birthday email in May 2017 about a month after our divorce and my final departure from our home in California: "Remember that I will aIways love you. You are the finest person I have ever known and I thank God that you are in my life." I try to tuck that into my consciousness as I go through my days even though we're no longer talking to allow us both breathing and grieving space. @Monica, I'm so sorry to read about your pain. Perhaps you can write more about how you're feeling, what you're facing? Maybe it will help to get it out and have us add our support and acknowledgements that you're loved by all of us. Best wishes, Emma

Yesterday I exchanged emails with a good friend of mine, who's a cis woman, about how before/during/after transition I fretted about my gender. Although I feel very binary, a woman, I tell people that I'm a "woman of transgender experience" which, I hope conveys an understanding that I'm a woman first, but am also transgender, always and forever. Well, I tell myself that, but I still struggle. My friend wrote: "The ways we try as women to fit a standard, and inevitably fail, because it's an unattainable standard." That triggered me. I was delighted that she sees me as another woman, at least mentally. But it's habitual that I wonder how does she know? Is she saying that just to be kind? And more importantly, what am I, really? I think we all wish that we can be "fixed" of our anxieties, to be rid of them. I'm learning that this just doesn't happen. We need to learn to live with them. Maybe this quote from Brene Brown's recent "Braving the Wilderness" will help: "Stop walking through the world looking for confirmation that you don’t belong. You will always find it because you’ve made that your mission. Stop scouring people’s faces for evidence that you’re not enough. You will always find it because you’ve made that your goal. True belonging and self-worth are not goods; we don’t negotiate their value with the world. The truth about who we are lives in our hearts. Our call to courage is to protect our wild heart against constant evaluation, especially our own. No one belongs here more than you. True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are."

Good for you, Jessica! many (most? all?) have have gone through so many purge cycles particularly, as you said, when life events happen and we hope "this is finally IT," that we can finally shed what we thought of as unwelcome and shameful baggage. Now, we know differently, that our femininity has always been baked into us since birth and it's perfectly okay and glorious to be ourselves. I guess we're about the same age (I'm 62) and so we might wish we'd taken this bull by the horns many decades ago. I feel that way, sure, about many things. Thankfully we have our lives to lead as we move foreword. Live gloriously, as yourself.

I fully understand! I hope you’ll determine a way to dress and go out more often. Perhaps there’s a crossdressers group in your area?

Losing weight is hard, and it takes more than eating fewer calories than what you burn. To burn it off more quickly I suggest the Atkins approach: - carefully record each day what you’re eating and the number of calories and net carbs. To get net carbs, take the total and subtract “Dietary Fiber”. - aim for total net carbs of 25 grams or fewer per day. Exercise helps a lot too, especially with feelings of depression. For me, getting outside is wonderful. Practice gratitude for everything that you see. It’s tempting to get things like hip and butt pads but in the end they’re just uncomfortable and don’t accomplish much. I was always worried too that they’d shift or be in the “wrong” place and I’d look odd or silly. I suggest spending your money on clothing. Look around at women who’re about your size and shape and find ideas for what you’d like. Then go get them! You might find women’s clothing consignment shops for larger women. Excellent way to find clothes that fit and much lower cost than retail. They may also have shoes. It’s hard to find shoes that fit too. Welcome to TG Guide!

Hi Christy, I know what you mean about my statement about doing what you need to do without consideration of others. I wrote that quickly and although I wasn’t satisfied with it I let it stand. I’m not sure what I meant to say exactly. Perhaps this is another discussion topic for your group or another thread here in TGG, or both? Overall the point I’m trying to make is that it doesn’t do us good to ruminate so much, building up and reinforcing our fears and shame. There’s so much to “worry” about as we all well know. With that context I’m saying that we need to practice getting into a mindful headspace where we develop an understanding of what’s in our hearts, irrespective of external considerations. And with that we’re better prepared to consider our responsibilities, loves, families, and all that, to plot a truthful course through the rocks and shoals. And yet, with all that, and returning back to the topic of this thread, everyone transitions with us. It’s quite upsetting to some and does take some blind faith and courage on our part. On a happier note, about your experiences in the grocery store and elsewhere: I’m having the same kinds of interactions! I have friends who give me hugs and fist bumps at the grocery stores, hardware store, lumber store... all over. My joy, I think, radiates. Last night I was added into our local HRC chapter’s Steering Committee, which I think reflects on this too. Being trans and transitioning is darned challenging to say the least. These days I’m finding that it’s very personally rewarding!

I'd just like to politely (I hope) point out that predicting the future is impossible. Worse, many people ruminate about it, endlessly wrestling with different scenarios in a desperate effort to choose "the right one" which is, again, impossible. Yes, one must be responsible for themselves, and do their best to be prepared financially and/or job- or career-wise. I'm not encouraging anyone to take the leap into transition. Just saying that it's so easy to allow fears and uncertainties to cloud our judgment. I completely agree with this regardless of whether one transitions or not. Wanting to withdraw is a reaction to fear and establishing control over ones life because we'd be alone. Like Jessica says, it's a recipe for disaster. The key is to figure out how you need to live your life without much consideration for others. The only ones that should be considered are close family members. But even with them we only have our single life to live. I came "that close" to ending mine several years ago and would have missed so much. Returning to the original theme of Monica's post here it's well known that when we transition everyone does it with us. That can be said about any transitions: career, work, home,... even if one inherits a bunch of money or earns a lot and takes enviable vacations. Yes, gender transition is big. On reflection I don't really see why but I know it's been for some in my life. The reason I don't see why it's such a big deal is that at our core we are the same people we've always been, only happier, more grounded. Isn't that what our friends and loved ones should hope for everyone they love? For whatever reason(s) some people refuse to accept our reality. We can't control anyone including them. Convincing someone that we are valid and real can be like a religious debate, or trying to convince someone to vote Democrat instead of Republican. I think there are two important rules to live by: 1. Recognize that it's not selfish and it is our God-given right to live our lives. 2. Set an example for others of our love, respect, and support for everyone, including ourselves.

"... a common theme in self acceptance therapies seems to be to allow people into your inner circle to achieve happiness and piece of mind." This struck me as so true and honestly, I'm a believer. Another way of saying it is that being vulnerable - which means allowing people to see our selves in a less-guarded way - spawns happiness and peace of mind. If you're interested in learning more I recommend Brene Brown's books - pretty much any of them. You see, I believe that being true to ourselves means that we're being true to those outside of ourselves. For trans and others in the LGBTQ space, this can be tough. We've learned that it's risky (emotionally at least) to allow others to have an awareness of our authentic selves. For me this led to decades of hiding, shame, and fear, ultimately leading to serious depression and suicide attempts. Why? Because when we're in hiding it's as if we are living a lie, always aware of what others might think or know about our secret. Alternatively we can come out to successive layers of people (spouse/partner, family, etc.) ultimately leading to colleagues and the public. Is it risky? Yes. Is it scary? Definitely. I lost several friends, and that still hurts. But there is a relief I feel that I know well that I could never have achieved. I am still open to hurt but we all know that's life. And it's not all bad. It's good to have feelings, it makes us real people too, perhaps closer in alignment with our true gender. I don't mean to turn this discussion to me but I must add that yesterday I was a guest speaker at a local elementary school. I talked to nine different classes of 2nd, 3rd, 4th, and 5th grades. Exhausting! In the last class a 5th grade girl blurted out: "Do you wear dresses?" I was wearing aubergine cords and a flowery top. I was startled by her question. I didn't mind talking about my being trans - that happened a little bit in other classes. But her question sounded a bit mocking, judgmental. I answered, "Yes, occasionally. I wear whatever any woman wears." I said it calmly without any attitude or tone. She seemed satisfied, perhaps because her comment didn't seem to ruffle my feathers. Later, I thought I could have said, "Do you?" to her question about wearing dresses. But that would have been more confrontational and, perhaps, played into her behavior of picking verbal combats. So I'm glad I didn't. This morning I still remember what she said. It's as if she, in that little exchange, cut me to the core. Am I valid? Am I weird? I don't like those feelings as I'm sure you understand. But, you know, I am using my feelings as an opportunity to take an inventory of me as a woman of transgender experience. It's who I am regardless of whatever anyone says, does, or thinks. Sometimes it feels like a big burden and it is. We all have our burdens, cis, trans, blacks, left-handers,... We're no different, better, or worse than anyone else.

Very delightful article, Monica. In many ways it echoes my own experiences. The fear of rejection has been such a constant in my life from me earliest memories, even in preschool when I wanted to dance like a ballerina or curtsy with the girls. Even now, when I don’t receive a reply to an email or text message, I jump to that conclusion until, as it always does, my assumptions are proven wrong. Rejection seems to be such a common denominator for trans people. Perhaps also for L.G.B. people too?

I tried meds several times over the decades where I was going to therapists for depression but not confessing my "shameful" feelings about my gender. After making a serious suicide attempt about 2.5 years ago my therapist insisted I go see a psychiatrist or he'd have me committed. For the first time (to a psychiatrist) I came clean and we started trying drugs and eventually hit on something that's been remarkably helpful - for me. Here again, speaking only for myself, it was like I had to gain a new mindset about meds and what they do. In years past I'd hoped that the pill would clear the depression and life would go on, depression-free. Of course, that didn't work. I finally (perhaps as a result of finally receiving a drug that was effective for me) discovered that I really did have two things going on: 1) a problem in my brain chemistry that was addressed, thank goodness, and 2) my shame and fear around my gender dysphoria which has also much improved after transitioning, HRT, and living more authentically. It's all so complicated especially for adults like us who've developed coping habits that, to some extent, we also have to undo. I suppose those habits are still with me but I do seem to be getting better, with a happiness and peace that I've never in my life felt before.

My wife used to often make such observations too, as if she was my personal coach. She said that crossing my legs at the knees, fluttering my hands while speaking, standing with hands crossed, so many things, made me appear effeminate and would cause people to think I was weird. It was so painful to hear her since I was simply being myself, often otherwise happy. She’d bring me crashing down to earth. I did defend myself but was too hurt to try to make any part of it humorous.

I wonder if the people who are the nastiest are men, women, or if it’s roughly the same. I suspect it’s men. We all know how men are so afraid of women. In my experience cis women have been very supportive of me. Trans women are too but it’s less clear. On the other hand if women are acting scared or threatened by you then maybe they’re not seeing you for the woman that you are. This is where I think Chrissy is so correct. If you can show a level of confidence (not arrogance!) and female body language (especially walking and standing) I suspect their attitudes will change. Your being you becomes harder to deny. All this is indeed tiring, no doubt about it. Some of it is what all women have to deal with. Some of it is reserved for transgender prejudices. Very hard to tell the difference! Walk, standing straight and proud, not folded over like men. Go ahead and swing your arms but don’t limp your wrist in an affected manner. Dress appropriately for the climate and social scene. Check out what other women are wearing and if you like their style make mental notes to emulate them. Smile! It’s harder to scoff at someone when they’re smiling and happy.

First, my apologies to Mikaylajane for having this conversation on her blog. I'd normally just post on mine or elsewhere but last night I was reeling with emotions so I wrote what I did. I'm still kind of shell-shocked this morning. I have a doctor appt for tomorrow morning and am getting ready now to run out to the Walgreen's for the blood thinner prescription. I'm worried that all this will also stand in the way of my GCS which is scheduled for 1/31. We'll see. Monica: I agree with you and appreciate your support, especially your comment about the photo. Maybe it's time for to me to experience my version of menopause. i guess what I'm most afraid of is that I'll return to feeling the distress between my body and mind which I had for so long before starting HRT. I'm reasonably sure though that I'll be able to stay on spironolactone so maybe that'll be mitigated. Chrissy: Thank you too for your message. Indeed as I was driving home last night I wondered if I could just switch to injections. I raced home to open up a presentation that a local highly-regarded physician sent to me after I met him last month at Gender Odyssey. Maybe, as you said,. alternate delivery might be okay. Unfortunately the way I read this below, the risk is higher for injections. I'm also in excellent health, exercise regularly - all that. But I'm also 62 and maybe that's a factor in DVT risk too.

I don’t want to be a downer but neither of us will ever be a cis female. Of late I’ve been labeling myself a woman of transgender experience, the point being I’m first and most importantly a woman but indeed I have a trans history and will always be trans. Today I drove myself to the emergency room because I suspected deep vein thrombosis in my left calf muscle, which is a known risk for HRT. Unfortunately they confirmed it and it’s likely that tomorrow I’ll be told to discontinue estrogen. I want to cry. I’ve gone through so much to get here — lots more than most cis women — and now I have to downshift from progress. Oh, and the ultrasound technician misgendered me despite the “F” on my chart, my legal name, the clothing I wear, the voice I’ve worked on so hard, my hair, my jewelry. She didn’t mean anything by it. She practically started crying herself when I calmly and privately pointed out her error. In some ways I don’t need to pass. I’m fine with being trans. But in many other ways I get very sad when I’m reminded that I’m not a cis woman. I just want to pack up the tent and retire to a cabin deep in the woods. Even if I did consistently pass I’d always feel a bit on edge, like a secret agent behind enemy lines. So that’s not a solution either. I know these emotions will decay and a couple of days from now I’ll be fine. But still. It’s safe to say that transitioning isn’t a cure-all. It’s better than not, certainly. But we’ll always be trans.

As I was walking to a restaurant near my hotel this evening (I’m in Chicago after enduring another round of massive electrolysis) I came up with: “woman of transgender experience.” After all, that’s what I am I think. History or not, I’m still trans!

As I near my fourth anniversary on TG Guide I'm feeling a bit reflective. So much water under the bridge! Back then I was on pins and needles posting here as I worried about what I said (or didn't say), what my future might be. I guess I'm getting ahead of myself; I do wish to write another entry when we're closer to the anniversary itself. I've read a lot about labels and how much many people don't like them. If I was non binary I'd certainly understand. I think it would be so hard to walk in their shoes. I talked to a friend a couple of months ago. She's also trans, an MTF woman. She's adamant that she's a woman, nothing more, nothing less. Of course, I was and am perfectly fine with that. But it didn't fit for me. At the time I had been telling myself and anyone who'd listen that I was a transgender woman. In some ways I didn't feel I deserved to be labeled 'woman' without that qualifier and, regardless, I don't share cis women's experience of girlhood, puberty, and all the rest. And, as much as it is at times hard to bear, my face and voice are less identifiably feminine than I'd prefer. But they are what they are and in some ways I'm proud to let my "freak flag fly" as we used to feel back in the early 70s when our hair was long and we felt a solidarity in that. Not that I'm in any way a freak today; it's just that I'm less and less caring about how other people perceive me. Obviously I don't like being misgendered (it happened just this morning at my hotel breakfast in the dining room). I corrected her and we moved on. Hopefully she learned something. When I talked to my therapist some weeks ago about this they (my therapist, Shannon, is non binary and they/them are their pronouns) they said that we needed to work on my capitalizing woman within my label as in "transgender Woman," to emphasize that I'm a woman first, transgender second. I didn't know how to do that and neither did they. As some know here I've been socializing with several lesbian women over the last few months at dinners, hiking, backpacking, etc., and I've asked them: "when you think or talk to me do you have to remind or monitor yourself to use feminine pronouns?" No, they all said. As far as they are concerned I'm a woman through and through. Cool. Of late I've been trying on a new label that I came up with. It's a bit wordier than I'd like but here it is: "woman with a transgender history." It is a bit longer than I'd like but I'm not sure how to shorten it without losing its meaning: I'm a woman, that's for sure, but I also have a transgender history, and that's for sure too. In a way my label follows "people of color" in that they are "people" first, and "of color" second, which indeed they are. It's like a lightbulb has lit up in my head why many of them prefer that label instead of "black" or other labels. Maybe as time and experience progresses I'll drop the last part but in the meantime "woman with a transgender history" feels right to me. I rather like it! P.S. I'd also like to make another point. It's nice that Facebook and others have added new gender labels such as "transgender male," "transgender female," etc. I feel that they should also update their traditional labels to "cisgender male," and "cisgender female" which would, I think, force their cis membership to learn and consider something: that they are cis and that, as opposed to their trans counterparts, have their inner gender identity in line with their bodies. Lucky them, I guess, but despite the trials and tribulations of being trans I much prefer my current existence to being a cis male!