Emma

Hey Ren, Yeah, I like that name too. It's less formal than Warren, but thats a cool name if you prefer. It's your choice, like I know guys that go by David or Robert, instead of Dave or Rob or Bob. Anyway, you've always been Warren for me... I'd like to start on the positive. How about work, huh? Look what you have done! I hope you have some pride in that. You deserve it. I hope also that you feel as special as you are when you hear your masculine name called. And, total kudos to your BF and you. It says a hell of a lot about he feels for you. He's a good guy or at least is trying to be. I hope you and him can hunker down and cheer each other on, be partners and best friends. It's so important to have a relationship like this. I love hearing about you and him. Okay, now the more difficult: family. Let's face it, we all bring a heck of a lot of emotional baggage and history, and our families want us to be a certain way, mostly so they can feel good about themselves. It's your life, Ren. I know it hurts a lot to not feel their love and support, and I am sorry about that. But: you be Warren. By being Warren, showing them that you're a kind, caring, and strong man, they will either come around... or they won't. You cannot control them. Consider the serenity prayer: change what you can and work on the wisdom to identify and let go of what you can't. It is hard, I am not kidding. But it is the path, maybe the only path. Also, try to enjoy the moment. Screw what went wrong in the past and worries about the future. What matters is what is in front of you now. Go give your BF a big hug and a kiss. I'll bet he needs it too. Hugs, Emma

Dear Warren, Yes, you're Warren to me but I like RenRen too. You most definitely have my and I'm sure our support here. You can take that to the bank as an old TV show character used to say. Please keep writing, airing your thoughts, and I hope we can help by providing feedback and listening, I mean that. I'll write more later, Emma

I suggest that you Google for Brynn Tannehill's wonderful speech that she gave last fall to (I can't recall the exact group) a transgender conference. Also, Lynn Conway, who has an excellent website that provides a lot of detail on her transition and past. She's a very well recognized engineer and leader of the development of VLSI chip technology.

Hi Karen, As I wrote in today's blog post I showed the chart to the therapist with my areas of congruence highlighted. She immediately recognized it as coming from Harry Benjamin's classic "The Transsexual Phenomenon." I had already provided her with fairly detailed email descriptions of me and what I'm going through as well as having attending her support group twice, so she already has a good idea of where I'm coming from. That said, I felt that the highlighted chart provides a helpful communications "yardstick" and confirmed what I'd told her. So it was all good, thank you. Emma

I met privately for an hour yesterday with a therapist who has forty years experience working with gender dysphoric clients; she runs the monthly TG Support group I've been attending. She was wonderful, knowledgeable, and so resourceful. I feel very fortunate for being able to meet with her and felt others here might appreciate my sharing some of the details (that I can recall!) of our meeting. I broke up the points into three sections to make it a little more readable. There is no particular order within each section. General Information There is a biological based theory of gender dysphoria that has had some confirmation with animal testing. It goes like this: there are pulses of hormones in the womb that occur in the second trimester (after sexual organs are defined in the first half of pregnancy) whose timing, intensities and/or durations create the fetus's gender identity in its brain. If those signals are distorted for whatever reason gender dysphoria may result. At this time there is no way to measure these pulses or otherwise test the theory on humans. She felt that this theory seems especially applicable to me, as my mother had many psychological issues of her own (in and out of mental hospitals, major psychiatric medications), eventually ending her life by suicide. Additionally, that I adopted her shame as my own through association. Thus my theory that I developed my gender issue because of envy of girls may be more of a result of a biologically-induced gender issue than its cause. And, inasmuch as it's biologically programmed, there's no "undoing" it; it's an integral part of who I am. It’s quite common for men to feel intense shame about these feelings and find themselves unable to ignore them in mid-life as they more fully grasp that their life is unsettled and/or incomplete and they have limited time to address/explore their gender issues. She doesn’t like to use labels and says that the terms “transgender” and “transsexual” may be going out of favor due the baggage that anything “trans” may carry. She prefers to use “gender concern.” Some men find that while they don’t need to or cannot live dressed as a female (at home, work, or both) that they must wear some female clothing underneath their male clothing or otherwise not be able to remain focused on their work. Examples include: panties, bra, stockings, camisole, etc. Or, they may dress at night and then drive around in their car. Men with a gender issue often experience intense erotic feelings with feminine clothing when younger (teenage) that with time tends to decrease. She had told me previously that contrary to earlier belief that the number of cisgender males and cisgender females having gender issues is heavily weighted toward males, she strongly believes that the ratio of males/females who have gender issues is identical. That said, she acknowledged that women (at least in the US) have much greater latitude of socially acceptable dressing and thus may be able to contend with their masculine desires (such as wearing masculine clothing) without attracting undo attention. I pointed out that a source of uncertainty and frustration for me was that it seems that one's “transgender diagnosis” and location under the umbrella is largely self-determined and that all a therapist like her can do is mentor, consult, provide guidance and so forth. She agreed completely; she cannot tell anyone exactly what’s going on for them nor can she predict the future of where they will end up. Given all of the above I think the intensity of my feelings, need to be accepted for who I am, and emotional reactions to feeling rejected (real or imagined) are very understandable. Specific to Me My struggle with verbally explaining or describing my inner feelings is very understandable; she didn’t have suggestions of other words I might use. (I had thought she might have words that she’d heard from other clients.) She confirmed that my description of being more “emotional” and “sensitive” than a more typical male made sense to her. I described that when I dress in the clothing that I have (e.g., a dress, nightgown, leotard, tights, panties, bra) that it “just feels good” (like when my skirt brushes across my legs when walking) and that I simply go about my otherwise normal existence at home, working at my desk, dealing with our pets, etc. She said this is entirely consistent with her experience. I told her that although the outcome of make-up is appealing the thought of applying it, going through all that, is not. She said let’s face it, most women don’t particularly like doing it either, and women have varying styles. For example, she had a transwoman visit from Las Vegas, wearing alluring clothing and high heels that were appropriate for there but quite unusual for Palo Alto. Likewise, a transwoman from Idaho came wearing a plaid shirt, jeans, and work boots – “right off the farm.” Appropriate for Idaho but equally unusual for Palo Alto! I told her that I don’t have dysphoria with my body; I’ve never felt compelled to chop off my penis for example. Here again, she said that physical dysphoria is also largely a myth; surgery is more for alignment with one’s inherent gender than with revulsion of ones cisgender sexual characteristics. I had printed out the “Sex Orientation Scale” that Karen posted on her blog and highlighted the characteristics that feel most in alignment with me. She immediately recognized the chart from Harry Benjamin’s book “The Transsexual Phenomenon” and showed it to me. All of my highlights are in the in Group 1 “Transvestite” and mostly in the Type I and Type II columns. BTW: she feels that many of Benjamin’s observations and so forth are still valid today, except for the language and terminology. Prior to my current therapist I’d partially come out to two others whom I told that I occasionally crossdressed. They both told me that in and of itself it’s no big deal (sorry, that phrase again). This therapist agreed 100%. And in fact, here’s what’s kind of weird: when I dress at home, like just wearing a dress and underwear, it feels “right,” “good,” but not much more than that. I like it. But when I return (as I must) to Levi’s and a T-shirt, that’s no big deal either. Here again, she said that this is what it is: all very common. It feels good to be dressed at least occasionally (and however partially) as a woman for people like me. Hard (impossible?) to explain: it just does. And to reuse a very tired phrase, if it is what it is, and it seems to be, it really it is what it is. It’s perfectly okay. I’m okay, you’re okay. How about that. Regarding My Wife/Marriage I need to recognize and appreciate that my wife has only become more fully aware of this in the past 2-3 months and that is a very short time; I need to be patient and allow her to come to terms with her own and very valid fears and anxieties. Contrary to an assumption my wife had, I don’t pose/prance in front of the mirror when dressed, admiring myself. In fact, I prefer not to see myself at all although it’s not particularly bothersome if I do. Again, quite a common experience. With my engineer’s mentality I tend to perform thorough analysis, prepare reports, and anticipate that the recipients will appreciate my being so forthcoming and transparent. But as I saw with my wife when I enthusiastically gave her a report a couple of months ago, this was simply too much information too fast. Again, a common enough occurrence. Conclusions: Wow. P.S. For those interested, the therapist’s name is: Judy Van Maasdam, and she can be reached at: jvanmaasdam@gmail.com. Her office is in Palo Alto, California. She gave me permission to publish her name and suggested that those interested email her; you/she can follow up later via the phone as needed.

Hello Eve, Congratulations on your new passport! If I was you I would want to use it right away. That would be so much fun to see that the border guard would just glance at it the way they do, and wave you through. Yes, you're most definitely a Transwoman now although you were one before of course. Yes, we do have violence here in the US against all sorts of people. I don't know if it is more or less than in the UK but my intuition says it's about the same. One thing I'm rather sure of is that the "news" reports are typically negative. At least here, it seems like most news stories are about problems, complaints, crime. Otherwise it's not so interesting. And I suspect that the particularly heinous stories are the ones that make it into the press over in Europe and elsewhere. Of course we do have laws against hate crimes such as battering someone because they are gay, trans, black, etc. and those crimes are prosecuted. We all agree that the violence toward trans people is especially scary. Clearly for some people seeing a trans person raises some weird emotion in them. You also read about problems with sheriffs. Sure, some are jerks, corrupt, or worse. But 99.9% are excellent and here again we mostly hear about the bad ones. And generally as their badness becomes public they lose their jobs and sometimes have to go to jail themselves. Hope this helps! Emma

In this day and age, and our locale here on the West Coast, I'm not too surprised that you've not lost friends, although I can certainly imagine your wondering how this will turn out. I think this response is also testimony to you: people like you and want to be friends with you because of how much they appreciate you as the "whole person" regardless of your gender.

Update: tomorrow I have a private meeting with the therapist who runs the TG Support group I've been attending. She has over 40 years experience with transgender people; I'm very fortunate to have found her and that she's available within about five miles of my home. I've printed out a copy of the table you posted and highlighted the items that are most in agreement with what I am/feel/do to provide her with a quick way to get a more broad sense of what's going on for me.

I'd like to add some thoughts but I'd first like to acknowledge that I know you intend for this chart to be helpful and informative. Perhaps it is for those who qualify for the Group 2 and Group 3 classifications. And perhaps too it helps me to see that I am within Group 1. That said, I find myself feeling kind of hurt when I read that one is "true" or not within the confines of those boxes. Maybe it's silly to be feel that way but I do. I don't see myself fully described within any of the columns under Group 1. This doesn't mean I am not "true" anything. I am valid in and of myself. In my career I have often created such charts for marketing, engineering, and customer classifications, to help understanding and management. So I understand that this chart is valuable to therapists and others new or interested in transgender people. At least it gives them a framework to start developing an understanding. But it is the only the tip of the iceberg and I think it's important for future readers to understand that.

Hello Michelle, I'm sorry to hear of your birthdays but I'm glad you wrote about it here. As Michael (an Admin here, "UsernameOptional") advises: pound your keyboard, keep writing, maybe that will help relieve some of your pain. And by the way, it's not pity, not whining. The pain is real and it is valid. I hope we hear more from you. Hugs, Emma

I feel the same way as Eve and Karen and I also empathize with Kristi. Men are an interesting breed, aren't they? I would also be a Lesbian but would love to have a man hold the door for me or help me with my chair. That must be a wonderful feeling. Kristi, you're smart to be careful. Take small steps with dating, trust your instincts. Perhaps you should adopt a rule my wife had when we were dating. No sex before ten dates! By then we both knew we were on to something special. :-) Emma

Oh Eve, thank you. :-) Hugs, Emma

Hi Eve, Congratulations on your new passport! My, that must be thrilling. What an achievement and important milestone. I'm happy to hear that you (and others here) feel an emotional connection to this post. I was a bit anxious to write it and to click the publish button. I think your thoughts now are like those any of us feel when we cross a threshold. Like graduation, we wonder and fret (at least a bit) about what the future will bring. Remember what got you here, what led you to your achievement. And continue your wonderful journey. I'm excited for you! Emma

Dear Rae, I agree with Kristi, your confusion, dismay, and worries are all very familiar. I don't mean to minimize but to let you know that you're far from alone. I am glad to have met you here, to read your writings, and hope to read much more from you. I also agree that counseling can be very helpful. That said, it was and is hard at times for me and maybe like you to open up about what's really happening below the surface. Please try to be as open and vulnerable as you can. Therapists are here trying to help us. Some are better than others, and we connect with some better than others too. But until we open our heart we cannot really know. I wish you the very best, Rae, I mean that. Hugs, Emma

Hi Eve, Good to hear your update, writing articles, out and about with your wife (and more Schrodinger's Passes!), and thank you for posting the links to the video and the TG process in the UK. In my opinion the "bad language" is quite minimal and the overall document has a lot of value. It always helps me to hear about other's experiences and to recognize that we're part of a community of wonderful people. Hugs, Emma

Good for you, Karen! I'll bet you're feeling very good; you deserve all of those feelings. We all wish you the very best.

Dear Karen, Thank you for your kind words, and I agree with you one hundred percent about TG Guide. Before finding TGG I found other sites that just didn't do it for me. I really love the diversity we have here, with MTF and FTM people, and all colors of the transgender rainbow. I'm so thankful and like you, honored to be a part of it. Hugs, Emma

In my past career when we said that we were “falling on my sword” we meant that – typically in front of a customer – we were admitting that our company or product was at fault. We were being transparent, vulnerable, admitting we were in the wrong and hopefully the customer would thus react with less drama and instead collaborate on working around or developing a solution to the problem. This blog post feels like that to me, thus its title. Of late I’ve been reading “Crossdressing With Dignity: The Case for Transcending Gender Lines” by Dr. Peggy Rudd, who previously wrote “My Husband Wears My Clothes.” She is a psychologist who happens to have a transgender husband, and because of this developed a personal and professional understanding of what it means to be transgender for the individual and for the family. The basis for the book is that crossdresser/transgender people are not wrong or bad although society may cast them in this light. Perhaps worse, these transwomen tend to be their own worst critic because of internalized shame, guilt, and fear. Carrying that load is sensed by others around us and often reflected back, confirming those cruel assumptions and beliefs. I’ve sensed this off and on throughout my life. I know that I am too dependent on external feedback and opinions. Who cares what they think! I’m my own person, right? And I can stand on my own feet. Oh yeah, sure. At times like this I find that easy to say and darned hard to believe. Below are some quotes from the book and some corresponding thoughts. Perhaps through this I (and you?) will make some progress. “In our society men are taught from an early age that they must never be like girls. Because of the awareness or knowledge, you may fail to accept crossdressing as a part of your personality. There is that subconscious rule that says you are doing something wrong.” – Roger Peo, PhD. I think I was happiest before around age 4 or 5 before I realized that part of the way I was, how I liked to play, was sissy and wrong. I was often reminded of this by neighborhood boys whom I desperately wanted to be friends with but who seemed to delight in tearing me apart with their ridicule. “The search for normalcy is a very strong motivator. Each person wants to find love, and sometimes they are willing to absorb guilt rather than lose love.” I’ve always longed for normalcy, wondered why I wasn’t, and am often hyperaware of how I believe others think of me. And indeed, closeting my shame and feelings from my wife, friends, and associates to protect what feels like such tenuous love and caring. “The guilt related to the erotic nature of crossdressing is a major concern for many.” Guilt and shame, not only from within and from my wife, but also worried that it will rain down on me from the transgender community as it seems that the fetish aspect of crossdressing is one of the shameful secrets that we don’t talk about. So here’s a major hara-kiri (seppuku) confession: I do have some fantasy and erotic feelings about crossdressing. Whatcha think about that? Not always, but it can be pretty thrilling. “Progress always involves risks. You can’t steal second base and keep your foot on first.” – Frederick Wilcox Okay, that saying makes sense of course. It’s easy to say as it kind of rolls off the tongue, doesn’t it? And yeah, I have come out to my wife over the past few months and to this day I don’t know if I did the right thing. You call that progress? Okay, enough of the downers. Here’s a couple of quotes showing what we’re aiming for: “When you can think of yesterday without regret, and tomorrow without fear, you have found true dignity.” “The key to having a rich and full life is self-acceptance, a virtue found only within.” So, how to get there? Dr. Rudd includes lists of steps from a variety of people who responded to her research questionnaire. Here’s one that I liked. Remember to have a sense of humor. Learn to be in touch with whom you are. Start believing you have the freedom to express the total personality. Share your guilt and fears with someone you trust. Be a good listener when other people share their feelings with you. Remember there are other people out there with similar problems. I think I need to have these tattooed on my arms for handy reference. Be well, Emma

Dear Lisa, Of course, you have not "put a lot" on me or anyone here. I felt what you wrote is very reasonable and understandable. I feel like I'm also new to this but here's my opinion. "Understanding" our trans-gender (intentional hyphen) is very personal. There is no objective test that I'm aware of. For whatever reason and that may not really matter, we don't feel "right." With the right therapists and support such as here and in groups we can explore ourselves further and figure it out. The unfortunate truth is that at bottom we have to be the ones to make our choices, such as where we are or need to be under the TG umbrella, living full or part time as a Transwoman, transition or not, etc. So, I think it's terrific that you had this epiphany. As hard as I know it can be to wrestle with these emotions and anxieties I am not sure there is another way. Maybe that's the bad news, if you will. The good news is that you have this awareness. You have reached out here and elsewhere. You are exploring yourself. You are courageously figuring out who you are. There is no wrong answer! That is a truth and a beauty that I think we must hold on to. However and wherever you go is perfect. I often wish I'd been born a girl and I still wish that. That said, though, I was not, and for me I'm thinking these days (and I may change!) that that's okay. If I can learn to be and accept myself for who I am, and depend less on what others think of me, maybe I'll be fine just the way I am. I do like pretty things and I know I'm much more emotional and feeling that stereotypical men. But that makes me, me. I'm not sure I made much sense here, but I hope so. Of courselves your journey may be much different than mine. I just wanted to show you that you are not alone. Be well, Lisa, and keep writing. Hugs, Emma

Your mother is very wise, and you are too to follow in her footsteps. I agree with you both: try to stay kind, patient, and forgiving. The opposite doesn't work! It never does.

Rules, laws, and regulations help but change only happens what the populace redefines its understanding of "right" and "wrong." In the US for example, we have laws banning discrimination on the basis of all sorts of things such as age, race, ethnicity, etc. Also laws prohibiting "insider trading" on the stock market. But proving that a violation occurred is all but impossible or impractical. I think it's terrific that you have the temerity to give your presentation and participate in public forums... raise awareness of how discrimination hurts real people who play valuable roles in our society. That takes courage on your part and you're to be commended.

Hey Pamela, What fun! I'm envious and I'm sure you all had a wonderful and interesting time. I very much wish I could attend such an event with my wife. Happy Valentine's, Emma

Hey Warren, You are the one, adorable, admirable, wonderful... Goodness, I am so happy to read your post tonight. Yeah, we will all have our ups and downs. But shoot, enjoy the ups, like you are! I don't know what else I can say. I like you and am so happy that you're part of our little community here. Hugs, hugs, hugs... Emma

Hi Jenny, Good for you! Are you pretty confident that he will maintain your confidence, or how much chance is there that he will tell others, such as your parents or anyone else? Hugs, Emma

Hey Warren, You know, man, we're your supporters. Stay hopeful, stay strong. I know you can. You're showing your wisdom and strength. I always love hearing from you. Hugs, Emma