eveannessant

Recently for me, there seems to be new ways of looking at things, from a very much different place than was previously the case. After reading Karen Paynes recent entry "Haloween" where she looked back a year or so ago, it sparked my thoughts about the past, dressing and early transition. I thought about those who, like I did, like to wear female clothes around the house, wearing skirts and dresses, or leggings and tops, with outrageously high heeled shoes. This was part of my earliest practical phases of transition. And today without thinking about it too much, I just seemed to automatically visualise young kids dressing up in mommy's clothes and shoes, as small children often do, especially small girls. So what? Well it seems to me that I was doing the same exact thing a while back (maybe not with my mothers stuff though!), looking back from my present vantage point I can see that I was practising for what was to come in my life, it was part of growing up as a transwoman. Now, at the start of my escaping "the closet" 4 years ago, I had realised that I had to go through female puberty, and as such I had thought only in terms of physical changes and social changes and challenges. I can now see that the early private dressing in the "closet" was pre-puberty. I have always and honestly stated that I didn't feel as if I was "born in the wrong body", but that only when I look back I can see that there were signs that I was "not right" as a male, and whether or not it's the hormonal changes that I am going through, I am unsure, but it amazes me how much of my past that I can now see, and especially the sense I can now make of my past. I did used to get vague feelings as a male of what it might be to be female, but they'd soon disappear and I just thought of it being idle curiosity, and my "closet" cross dressing as a fetish. On the other hand, perhaps my past problem was to ignore vague feelings that I didn't have some form of proof for, is this called a lack of self-belief? Whatever, I'm now happy to be on my voyage of joyful discovery............ Cheers, Eve

Well in the UK an NHS Prescription is £8.05 per item so if I needed two items such as oestrogen and spiralactone it's £16.10. Good news is that we can have a pre-payment card for £104 per year so it brings the costs right down. If I could get a private prescription oestrogen is around £3 for a months supply, however GP's often charge for private prescriptions, so we get caught whichever way we go. So did you have to pay the doctor for the prescription Karen? Is a baby aspirin easier to swallow than an adult aspirin.......LoL Anyway humour aside, having the NHS in the UK is not always the free ride that others might think. Cheers, Eve

Lisa, thanks for your comments, yes you're right about self medding, but then I've always been my own person, and done things my own way...........Funny but I too started with supplements and found Pueraria Mirifica to have started my boobs off, but I've posted all this stuff in earlier blogs. I didn't think that it was a waste of money, because I could legally get the stuff, then I found a way of getting the real stuff, and then results were a lot stronger and faster. I was lucky in that I told my GP about my self medding, and she then offered to prescribe for me, before referral to CHX GIC. When I post about my past self medding I am not advertising that it's a great idea for one and all to follow, in fact I posted that I started oestrogen "way before any sane person would have advised anybody to".

I'd always wanted a pair of nice boobs for as long as I could remember, I used to imagine what it'd be like to have boobs, what it'd feel like with my nipples placed out much further from my ribs than they used to be. Then when I came out as transvestite, dressing part-time, I used to long to be more feminine, and that really started me off with hormones, way before any sane person would have advised anybody to, so yes I self medded. I wanted as much feminisation as possible, to enable me to "pass" and act as a female, so that I could convincingly wear tight skirts, leggings, make-up, tight tops, and wait a minute isn't this sounding what a man's idea of what a woman is? It was mine. Point is that I knew that HRT would feminise me, that I'd grow boobs if I was lucky, that I'd loose upper body strength (I didn't realise just how much I'd lose though!), my facial features would soften, and that weight re-distribution would happen. This has happened, and over the last 14 months or so my tastes in female clothing have also changed, they started to become much more what a real woman would wear, same is true for make-up too. It's gradually started to dawn on me after all this time, that I'm becoming a woman, not just a more feminine version of the previous me, as I had previously been thinking of. HRT for trans women is not just about Hormone Replacement Therapy, I'd been taking oestrogen for 18 months or so before I became a patient of Charing Cross Gender Identity Clinic, and during that time I had developed as a more feminine male - the more feminine version of the previous me. HRT for trans women is as much about Hormone Removal Therapy, taking away testosterone has in my opinion, been responsible for my becoming a woman - not sure if there's still a way to go yet, I can only hope so. So it was a bit of a revelation to realise that I'm becoming a woman, but one that I wouldn't want to miss for the world. Maybe those in our community who have known from birth that they were born in the wrong body may already know that they are a woman, but there are many like me who did not posess those feelings or have that knowledge. So to those who are treading, or contemplating treading a similar HRT path, beware that you'll become a woman not just a feminine version of yourself. Cheers, Eve

Well you do seem to keep on having fun Karen, you know it's true what people say about the grass looking greener on the other side of the fence, I sort of know that I'll never have the sort of fun that you have had since your GRS, being married and not wanting to cheat on my wife, who has stuck with me through my journey to becoming a woman, when my GRS happens all I can look forward to afterwards are sex toys. But intelligent conversation, companionship, life sharing, it's all there for me in bucket loads, so it seems to me that we're on opposite sides of the fence, wanting what we don't have. Oh yeah, when any relationship is new any couple are at it like hammer and tongues, having been married twice, and having had numerous girlfriends before that, I know that the activity at the begining of relationships does not last forever. But as much as I would love a little more spice in my life, I realise that it's the other life sharing aspects of a relationship that are so important, because they last forever and get better as time passes...................., so as much as you enjoy 8", don't rule out the other two possibilities. Cheers, Eve

So glad that you're so happy Christie, I knew from early on in your entries in this site that you'd get to where you need to be. I also have been very thin with my entries, it's due to life getting in the way ! xoxo Eve

I feel sorry that your Mother has given you a cld "medical" shoulder, is she a doctor or a psychiatist ? It sounds as if she's in denial and possibly has some sense of guilt, does she feel that she is in any way responsible for your dysphoria? It's good that your father has shown that he is so open minded after coming to terms with the situation, maybe he'll be able to change your mothers mind.............. Be who you really are, anything less is self denial. Best wishes for a happy future, Eve

Dear Gender Fiasco, I used false breasts and then when my boobs started to grow large enough I used chicken fillets to supplement them. Try wearing stuff that doesn't attract too much attention, you don't want to get noticed when you are starting out on your journey, later on if you decide that you want HRT and you start developing a more feminine shape you can start to wear the more attractive styles of clothing. If you use a full cup pre-formed bra without seams, you can stuff it with whatever you want, however be sure not wear low cut tops. Cheers, Eve

Following on from my previous entry whilst on holiday, we had a day out in southern Belgium, now most towns in the Ardennes have a castle, a church, a river, and a WW2 Tank (normally a US Sherman, although Houfalize has a German Panther but no castle!). La Roche en Ardenne must be a more important town than most as it has two tanks - a British Achilles Mk10 tank destroyer and a US Sherman, it's where UK and US forces met when pushing back the Germans during the Battle of the Bulge. But an even more important sign of the towns importance was the Bunting along the main street, it was made up entirely of bras, there was also a display on the town hall too. After walking around the town, we had a meal in an Ardennais restaurant, well if we have gone all that way, we want to sample the local food, rather than international food. We had Civet de Marcassin which is wild boar stew, and if you've never tasted wild boar and you like meat generally, you've missed out! Anyway photo's are of the bra bunting, I was amazed at it...............& of the WW2 reminders. Cheers, Eve

Maybe it's an OSX Mavericks, safari thing......

So the thoughts and feelings when sleep is difficult seem to happen whichever set of plumbing one is equipped with.

Karen, I searched twice on the page from your link but couldn't find your story............. Eve

It scares the hell out of me when men stare or compliment in general, unless I know them, however I must agree with you both that it does feel nice afterwards............However, I am getting remarks about my bum (Butt if you prefer!) from other women, and to think that I thought I needed to cover it up because I thought it was too narrow, not having female hips...................wtf, it's nice being complimented. Cheers Eve

I've been sooo busy just recently, preparing for hols and also cramming in work, then going on Holiday to Luxembourg via the Channel Tunnel with our Land Rover and Caravan, stopping overnight in Northern France then driving through Belgium to Esch sur Sure where we spent just under two weeks. When we got back I had to attend a Charing Cross GIC appointment yesterday after catching up with two weeks worth of work e-mails, and then today again busy all day at work...............it's a hard life ! So Esch sur Sure, we pitched up the caravan and went out most days to other parts of the Ardennes including Germany and Southern Belgium which I think I'll cover with subsequent entries. The little village of Esch is situated on the River Sure which is a tributary of the Mosel (or Moselle en Francais), it also forms a large part of the border betweeen Germany and Luxembourg a bit further downstream. It's a in a lovely setting inside a loop of the river at the bottom (well aren't all rivers??) of a deep and steep gorge like valley, see the photo's and I hope videos if they can be attached? It rained a hell of a lot but it didn't spoil the holiday, we went out walking along the river and through the woods on the valley sides on days when we didn't go out farther afield via the Land Rover. Cheers for now, Eve IMG_1400.m4v IMG_1399.m4v

Hiya Christie, So glad things are going so very well for you, as I recall it's an interesting and exciting time at the start of Real Life Experience. You might want to consider hanging on to a few of your old male clothes such as tee shirts, sweat shirts, jeans and trainers and generally non gender specific stuff, for times when you have to do practical things such as decorating, cleaning the house and DIY jobs etc. Cheers, Eve

Steph, it's an old (well aren't all steam loco's?) Great Western Railway frieght loco. For those of you who are into railways it's a 2-8-0 2800 class designed by G.J. Churchwood first example of which appeared in 1903, production of the class continued sporadically until 1919. However the rake of carriages it's pulling are London Midland and Scottish Railway coaches from the 1930's. The train is heading south towards Bewdley and Kidderminster, and is crossing the Victoria Bridge across the River Severn. Hell, I've now shown that I'm an anorak ! Eve x

I've been a mix of stuck and lazy recently......stuck for something inspiring to post here and too lazy to push myself.............to enter much. Trouble is that life as Eve is so normal now, I just don't think beforehand about doing things and worrying if I pass or not. I just get on with it, of course you never know if you pass or not, no trans girl is 100% sure, if you ask you most definately won't pass! we refer to this as Schrödinger's pass! I don't need him or his pass anymore! However I've been out and about recently in the great (hey it's small in the UK!) outdoors, with my friend Sharon cycling in the Forest of Dean in Gloucestershire, near the Welsh border, a couple of weeks ago, and got plastered in mud from my mountain bike. And last weekend we went back to the lovely Severn Valley at Bewdley and walked up along the river further than previously to Highley. This is two stations further up the preserved steam railway, we stopped for a pint of cider again, at Arley halfway along our walk, and by the time we got to Highley my right knee was killing me (hardly any cartilage left on it, caused by a Norton Commando kick start in my youth). We were very thankful for the return journey by train. This weekend i'm off with my partner Maybelle (that's what we decided our ex husband and wife terminology would become) to Luxembourg on our holidays, with our caravan and some freinds from my previous existance. Oh I 'spose that I should tell of Gossard undies, their superboost bras really grab boobs and push up and together, with matching thongs of course in a smallish size to enable tucking (that begins with a T) I just bought 3 sets ready for my hols...................... Cheers, Eve x .

Hey good luck ! hope that you get a best friend, they're worth their weight in gold, but as I have found out, many are callen, but few are chosen. Those true friends are a very dear comodity, there are are plenty who do not put in any effort to freindship and cannot be relied upon, so look after your true friends..................

Hi Bianca, Nice piccy, I'm in the UK, most other bloggers are in the US with a few from Canada, and as far as I'm aware 1 more each from South Africa and the UK. Well, we pretty much share the same or similar time of day. Hope you stick around, and enjoy your journey wherever it takes you............. A supportive wife is worth their weight in gold, mine has now become my partner since I transitioned. Cheers, Eve

Hi Kourtney, or is it Bianca? welcome to our site. Glad you have had fun, and I envy you your voice! Where abouts in the world are you? Cheers, Eve

Well congratulations Christie, however I think your employers must have studied British methods of taking advantage of employees, I do hope that you get paid what you're worth. The tone of your two comments suggests that you've started to think a little more positively now. It's surprising how a lack of sleep can give rise to such negative thoughts and emptiness at the same time.................. I hope that you sleep well tonight, Eve oxo

Yeah, I've borrowed a line from Grouch Marx, "I've been sleeping my insomnia off".....................mine is often caused by too much red wine ! & so it's self inflicted and I don't look for any sympathy whatsoever. With regard to "vast empty wasteland", I think that you're wrong, your big moment in life has arrived,, you've had the courage to do something about it, leapt over the first few hurdles, and now your wondering if it's any better than the previous you, have you wasted your time doing this, time was wasted anyway, well I had serious doubts too about my own transition. If you stop to think about it, you've spent most of your life as society has demanded of you as a male, if I have understood anything about you from your blog entries, you weren't ever happy with that state of affairs?. Well you won't be able to instantly delete those thoughts, because you've been mentally conditioned to them by society at large (fitting in with the rest of the flock? so think of most of society as sheep!). You just can't instantly be a new you, but just as teenagers grow up, one day your great as the new you and the next day not so great as the old you............. I have entered in my earlier blogs and comments to others that I also had serious doubts at times about my transition, I said that it was like the ebbing and flooding of the tide, and yes, when I had insomnia (not always caused by red wine!) that was when those thoughts used to haunt me, a lot of the time as "what the bloody hell do you think you're doing, you're a bloke for f**ks sake, why do you think it'll be any better as a woman?". Those thoughts were intense and very haunting, but as time passed by, they got less and less like the tide only happened every two or three weeks or so. Yes, when changing identity your mind is full of what you're doing and so it doesn't wander (or should I say wonder?) to the old thoughts. My advice is, to accept that you're doing the correct thing, see a therapist or cousellor, or whatever you do in the US, if that helps you to think it through, but anyway, the negative thoughts will eventually pass. I guess it's when your mind gets used to your new identity, and at that same time, you will find that you're just doing things unthinkingly as yourself. How can I illustrate that further? perhaps like this, I don't worry about passing, I don't think how would a woman do it, I don't think of myself as as female or male or gender neutral, I just think of myself as me - Eve. It has taken time to get this happy state of affairs. I've heard many trans folk talk lightly of going through adolescence, they shouild have been much more serious about the subject, it's a very real issue. I hope that these comments help you, during your adolescent period. Eve xoxo

Yes, I had a relatively bumpy stretch of path when I got all my doc's changed, but I just persevered............hope yours is smoothr than mine was..........

Well, seeing as there are only two types of men, those who masturbate and those who lie, I have to admit to having been an honest man, when I was such a being! Now seeing that in my case m to f transistion wasn't instantaneous (who's is?) my former honest habits stayed with me for quite a while! But my orgasms got less and less fluid as transition progressed, this during the period when I was solely taking oestrogen. As soon as Decapeptyl injections started they soon became dryer and dryer within a few weeks they were totally dry and have been ever since. Yes I needed some sort of stimulation otherwise I wasn't at all interested. However, I do have an overwhelming desire to find out if chocolate is indeed better than sex, as so many females have often claimed................! or are they being dishonest? LoL Eve oxo...........

Yes it's hard work presenting as something that you're not, and life gets so very complicated when you then have 2 identities to try to compensate for not being who you really are and want so much to be............... I'm so glad that things are starting smooth out in your life. However beware of a few bumps in the road that you have chosen to travel, but don't let them knock you off your chosen path. Cheers, Eve