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  1. Hi CTF, and welcome to TGG.

    I was about to toss out a barrage of questions and comments... but the ladies have pretty much covered everything.

    I would add a couple more things for you to consider -  part of your therapist's job is to help you transition into society as the man you identify as.  I would be curious to know how she is being helpful to you, when she herself is not recognizing you as a man.

    It seems to me, based on what you've related, she is just flat ignoring your identity.  I don't know what it means when you say your therapist is a contractural therapist, but I would think there would be some guidelines and ethics she is bound to follow and uphold.

    If your therapist can't start using your preferred pronouns and chosen name... you should definitely find another.  I realize the number of sessions you are allowed is limited, but I would think a limited time with a decent therapist would far out-weigh a full course with one who could potentially be damaging to your self-confidence, self-esteem, and identity by her refusal to respect you.

    -Michael

    3 people like this

  2. Hiya Monica -

    So much great input by two people.  Bree and Emma have said a lot of the things I was thinking and intended to comment on.

    But I gotta add to the "gassy."  Yes, we are all gassy.  As Bree said... it's a by-product of digestion - there's no getting around it.  Well... maybe with a little Gas-X :lol:    But considering we are all four fairly close in age, we each know that such concerns are a result of primarily your mum and other female relatives hammering into your head what nice girls and women do and and don't do.  No doubt one of them made it plainly clear more than once that 'only men do disgusting things like fart.'  This kind of up-bringing applies to and has affected other alleged short-comings a person carries around with them.

    That said... I see a lot of your concerns as a product of the era in which we were raised.  There were so many things that women weren't supposed to speak of, or even think about.  Men weren't supposed to know certain things about women.  Now, one would think that logically, as a lesbian, a woman wouldn't worry about things like being gassy - she's not trying to keep a man from knowing she farts too.  Both of you are in the Women's Secrets Club.  But because so many that were raised during the mid and late 50s thru the early to mid 70s (commonly known as baby boomers) were continually bombarded with all of what society expected of them...these things that were drilled into us are hard to escape.  And it is some of those things that affect our relationships.

    As far as long- or short-term relationships are concerned and natural human imperfections notwithstanding, I dare say that religion, primarily Christianity, has played a big part in villifying short-term relationships - especially for women.

    I think we can probably all think of reasons why someone else would not want us.  And the list of advantages for short-term relationships makes a little sense.  But I don't think that list should be used to draw a line in the sand.  One of those short-terms could end up being a long-term - if you let it.  You never know where that long-termer will come from.  No matter what age you are.

    -Michael

    4 people like this

  3. Thanks ladies for the kind and supportive words.

    Ya know, it's really funny... my mum is so loving.  She loves babies and dogs and they love her.  And she hurts for you when you are [physically] hurting.  You'd never know that she would not accept someone being trans.

    Crazy, eh?

    2 people like this

  4. TG Guide has been my "home away from home" also.  It's very rare that I don't sign in.  And yes, I feel bonds with people here too.  It is comforting to know that I can come here and read posts and makes post knowing that most everyone here understands most everyone else.  There is little judgementalness, and there is always someone with an encouraging word, or a sympathetic word.

    Ooh... and nail polish does not the woman make.  That's in your heart.  The polish is just so much window dressing  ;)

    -Michael

    4 people like this

  5. Thank you ladies.  Loneliness does indeed touch us all at times...but it's a little easier to shoulder when there are people like you all around.  Maybe if I had been here on TG Guide back then, that poem might never have been written.  I've considered TG Guide like a haven online.  I was "sheltered" so to speak by the woman who invited me here from another transgender site.  Over time, she has faded into the background, but not before I learned from her how to moderate.  She doesn't come around so often anymore...in fact, very rarely.  Over time it's people like you all who have filled the void.  As I'm sure you all know, acceptance means nearly everything, and for the most part, I have always felt accepted as the man that life outside of this forum doesn't even know exists.

    "Never had I seen such a touching poem about loneliness by a man!"  -Monica
    LOL... I guess it doesn't matter if a guy is transgender or cisgender, too many of us have a tendancy to keep things bottled up.  I never realized it, but my g/f has addressed this with me on several occasions, and even my own brother has expressed a concern about it.  But I guess every once in a while if the moon and stars are lined up just right, that bottle gets opened up, and all kinds of stuff comes pouring out. 

    Love all of ya's
    - Michael

    5 people like this

  6. I'm not sure how people see me either.  I can only guess based on how they do or don't look (stare) at me.   I think I've mentioned recently that it seems men don't even notice me for the most part.  I dunno if it's because in passing they just see (or think me to be) another guy, or if they see me as a female that's "not much to look at."

    Women, on the other hand, do notice me.  There is an age group that has no problem in just straight up staring at me in a disapproving manner - the look on their faces bordering on disgust.  But every once in a while, there will be a woman cut me a glance that clearly indicates she likes what she sees.  Most often though, that happens when I am in a vehicle... :lol:

    I did try to be like women.  Make-up, jewelry, curls and smells.  Until I just couldn't do it anymore.  I was always nervous.  And of course being nervous made me sweat more than I already did.  After I started wearing men's clothes from shoes to shirts and everything in between outerwear to underwear, I realized that the female trappings are what caused me to always feel nervous - I was uncomfortable, self-conscious, unsure of myself, never felt like I measured up.  I always felt like people could see my vulnerability.  I'm sure that added to making me nervous.  I hated going to salons, and so I too often cut my own hair.  In salons, I felt naked.  I felt like the women around me were able to visually completely strip me of the facade I presented, and then glare at me because they knew I wasn't supposed to be there, and I was invading one of their sacred places of womanhood.

    As for the binder and STP... I have to agree that those two items might cater to the psychological.  I only know that I feel better in a binder and packing.  When not packing, my jeans don't feel like they fit right.  And then of course, that feeling of something missing is distressing.  That feeling is reminiscent of when I tried to dress and act like women do, and because of that, I rarely go out without it even though I'm the only one knows that it's there.

    -Michael

    4 people like this

  7. After I reached a certain age, it occurred to me that I favoured my dad some.  But it was shortly after my dad died that my mother apparently began to realize that things like my hands and feet resemble my dad's, and some of my mannerisms and body language are like his.  I really never noticed that my hands looked like his until I had made a vid to send to my brother.  In the vid, only the item I was talking about and my hands were in the scene.  When I reviewed the vid before sending it to him, I noticed for the first time that my hands, and the way I use them, do indeed look exactly like my dad's hands.  You would think that something like that would not be a surprise since we all see ourselves in mirrors and reflective surfaces all the time - I can't figure what makes the difference, but try it.  Needless to say, it made me very happy to know that I was more like my dad than like my mother or any other female in the family.

    Congrats on the "T"
    -Michael

    2 people like this

  8. Ya know... I can't help but wonder why they are calling your top surgery as a male, cosmetic.  Do they turn down genetic males with gynocomastia, classifying it as cosmetic?  Are genetic males being forced to live with female-like baggage on their chests?  If not, then you might have an argument.   But then... if you have to be female to get even a reduction, why didn't they approve it before?  Or did they not approve it because they had perhaps already gotten wind of it being trans-related?  That thought came to mind some time back when you said you had once again been turned down.

    -Mike

    2 people like this

  9. Ya know... sometimes, I can't help but wonder if the GIC intentionally drags out these initial appointment dates.  For one thing, there is nothing that I'm aware of in the SOC that indicate a person must endure a one or two year RL test BEFORE they can even get on hormones - which from my understanding, that is what will happen once you do get in and get evaluated.  It's almost as if the system there has formulated their own rules intended to make it as difficult as possible for the person, which seem to be about as inhumane and barbaric as the SOC were 50 or so years ago.  The GIC can't be seeing THAT many trans people - after all, we are allegedly such a minority.  And a minuscule one, at that.  And I realize that the SOC are simply intended to be a guideline for care, but I fail to understand why they can't follow those guidelines a little more closely rather than making patients suffer.

    It's disheartening that you had to deal with the insensatively intrusive questionaire, but hopefully going with a private doctor will turn out to be the better of the two evils.  And a quicker route to where you need to be.

    -Michael

    2 people like this

  10. I don't mean to exacerbate the seriousness of this issue, but I think perhaps you should not take it so lightly.

    You said, "... I'm open about my gender and was expecting death threats, not rape threats.  Now that is indicative to me that I'm sexy and they know and want me but are scared of what people around them might say."

    Rape has nothing to do with whether or not a person is sexy - rape victims come in all ages, sizes, colours, rich, poor, pretty, not so pretty, skinny, fat, and any- and everything in between.  Rape is about power.  It is meant to show the victim who has the power, who is in charge.  It is meant to dehumanize and degrade the victim.

    If a male officer had it in mind to rape you, and sees you as a woman, it is to show you that you are less than he is - not that you are sexy.   If he sees you as gay, or as a "man who wants to be a woman," it would more than likely be to show you "what it's like to be a woman" in his sick, and male-entitled mind.

    I would be just as wary of those who spout "sexual threats" as those who might spout threats of other physical harm.  

    -Michael

    3 people like this

  11. I've always liked Behind Blue Eyes.  I don't have blue eyes either, but replace "blue" with "brown" and the song just seems like it was written just for me and my situation.

    4 people like this

  12. I would think that if your g/f felt the need to tell you that she would accept you, and remain with you, perhaps any time that you are ready to tell her would be okay.  But that is just a supposition, and none of us really knows how any person will react when we come out to them.

    I told no one until I was 47.  One of the people I told was my brother.  Chances are, I could have told him MANY years before, as his response to me was, "you never felt like a sister to me."  Turns out that while he had no name for it, or understanding of it when we were young, he was aware that I was different from "other girls."  We were always very close, and after coming out to him, he said it always seemed that I was more like a brother would be. 

    -Michael

    6 people like this

  13. Sorry to hear about your cat, Briannah.  Ya know... sometimes I think losing a pet is worse than losing a family member or friend... unless that family member happens to be a child.  'Cause we all know (we pet lovers, that is)... our pets are sorta like our kids.  Plus, it's tough when you lose something that is so completely non-judgemental, loves you with all your flaws and imperfections, greets you everyday like you've been gone for a week, and trusts you with their very lives.

    {{{{ Big hugs }}}}
    -Michael

    2 people like this

  14. Congrats, Brigsby.

    In your previous blog entry, you mentioned that you had wanted the inverted "T" method.  I've been too lazy to google it and wondered, is there a benefit in getting the inverted "T," or does it have anything to do with cost (perhaps not as expensive), or what?  I'm wondering if the inverted "T" method is why you don't have any drains - this is the first time I've heard of anyone having top surgery and not having to deal with drains.

    -Michael

    2 people like this

  15. Congrats on the top surgery - no doubt it is a great feeling.  Sorry you still weren't able to share this with your family.   Maybe one day.....

    If you need more help on uploading pix... let anyone of us know.  The new process is a little tricky at first... I think because it's so simple.  Once you do it, you'll ask yourself why you didn't figure it out before... :lol:

    -Mike


  16. "I should not even write this here. After all, I'm a mod; mods don't cry." --Emma

    Yes, even mods cry.  I don't like to cry.  Don't like to admit that I do.  I've denied it when I've been caught.  I fight it when the urge to do so hits me.  Crying gives me a headache.  Maybe 'cause I fight it.  But sometimes... we have to have an outlet.  And sometimes...the only outlet, is to cry.

    -Michael

    4 people like this

  17. Nice drawings.  And I think you may not be the only one here that draws as a distraction from dysphoria.   It's very easy to get totally absorbed and lost in your work.  I know - I do it... but it took someone else to point it out to me.

    -Michael

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  18. I wish I had some suggestion or solution.  I have issue dealing with what I have... so I can pretty well imagine what you're feeling like.  Just think... if humans were like every other mammal on the planet, the damn things wouldn't exist until pregnancy.


  19. "Now that I understand you are paying rent, then she is your LANDLADY, and she is being very unprofessional."  -- Monica

    If this is actually an agreement - she asked for rent and named the amount, then the space in her house that is not considered common area is yours, and she cannot enter your space unannounced when you are not there unless there is an emergency.  Otherwise, any entry must be scheduled and you must be notified in advance.

    This means that if you attempt to "put your foot down" concerning her treatment of you, she can't just kick you out - she has to evict you, and that requires a thirty day notice.

    Don't wanna cause any stress between you and your boyfriend since that is his mother, but these are things to consider if it is indeed a landlord/tenant situation, no matter how "laid back" or informal it is.  In most places, as soon as money is handed over in exchange for living accomodations, it becomes a rental situation, and even if it's month-to-month, she can't just walk in tomorrow and tell you to pack your things and leave.  Therefore, as Monica indicated, work hard at finding a job first... then look for a place of your own.  It'll be tough...but just try to stay away from her.

    -Michael

    2 people like this

  20. It's her house.  She can call the shots.  And if she is not going to call you Ren or Warren, and interact with you as she would with any other male, you can put your foot thru the floor and it won't change anything.  I agree that it sounds like she is intentionally referring to you as female in every way possible.

    I agree that in whatever way you plan on confronting her, you should be ready for the worst, which could possibly mean being kicked out.  If you're not in a position to take that chance yet, I think I would do everything I could to avoid her whenever possible to limit your exposure to her disrespect.

    When you do have to be in her presense, and since you have legal documents to back you up, stop responding to her when she calls you by your former name.  Pretend you don't even hear her.  But again, you have to determine whether you are ready to be kicked out if she would go so far.

    Good luck with the interview.  It would be nice if you could:  1) Get a job that you really would like to have, and 2) A job will help you get your own place.

    -Michael

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