Emma

I understand and am glad you could get some of this off your chest. Keep it coming! Don't stop.

Okay, this entry isn't really about "The Sound of Music" but the title seemed appropriate as I got started. And since it's my blog, well, you get the picture. The reason I'm writing here is that I have another article that I'd like to share but couldn't decide on a good place to post in the Forums. It's about climbing mountains - personal mountains, full of loose shale and dangerous outcroppings: Every life has a Great Struggle. A struggle that defines how—and whether—that life will reach fulfillment. Struggling well—facing, embracing, and overcoming one’s struggle—and struggling poorly—escaping, replacing, and ignoring one’s struggle—is one of the greatest and most necessary disciplines that we must master if we are to live, prosper, and blossom. For the truth is that if we don’t overcome our struggles, you know and I know: we will probably end up trapped in lives that feel like bitter and desperate failures, futile, meaningless, diminished. https://medium.com/bad-words/the-art-of-competition-5b7b3704d8c2 Breathe. Look up. See the mountain. Accept the gift. Emma

Sorry to hear about your frustrations. But... "Schrodinger's Pass"? Either you or your friends must be physicists! Cracked me up. :-). Makes me wonder if Heisenberg's Uncertainty Principle might also be at work here.

Ok, sounds good, thanks.

If you were successful testing it on a different computer then I'd argue you're changing too many things at once. It would be much more interesting to try it out on the computer that is having the problem. Why can't you install Chrome and/or Firefox now? I'm sure you know they're free. And if your issue is solved by using an alternative browser then that would also be helpful for TGG when they report the problem to their hosting service.

Karen, have you tried Firefox and/or Chrome as your browser instead of IE? I suggest that as an experiment.

Lisa, Yes, sharing your plans with your wife is very important, especially depending on how you want/hope your relationship to evolve. I don't remember the specifics of what you've already discussed but from your most recent writing it sounds like your plans won't be a huge surprise. A piece of advice I heard sounds wise, though: we need to realize that it took us quite a number of years (or decades) to come to terms with our gender; it's understandable that we need to allow our SOs sufficient/significant time to also determine their feelings and needs. I hope you know that we all wish you the very best. Emma

I agree with Karen completely. I would you think it would be very helpful to review your roadmap with him/her, too. Perhaps post your roadmap here too? I would think that Karen and others would have some very helpful suggestions for you.

Dear Warren, I think that's a great idea! Although I can only imagine how conflicted you must be about designing, making, and marketing such girly things. Too bad that the interest in jewelry for men seems to be so low. But is it? Maybe for men in their 20s? I'm sure you'd know or have a much better feeling for this than I. If you don't mind, I'd like to provide you with some wisdom on creativity. I've studied a lot about this and have a story to relate. A pottery class was divided into two groups. The first group was assigned to make one pot for the semester. They were told to make their designs, consider it all very carefully, and then make it. At the end of the semester a committee would judge which one was best. The other group was advised to make as many pots as they could, every day, every week. They would also choose their best at the end of the semester, to judge which was best. Maybe it's obvious but the second group won by a landslide. Focusing on perfection doesn't work. So make jewelry, lots of it. Like writing, don't worry too much about having a complete idea to get started. Just start. Anywhere. Some of it will suck. But maybe some will generate more ideas that you can riff on. And do it for the fun of it, for the joy you'll be providing your customers. If you create that joy the money will follow. Best of luck with this, Emma

Hi Warren, Like UsernameOptional (Mike) advises, bang on your keyboard writing your blog and other things. Of course it won't fix it for you but it may help you emotionally. I'm so sorry you're feeling this way and wish I could offer more. Did your therapist give you an emergency number to call if you have a crisis? Perhaps that would be good to do. Or, what about the Transgender Suicide number? I'm not sure if it's only good for US residents. Okay, maybe you're not suicidal (I hope not) but you sound very very upset and need someone to talk to. I hope you feel better soon. Regardless, keep writing. Don't worry about what you're writing, just keep it coming. Hugs, Emma

Karen, I'm glad to hear of your journaling plans. its been great to follow along on your progress! Hugs, Emma

Dear Monica, Always there for us with your wisdom and insight. Thank you! Emma

Hey Ren, You do shine, man, you rock. It's always good to hear from you although I am saddened by your hassles and pain. Hugs always, Emma

Addendum After posting this I walked 45 minutes to Cafe Borrone to give me a chance to put RAIN into practice. I'd stored up some anger and hurt since a confrontation with my wife on Friday morning. First: which to focus on, the anger or the hurt? According to the book, choose the "biggest one" so I chose anger. And I must say, it really seemed to dissipate as I went through the RAIN steps. At Cafe Borrone I settled into reading Learning Swift Programming and a pint of Racer 5 IPA. (Yes, the propeller on my beanie is spinning rapidly. Wouldn't you like to read about optionals and tuples?) As I was reading my thoughts drifted. I realized the next emotion to come up was fear. Where is all this headed? Will she (does she) still love me? Aha! Another opportunity to try RAIN. (Channeling Spock, with his raised eyebrow: "Captain, it appears you're experiencing the fear emotion that humans experience so often.") So yeah, I went through it again, this time for fear. And I'll tell you: it helped. Sure, I have some remnants. But the back has been broken on that emotion at least for now. Give it a try yourself. Probably ought to buy the book (no, not the Swift book).

For Christmas my son gave me a copy of the book "Fully Present: The Science, Art, and Practice of Mindfullness." I had mixed emotions about it. On the one hand I've heard about the benefits of mindfullness meditation for several years and thought this might finally give me what I need to actually learn and add it to my life. On the other hand I've had so much trouble accepting mindfullness. (Isn't meditation a bunch of hocus pocus mumbo jumbo?) I worried that once again I'd fail to follow through and thus re-live all the emotional baggage that comes with that. I'm glad to report that I have been making some good progress (about half-way through). I'm trying to be very Zen-full about reading it, allowing myself to read a little, put it down for a day or two, and then come back to it. Today I came across something that I'd like to write about: R. A. I. N. Negative emotions are very natural, most likely emerging from our early ancestors' needs to be aware of danger, protect themselves, care for their families and communities. But these days we tend to think negatively about even having negative emotions; we try to rid ourselves of these emotions through introspection or suppression. Worse, we may continue to bring up and enhance those emotions by continually replaying the events that triggered them. Good grief! Here's a quick summary of a technique (okay, it's Buddhist, but let's forget that for the moment) that has the acronym RAIN, which stands for Recognition, Acceptance, Investigation, and Non-identification. It's been taught all over, from prisons to schools, to couples in therapy - with very positive results. So, what do we have to lose from trying it out? Recognition The first step is to recognize the emotion, and give it a label such as grief, anger, sadness, fear. Just giving it a label enables us to gain some cognitive distance, to "see it" for what it is, an emotion. Acceptance Whatever we experience is okay. Whether it's an emotion we like or not, you're human, and you have emotions. From the book, Mindfullness encourages you to be present, without shame or blame or fear, to what is truly happening. Once the emotion is labelled, in Recognition, we need to accept it. Like hugging a child when she falls, telling ourselves "It's okay, you'll be fine, I'll take care of you." This may be easier said that done since we may reject feeling the emotion at all, as if it's bad or shameful in and of itself. In that case, consider that emotion, go back to Recognition, and see where that takes you. Investigation Now that you've recognized and accepted the emotion, consider how it is affecting you in your body. Shortness of breath? Tight throat? Stomach clenched? Note that in RAIN "Investigation" doesn't mean to imply that we should consider where the emotion may be coming from, say our childhood or something. "Investigation" is just a handy word whose "I" fits well into the acronym. :-) Non-Identification This is perhaps the hardest step but it's the one that we want to internalize. It's where you observe the emotion as if it's not a part of you at all. It's not your emotion instead it's the emotion, which we know from experience is transient, "this too shall pass." Nothing is perfect and we're not Buddhist monks. But I suppose many of us look for more tools and techniques. Hope this helps you. Heck, I hope it helps me. We'll see; I've got something to try it out on right now! Wish me luck. Emma Photo: I shot this in a huge open-air monkey zoo in South Africa. I like this scene a lot. Probably could be a crisper photo but hey, it was happening in real life!

Hey Lisa, I was wondering if you'd be posting again soon. And I'm in luck this morning to see this! I also have tried to control so many things in my life, mostly by analyzing and study - as if knowledge will do it. But as you and I well know at some point we have to trust our gut feel. Regarding your TS roadmap I wonder if you've visited Lynn Conway's website: http://ai.eecs.umich.edu/people/conway/conway.html She's a remarkable woman in many ways and offers a lot of information about transition that is erudite and articulate. I'd be surprised if you don't find some nuggets of wisdom there to help you. I'm sorry about your father's passing and I know exactly what you mean about wishing for his advice. My father died 10 years ago this coming September and it's rare day that I don't think of something I wish we could talk about. Hugs, Emma

Why, Lisa, you're still a youngster! Good for you! I''ll turn 59 in May. :-( That said, it's much better to be in my late 50s and coming to terms with myself than waiting for what may never come. To me that would be the biggest tragedy, to be lying there in the hospital, knowing I'm at the end of my days, wishing I'd had the gumption to do what needed to be done to be true to myself. That "truth" is hard to determine with much certainty. At some point, after soul-searching, planning, and discussions with friends and therapists, we have to trust out instincts. As you said it's a marathon but think of the endorphin rush(s) in your future! Hugs, Emma

Hi Lisa, I'm also happy that you kept a copy of this post - I'd hate to miss it. And I'm glad that you're finding that the blogging is helping you. For me it's so helpful to write out my thoughts so I can gain some perspective and not have to try to juggle them all in my mind. We're all in 100% support of you and your journey, wherever it takes you. I hope you're confident of that. Hugs, Emma

Muchas gracias to both of you! I really appreciate your support and comments. A recurring issue for me is, as Veronica says, let the chips fall. It's hard for me to let go. I'm working on that. It's all part of my own Finding Myself Journey I suppose. Maybe I should have satin baseball jackets made with "Emma's 2015 Tour" embroidered on the back? Kidding. I'd never do such a thing. Warm hugs for you both, Emma

Several unrelated observations from the past week have led to some thoughts I'd like to share here. Sneak preview: I wonder if I am transgender. Answer: yes. Here goes: I attended a TG Discussion Group (i.e., not led by a therapist) this week. Everyone there except me has either fully transitioned or is on hormones. I mentioned that I had not gone to any of their social events because I don't have a complete feminine outfit (with all of the accoutrements) and am wondering these days how important that is for me. Someone said (in a nice way), "Gender isn't the clothes. It's all between the ears." Everyone nodded and agreed. Thinking about it later that night I wish I'd asked, "If it's all between the ears then perhaps that explains why some are comfortable in their choice to live within the boundaries of their born sex?" I suspect there is some truth in that. And maybe those in that place under the TG Umbrella don't see the "boundaries" at all. I'm thinking this may be me. When I consider attending a TG social event fully expressing myself as a transwoman it is a little exciting, sure. But there are rather big buts, such as: I want to look nice. Not over the top at all, just well put-together. Assembling all of the pieces of such an outfit would be very expensive when you consider I'm starting from essentially nothing. I don't feel an inherent joy in making my face up more than perhaps the minimal that most cisgender women do. But goodness knows I'd need a fair amount of it applied in an artful manner. And, the thought of doing all this for perhaps a 2-3 hour event with people I don't have much in common with... Maybe I'm not transgender at all. I'm just a lonely imposter in the TG house? I met with my therapist yesterday morning, one on one. I told him that I just want to be loved by my wife for who and what I am. I told him all of the above, and: I often sleep in a simple nightgown since I was barred from sleeping with my wife in "our" room. Nothing fancy or frilly, it's like a long-sleeve T-shirt in a soft modal fabric. It just feels good, like a hug. When I wear a leotard and tights (under my outerwear), here again, it just feels like a warm hug. I'm okay. Yes, I occasionally get a minor and transient erotic thrill but that's also similar to how I feel when in a warm embrace. At the discussion group one of the transexual women (who transitioned >30 years ago) mentioned, "Although transitioned, we'll never be fully women. For example, when I attended college after my SRS and the other girls shared their prom photos and other girlhood memories, I didn't have those." She said it very matter of fact, with no emotional baggage. I responded with something like, "Oh my, that must have been painful for you." No one else picked up on that and the discussion moved on. Also at the discussion group I felt a bit left out as they were largely focused on hearing themselves talk. I guess I don't blame them. Like me, there are darned few places where they can express themselves. I wasn't able to get much of a word in edgewise and just listened. My therapist responded that the feelings I express are, in his experience, more typically those of a woman's. Earlier that week he had a couple in for therapy where, for example, the wife used my same words, "I just want you to love me for who I am." So yeah, I am a member of the transgender camp, grateful for having a place like TG Guide to come to, express myself, and share my feelings. Emma P.S. I sincerely hope that all who read this understand that my writing is solely about my own thoughts and observations, and I don't mean to imply any judgment of anyone else. I'm truly respectful and appreciative of everyone in the transgender community, their individual journeys, gender expression, and rightful place under the umbrella. Photo: I shot this from inside the Excelsior Lodge in South Africa a couple of years ago. I loved their windows and the scene they framed. It seems like an appropriate photo for today's blog.

Hi Dani, I'll try to remember to look at your blog but can't promise. I'm sure there is some fun to have an independent presence over there. You can express more of yourself and creativity there perhaps, which is hard to deny. I must say that for me I like it here since I can so easily have TGG as a central repository for my transgender life. Anyway, hope you're not a stranger and we see you here from time to time. Hugs, Emma

Welcome back Warren! We've missed you. I'm glad to hear you had such a busy and positive month, and I love your new photo. You rock, kiddo. Keep your chin up and talking to your BF. Regarding lovey, gooey, mushy stuff: back at ya, double. Emma

Hi Salem, I agree with you of course. Still, I tried to communicate openly from the very start, and my fiance (at that time) wasn't able to listen to my disclosures. We both buried them as best we could but learned over time that despite our best efforts my deepest secret raised its head over and over again and would not be put down. In hindsight it seems so obvious now. But we all live and learn. Fortunately, both my wife and myself are much wiser now, almost twenty years later, and we are trying to navigate this together. But to your point I wish we'd had a mentor like you way back when. Emma

Dear Lisa, Congratulations to you. You're very courageous you know, and it's paying off for you. What a great way to start the new year! I wish you the best one ever. Emma

Hi Jenny, Good to see your blog post. I imagine it's hard for you to do but I hope to read more from you. I agree with you that it does seem at times that the transgender scale leans toward hormones and surgery but, like you, I'm more likely at the opposite end! Emma