Emma

Dear Veronica, thank you so much for your kind words. I really need them today. My heart soars. Emma

Hey Michael, Regarding the restaurant manager, no, I'm not worried. I'd actually mentioned the possibility of running into someone I knew to my wife and our therapist when we met a couple of days ago; we decided it was going to be - or would be - "no big deal." (Funny how those three little words keep appearing!) Emma

I attended my first therapist-led support group last night. In short, it was a very good experience for me and I'm grateful to have found it and their warm welcomes. There were six of us in all, including the therapist and myself. Three are transitioned transwomen and the fourth is taking hormones, thinks she would like to transition but isn't sure. Three are married and one's wife passed away some years ago. All are well known to each other; some have attended this meeting for more than a decade! We went around the room introducing ourselves with me allowed to wait until last. They described their journeys, home situation, children/family, and a summary of their transition - especially as it related to acceptance and feedback they received at work. I appreciated their openness and heartfelt support and although all are either transexual or in transition no one challenged my telling them that I may be remain at the crossdresser end of the transgender umbrella. My main take-aways: If one wishes to remain happy and married to their significant other we need to recognize that they are going through their own unasked-for transition. Be sensitive to that, don't push or pressure, communicate and allow her to come to terms with the "new you." It's all too easy to be self-centered especially as we're experiencing and enjoying our new freedoms. Try to keep that in check or at least be sensitive to your wife's needs. The therapist provided her metaphor for the transgender journey: a train chugging along the track, unaware of its final destination or distance to travel. We may get off at early or intermediate stations and stay there or get back on the train and continue. I expressed some of my reluctance and ambivalence to ride the train and was advised that I need to swim with the fish to uncover where I'm meant to reside under the umbrella. (Sorry for the incredibly mixed metaphor!) After the meeting we went to a local restaurant that they always go to - which happens to be one that my wife and I have also gone to often enough in the past that, you got it, the manager recognized me with the group. Full smile as always, warm greeting, and as a bonus, a little extra pour of the cabernet. This morning it occurs to me that the only regret I have for the meeting is that I'm joining a group and making friends that will likely never include my wife. Still, it was good times and I'm looking forward to the next meeting in early February.

Michael, I always appreciate your thoughts. Please allow me to try to shed some light into what I was meaning. I don't know if I can but I will try. My point is this: regardless of from where ones preference or comfort is derived it is valid in and of itself. As an example, my sexual preference is for women. I don't know if that is coming from my biology or sociology. It just is, at least for now. Individuals such as my friend have their own comfort zones, which need to be respected and appreciated if I am to hope that she will be able to open up to me or us. That said, I agree that societal views must also be addressed. But societies are made up of individuals who need to be won over individually by our examples of friendly, healthy, contributions to society.

Salem, I'd really like to hear more from you at TG Guide. You write with a sensitivity that resonates with me. Thank you! Emma

You rock, Karen!

That was truly well written, thank you. I think of suicide almost daily, not planning, mostly fleeting, but wondering how much longer or under what conditions I'll last. Your writing was very inspirational to me, thank you. Emma

Dani, I think I see your point. An example might be use of the "n-word" for blacks. I occasionally hear one black using it to another as if they have a common bond, like "Hey bro, mind if I ask a favor of you?" (Replace 'bro' with the n-word.) But, notice that even in this message I'm not spelling out the n-word. Why? Because I know how much weight and hurt that word carries. "Tranny" has similar baggage. As does "she-male" and others. Oh sure, I can imagine that in the right setting, I might joke with Veronica that way if we were both dressed en femme. But for me I'd prefer not to hear it. What about changing public perception? I think we have enough to contend with regarding acceptance and support for trans people. Trying to also "change the meaning" of what is used as a derogatory slur seems too much. I recall the days in the 60s when my grandfather used the n-word when talking about blacks. And I remember when "black" and "gay" words emerged as friendly terms for blacks and homosexual men. I think we need to follow in their footsteps. Last, I'd like to express my appreciation for your bringing this up for discussion here. That's a good thing to do. You go, Girl! Emma

Congratulations Karen! I'll bet that's a big relief. One more thing you can cross off the list.

There's a story behind that. Yesterday while walking back from the coffee shop I contemplated the title of this post. Might it be: "No Big Deal - My Bad"? "No Big Deal - Emma's Blunder"? Nothing sounded right. And then I thought of mea culpa. I admit that I checked its definition to be sure, and now you know... The Rest of the Story.

When I first wrote about No Big Deal I thought I could make a point that would be helpful. In the second post I felt that the Bigness of the Big Deal should be measured by comparison of "intrinsic" vs. "sociological" needs. Now, though, I'm embarrassed to have written any of this. Behind the scenes a friend pointed out that for her (a cisgender woman SO) it's all about her preference, comfort, and desires. And when I read that I realized how meaningless my previous posts were. I'd like to close this by saying that No Big Deal may very well be: a Very Big Deal for some SOs, a Little Problem for others, No Biggie for still more, and (going out further on the limb here) the measure of its importance isn't static, it may change depending on circumstance, attitudes, and presentation. I think the one important and overriding truth is that communication between the partners is everything, especially if one hopes to achieve No Big Deal. And that, my friends, is all I'm going to say about that. Well, at least for now. P.S. As embarrassed as I am I would like to acknowledge TG Guide's member's tolerance and patience as I worked this out. No one bashed me in public or private. Remarkable! Thank you. :-)

Hi Daniella, My intuition was right on! I'm glad to meet you and look forward to more of your ramblings. Itches need to be scratched! :-) Emma

Hi Daniella, Welcome to TG Guide. When I first saw the title of this post I dismissed it as yet another person looking for a thrill. But I read your Hello post and profile, and decided to read this. It's a good story and congratulations on your adventure with your wife! But for the title, I personally don't care for use of "tranny" anywhere, as I find it to be derogatory and used by people that attempt to put us down. But that's only my feedback. I hope you like it here and make lots of friends. Look around, add your comments and thoughts! And add more blog posts, too. Take care, Emma

I've been ruminating about my post "No Big Deal" over the past few days and wondering why I was unable to let it go. For example, if the balance of threats and concerns weighs so heavily on the Significant Other (i.e., the cisgender person) then by what right does the Transgender person express herself, especially if she is uncertain about her needs to transition her sex? I think I figured it out this morning. I think it boils down to whether the issue is coming from the individual's inherent core or from societal mores. As I've written in my blog and other TGG posts I am very uncertain about where my transgender self resides under the umbrella of its definition. These days I think I'm much more at the crossdresser end than toward transition. But one thing I can't deny: my transgender needs/desires/self is at the core of my being. They are inherent and immutable. I can't be "cured" of them through therapy, suppression, or denial. On the Significant Other's side her feelings are no less valid and no doubt her spouse's disclosures are a surprise and may cause her to question her trust in her husband and her own instincts. That said, however, it seems to me that at least some of the wife's concerns that I listed in my post are derived more from what she's been taught that society expects and approves of. Let me emphasize that the emotions of both people are equally valid and real. But I think that measured over time, the transgender person's will last longer - forever, if you will - and it's possible that some of the cisgender partner's emotions will wane as she learns that her husband's disclosure doesn't really change anything substantial in their relationship; the changes are largely superficial. And with time and open and loving communication it's possible that the cisgender partner may come to realize that her husband's statement "It's no big deal" is more true than she thought initially. Emma P.S. My thanks to a friend who coached me on the use of pronouns. Hope I got it better this time!

I just checked mine and they're fine. I probably look at them 2-3 times per week so I don't worry much. We've had a couple of minor instances in the past and all of the credit card companies did exactly what you describe: immediately cancel the current card(s) and send us new ones. BTW, some years back we had a situation where we bought what we thought was an antique dining room table from a local vendor. We found out that it was not what they said it was and refused to take it back. The lucky thing was that we'd used a Visa card for its purchase. I disputed the charge, got an independent assessment of the table (which wasn't easy), and the money was fully refunded by Visa. Can't do that with checks or cash!

Veronica, My understanding is that Misogynists are women-haters. It is abhorrent behavior, like any person who hates anyone, such as a racist. Also, rapists are often misogynists. Is it diagnosable? I imagine it certainly is. Another question is whether it is treatable. I don't know the answer to that but as I assume it comes from deep psychological problems I certainly hope so. Emma

Hi Monica, So good to see your blog post here, and an important question too. I think the answer is perhaps more subtle, just like there are differences between cisgender women. Some are people that we're attracted to, like being with, or think similarly to us or the way we feel comfortable as friends or lovers. And others, well, we're not compatible with. Sometimes we call that chemistry. I think the important difference is what is inside the person, regardless of whether she is a cisgender woman or transgender woman, and if she is trans, whether she is transitioning, transitioned, or crossdressing. There is no good or bad, better or worse, more or less. We are all people on this planet and all part of this wonderful community. Emma P.S. Okay, there are people who hurt others and those I put into the "bad" category, at least until they recognize their unacceptable behavior and atone for it.

Karen, I am very happy for you! You must be so excited that this month, finally, you will achieve what you have been thinking about and planning for so very long. I can only imagine how wonderful you are feeling now and in the future. Emma

A friend of mine's husband told her that his crossdressing is "no big deal." It bothered her because the phrase tended to dismiss her feelings; I understand and agree. I've often also thought of this phrase myself and thought it might be interesting to consider what it means to me. I'm not offering any solutions here, just food for thought and, perhaps, conversation with your partner. By the way: I'm using feminine pronouns for the husband, which is the polite/supportive thing to do for her; My apologies to my FTM brethren as I'm only talking here about the husband being the transgender person. Now with that behind us let's dig in! I'm first considering it from my perspective. (It's my blog, I get to choose who goes first. ) When I think of my crossdressing as "no big deal" here's some my reasoning: It's just clothes after all, at least in the privacy of our own home. Who cares if I'm dressing in feminine finery? My therapists have also said that it shouldn't be a big deal. I wish my wife could also treat it as no big deal because then I'd feel better about myself. As it is I feel like there is a winner and a loser, and we should both be able to win. I am and will stay faithful to my wife and am confident that I will not stray no matter what. I still am the person she fell in love with at my core. Shouldn't she feel happy that I'm "finding myself" and support me? Okay fine, let's consider what might be going on in my wife's mind for whom it seems to be a Very Big Deal indeed. She was socialized to be the pretty one in relationships and society, to wear feminine clothing and be feminine. If I'm feminine too, where does that leave her? Should she now consider herself to be a lesbian? I think it's known that cisgender women may judge each other pretty harshly at times, and "their man" may be a proxy for her success as a woman. What does it mean if he crossdresses (privately or not)? Is it because of some failing of the wife's? Although we know that gender orientation isn't correlated or the same as sexual orientation, my wife is still concerned that in the euphoria of the moment (aka "Pink Fog") I might be tempted to experiment. Who's to say that I might so enjoy crossdressing that I find myself inexorably drawn to Gender Affirmation hormones and/or surgery? How will this affect our sex life? Will we even have a sex life going forward? And if not, why should I accept that? If our marriage/relationship needs to dissolve, how will I explain this to my family and friends? Oh my goodness: the scale is leaning so heavily toward my wife. Maybe I'm just being negative. I am sure there are missing points in both my and my wife's sections. Please feel free to post your thoughts on all this. Regardless of whether you agree with what I wrote or not I think it always comes down to communication between ourselves and our partners. Easy for me to say but I think my wife and I are making some progress. Yeah! I wish you a safe New Years celebration and a thoroughly wonderful and fulfilling 2015, Emma

You're very courageous and to be admired! Despite all that negative feedback you still did (and do) what you needed. Thank you for being such a wonderful example to everyone. Emma P.S. I have also always loved tights!

Dear Lisa, Uncertainty seems to be a common denominator at least for you and me. Maybe the only certainty is to achieve some level of balance and being ourselves - whatever that is. I also observe women all the time, how they carry themselves, express themselves - which often brings big pangs of envy. I need to remind myself that life is a journey not a destination. That's hard to do of course. Thank you for your blog posts, your friendship, and your support. May 2015 be a wonderful year for you. Emma

What a month it’s been. It started off pretty low for me when my wife and I met with our therapist. I gave them a very open update and my wife was terribly upset. Assuming the worst (which I’m quite good at doing) I was sure that she was going to want a divorce. Thankfully she didn’t. She apologized for her reaction and assured me that she supports my explorations. Remembering those days even now still causes me pain. It’s also diminished my enthusiasm and I’ve felt drawn back into the closet. That said, though, my wife encouraged (in some ways demanded) that I find a transgender support group to attend. I learned that a “support group” is one that is led by a therapist or mental health professional. Surprisingly, I found it hard to find one, but I received some help and was successful. The first meeting I’ll attend is on January 8th. My older son gave me the book “Fully Present” as a Christmas present. It’s about the science, art, and practice of Mindfulness Meditation. I’d known about this practice for years and it was recommended to me but I was kind of reluctant to study it. I guess I was (and am) afraid that I won’t be able to “do it” which, yeah, sounds kind of silly. Anyway, I am slowly and patiently reading the book and it does seem like an ideal combination of science, art, and practice – just like they said. This morning I read, “The basic tenet of mindfulness and science is to observe things as they are.” And, “In the spirit of self-discovery, we invite you to attempt meditation with a very scientific attitude – one of scientific exploration.” Wow, does that speak to me! I’ve been thinking over the past few days about what I might write here. I like the idea of having a monthly report like this but what should I do? Perhaps keep a running list of questions that I want to explore on my journey with therapists, groups, meditation, and my friends here at TG Guide: Am I “merely” addicted to the endorphin jolt I receive at times when I wear female clothing? I do like it, that’s for sure. And if it’s an “addiction,” should I attend some sort of 12-step program for it? I don’t think this is the case for me but one has to wonder at times. If I receive the truly unconditional love and acceptance I need from my wife will my transgender desires/needs evaporate or extinguish? I do really want the former but doubt the latter – as much as I would like it to be true. What will it take for me to ever achieve peace and acceptance with myself? My hypothesis these days is that when I was a toddler that my mother rejected me, I looked around and from what I could see, girls were the ones that are loved, accepted, and celebrated. They wore dresses and skirts so that’s what I wanted to. But, maybe my mother was “just” reacting to my desires for girlish things? (Which came first, the chicken or the egg?) Anyway, I wish everyone here at TG Guide a wonderful and prosperous New Year. I love you all. Emma Photo: The "The Imitation Game" movie, about Alan Turing. What a remarkable man, and such a tragedy that he ended up taking his life because of punishments he endured when he was "convicted" of being homosexual. I found it a poignant reminder of how many transgender people feel today. But, a remarkable movie nonetheless!

Dear Sandi, I think it's terrific that you're sharing this and, from my own experience, your feelings are very understandable. You and your husband were ten years older, more mature, and wiser than when you married. Hopefully you're both better able to be sensitive and understanding of each other's feelings and talk openly to each other. Neither you or your husband wanted "this" but you each selected each other, maybe him you because he sensed that you might be accepting and remain loving, and you him because of an indefinable quality that you didn't find in other men. The most important thing is for both of you to communicate. Easy to say, hard to do, without reacting. It's natural for us to be emotional, threatened, and hurt. I believe this also provides an opportunity for you both to deepen your relationship through building trust of vulnerability, acceptance of each other, and love. I wish you both the very best, Emma

I agree, we need both love and genuine acceptance. Tolerance, seemingly friendly or lukewarm, is no where near sufficient. I hope that by now (end of 2014) your mother, brother, and girlfriend, have demonstrated the love and acceptance you deserve. Emma

Dear Michael, You wrote this almost two and a half years ago, and I wonder, how do you feel today? I like how you are so open and vulnerable on this post. I feel very similarly and appreciate your finding the words for my feelings. Hugs, Emma