ScottishDeeDee

I have been enjoying having my daughter up for the last 2 weeks. The time is flying by and she has to decide today if she is going to stay for 3 or 4 weeks before heading back down the road to her mums with her brother. It means I have had zero time in front of the computer without one or the other coming in to chat or ask for help with school work, with lockdown still in effect we have not really been or done anything other than a quick dip in the sea when we were out with the dogs the other day. I have had a helper for cooking, and someone to watch films with, and I have been encouraging her while she practices makeup effects (she made a rose on her arm using toilet paper, lipstick and pva glue and drew petals using green eyeshadow, for a 12yo and without watching any youtube tutorials I think it is fabulous. Of course the downside is that the only reason I can log in here and type this is because they think I am on a work call. I am unshaven and hairy and piling on the weight, which makes me eat more because I hate my body. I miss dressing and knowing my son will be heading down the road I recently splurged on some clothes from Shein which I hope will be in my size - I am daydreaming a little about scraping all the fuzz off and trying on my chunky girl clothes to relax around the house in for a couple of weeks. The problem is that I am emotionally finding it hard to know who I am - that clear vision of Dee is being replaced by fuzzy rose tinted - maybe I just like being feminine sometimes thoughts and doubts. I mean I have doubled the amount of people in the house calling me dad, and while part of me loves that my daughter can discuss the fact that she has just started her periods and that there is a boy in her class that she likes I also hate that I am deliberately slipping into old habits and "dad" routines because that is what she wants. Am I scared of pushing them away by embracing Dee, or am I scared of embracing Dee because it seems like pure fantasy to consider myself female at the moment? 😢👩‍👧👩‍👦👨‍👦👨‍👧💔💝

I'm glad I live somewhere rural, after the first week or so when all the tins and milk disappeared folks just went back to buying normally, plus we always have a weeks worth of food in the freezer/tin cupboard just out of habit. I try and shop on the quiet days just because others do not always respect the 2m rule and walk right up next to me. As long as you stay as safe as you can, hopefully with the heat the virus won't cope so well. Regular thorough hand washing will be more effective than the sanitiser anyway.

Not having someone to please is making the process a bit easier, but it is strange that the biggest motivator for not changing is almost always fear of rejection. Especially when for me it was being finally rejected beyond doubt that gave me the crisis I needed to question who I was. Interesting post Emma

Hi Jess, as soon as I started questioning my gender I put my non existant romantic interests to the side, as I realised if I did not see myself as a cis male, it was pointless holding onto the idea of being heterosexual until I figured out my place. It'll all come out in the wash eventually. It was just really nice to wake up with that warm fuzzy feeling of being wanted. I haven't had that in a very, very long time.

My dream self seems to have more fun than I do! I have spent all day considering whether it was worth sharing or not, but as I am trying to journal my whole experience any dream that deals with transgender as an issue in any form is worth writing about. This was a pretty positive dream though, I woke up feeling flushed and decidedly positive - a feeling which has stayed with me all day. In my dream I had gone to a retreat that also offered some sort of therapy session with the intention of working through how to come out to my work.There was another woman also on retreat and a man that for some reason I "clocked" as a trans man. He was also seeing the therapist so perhaps that was what gave it away, but he was about my height and build, so roughly 5"7 and stocky without being jacked, or overly chunky, he had a 5 o clock shadow, reasonbly short hair and for some reason I cannot understand was from the Netherlands. I have to clarify that I was on the retreat in man mode but the therapist in my session straight after his, picked up that there was some tension between us while we had been eating and asked if I was attracted to him, while I admitted I was I moaned the fact that I was not appearing as me - she asked me why I was attracted to him when I had only ever had female partners and I simply replied that he gets what it means to be trans. I woke up shortly after being persuaded to introduce myself properly to him as DeeDee and just see how we both felt. Not a raunchy dream, although I woke up still in that buzz feeling; but I think while I shelved my sexuality as soon as I started questioning my gender as I just assumed that it will sort itself out it was incredibly validating to get those interested vibes from someone. If I choose to I could tear apart the dream, but it was just a small oasis of happiness, in a fortnight or so of uncertainty and drama!

🤗 I cannot offer anything except a virtual hug BA as I am not in your position, but for what it's worth I do not look on you as damaged, I see you as unique when you post - which is a totally different thing altogether. No one else here can speak from your perspective.x

Emily, that is amazing! Definitely track them down when you can! There is another song called malfunction, which deals with that nagging inner voice that we have probably all had that tells us that we are wrong or broken in some way. 💜 Plus I love the whole steampunk look lol.

Emma, nope American. San Diego

This is one of those quirky hard to define groups I discovered a few years ago and absolutely loved, I bought both albums and listened to them constantly on repeat for ages. Due to spending a lot more time online recently I spotted them again on YT this week and got a lovely surprise! They are still unique and Bunny looks incredible! It seems that a few musical bands that I have loved over the years have ended up having a trans member, or have been outspoken trans allies, I wonder if there is a subconscious connection?

Hi Emily, thanks for posting. The way to look at expressing is simply to think about it differently. It helps me a lot because I am effectively a single parent with a 12 yo son who has never met me properly. I only get to dress while he is out at school or away at his mums, neither of which will be happening for at least the next 12 weeks. It is not the clothes you wear that make you Emily. It is how you express yourself, the clothes just help with that. My reflection just now is eugh, but that doesn't stop me being me when I am here. The outside world just hasn't caught up yet.🤷‍♀️ Do not rush, everywhere will be on a go slow and will take time to catch up, but at least you are starting to know who you really are, and that is wonderful!

That makes sense Emma, I'm sure it will be tracked down or iron itself out eventually, I used to call these internet gremlins! Apart from bizarre supermarket shoppers, Scotland is being pretty sensible, all the big events are being cancelled and the schools have just been shut down - it was mad to tell people to avoid large groups and then still send their kids to school. Wales has done the same and England may follow suite soon enough when parents take matters into their own hands. Having devolved parliaments is good but true independence is even more likely now as it would save getting contradictory advice and there will be one place to deal with all of the financial infrastructure. I will become busier as most of my work involves those most at risk, but social distancing and self isolating are sensible precautions for everyone to take. Living rurally is actually a blessing here as it will not impact me as much, I can still wander down to the beach and go for walks, and neighbours already use the phone to keep in touch with each other and help with shopping and prescriptions. We will keep our sense of humour, and will come out the other end, just as everyone else will. Please look after yourselves x 🤗

did it pass? 😇

Thank you both, but perhaps my rambling wasn't quite clear. My family (sisters) have all been supportive initially, the eldest two especially, but my mum took my dads death in 1998 incredibly hard and went into a serious depression and cycle of self harm and suicide attempts lasting almost a decade, during that period she was diagnosed with fybromyalgia and was also given a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder some of which stems from events in her youth. Intentional or otherwise she hates not being the centre of attention, she creates drama of often makes up lies that one or the other has allegedly told one of the others so she can play the part of confidante. Yet she really does love us and tries in her own way to be here for us. I am the one person in the family least impacted by her jealousy, but that is because I have the privilege of being "her only boy", in looks I remind her of her husband, something she is constantly reminding me. However it does mean that I can be more honest with her than my sisters, as she cannot bear it when we are not talking. Except for this. It is a 50/50 split how she will react, and I may not have her support moving forwards but her history as a result of trauma she never emotionally dealt with worries me that I may be more like her than even she could understand. So it is something I must deal with. Thank you for your concern though. 😊

I have finally had a really good chance to catch up with my sister without little ears being around to lug in on the conversation. I updated her on my clinic appointment, how annoyed I was when I came out that the only thing that is happening is more counselling. Her advice was that I am subconsciously just not pushing because I have not committed to transitioning yet, that because of everything we have dealt with as a family until I can get this big worry about being as mentally unstable as my mum out of my head I would always worry if someone else is right if they are anti- trans and accuse me of having mental health issues. She also said that I am wasted here, if I came out as Dee in my local area I would be lynched, and yet she knows I do not want to move and start somewhere new only to have them watch me go through transition. Knowing I cannot be one way while I am here, but that I also cannot be anywhere else until I am sure of who I am will only add to my internal unhappiness. She definitely understands my worries and fears and has really nailed them. I would not literally get strung up, but emotionally and figuratively it would be a nightmare both for me and my son. At the end of a nice long hour and a half or so of chatting she gave me a hug and promised that she would be here supporting me regardless of whatever I choose, and without thinking I answered that I already know the answer, I just need to make sure it is the right motive. I was speaking whistfully but I think it is true. I know that with all my worry and my overthinking, with all my yoyo-ing it is not really about whether or not I am transgender, I think that answer became obvious a while back, the sheer amount of times I log in here each day just to read posts and I usually understand or empathise where a great many people are coming from tells me that I know that answer. I have spent over a year asking myself if I am male or female, if I am damaged goods or just a really good liar and wishful thinker. Those questions that are asked about if we would transition if we knew there would be no down sides are easy for me to answer now. I would live as DeeDee in a heartbeat. I think when I am being open with myself what I am actually doing is trying to build up a foundation for transitioning, have some mental armour and get my ducks all in a row to rule out as many complications as I can. I know I am still adamant that I want to move forwards with HRT to see how being free of testosterone makes me feel. I am not so sure that I am trying to decide if transitioning is wrong or right for me; I am trying to live my most honest and genuine life, that is so much more important for my children to understand than learning how conforming will help you to fly under the radar. To my thinking today it is more like I am dismantling the obstacles that make me afraid to move forwards, even if it feels like it is just a massive game of Jenga with my life... x

I was just offered some good advice on my main blog and want to stick it somewhere to digest and process it. Well, it's not really advice, more of a suggestion. I know that I fit the definition of being transgender. Any which way you look at it I am not comfortable in this body of mine. My main blog is somewhere I update every week - it may not always have the most riveting of content but that is because it is mostly writing for myself. It is where I mull over my week and try to put a pin in where I am on my gender journey and then if someone stumbles across it they can offer me their insight or opinion too. The advice was given to this person when they went to visit heir therapist asked her to consider the following question - "how comfortable I would be presenting as a woman in a male body." It is an interesting thought exercise because it is shifting the goal posts a little. We talk about presenting as our target gender. Presenting female is easily understood for taking that nerve wracking trip out, hoping that you are dressed suitably and looking as feminine as possible in order to not get yelled at beaten up or generally abused in some way, shape or form. I am still working up to that moment I can take a coffee shop selfie (though it is getting closer). So my understanding is that presenting male would be the equivalent for trans men when they do the same thing and be seen and understood as men as they go about their business. The way I read the question from the therapist, the starting position is moved. The natural assumption for me is not; born male wants to be female, but; is female and has to be perceived as physically male... 🤔🤔🤔

I agree that with language intention is important, it was less than two years ago that I started learning a whole host of new terms and words as I started questioning who I was and why I liked to dress as I do. Some of things I read needed a dictionary to translate, technical terms can become an insulator that allow people to belong to certain cliques, because if you are not in the know then you cannot be "in". I regret my casual flinging of insults as a teen, but I know that I would never knowingly hurt someone by using a term derogatorily now, whereas I live around people that have used the terms their whole lives and genuinely still think nothing of it. 🤷‍♀️

Congratulations on your baptism Jessica Leah! 😁👏 x

In Scotland I think Hogmanay is a bigger celebration than Christmas. There are ceilidh dances, street parties and house parties up and down the nation and the government encourages it because the ridiculous amount of alcohol that gets consumed is backed up by the fact that both the 1st and 2nd of January are considered public holidays. It has been quite a few years since I have gone out on New Years, this year there were some tentative plans made with friends, but they fell by the wayside as cost and budgets refused to allow it. I considered briefly whether or not I would be brave enough to go down to Edinburgh or somewhere else for the street party as Dee, but immediately decided I was not brave enough, and being in a big crowd entirely alone and possibly paranoid just did not seem like a good idea. My eldest sister said that she was not doing anything for New year other than getting a takeaway, but I was welcome to go down and join her. I took her up on the offer and we ate a lovely chinese takeout, played trivial pursuit and watched the last leg and the big fat quiz of the year, none of the traditional Scottish Hogmanay programs, but it was really nice. She asked if I had confided in mum about being trans yet and I admitted that I just couldn't bring it up in conversation, possibly because I struggle to find the words to describe my feelings, but also because once I tell my mum the risk of being outted before I am ready increases dramatically. I talked about wearing wigs and how I am struggling because I feel I need to wear one, and many of the ladies I have seen online have no issue with them, but because nothing else chemically has changed it makes me feel more like I am playing at dressing up rather than allowing the world to see me as I want to be seen. She pointed out that there are plenty of cis women who wear wigs, including my ex wife for a while after undergoing chemo and no one batted an eye at them. She also showed me the before and after photos of one of her trans friends who had just had facial hair removal and hormones and looked completely feminine, there was no sign of the rough looking guy from beforehand. Then as we hugged at the bells, I thanked her for being a wonderful sister and she replied, "ditto". It makes me well up even now thinking about it. She has no idea just how validating it is to hear her acknowledge who I am, even in that one word. It was the best start to 2020. This morning we got up and went out to a 5km parkrun, it hurt and felt horrible at the time, but is also something I have never done before and is a good indicator of how I want this year to go. On my way home I stopped in at a friends house and we caught up for a few hours, I edged around my gender questioning, but went into great depths about peeling back layers and masks, I know they would be very supportive, but I haven't seen them in person for 5 years so it seemed a bit too much too soon considering I just turned up at their house! I am now sat in my nighty having painted my nails bright red wondering if I can go out for a walk as me somewhere tomorrow and try out my new scarf. It may be a fleeting feeling, but it is quite nice to just feel like myself for the moment. 💅👸💋💖

I have just had a wonderful Christmas week with both of my children, yesterday I had to take them down the road so they could go or a week with my ex and have a 2nd Christmas, our agreement was to alternate the holidays and she had Christmas last year. I am awake again after less than 4 hrs sleep due to a nightmare in which male me was out walking with my mum and we discouraged two kids out playing on their own from going into an abandoned property with broken windows, in my dream the owner appeared in a car just as we were walking away and I was informed by a colleague that he was looking for me and was extremely upset. In my dream I had to track this person down, interrupt a family bbq and explain that while I didn't know the kids I could assure him that my mum who walks with 2 sticks and myself had no intention of doing any B&E on his empty property and were merely trying to stop the youngsters from getting into trouble because at that age all empty buildings either contain treasure or are used by smugglers and pirates. I have no idea how it went but the guy was livid or I would not have gone looking for him and I hate confrontation. Either the dream is due to too much caffeine consumed yesterday and interrupting my sleep cycles or it could be due to not having the kids. I was going to try and fit some Dee time in but my mum who was here for Christmas IRL decided to stay an extra day or two and now it is just us I am considering trying to broach the subject about seeing a therapist to help me unravel my gender issue, you know the fact that while I walk and talk like a man I feel and respond like a woman. I put it off last year and still kind of want to avoid it, my mum has a thing about tidying up whenever she visits one of us children's houses and I was paranoid for the time I was away that she would attempt to help me out by doing my laundry and discovering my Dee wardrobe. (she hadn't, instead she had gone through my hallway cupboard to create bedding sets of duvet covers and pillows) To top it all off my niece and my two older sisters have told me how worried they are about my daughter, she chose to live with her mum but according to her she is miserable and feeling isolated and often left alone for hrs at a time. I leave my son for a could of hrs for meetings but apparently at least one night a week she is on her own from when she gets in from school until 11 or so at night while her mum is out, I have told my daughter many times that I would love to have her live with me and that I would collect her anytime if she wanted to come back. The children chose who they wanted to stay with when my ex-wife left and neither hesitated. Of the two of us I am the more maternal and have done more of the actual child raising, my daughter tells me she is happy where she is, she loves her mum and misses her when she is not there, the divorce has us both providing full time childcare for each of our children and unlimited access to the other. I can only go by what my daughter tells me but it breaks my heart to think that she might be staying with her mum out of duty - she has already taken to calling the new man step dad and his teenage daughters her stepsisters while my son insists that they are all just his mums friends and raises a fuss when he is with her because in his mind she is trying to replace him with her new mans girls the same way she replaced me with the new man. Autism logic in my son is simple to understand and really hard to deal with - I have to constantly tell him to be nice, kind and respectful to both my ex and her new partner and his kids simply because he can be so nasty about them. I know that overall my kids are loved by both parents - I struggle with the idea that there is a chance that my daughter and I will end up going through puberty together, I do not want to be an embarrassment to my children. I don't know; I have been floundering around for a year now and do not seem to be much further forward, accepting myself is still an almost daily battle. Then when my family respond to something I say with, "that is such a bloke thing to say", or when I was talking about how my ex only gets on with one of her parents at a time my sister said, "that's just like (our B.P.D) mum, they do say that sons look to marry their mothers", they were quips and not meant to be hurtful but they make me feel like I am just a man (which I physically am) pretending at being a woman by simply dressing up (which I do). Why is all of this such a minefield? Maybe now I've emptied my brain I can get a couple of hrs rest!

Hi Rachel, I just want to thank you for this post, it is interesting that selfishness is cited when you are asking for what most people would consider to be basic social courtesy. Caring is tough, it is thankless and it has and will wear you down physically and emotionally. Yet it is an honour to be there for someone else in their time of need and so you can and always will be able to hold your head high. Please do try to find something you can do for you, whether it is music through headphones in the wee small hours or a short walk outside while your partner is napping. Those things are not selfish but selfcare and are important for you too. 🙂

Thank you all, I am sat in a simple tee and a pair of jeans, getting ready to go and visit my daughter at her mums with my son for a couple of days while they are off school. (I will change to the male equivalent in an hour or so) It is not my children so much as how it will affect them that I worry about. I don't want hem to get eased or bullied and unfortunately just moving to a new town is enough for some kids let alone this used to be my dad but now he's my mum... Though as they become teenagers it will actually become a little easier as they will have a better understanding that gender is not as binary as primary school taught it to be.

On Tuesday and Wednesday I shaved my legs (30 minutes and 2 razors for each leg! ), on Thursday I used depilatory cream on my chest and under arms (I like the ease but it never takes it all away roughly 10 mins including the rinse to make sure the cream is all off afterwards) and today I shaved my arms (30 mins for both). 😮😫 After being hairy again for so long - I cannot remember the last time I de-fuzzed entirely but it is almost like a literal weight has been lifted. I feel so much better!! 💖 I knew I would be at home today too so I put on a simple white top and a pair of loose fitting black wide trousers with white spots and then just some mascara and lip gloss and of course my hair and had a me morning. It was three hours of bliss I did not get any work done but honestly I cannot tell you just how right my reflection felt in the mirror and my mood has definitely lifted. Even having to spend the time taking the mascara off and putting on my dad clothes did not dampen my spirits. In other news I have been trying to look up how to tell your children you are transgender and have not found much that is helpful, lots of info for parents of transgender children, and a rather toxic mumsnet thread where 3 women who had split from their partners because they came out as transgender and then projected all of their fears and bigotry onto what the kids would think (that did make me sad - I have the same worry around getting my kids bullied that they cite but they really downplayed trans as a life choice - they said their partners when from being thoughtful men to self centred shallow women) I also found a blog from a woman who had told her children by asking them if they were okay with it - I already know that mine do not like change, the split has been tough enough for them, adding autism onto that will not make them say yes lol. However they dressed at home for a year in front of their children before they went full time.Though the good advice as talking about how sometimes things are not the same on the inside as they are on the outside is something I could use.. It's been an interesting day so far! x

That fear is a strong one alright! I worry most about my children, who will soon become teenagers and have to deal with social bullying and peer pressure at school (more than they already do) but also the fact that I am my mum's safe conduit to my sisters as I can currently handle her mental health issues a lot better than they can, and while she is trying (with a lot of subtle help) to get over her prejudice I fear what will happen to our relationship when I eventually tell her. I also fear that the world will not accept me as female when so many have known me for so long as male. Certainly at the moment when I am still presenting male 99% of the time so the old - if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck logic is stronger than my hopes that I could turn into a swan... I experienced enough bullying as a kid to know I do not want to experience the inevitable experiences again as an adult While I have not experienced your kind of loss Jess I understand the sentiment 🤗 - that honesty is what drives me forward when all I want to do most days is forget I ever started questioning and try and go back to how life was before I started asking myself some serious questions.

I have been feeling very much ill over the last few days, but this evening I saw a a post online that gave me some food for thought, because it very much speaks to my struggle over the last year:

I was chatting online recently with someone about kilts and what makes one menswear and the other ladieswear, I sent an edited picture of me in a kilt when I was best man at someones wedding a few years ago and he made the comment: "If I didn't know about Dee, I would have assumed confident, rugged dude in a kilt, not realizing the dude would prefer to wear a cute plaid skirt and heels. " There is a lot of truth in this and a part of what made me say that I must be trans as well as what makes me struggle and doubt sometimes too. I am known for smiling, I love being around my friends and they know me well enough to know I would do anything I could for them. I have always tried to be honest with folk and so far as anyone has ever known I have always come across as quietly confident in who I am, but there was one side of me that no one ever got to know about. Metaphorically speaking I have worn the heels and cute plaid skirt for years in secret, but it was always tied to sexual excitement, when I went out to that Pride vent in summer wearing jeans, a blouse with a cardigan and some heeled knee high boots - it may not have been the sexiest outfit in the world but it showed me that I could just go out and have a good time without there being anything shameful or fetishised about it. 💅💋 I could carry on presenting as male me and to be honest no one would ever be the wiser - some days it genuinely feels like it would be a lot easier and simpler and comes with a lot less risk. But from those who have seen the photos, I just somehow seem to smile more as Dee. I will have the same life problems and then be adding more to them if I transitioned the potential loss of my son and daughter (though others assure me that they will be fine), the chance that my mum will freak out, the awkward transitioning for my work and how to do that without upsetting folk when it is not something that will just happen secretly, hundreds of people will find out and make snap judgement decisions and accuse me of lying, of choosing to be controversial, of dishonouring God etc etc, all based on their view of the Bible. The inevitable loss of my male privilege and dealing with the constant daily gripes that women everywhere have, but then also having that extra layer of not being seen as woman enough by some as well. Yet somehow despite all that I keep exploring and keep wondering if I ultimately would be more content. What I see as my depression could lift because I will not be wasting so much mental energy on all the wondering. I was out working today and as soon as I could I came home and swapped my suit and shirt for a dress, I have been making phone calls as Dee and I genuinely feel more grounded. I would say that I am more emotionally expressive and empathetic because as Dee I can be. I just wonder if it is enough to justify all of the upheaval.