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  • Lori

    Transgender Bloggers Wanted: Share Your Journey

    By Lori

    Create your own blog at TGGuide.com. It's FREE and you can start right now. Some people blog as a sort of journal to share our thoughts, feelings, experiences and insights. Others blog to express opinions on social and political issues. Others blog to share their knowledge and experience with others. Go ahead. Express yourself! Others may be grappling with issues you blog about and your words could provide useful insight or answers. Here are some blog topic ideas to get your creative juices flowing; A daily journal about your life and experiences
    A journal documenting when you go full time
    A journal to document your gender reassignment surgery
    Dating experiences and tips
    Crossdressing tips
    Experience with makeup
    Passing in public
    Your experiences when you go out in public
    Restroom experiences
    Transitioning at work
    Dealing with counselors or medical personnel
    Introspection about your particular gender identity
    Dealing with or overcoming self-limiting beliefs
    Dealing with addictions
    Dealing with self-destructive behaviors
    Interactions with police or government workers
    Changing your drivers license, birth certificate, etc.
    Applying for jobs
    Your big day, when you go full time
    Hormonal development (please don't discuss dosages or make medical type recommendations)
    Experiences with electrolysis
    How other members of your new gender react to you, and your experiences
    Your recommendations to others about to follow your path
    Your thoughts about whether surgery is necessary to be your desired gender
    Differences in how you feel dressed or not dressed
    What your life would be like if you still repressed your inner identity
    Poetry or prose
    These are a few ideas to get you started. Feel free to leave comments to suggest your own ideas, or just start a blog and share with everyone. Just log into your control panel to start your own blog. This could be interesting!
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Live Love Learn

Live Learn and Love....you pick the order. As life rolls on I learn more about myself, the world and everything becomes just a bit clearer. Now I have been through a bunch of ups and downs lately that have really tested my resolve but just as the tide comes in I know it will go out. I choose to ride each wave as best I can and even though I will never catch them all I keep trying. When my body is spent and trying to ride another wave is pointless I rest and reflect on all the one's I caught and lost. Learning from others can help me catch the next one by watch, talking and by them pointing out my mistakes. This is the foundation of life for me. The foundation needs to be strong otherwise the home will be weak and fall or more appropriately get knocked over by someone else, sometime by accident and sometimes on purpose. My wife and I are surviving but not living not loving each other. The silents in the house on the matter of me being trans is so loud that I can hardly breath at times. This causes me to panic, search for an answer or relief but I know from a life time of searching that the dark hallway is nowhere I want to be. So, I open my mouth and start to speak, I force the conversation just so I can breath but what I really feel like doing is running. As my wife and I talk about this Transgender dilemma we find just a bit of peace. She has said "yes I will go to therapy with you" and a weight was lifted but my body is still carrying far more weight than my soul can handle. We have been getting alone but she is distant and I don't feel any love or respect from her. She has told me that she will not be able to handle me becoming a women. I don't blame her for making that statement as I have asked myself if she was to become a man how would I feel? I guess I would try and see how it goes. I'm not sure where our lives would go. So, how can I ask her to give it a shot without understanding the big picture. My mom has felt the need to run to her side and make the "well being of the kids" the priority. What ever we do the kids my come first. Of course mom and wife. My wife and mother are terrified that I will throw on a dress and start running around town. LOL. This is an exploration of my gender Identity with one goal at hand. To find out what and where I can just be me without the pain and suffering that I have haunted my soul for a lifetime. That is exactly it, MY SOUL and it is finally time to breath. I don't know if we will stay together or divorce but I do know that I will try my best to be the type of human being my family can be proud of. I actually feel like I should let her go so she can be free. Am I holding on out of fear of being alone? Is she trying to hold on out of guilt or shame? Does she want to be free of me? Do I want to be free of her? There are pros and cons on both sides of the list. Do I want to look closely at that list? The last thing I want to do is harm anyone including myself. We will hopefully hash some of this out at the therapy meeting but I know this is going to take time. Somedays I am happy and content to go slow and basically be me as I am now. Other days I am running for the door to transform like Wonder Women spinning around. What is up with that? My GP put me on some non addictive antidepressants to help with the extreme levels of anxiety that I would get once in a while. I felt like a zombie, no real emotions and that was a bummer so I got off them. Plus I just don't like taking pills (yes that is ironic). He gave me something else just to get through the really tough times but I have had no need for them yet. Before I made the commitment to explore my gender farther I had to get to a place in my mind and accept that I will probably lose everything in my life that I love. Or close to it. "If you love something set it free and if it comes back to you it was meant to be". I guess I am going to set her free and give her the freedom to choose without the guilt of me hanging on. Anyway that's the plan and we will see what happens. I am living, I am learning, Am I loving?????? Sometimes it's hard for me to tell what's going on. Christy lets be free.

Christy

Christy

 

Labels

As I near my fourth anniversary on TG Guide I'm feeling a bit reflective. So much water under the bridge! Back then I was on pins and needles posting here as I worried about what I said (or didn't say), what my future might be. I guess I'm getting ahead of myself; I do wish to write another entry when we're closer to the anniversary itself. I've read a lot about labels and how much many people don't like them. If I was non binary I'd certainly understand. I think it would be so hard to walk in their shoes. I talked to a friend a couple of months ago. She's also trans, an MTF woman. She's adamant that she's a woman, nothing more, nothing less. Of course, I was and am perfectly fine with that. But it didn't fit for me. At the time I had been telling myself and anyone who'd listen that I was a transgender woman. In some ways I didn't feel I deserved to be labeled 'woman' without that qualifier and, regardless, I don't share cis women's experience of girlhood, puberty, and all the rest. And, as much as it is at times hard to bear, my face and voice are less identifiably feminine than I'd prefer. But they are what they are and in some ways I'm proud to let my "freak flag fly" as we used to feel back in the early 70s when our hair was long and we felt a solidarity in that. Not that I'm in any way a freak today; it's just that I'm less and less caring about how other people perceive me. Obviously I don't like being misgendered (it happened just this morning at my hotel breakfast in the dining room). I corrected her and we moved on. Hopefully she learned something.  When I talked to my therapist some weeks ago about this they (my therapist, Shannon, is non binary and they/them are their pronouns) they said that we needed to work on my capitalizing woman within my label as in "transgender Woman," to emphasize that I'm a woman first, transgender second. I didn't know how to do that and neither did they. As some know here I've been socializing with several lesbian women over the last few months at dinners, hiking, backpacking, etc., and I've asked them: "when you think or talk to me do you have to remind or monitor yourself to use feminine pronouns?" No, they all said. As far as they are concerned I'm a woman through and through. Cool. Of late I've been trying on a new label that I came up with. It's a bit wordier than I'd like but here it is: "woman with a transgender history." It is a bit longer than I'd like but I'm not sure how to shorten it without losing its meaning: I'm a woman, that's for sure, but I also have a transgender history, and that's for sure too. In a way my label follows "people of color" in that they are "people" first, and "of color" second, which indeed they are. It's like a lightbulb has lit up in my head why many of them prefer that label instead of "black" or other labels.  Maybe as time and experience progresses I'll drop the last part but in the meantime "woman with a transgender history" feels right to me. I rather like it! P.S. I'd also like to make another point. It's nice that Facebook and others have added new gender labels such as "transgender male," "transgender female," etc. I feel that they should also update their traditional labels to "cisgender male," and "cisgender female" which would, I think, force their cis membership to learn and consider something: that they are cis and that, as opposed to their trans counterparts, have their inner gender identity in line with their bodies. Lucky them, I guess, but despite the trials and tribulations of being trans I much prefer my current existence to being a cis male! 

Emma

Emma

 

Sometimes you slide backwards.

I'm having one of my best friends over to see the my new house, the first person I've had here other than the two coworkers that helped us move.  Shes' one of the reasons I wanted to come here, so we'd be close enough to hang out more than twice or three times a year.  And I'm realizing my job has had a deeply negative effect on some of my behaviors.  I know I will enjoy the visit, it will be fun, and still I'm dreading it like mad.  I have this antisocial streak lying underneath a need for company.  I don't even understand my own brain sometimes.  I had mostly gotten it under control, able to realize rationally that I WANT to spend time with people and will have a blast.  And if something happens (the weather is really poor today) I will be slammed with an equally intense feeling of relief and crushing disappointment.  How the heck does my brain process like this???
But the last year, between the hours of the job, not being able to have people over because staying with my odd hoarding mother and then having to get things organized here, I think I reinforced my old habits of solo activity and hermitism.   I'll just have to do to the work, again.  It's a good reminder that disorders and deeply ingrained policy traits can be overcome, but never really 'cured', and you have to nurture the better behaviors.  I seem to have forgotten that.  Meanwhile, I guess I'll just grit my teeth and get through it until she arrives and the joy mode clicks ins.   I really don't know why I do these things to myself, but at least I do better with living with them now than I used to.  That's hope.   Nikki is really excited to have a guest, that helps.  He put a TREMENDOUS effort into the living room, and wants to show off his decorative flair.  I pick a few things I like, and then he sorts out the spatial layout and relations to each other to make it look good.     He's always been better at traditional 'woman skills' than me.  Which reinforced my childhood lived experience opinion that people should be allowed to be who they are, not told what to be based on their bodies.   Going through figuring out what it all meant the day we first had the conversation about 'Yes, i'm going to stop lying about it, I'm transgender" changed a lot of things, both in him, our marriage, and in me.  I'm finally at ease with my internal lack of the resonence with the stereotypical american female.  I hate clothes shopping, I hate makeup, I'm okay with cooking but hate cleaning, and live for video games, table top rpg gaming, and other random things men like.  And now I'm finally okay with that, I didn't realize til we started having the discussions of what it all means that I'd always been really uncomfortable with the feeling at odds with the role that had been hardcored forced on me as a child by family and the shcool system because of my sex.  I'd internalized it.   Rejected it and did what I wanted, but at the same time internalized it and let it negatively impact my self-esteem.  Trying to care for Nikki's self-esteem all these years, especially the last few when he was most vulnerable, has repaired some small amount of the boudler sized damage mine has.  But it's a start.  Hope again I guess.  I feel weirdly naked after this post.  

Briannah

Briannah

 

On again/off again- In and OUT

The next several, haha, fifty plus years, were rather routine and uneventful.  My female identity surfaced again at college, and I enjoyed sleeping in lingerie. That lasted a while until I graduated, got a job and married and divorced.  That was a tough relationship;  can honestly say I don't believe that had any thing to do with my female tendency. Put that on hold again until the very end.  I think I rationalized that I was born cisgender male and proceeded to work to succeed in my biologically given role.  Off again until I travelled for work and got a small wardrobe just the basics, for when I stayed overnight in Hotels.  Only went out dressed rarely and always at night so as night to be seen.  Still loved the feeling and freedom of it, but still didn't commit due to my perceived lack of professional opportunities for woman at the time. Only half a dozen times more during those years on again, off again, on again, off again.  Always purged my female possessions, each time telling myself this is crazy! But I always came back to being me, the girl, the woman.  If I could have earned the same income as a woman back then,  I would have transitioned much earlier without a doubt! Today, things are changing rapidly.  As more people transition, acceptance is increasing although far from where it needs to be!  I can actually imagine sometime in the future, although not in my lifetime, gender choice being a routine part of adolescence.  Employment appears to be more open too. I don't need much income anymore although I will need some, and am in the final stages of phasing out my business .  Well that brings me to now and I'm on again for over a year and I don't believe I will ever go off again. As I step out, too I don't think I'll ever stay in again either!

Jessicatoyou

Jessicatoyou

 

Love the One You're With

Although I live my life as a woman and am comfortable doing just about anything I still experience moments of gender dysphoria. For example, a couple of weeks ago I had a women's clothing "party" at my home where a clothing line's representative presented this Fall's new clothing to myself and four other women. All of us are friends but I was so on edge, comparing myself to them, wondering how much of an imposter I was actually perceived to be. Although I ordered some pretty clothes I was pretty down for the rest of the day and through the following.  I talked about my feelings with everyone - individually - in the coming days. I was surprised to learn that all were also very self-conscious, also comparing themselves to the others. A couple even compared themselves to me as I'm slimmer than them. But my neighbor (Jill) said she wasn't self-conscious at all. She's pretty, about 40, and trim. But is she 'perfect'? No, but she's a delight in every way. Jill said that she decided that she's not going to compare herself, fret about any aspect of herself that she doesn't like to see in the mirror. And that got me thinking. This past Saturday I hiked by myself up Mt. Si (pronounced: "sigh") which is east of Seattle. I had plenty of time to think while hiking the 8 miles to the summit and back which involves 3,100' elevation gain. I thought about Jill's advice. "Rock what you got" came to mind. After all, I chose my middle name "Joy" to copy a young woman's middle name that I knew about 50 years ago. She was pretty and young, a little chubby with thin blonde hair, and introduced herself as "Barbara Joy-to-the-world!". So yeah, let's rock! I also love CSNY's song "Love the One You're With" and it occurs to me that we can turn the lyrics toward ourselves. We are with ourselves of course... all the time. So, I like that too.  So with that in mind I went to The Rack yesterday to buy a pair of black dress shoes to go with a black dress I'm going to wear to a formal dinner later this month. As I wandered the aisles I marveled about how much fear I felt about a year ago when a girlfriend took me to the store. Now, I'm just another shopper, enjoying a fun time. Yes, I found my shoes in size 11! $49!!! Below are a couple of photos. One is my cat, Peanut, playing in the bag from yesterday's shopping spree, and the other I took last night doing my impression of Einstein's famous photo.

Emma

Emma

 

Leap of Faith

This is yet another instalment in the continuing saga of Michelle Lea. As those of you who have been following along may know, I sold my house. It is now under contract with a closing date of October 2. I have had to jump through a few hoops in the matter of repairs to get the deal done, but now it looks like everything is on track--although my realtor tells me that it's not over until the money is in the bank. Nevertheless, I took the plunge, and last week I purchased a mobile home for the princely sum of $15,000. I was going to rent, but I wasn't finding anything that I was willing to afford, and this seemed like just what I was looking for at this point. My primary objective is to cut my overhead so that I can add to savings instead of taking out of savings to live. I will still have some monthly payments in the form of a lot fee, but it is $686, and I think I can swing that. It's cheap living for sure. Now we'll see how I like living in a 55+ community. Hopefully, my neighbours--I have a British spell check-- keep mostly to themselves. If it is awful, I can always sell or rent it and move on, but I think it will be fine. When I say, "leap of faith," what I mean is that I put $5000 down so that I can start moving my stuff during the month of September, and be totally moved in by the end of September. I will pay the balance with the proceeds of the sale of my house. That is the plan. We'll hope for the best.

MichelleLea

MichelleLea

 

Getting Caught!

Well, knew then I just  had to check this out further.  During the next couple of years ( 7th and 8th grades) I found myself home alone for a few hours every day after school, and while others my age were home doing school homework I was doing my own "girl work".  Always had straight A's in school, never had to study  much, but paid close attention to a lot.  You might say both school work and girl work came naturally to me. My sister was 16 years old,  I spent whatever free time I could dressing up and trying on her make up before anyone came home and loving my new-found inner peace.  Her lingerie, shoes and dresses were a perfect fit! And the makeup always felt just right, too. Oh, I still did what the other boys did too, play basketball, football, always excelled in just about everything, too. But my favorite pastime was being a girl. Even had a few girlfriends , non-sexual of course, and loved being around them.  Made me feel pretty!  There was a time when one noticed some mascara or eyeliner on me (apparently I didn't remove it all) and I just fibbed that my sister applied it once because she liked how my lashes looked.  I remember thinking I had to be more careful in the future!  And I was.        I thought...……   Sis came home from school early one day and found some of her clothes and makeup out, and me locked in the bathroom.  Never undressed and washed so quickly, came out and pleaded for her not to tell Mom and Dad. Later that evening Dad calls me into the bedroom and asks me if I wanted to be a girl. I could talk to a shrink if I wanted to. (SHRINK?...no one's gonna shrink my brain) not on my watch at least! That was also the era of shock treatments, lobotomies, and institutions. I wasn't going anywhere!       "  Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo, Dad; that was the only time! "  was my answer.  Put that to bed real quick and didn't start feeling like a girl again until my college days. Never was depressed about it, rarely thought about it either, accepted that is the way things are. 💔    

Jessicatoyou

Jessicatoyou

 

Sorting through a new life.

Starting over is weirdly freeing and oddly disturbing at the same time, whether the scale is large or small.  I really wasnt' sure I would do well when Nikki decided we needed to change EVERYTHING, not just how our marriage worked and my knowing about and understanding his gender fluidity.  As much as it can be understood, he's still learning as he goes too.  But EVERYTHING was going to change.  My home, the jobs, the lifestyle, the diet choices, our clothing, even our hobbies; literally nothing is the same as it was last year.  I'm dealing, but I have fits of depression and weird resentments.  I hadn't realized there were huge parts of my life I was really attached to in a way that I didn't notice every day, just reveled in subconsciously until they were gone.  And finally having to stop lying to myself about the state of my relationship with my maternal family not really being any better than my paternal family, just more discreet about how unhealthy it functions was not surprisingly unpleasant.   I think I can safely say I'm adjusting though, and I suspicion by this time next year I will have adapted and re-normalized.   I sorta envy people who see starting over as a grand adventure and love it.  I just sorta wade through it patiently and pretend I'm having a good time, nothing to see here, move along.  It helps that I love my house, and now that my things are here and starting to settle into place I feel lest lost, as long as I stay downstairs.  Upstairs is still an alien place.  My bed sits in this great big empty room with a bunch of boxes creating a maze I injure myself on nightly trying to get to the bathroom, which is now surprisingly far away.  The other two rooms are literally still empty, and it's weird how that empty plays on my subconscious.   Nikki's love of his new job is becoming problematic, and I work there with him.  But it's company first all the time, and I'm lucky if I get some leftover scraps of attention.  And there is the weird side effect of after weathering the sorting out of the gender issues and not ending up divorced, he's completely comfortable in our marriage.  Comfortable to the point that he takes out all the frustration other people in the company build up in him on me because I'm 'safe' to let it all out on.  Ya'll can imagine how thrilled I am about this new behavior.  Especially since I'd crosstrained to work under him in an effort to try to get more home time (I was a carpool captive).  We have some more marital work to do, it never really ends does it?  As long as you are two people in a relationship, there will ALWAYS be some new problem to work on.  But after I got really quiet at home because I'm tired of talking about work and telling him verbally we needed to do more marriage time and less work time and he finally pushed my temper into reminding him I can be volcanic when pushed when after someone was rude to me and didn't give me the information I needed he didn't even ask what happened, just tried to silence my voice by gas-lighting me that I didn't understand the interaction I was in (and he wasn't) and I let him know clearly that was so not happening EVER AGAIN, he's working on it with me.  Which makes me realize that old, underlying problem is still there, I can tell him about a problem until I'm blue in the face, but until it affects him by me puling away or losing my temper on him, he doesn't take it seriously.  I'm thinking of suggesting marital counseling once he settles back into individual therapy for the dysthymia again.  20 years or marriage doesn't make anyone immune to the need for a little help sometimes.  On the plus side he's working on reducing his addiction to constant electronic entertainment and actually exploring our new area with me.  There is a REALLY pretty town a bit south of us (stupid expensive to live in, and close enough to drive to form where we live but the commute would have been overmuch) with a lovely bookstore.  Since my town has none.  So that's a fun place to go.  We're going to go to this super bizarre almost tourist attraction grocery store either this weekend or next, adn the space museum (Nikki loves Nasa stuff). I hope they have a planetarium at the space museum, I do love a good planetarium I must admit.   I guess all in all I'm fine, life is just continuing to happen both to me and around me.   But the scenery outside is better.  I have a super awesome hangout porch now to enjoy the last days of summer drifting by.  The neighbors have been pleasant to us, and he said hello to me as he got home and I was reading a book on the porch and we had a nice conversation.  So much better than the crazy, half dressed, theiving ones from our former town.  I"m moving up in the world!    

Briannah

Briannah

 

Where do I Start?

I have always known that I would be transitioning at some point in my life; just not when.  That question has been answered and become quite evident to me within the past year.  There are many reasons why it took so long but that really doesn't matter now.  I don't have any regrets until now as I've been blessed with a good and fulfilling life except my only regret is I did not go after it many, many years ago.  Think it would have been even more fulfilling. Things were soooo different in the 70's and 80's.  I was never one to dwell on the past, only look and plan for the future.  So if I refer to myself in this and future blogs as... when I was a little girl... that was my mindset then, as it continued into womanhood and evolved to now . My first experience ,"when I was a little girl", (I just love saying that), was sometime between 11-13 years old when Halloween was coming and someone had the idea to dress me up as a girl.  Real clothes, complete make-up, shoes, panty hose, wig, even underwear and bra, nail polish, toes too!    A dab of perfume really did the trick. Think I already had feminine characteristics, lean body, big eyes, long eyelashes, nice smile.  THAT feeling has never left me.  Went on trick or treating and realized just about no one knew I wasn't a little girl, some even asked why I didn't have a costume! Well going to end this for now; UPS just delivered, my red shoes.  Got to try them on.  Love shoes, dresses, everything  feminine, and have built up quite a wardrobe...but will get to that in later blogs.  Love

Jessicatoyou

Jessicatoyou

 

My return

I know it’s been a while but I’m finally back. I have talked to my mom privately about what I want. She completely understands which is great. She just wants me to be sure if it’s truly what I want before coming out to the rest of my family. She wants to help me experiment first before making my final decision which is fair. First step is we both will get our nails/toes painted together. 

Frank09

Frank09

 

Should You Move?

Recently I commented on someone's post about being bullied, and, literally, I was bullied in the public library by two teenage girls only 15 minutes later! That evening, I called a T/LGB Warmline to discuss this idea further. First of all, I believe, due to the current Administration, that T/LGBs will encounter an increase in bullying, no matter where they live. The first thing is that you deserve to be welcome, not just tolerated.  Be sure your overall situation improves with each move. Thus the first question:  do you feel welcome, not just tolerated, where you live? As in dating potential partners, you should look for red flags, when you explore places to live.  These can not be explored only on the Internet (although that is a good place to start!) or on a casual, brief vacation.  You are not visiting on a vacation; you are exploring to see if this is a place where you want to spend the next several years of your life!  Please visit for a minimum of a week.  Ride public transportation, if you don't drive, visit the local T/LGB Center (ask questions!), look at housing that you can afford (in my case, public housing), etc. Do consider carefully what size town you would be most comfortable in.  In a small town, often, "everyone knows everyone."  It has been my experience in small towns that most people are partnered, and it can be uncomfortable living there if you are single.  Many singles date through online dating websites rather than people who live in town. Large cities are the opposite.  There are many residents who are single, but often they are not seeking a committed relationship.  However, large cities have neighborhoods, where people find community.  They have many organizations to explore. Medium sized cities seem to have the best of both worlds. Questions To Ask The Locals Do you like living at this apartment complex? Is there anything I should know about personal safety?  How is crime here? What are the average rents here (for studio, one bedroom, two bedroom, etc.) for apartments? How expensive are houses here?  Are housing/rent prices going up (you may need a longer lease or buy a house sooner than later). Is there public housing here?  Is it owned by the city/county/federal government or privately managed/owned?  Usually city/county/federal government owned public housing includes electricity/gas and private does not, and is better maintained. Do you have easy access to banks, supermarkets, stores, and a variety to choose from?  Go into stores and supermarkets and price the items there, to be sure you can afford buying in a particular town. Do you have quality hospitals, doctors and dentists nearby that take your insurance? Is the mail secure?  If not, is the Post Office convenient and offers Post Office boxes at a reasonable price? Observe the vibe - do you feel you will likely fit in here? If you do not drive, is the town "walkable," and offers good, affordable public transportation? Are a variety of support and social groups that meet regularly available? Is there an active T/LGB Center with a wide variety of affordable activities nearby? Are the police, fire and emergency medical technicians sensitive and supportive? If you work, are there career opportunities in your field available that pay a good wage?   Would like very much to hear about your experiences in moving.  Thank you.

MonicaPz

MonicaPz

 

Time passes

It's been away since visiting this site and would have been longer accept for getting several email messages for posts I have subscribed too. The main reason for not being here is life is good and with nearly three years post-op I go months without even thinking about transgenderism. It use to be a daily thought because is took time for my new life to settle in. What's not to like? Well when out in the backcountry of Oregon with the Miata club I drive with when there are no port-a-potties sometimes finding a decent place to relieve myself is not always easy. Explaining to a gynecologist, nope I have not had a hysterectomy, see page three of my application (notes I'm transgender), "Oh I'd never guess". Lessons to others, if you do have full surgeries to become the inner you then and do it right (which granted is not always easy) by pre-planning and learning to adjust/fit in you have a good chance to get to that place where you have days that not being a cisgender female never crosses your mind. People (friends) who know will give say things like "you are such a girl" and you have that inner glow. In closing, one of the best things happened to me recently, my son called and said "Karen" I'm planning a trip to Oregon (he lives in California) can I stay over for a night? Day one here we spent the day together which included a run in my Miata, did lunch and dinner along with talking about stuff. Never called me Dad, always Karen. This was the first time he has seen me since my surgery other than photos I've sent him. All in all no downsides to his stay for two days. My daughter is also accepting of my transition but since she is on the East Coast it's mostly talking on the phone. Last time she saw me was one year before my transformation. So I'm a happy woman now and hope the best for those on their own journey not matter the path.   

KarenPayne

KarenPayne

 

Almost Done

My house is sold—sort of. I have a contract, but the lady—a judge—could back out over the inspection report which found some evidence of termites and roof leaks. I have not seen the final report yet, but it seems the repairs will come to around $3500. It could be worse. I have already sunk 3200 into remodelling the bathroom and fixing the damage to my patio. Anyway, you do what you have to do. I think it will go through. The closing date is October 2 which is good for me as it will give me time to find a place to live and get packed and ready to go. I have seen some manufactured homes for sale that are pretty inexpensive, but I am still being advised to rent at this point. I will see what I can do. So, that’s what’s happening on that front. I am still plugging away at AFLAC and opening little accounts—one last week and it looks good for one this week. I am waiting until I get moved to make any big decisions about new employment. I would like AFLAC to work, but I have to be realistic as well. We’ll see. My step-daughter arrives next Thursday to help me get packed. I’m going to give her a lot of her mom’s things, so we’ll get that ready to ship. I am packing away my feminine things while she is here—only three days—so no big hardship. I don’t want to deal with that issue now—or ever maybe. All in all, I seem to be holding my own. The adventure continues. For sure.

MichelleLea

MichelleLea

 

Working it out

I came out to my wife almost 2 weeks ago and life has been very stressful. My doctor put me on anti depression meds for a short time to help me get through this. It seems to help but I will get off of them ASAP. I hate taking anything like that. My wife was shocked and had no idea so it has been hard. She is open to therapy but we only went once together but hopefully she will go on her own. I have been up and down from feeling very relieved and at peace to feeling like I have made the biggest mistake of my life! I know there will be ups and downs but today we talked for a bit and she told me that if I want to transition all the way she wants no part of it. She wants no part of the trans community at all. She knows nothing about being transgender and can’t understand this at all. I think we are heading for divorce and maybe that is for the best in the long run but only time will tell. It is scaring me quite a bit, this unknown future. What will life be like? I worry about my boys all the time. What if this all a mistake? What if I regret transition? Will I be alone? Will I find love? What will I look like? She said I already look different and I can see it bothers her but I’m still in boy mode. I am afraid that if she sees me naked she will freak out. I told her all of these fears. I don’t think she loves me anymore, our marriage was on the rocks for some time now because of all my drinking. She believes me that being transgender was the cause for my drinking (the way I coped) but the trust is not there. I will give her space and try to help her with understanding if she is open but I have to be cautious because my boys don’t know yet. Uhmmm I am stressing out writing this.....I want to run. I want to scream. I want to laugh. I want to just snuggle up with my wife. Hold her...have her hold me. I want to cry but I can’t. I guess I’m just going to start implementing my life plan for transition. I know I want to fully transition, ffs, grs. I have since I was 7 or 8 trying to get rid of my male parts. (Nothing dangerous) I know it is pointless but I can’t stop thinking about the past. Why didn’t I just do this when I was 20 and moved to Hollywood.  Why didn’t I ask the beautiful transgender girl that showed up at my house one day? My roommate brought her home for me not knowing she was transsexual. What it does prove to me is that I am in that same spot only this time I’m not going to hide again. I can’t. It will kill my soul. So I will trudged this road to the destination which is unknown but I will try my best to enjoy the trip and survive. I am a survivor, I always have been but this is testing me to my core. At least I have friends and my parents. One more day  Christy

Christy

Christy

 

We survived moving day 1.0!

Unfortunately, there will be a 2.0, as our friend's big trailer was unavailable, but he brought the 'smaller one' and we moved most of it.   So we're going back Saturday with him again (he's so sweet, volunteered to do it again for us!) and get the last of it.  I can't find anything, unpacking is really random, but it feels great to be here.  This town is amazing!  People are REALLY friendly here.  When I smile and say hello to random strangers they stop and strike up a conversation instead of looking at you funny and hurrying away like our last city.  And it's a pretty little town.  The house is wonderful, and we're slowly settling in box by box.   Nikki says hello to everyone!

Briannah

Briannah

 

Moving On Update

We had two showings on the house yesterday, and the feedback was very positive. One party is still debating over my house and another one. At this point, I hope they pick the other one. There are still some finishing touches to be done, and my guy is starting tomorrow with them. It will also help us pass inspection when that time comes. Besides, I am not quite ready to move, although that is rapidly becoming out of my hands. I did talk to Ricki Barr who was introduced to me by Monica. She felt that I should definitely seek some financial advice when the house does sell so that I make the best use of the money and avoid tax issues. Not a bad idea at all. We could have chatted all night, but I am in somewhat of a time crunch and had things that needed doing. I started writing down the addresses of places I find on the internet, and as I'm out and about, I am going to check them out. They look good in the ads, but I have to see what the neighbourhood is like. I want to live where I don't have to fear for my life. I am pretty much of a recluse, so I don't think I'll have to worry too much about my future neighbours (my grammar/spelling checker must be British)--as long as they mind their own business. My stepdaughter, Jilly, is coming for a visit on the 24th to help me pack. I am giving a lot of dishes and knickknacks to her, and it will be helpful to have her here to select what she wants. What I don't keep or give to the kids is being donated or thrown. I am trying to purge. I have to pack all my feminine things before she gets here, though. She's pretty conservative, and I don't want the hassle. I feel it's best kept a secret for now. Later.

MichelleLea

MichelleLea

 

It's almost over.

YAY!  We're closing on the house Tuesday!!!!  Then on Saturday a coworker friend we've been making is coming all the way up here to help us move.  He's aware of my hernia issue and my ability to live/carry things being compromised and wanted to help Nikki out and I'll just be organizing and using the wagon I won last year at a picnic giveaway (I love that collapsible canvas wagon, they are the best things ever!  Lightweight, maneuverable, but roomy and strong!).  

I"M MOVING!   One more week here at crazy mom's and I"ll be free.   Nikki will be able to have whatever girl time he wants, I'll be able to get out of a corner (I literally have spent the last year either in bed or living in my computer corner of the sunroom with occasional visits to the bathroom as needed) and walk around the house, NO CARPETS (they are really unhealthy to people with asthma and allergies), it's going to be lovely!  We don't own a couch right now due to cancer kitty's issues at the end so we're still going to be on high savings mode to get some things we need for it after buying it, but that's okay.  Especially with all the overtime I'm working lately.  Nikki's salary, he just has to do it, I get financial rewards.   Sometimes it pays to be hourly!    Nikki is going to set up my rowing machine and dance dance revolution game as a sort of home gym for me to get back on the health improvement bandwagon.   I think I am going to try to find a therapist that does late evening appointments though.  I'm not in the right head-space, and I"ve lost a lot of internal ground as well as need to pursue Nikki's theory that was misdiagnosed add instead of adhd.  There might be more behavioral therapy appointments in my future as I was never able to conquer some of the aspects of my disorder, and if they were treating it wrong that would explain a bit.  IF not, meh, we all have a few personal failings.  But right now it's joy to the Bree cuz I survived!    Moving day will probably be less stressful this time with the extra help too. : )

Briannah

Briannah

 

Freedom found

Hello all! Well I just spent a couple of days up in Asheville NC and allowed myself to present as female more than I ever had before. Still very tomboy ish but hey I was with my little one and didn’t want to freak him out. Plus that just me. I still haven’t had the talk with him yet so I needed to keep the presentation at a minimum until I tell him out right. He was fine with the way I looked and didn’t say anything. We had a great time with lots of laughs and fun eating at great restaurants. There are many fantastic artists there as well so that was inspirational for both of us. This was the first time I allowed myself to push the envelope so to speak. Girly jeans(hips), tight top(boobs), a very little bit of makeup, sandals with nails all polished (toes too), cap for the bad hair and using a slightly slightly slightly more feminine voice. I was just letting out the real me a bit more then I had before. The crazy thing is that I wasn’t trying to act more feminine it just came out pretty naturally(except for the voice). I guess I wasn’t thinking about how to act whether it be male or female. I wasn’t presenting for the world and wondering whether people bought the sales pitch, I was just being me. It helps that I know not a soul in that area. There were some questionable looks but nothing bad just people trying to figure me out and everyone was pleasant too me and my boy. In the small times that I felt awkward ish I just remembered to stay confident with myself. To look people in the eye and speak clearly. Hold my head up high without being a phony or pushy. Just be the fun happy person you are! That’s it. This experience gave me the confidence to move forward with transition in other areas of my life. I think I can move forward with my plan for coming out. I am no longer stuck. The crazy thing is that a bunch of events happened along the way to make this easier for me. Kind of like the universe helping me out. I will have a sit down conversation with my parents this week and tell them what my general plan is because they are my main support group. If and when they are comfortable I will set a time to tell my wife. I will give everyone time to absorb the information and decide what this means for them and if they want to be a part of my life in the future. I have gotten to a place mentally where I’m ok if nobody accepts me. I have built my social network up from scratch at least 4 times in my life so I’m pretty confident I can do it again and I do like a challenge (Family was always solid). I have done a lot of research on being transgender/transsexual from others experiences and the medical world but I’m still learning. One thing that fascinates me is the DES son issue. I am almost positive that my mom was given the drug while pregnant with me and I will ask her about it when we have our talk. I need to be careful though as I don’t want her to blame herself for what I have been dealing with over the years (or my dad). I do want to know just for myself and if she passes away suddenly  I’ll never know. She has always been a ball of stress and from what I have been reading that can cause hormonal fluxes but I’m NOT blaming anyone. She was under tremendous stress while pregnant with me. I have been helping her with that for years and she will call me for guidance at times. I love being me and when the world gets to see the real me it responds back in a positive way. I just need to get out of my own way I guess. The future is a mystery and I am excited for it. Thank you Asheville!  Christy👩🏼‍💼

Christy

Christy

 

Why is buying a house so freakin' hard.

Feel free to ignore me, I'm just venting to try not to explode.  I'm super frustrated as we're so close to escaping my froot loopy idea to stay with my mom (man, I moved back into my awful childhood, what was I thinking that this would work out okay???) and it feels like everyone is trying to stop me.  First Nikki got mad at me: my fault, and sorta not my fault, I was trying to do research, I didn't realize any mortgage brokers were going to CALL HIM I thought I was just gathering intel or I would have told him what I was up to, he was blindsided and annoyed.   I wasn't trying to jumpstart anything, but I did.  Just like we bought the first house by accident, we sorta started on this path again by accident.  But once he got over the shock of what I was up to, and I was able to talk it out with him about having had the talks at work to make sure they are keeping me, getting made formally a full time actual employee, and making sure my income and position are secure, and running the numbers, I realized we COULD afford the second mortgage for cheaper than the apartment we were trying to find that would take fat pooch.  (most of them have a weight limit of 35 pounds, at her skinniest my poochie is 42 pounds).  And can I just say landlords, crazy laziness makes you look like froot loops, the 35 to 50 pound cat limits are nuts.  What do you think we have, cougars?  So Nikki got on board faster than I did and I was the one researching the option.  Then I got panicky and Nikki had to gently shove me back into the mindset that we're going to do this.  And, of course, I had to put my 20th anniversary budget into the downpayment instead.  So if we don't sell other house, no anniversary glory for me, I'll just try to move my expectations to the 25th.  That's a big milestone too.   Then there was the actual house hunting, the ups and downs of trying to match desire to budgets. That sucked.  And of course I fall for one higher than we wanted, but still affordable and cheaper monthly than the apartment we were looking at.  But she fits my criteria (two bathrooms, nice kitchen cuz since we started dash living has mattered more and more), room for my pool, and lots of room, its' big) and Nikki's criteria (mostly move in ready, nice yard, older architecture, central air), and in our target chosen dream town we wanted to go to on a lovely street.   Then we made the offer, on the same day that someone else did!  Some jerk bid on my house!  And I went into a tailspin of this isn't going to happen and trying to divorce myself from my emotional attachment to it, only to get it.  LOL   Then there was a long wait for inspections, vacations, appraisals, and some sort of unreasonably long wait for the title agency to do thier thing that had the seller,  us, the realtor, and our lender all cranky about the hold up.  NOW there is some wibbling with the underwriters about the electricity in the living room.  I've lived iwth the sockets not working in my current house forever, why in hell would this be a dealbreaker for me now?  *cranky*  So I sent the home inspection that says it does, but there is a problem with teh elctrical box, with the seller is fixing, so I probably now have to wait for the realter to get a statement from the electrician before I can close and move.   I just want to go.  Living here is sucking out my soul, and as  usual here is the only place I can admit that.  I probably need to go back into therapy once we're down to one mortgage because I am so not okay in my head, and I've go SO far backwards inside.  I can't even tell anyone with a connection closer than the other side of the internet that I'm not okay, which is old me and hasn't been a problem for ages for me.  Nikki has no idea how bad it is in my head, and I can't make myself say it.  And writing even here is scary because that stupid little voice that is out to get us in our heads is all "Emma knows your phone number, you can end up having to talk about this voice to voice".  Even though I rationally know Emma would ask first.   I hope moving will make it better.  Nikki will be massively happy.  Nikki wants less commute, girl time, and less asthma problems for me (no carpet in the new house, carpet all over here).  I just want time to rebuild myself into who I actually made myself without the influence of my family and moving back into those influences.  I need out, I think I'm slowly imploding.  

How much longer can it take to get the green light to move really?   When did I lose everything inside I worked so hard to gain?   It's a weird time in my head, because I'm gaining a sense of self-worth through my job I've never had before, while reinforcing all the things that made sure I never had one at home at the same time.  I'm back and forth between really happy and really miserable.   In other words, life is happening I guess.

Briannah

Briannah

 

Moving On

It's been one year since my wife died--yesterday to be exact. It has certainly been a year of adjustment for me. I have had to deal with loss for sure, but it has also allowed me to come out and express myself and to be more honest about who and what I am. That has been very liberating, and the friends I have made on this site have been there with me with their sage advice and wisdom. It is much appreciated. Now today, I have made another big step in listing my house for sale. Initially, I had been hoping to keep it a while longer, but unfortunately, my income from AFLAC has not been enough to meet my expenses, and I need to downsize. Frankly,  I don't need this big a house--not that it's that big--but it has a fair size yard, and all my free time seems to be spent maintaining it. I still have a little left in savings, and I want to get out while I still have a cushion. I plan to rent a mobile home locally for a while to see how that goes and how I like it. I can move anywhere now, but would kind of like to stay in Florida. Anyway, I'll keep writing about the experience--I have a lot of stuff to get rid of for starters.
 

On the brink

I am on the edge of my seat. I am going to transition, I want to transition and I’m ready to deal with the outside world. My wife and kids are the only thing stopping me. I am stuck! I am stuck! I am stuck! Some days I just want to blurt it out and I have been really close at times. But I don’t want to be selfish. Blurting it out seems like it will shock everyone. I feel like it’s getting into a hot bath. Everyone needs to ease into the tub. Maybe I’m just procrastinating. Then other days it seems like the world will come crashing down upon my life and love ones. So I have to step back for a bit until it passes.  I will say that on a positive note my body has been changing, boobs are becoming obvious and I don’t hide them. My butt is filling out hips, skin, hair is soft but short, laser. Etc. I am healthier now then I have been in a long time. But I am stuck!!! Christy🤯

Christy

Christy

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