MonicaPz

Warren, Really enjoyed your video and love your new haircut! Monica

Dear Warren, About the job . . . if they do not call you by the end of the week, you call THEM and ask about the status of your application. If they have hired someone else, you let them know you wish the other person well, but if they can, to keep your application, and if they have a future opening, to please consider you. Now that I understand you are paying rent, then she is your LANDLADY, and she is being very unprofessional. Please don't give up looking for a job . . . commit to yourself that you will look for work and a place to live EVERY DAY. Why look for an apartment when you do not yet have a job? So that when you get a job, you will have a short list of acceptable apartments that you can consider, especially one near the job. Long commuting distances have been proven to deter job retention. May I ask, does your boyfriend consider himself a Straight or Gay man? Do you consider yourself a Straight or Gay man? From my interaction with you and looking at your pictures (I have very sensitive "Gaydar"), you come across as a Straight man. Of course, I could be wrong. Don't give up! Looking forward to hearing about your housing and job searches! May I suggest you hold yourself accountable to your friends here at TGGuide. We are all rooting for you! Your friend, Monica

Dear Warren, You are in a VERY toxic environment. It seems she sees you as the most vulnerable person in her life, so she dumps on you. Am concerned that, as a man, you are establishing a history of allowing a woman to boss you about. Fear you may become a milque toast, and I have seen such men, not having respect for themselves. Am praying you get the job in security, as I think you would be very good at it. May I ask, does this happen in front of your boyfriend? Does he give you support in this, at least in private? She may be angry because if you identify as a man, she will see her son as a Gaymale. Sounds like she is extremely homophobic. First things first. Do everything you can to get a good job and KEEP IT. Never leave a job until you have another one waiting, as you want to avoid gaps in your resume. Challenge you to write a Pro/Con sheet . . . one for "If I Stay," and another for "If I Leave." Example of a Pro/Con sheet: IF I STAY PRO CON I live here rent free I am abused regularly The location is near my work I don't like her cooking She does my laundry She humiliates me in front of others If the "con" list is twice, three times or four times longer than the "pro" list, then I think your gut is speaking to you loud and clear. About living "rent free." First, you always want to pay rent of some kind for your self-respect (even if "rent-free" is offered to you). Second, YOU ALWAYS PAY RENT, IN ONE FORM OR ANOTHER, even as being someone's emotional punching bag. In my opinion, your job is to become employed and STAY employed. A job is more than a paycheck . . . it is a source of self-esteem! Warren, you are in my prayers. YOU DESERVE GOOD THINGS IN YOUR LIFE! Your friend, Monica

Karen, Would love to see a picture of you with your new hair cut! Am a fan of Stevie Nicks! Am getting my hair cut first week of July, in an "angle cut" (think of Barbara Streisand! LOL!) Monica

Karen, What saddens me is that this discourages my inviting any of my TLGB friends here. Also, when I am dating, I can't give a "positive spin" on where I live, as I would not invite a dog here. Have to retract my offer for you (and everybody else!) to visit, because of the obvious. It seems to get better in my building and in downtown Beacon, and get worse in Wappingers Falls. Thank God I no longer live there. The dormitory has been closed and, God forbid, the landlord rented the dormitory quarters to ANOTHER Mexican family! LOL! Not enough for the landlord to bring queers into town! LOL!! Public transit outside of major cities is seen as "for losers." Many passengers are angry because their license was suspended (probably this lady's problem), "DUI Bicycle Club members," and the disabled. Public transit passengers are seen as "second class citizens." This is THEIR problem, and they are welcome to take their lousy attitudes, walk PAST my bus stop, and wait at another bus stop. Unfortunately, I am seen as a second class person in the dating scene because I am in public housing (although very high quality . . . you can't tell it is public housing by looking at it), low income (I have always paid my own bills) and disabled. Am discouraged because I feel I can't bring much "to the table" except that I am a kind and supportive person, which is of little value in today's society. This is why if I stay, I hope to find a long distance relationship (I would get together with her physically every three or four months, but maintain contact every day or couple of days). Monica

Eve, Nothing like ladies having a good time! Monica

Dear Karen, Some in the Lesbian community and here at TGGuide have shared with me that I need to move to a more cosmopolitan area. Am taking two courses in "Conscious Girlfriend," to gain more insight into myself. For some reason, the incident on the bus is "sticking to me," and I can't seem to shake it off. Have talked to several people and can't find closure. Like where I live for PHYSICAL reasons but somehow my spirit is dying. Don't know how to say that politely. Think small towns are oppressive. Your friend, Monica

Karen, Understand your fear of being bullied, as I have been there. But to be armed to the hilt . . . makes it too easy to answer words with a bullet . . . that you can't call back. A lot of adult bullying occurs in the recreation rooms of senior apartment complexes. Thankfully, we have finally gotten an assistant social worker that attends ALL gatherings there, and puts a stop to it before it starts. Also find a lot of senior on senior and adult bullying at bus stops, on the bus, subway platforms and subways, due to the lack of policing. In this case, if I am a witness or a victim, I get off at the next stop and start calling the authorities. If there is a physical altercation, I call the police. Have lived in big cities and small towns, and find it is worse in small towns, especially if they are deteriorating, because people who live in deteriorating small towns/neighborhoods feel the "newcomers" (usually from the big cities) are "destroying" their small town, which is really deteriorating because of neglect. Despite the advances in TLGBT rights, for every advance, there is a backlash. Feel my recent experience on the bus (from a former neighbor) is because of the passage of the law for TLGBTs right to marry on the federal level. She was upset that people of color and a Lesbian moved into "her" neighborhood. That is the problem when you buy property . . . neighborhoods change whether you like it or not, and our society is become more transitory than ever, making it more likely there will be significant change earlier than later. Karen, have you thought about law enforcement? Wish you were there is these situations! Have you considered teaching a class about empty-hand self-defense from bullies? Your friend, Monica

The two most popular "free" dating websites are OkCupid ("OkC") and Plenty of Fish ("PoF"), with feedback from people preferring PoF over OkC because PoF has a higher number of members. Remember, you are PAYING for the so-called "free" websites by giving them your private information (check their terms of usage) and they accept advertising that usually shows up on sidebars and above and below their content. Be aware that when you "delete" your profile, often it is not removed. Be prepared to CALL customer service to ask for it to be removed, and ask them to remove it while you are on the phone with them. Many dating websites maintain so-called "dead" profiles to artificially inflate their membership numbers. "Free" dating websites usually do not have telephone customer service. Dating websites tend to favor those who are physically attractive and have high income levels. Some who don't photograph well or who have lower incomes may do better at meetups or gender conferences. Be aware when you upload pictures that they will FILL UP the viewer's screen, showing every little detail. If possible, have a friend take multiple pictures of you doing the things you enjoy, in a variety of clothing, making sure there is at least one good head, waist high and full body shot. Be wary of scammers. Do NOT send money under ANY circumstances! Do not be discouraged when you get few replies, because there are many "dead" profiles from people who thought they deleted them, but they weren't. Focus on profiles that are featured under, "New Members This Week," "New Members Near You," "Who's On IM (Instant Messaging)," and "Who's Online." These are most likely "live" profiles of current members. Take the time to carefully READ the profile of the member you are responding to, and to write a PERSONALIZED (not canned!) response. If you are transgender, you need to mention this in your profile and replies. THINGS NOT TO DISCUSS AND TO AVOID: Do not share your income (not even checking your "income bracket"). Do not mention any kind of disability (not even checking off "disability"). Do not mention anything NEGATIVE. Avoid "Too Much Information" ("TMI"). When you meet, you will have plenty of time to share details. Be aware users can look up your profile on OTHER dating websites based on your photographs and by quoting contents of your profile. Be honest. You hurt others and yourself because you want to attract others who will like you for you, not for someone you are pretending to be. Do not discuss your work. This includes pictures of you at work and in uniform. Do not include pictures of others (especially children!), with or without permission. Do not upload photographs of your home(s), property, cars or of yourself wearing expensive jewelry, etc. Remember, it behooves you to learn all you can about Internet dating, because one out of five couples meet through internet dating websites. Suggest trying PoF and OkC for six months, and, if no success, try paid websites. Have found making friends with partnered couples, because, for some reason, they tend to know well put together singles. Let them know you are looking! http://www.TGPersonals.com (Free, and found wonderful friends there!). For men and women. http://www.PinkWink.com (Great deal for $39.95 a YEAR, excellent customer service, and, best of all, VERY trans-friendly!). Lesbians only. http://www.lastinglesbianlove.com (Blog and although written for Lesbians only, great advice for anyone). VERY trans-friendly! http://www.youhaulher.com (Again, blog and although written for Lesbians only, great advice for anyone). Wishing the best for all those who seek love, that they may find it!

Michele, We are all in transition, in many different ways, during our lifetime. It is called GROWTH. Also, we mature faster in some areas than in other areas. It is like a freshman high school student taking not only freshman classes, but also some sophomore, some junior and some senior classes. We are, indeed, a work in progress . . . Monica

Dear Karen, In my opinion you are BOTH his father (or WERE his father) AND his co-mother (along with your ex-wife). He needs your help to deal with the PAST (his father) and his PRESENT (his co-mother). Your friend, Monica

Karen, Wish I lived on the west coast. If you are ever on the east coast, I would love to show you Beacon, New York! Monica

The other article on Lesbian Connection that hit me between the eyes was about relationships. ""Where are all the 'real' women?" "I just want someone to be honest and authentic!" "No one I meet knows how to listen and go deep!"" "We offer dating and relationship classes for women, and it's amazing how often we hear this kind of thing from the Lesbians we work with. We have some good news, and some bad news. First - what you find out there is pretty much always a reflection of what you're bringing. Now the good news - when you learn to show up with the beautiful, deep, vulnerable, self-responsible "realness" you seek, you can often magically elicit that same level of authenticity from others. (No, not from everyone. But from many women - more than enough!)" "For example, years ago I went on a first date with a woman who seemed promising. She was a writer, she was smart, she was funny, and I was attracted to her. But something wasn't going quite right. She just kept talking and talking. Every time I made a comment, or tried to interject something about myself, she'd launch into another story." "At first it was okay, because her stories were interesting. But as this went on, I started to wonder: Does she always just go on and on like this? Is she really conceited, or is she just nervous? Does she just not like me? What gives? And as more time passed I thought: If this is how it's going to be, I don't want to date her. What's wrong with her? Doesn't she notice she's hogging all the conversational space? Why doesn't she know how to listen? Does she even know I'm here?" Then, after a while, a familiar litany started up in my head: What's wrong with me? Why do I always end up with women who don't know how to listen? Maybe I am too picky. Maybe I'm destined to be alone. While all these thoughts, fears and frustrations were going through my head, on the outside I was nodding, smiling, being polite, saying "Mmm-hmm," and still trying to get a word in edge-wise about my own life, too." "What I was not doing was - being real." "I wasn't taking the risk to tell my date what I was really thinking and feeling. That means I was giving up at the starting gate and not even giving her the chance to go deeper with me. And I wasn't sharing with her the authenticity that I longed for." "How many times have you found yourself in a similar situation? And how many times have you broken through it by getting more real yourself? If your answers are "a lot," and, "none," you're not alone! Most of us simply don't know how to be that honest, especially with someone we don't know well. Yet how are we ever going to get to know someone well, if we aren't honest with them? It's quite a conundrum!" "So let's take a look at what I might have said on that date: "You know, I'm starting to feel really confused and kind of sad because I find you attractive, but it feels like our conversation is just going one way - and I'm really not sure why, or how to change that." ""You've got a lot of great stories, but I would really like it if we could switch gears and talk about what's going on between us right now. I'm finding myself starting to have some familiar thoughts and feelings that are keeping me from really being here with you."" ""I was really looking forward to this date, but I feel like something isn't going quite right for me in our conversational flow, and I would love it if we could talk about that together and try to change it. Would you be up for that?"" "You'll notice that in each of these statements, I used "I - language" - that is, I'm trying to talk about what I am feeling, rather than make accusations or assume I know what's going on for my date. When you make I - statements, it's easier for someone to hear you - and it makes it less likely she'll argue or get defensive. And, most importantly, by talking about what I feel and want, I am being vulnerable and real. I am offering my date the chance to go deeper with me - if she's able and willing." "As I said before, some women won't choose to take you up on that offer. But some will. And for most of us, all it really takes is one!" "Fast-forward to when I met my partner, M. I can still remember a few key moments when I took these kinds of risks, and she followed, and we ended up connecting much more deeply, because of it. Sometimes it was by e-mail (which for some of us is easier). In fact, that's how I first told her I loved her! But other times it was in person. Once, it was when we were in bed and things just weren't working well for me. Another time, I was having some doubts about whether we should keep seeing each other because I was afraid she felt more for me than I did for her. And every time I took the risk and told her - in an honest, vulnerable and present-moment way - what was happening inside me, she met me there. And that's a huge part of why we celebrated our eighth anniversary - and why we keep growing and going deeper together every day!" "And it's also a big part of why we started our website (http://www.consciousgirlfriend.com), in order to help Lesbians who are struggling with relationships, learn how to create deep connection. We offer coaching, retreats and classes, such as "Communicate and Be Heard," and, "Take Charge of Your Relationship Destiny."" - R. Found this an excellent article, and I would like to make some comments. Feel the writer was engaging in what I call "emotional masturbation," also known as "diarrhea of the mouth." Most of the time, this is caused by runaway anxiety, and R. did an excellent job of supporting her date to get a grip on her anxiety, instead of stressing her further by trying to get a word in edgewise. The other comment I have is that R. is a butch, and her partner is a fem, and butches have to be sensitive to how fems perceive a relationship. Fems, are, by nature, more sensitive than butches, and expect butches to gently lead the relationship. Forgive me, but it is the butch's job to pleasure the fem in bed, but I applaud this butch for having a conversation about it, instead of breaking the relationship off. In my opinion, I find people (not just Lesbians) don't give a relationship a chance to bloom, looking for every excuse to break it off, for fear of intimacy. How do I get past this? Building friendships, sometimes for months and even years, to build emotional safety for both. As I am getting older, I realize I have to speed it up a little bit. With the love of my life, we were friends for two years before we became romantically involved, and we slowly went about it. Not a big fan of Internet dating websites, as I use touch (in the respectful way) and touch is my major communication tool. Highly recommend Dr. Gary Chapman's book, "The Five Languages of Love," even though it was written for Straight people.

Dear Karen, Just my two cents . . . Women mostly have orgasms by the clitoris, "G" spot and cervix being stimulated. One or any of these areas will bring a woman to orgasm. In the case of transwoman, the head of the penis is made of the same tissue as the cervix. Honestly, I do not know from what tissue does the surgeon use to create the clitoris, but that is the most sensitive (sometime too sensitive!) part of my sexual organs. Had sensitivity in the cervix, G spot and clitoris, but have had heard of women with sensitivity in only one place, a few places, all the places in the sexual organs, and sometimes in places that had nothing to do with the sexual organs, such as the nipples. Of course, the most important sex organ is between the ears (the brain). Your friend, Monica

Dear Warren, Would like to add to Karen and Christie, one more thing. Think we ALL sometimes feel uncomfortable when things are going right, that we don't deserve it. When we find true love, often we do something to sabotage it. Also, I think we ALL sometimes feel like frauds, and thus do not deserve the good things in our lives. The above feelings have to be addressed in therapy, as often this comes from abuse in EARLY CHILDHOOD, where we are not conscious of the dynamics. Had to struggle with the above myself, as I was abused in early childhood and beyond. Therapy and other therapeutic measures helped me. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Warren, you DESERVE TO FEEL GOOD and HAVE GOOD THINGS HAPPEN TO YOU! Your friend, Monica

Dear Christie, Please remember that one out of three cisgender women wear a wig or hair piece, so I wouldn't call that a prop! Both my mother and I have worn wigs, with absolutely no shame. Your friend, Monica

Mikah, Love the necklaces you and your brother are wearing. Are they handmade? Did you make them? You are a beautiful lady and your brother is a handsome man. Monica

Dear Karen, My mother never talked to me about sex, but about some of her experiences in dating. What your mother described might have been "premature ejaculation," often caused by a man having been with prostitutes in the past. The prostitute would rush the man, thus unintentionally teaching him bad sexual habits. Would like to warn the ladies here that men that had sex with prostitutes or were into pornography, especially video or computer pornography, have unrealistic expectations about sex and relationships. Your friend, Monica

Dear Sara, Suspect the Canadian Blood Service confuses transwomen with Gaymales. Bottom line, transwomen ARE women, and there are Gaymales who are in happy, monogamous relationships, and everyone is an INDIVIDUAL, and should be evaluated as such! Your friend, Monica

Dear Mikah and Karen, When I get pre-operative testing done, I always request a copy for myself, AND, for the report to be faxed to the surgeon's office. Also, I CALL BOTH the provider that provided the tests (to confirm they SENT the faxes) and the surgeon's office, to confirm that they RECEIVED the test results. This also applies to general blood tests, as well as specialty tests, usually ordered by my Internal Medicine doctor (they will send the results to her), and I bring my copy (requested at my Internal Medicine doctor's office), before seeing the specialist. If the Internal Medicine doctor's staff say they will fax it, I always call the Internal Medicine doctor's office to confirm that they faxed it, and the specialist doctor's staff to be sure they received the fax. Of course, to keep all my bases covered, I BRING my copies with me to the specialist. Too many times the fax was failed to be sent, or the equipment at the specialist's office was not working. Also, staff gets busy, and either fail to send the fax or to put the received fax in your medical record. This seems redundant, but sure pays off! Your friend, Monica

Dear Karen and Mikah, Could not help but recall that the Red Cross used to refuse the blood of people of color. Should I get struck by a car and am bleeding out in the street, I would not care if the Good Samaritans, EMTs, nurses and doctors gender identity was. A friend of mine told me he would never let a doctor that was a person of color treat him. Couldn't help but ask, "would you feel the same way if it was an emergency, and no other doctor was available?" Feel honesty is about what is true NOW, and you are a woman NOW. My suggestion would be to donate blood elsewhere! Your friend, Monica

Dear Christie and Eve, There are two groups of women who get "looked at twice," and they are women who are gorgeous (the men and butches are making a fool of themselves rubbernecking!) and those that look "different," due to disability or having an unusual body, such as being a woman of size or having a disfigurement (they have to compensate by having a gracious and forgiving personality). The women that are "in the middle of the road," or seen as, "attractive," (a polite term for not being ugly but also are not beautiful), are the ones that do not draw a second glance. Some women want to be "invisible," and let their talent speak for them, and others like to celebrate their beauty and/or physical uniqueness. Personally, I think transwomen should strive to be the "middle of the road" woman FIRST, as women, in general, feel most comfortable with this kind of woman, and learning directly from cisgender women is most paramount, especially at the beginning. Your friend, Monica

Dear Eve, Had ten years experience in the transgender community that ended fifteen years ago, when I seriously dated a transwoman who identified as Lesbian. There were different support groups for transsexuals and cross dressers/transvestites, but another SOCIAL group where both were welcome. As a cisgender Lesbian, I saw this in the Lesbian community, where the professional Lesbians had their own community (they were more likely to be closeted) and the blue collar Lesbians had their own community (they were more likely to be out). Personally, I objected, because the professional Lesbians acted like they were "better" than the blue collar Lesbians. It seems that when subcultures grow, they develop "subcultures within subcultures," and this tends to divide the subculture, and the society at large sometimes exploit this. Yours truly, Monica

Today, I came across a moving and beautiful article by a reader of Lesbian Connection . . . "I am 64; I was born female and I have been Lesbian identified since I was 19 (soft butch). I was active in the Gay Rights and the Women's Rights movements. It is now 2015, and many things have changed." "I am weary of the ANTI-TRANSWOMEN words I keep reading here, and I'm having a hard time with some of the more caustic comments! I have not heard anybody say whether or not these women are actually transgender or transsexual; I am assuming transgender. If they are transgender, do they identify as Lesbian? Many do. I am also disappointed by women who insist on calling transwomen "men." I don't care what chromosomes they had at birth; I care about who they are. Are you still referring to Chaz Bono as 'she'?" "As Lesbians, we fought so hard for acceptance, and it is just inconceivable that we could be so unaccepting of another subculture whose journey is more difficult than many of ours. When I was younger, I was involved for nearly two years with a transgender woman (her physical and legal transition was complete when I met her). Because of this I had the enlightening opportunity to meet many other trans folks of both genders, and the chance to learn about and try to understand their world. I met many wonderful and sincere people, some of whom had suffered terrible abuse as transpersons. It does not matter what gender a person is born; if they do not identify with that gender, then life is a nightmare. I applaud those who have the strength and resources to make a very difficult change. Once they make it, they have every right to be seen as that gender, be it male to female, or female to male! I also happen to think that those in between have the right to be called whatever they feel identifies them." "I feel strongly that it is time to acknowledge that the world has changed considerably since the '70s. Lesbians have NOT been erased; we have been mainstreamed! Isn't that what most of us wanted - to be treated the same as Straight folks, with the same rights and opportunities?" "During my thirties, I pretty much lived in a Lesbian-dominated world, and I loved it. Then things started to change. I found myself with more Straight friends and working mostly with Straight people. Although I did not like the changes at first, I now realize I live in a much larger world. While I miss some things about the old days, I believe that living in this larger world is a good thing, and for my part, I am determined that it will be open to diversity, including transgender women. And I want to give my thumbs up to the readers who had the courage to give supportive comments about transwomen!" - Margaret P. Margaret P. writes a beautiful article about the importance of Lesbians to deal with their fear of losing their identity as they become mainstreamed rather than lashing out at another minority culture. Couldn't agree more!

Dear Wpwyle, You will find transgender people among the kindest and friendliest people that you will every meet. May I suggest you go to our home page, and click on "resources" on the top bar, which will produce a drop down, and then click on "support groups." There are support groups in almost every state of the Union, and many overseas. You do not have to attend these groups dressed. A support group often is no more than a few hours' drive from where you live. If you seek counseling with a transgender counselor, many of whom are transgender themselves, they often sponsor transgender support groups. Also, there are gender conferences all over the U.S. Just Google, "Gender Conferences 2015," and all the gender conferences for the year 2015 will come up. In my opinion, TGGuide is one of the most friendly transgender blogs on the Internet, and I have seen most of them. Looking forward to hear from you soon. Yours truly, Monica