MonicaPz

Karen, THANK YOU for your generous gift of time, effort and money in reaching out to someone who needed it the most!

Dear Karen and Violet, I have only brothers and no sisters. Often I pretend that my sister in laws are my sisters. Wish I had an older sister at least to show me the ropes. Think I have plenty of sisters and brothers here at TGGuide, as well as sons and daughters, because I miss the children I have never had! Your friend, Monica

Dear Luna, Absolutely LOVE the necklace! Monica

Dear Ace, Think that everyone is looking to the Internet to make friends, and then following up with face to face friends. Have friends in many different states (Internet, snail mail and telephone friends). Actually have one face to face friend who I met on an Internet dating service. Another friend I knew face to face in Brooklyn for ten years is now a weekly telephone friend since I moved to upstate New York from Brooklyn. Today demands people to be more flexible in making and keeping friends. Just be aware that someone can be very different on the Internet versus telephone versus face to face. They may not be trying to deceive you, it is just that each technology brings out different aspects of a person. For example, I tend to be much more formal when I send a snail mail letter than when I am on the telephone or in person. Please be aware that chemistry can NOT be judged on the Internet, Skype, snail mail, and most ALWAYS be evaluated face to face, and CAN'T be rushed. May I also suggest www.meetups.com, which are based more on common interests rather than gender or sexual orientation, although there ARE transgender and sexual orientation groups. Yours truly, Monica

Dear Briannah and Friends, To my parents' credit, they did not cheat on one another. Perhaps it was because my father's first wife cheated on him while he fought in WW II. Don't believe in double standards. Never cheated on my partner, and I don't date the ex's of my ex's or friends. Sadly, even after agreeing to be exclusive, I have had partners who cheated on me from the beginning. They weren't faithful even when we were courting! For what it is worth, looking back, these cheaters were very likely Bipolar. My only recommendation is to court for a YEAR, before moving in together (it is hard to keep up a lie for a year or more, but a few (sociopaths) are able to do it. And, my second recommendation is the 90 day rule (and this was before Steve Harvey thought it up!), which is not to be sexually intimate before 90 days. What concerns me about your father, was that he had relations with minors, which makes him a pedophile. Am sure the girl was not his first nor his last. If that girl was my daughter, he would be in JAIL. Am glad you turned out a great woman, despite an abusive childhood. AND YES, what you describe is CHILD ABUSE! Your friend, Monica

Dear Friends, Growing up, I was much closer to my father than to my mother. The physical abuse from my mother started when I was four years old, when she saw me shooting up in height, and that I was not going to be petite like her. Also was physically abused by my father because I was unplanned and not brilliant. Think parents have expectations and hopes for their children, and when they are not fulfilled, parents can be deeply disappointed. If only parents realized that they do not own their children, but are loaned their children by the Higher Power! Am pleased I found reconciliation with both parents well before they died! Your friend, Monica

Dear Jay, May I suggest you keep a writing pad and pen or pencil or even an audio recorder on your night stand. As soon as you wake up from a dream, record it in every detail, and then go back to sleep. Dreams can tell us a lot about ourselves. In my case, I am 58, but I always dream as if I am in my teens or twenties. Also, I use a cane, and I never use a cane in my dreams. Yours truly, Monica

Dear Ace, Here at TGGuide you will make lots of friends. Also, when you attend Gender Conferences, you may meet many of the friends you made at TGGuide. Am assuming you live near Rochester Polytechnic Institute and other colleges. Many of them have LGBT organizations, and they are open to non-students. You may want to Google "LGBT Centers in Rochester, NY," as well as "Gender Conferences 2016," some of which may be relatively near you. You should be no more than a couple of hours drive from a transgender support group. Take your time as TGGuide is very information rich, and I would start at reading the Forums and Blogs. Glad to see you are writing your own blog. Find it very therapeutic writing my own, and I enjoy reading readers' responses. Remember, TGGuide is a very emotionally safe place! Yours truly, Monica

Am a cisgender mid-butch Lesbian. Growing up until mid-life, I resembled my father the most. As I aged out (now I am 58), I resemble my mother more!

Dear Emma and Veronica, Am writing about a real young woman who lives across the street from me and her real next door neighbor. Between age 6 and 21, I, too, was an avid gardener, but didn't take it to the level these two young ladies did! Their story resonates with me (symbolically) concerning my breakup. Your friend, Monica

Two lovely ladies enjoying the mall!

Dear Bree and Nikki, Find journaling very helpful. Sometimes I write, and other times I speak into a recorder, and play it back, asking myself that if this was somebody else, how would I counsel them? The both of you are a couple I really admire! Grateful to be your friend, Monica

Rocky Garden First saw a 12 year old girl Working on her large garden by herself Six to eight hours a day Moving heavy rocks to build up her garden Mother shouts to her father to come, please help her He works beside her for a few hours That summer was a drought Her garden burns in the heat Next year, at age 13 She builds up her garden further Having bags of topsoil and gravel delivered Enlarging her already large garden Separating her vegetables by a wall of stone Proudly sharing her vegetables with her family Father does not help her This year at age 14 My, how she has grown! She looks like her mother Still working alone She builds a chicken wire fence around her garden, complete with a door To defend against the neighborhood deer and rabbits She builds another garden by the side of the house To provide her mother with herbs And another, on the other side of the house In partial shade, for shade-loving vegetables Another girl next door builds a large garden Following her example And an art student sketches their gardens Savoring the idea of smelling and eating Their vegetables Healing her broken heart

Dear KittenNikki, This sounds like a TOXIC WORKPLACE to me! May I ask, does it help you be a better person (bring out the best in you) for having worked there? Is there any way you can look for another job before it becomes so unbearable that it pulls you down further? This may be the wake up or heads up that there might be something better for you out there! Good luck! Yours truly, Monica

Dear KittenNikki, Think having a FEW quality friends is more helpful that having many light acquaintances. In my case, I have a very few face to face light acquaintances, and a few good friends here on TGGuide. Some of my TGGuide friends have turned into telephone friends as well, which is very helpful as I do not own a computer. Also have a two good acquaintances that I met on a Lesbian Internet dating website called "PinkWink," one of which is now a "snail mail" friend (amazingly, she curses EVERY OTHER WORD on the telephone, but writes a BEAUTIFUL letter, and the other, lives across the Hudson River, and we get together once a month when she does business on my side of the Hudson River. Am grateful to ALL of them! Today, we make friends in many different, creative ways than we have had in the past! Yours truly, Monica

Dear Briannah, Really resonate with your story, as I sometimes struggle with my writing and my art! Your friend, Monica

Sadly, Briannah, she is involved with my neighbor (a female), and my dear friend (a man) has taken her back, despite all her infidelities. At first, I considered being friends with her, as long as my male friend was present in our company, but decided that she is not only too toxic for a relationship, but also for a friendship. Saw how she treated her so-called friends when I was in relationship with her. It goes without saying, that if a person is a toxic friend, they DEFINITELY will be a toxic romantic partner!

Dear KittenNikki, Am very sorry about the loss of your cat. Please accept my condolences. Yours truly, Monica

Dear Warren, Nothing more cute than a boy (or a handsome man) with his dog! Your friend, Monica

Just finished reading The Well of Loneliness, and I would like to report that the book could have been written yesterday. It describes the Lesbian community of the 1920's and today to a 'T.'

Dear Lori and Briannah, What broke my heart is that she did not want to take her medication was because she liked the hypomania and mania, not because of painful side effects. Now she is having an affair with my next door neighbor, in an effort to make me jealous, hoping I would be crawling on my hands and knees, begging her to take me back. Luckily I have wonderful friends, both face to face and here on TGGuide, who give me support in not returning. The problems would just be waiting to destroy the relationship again. Yes, I have learned something from every relationship I have been in, but as I get older, it gets tiring! Gratefully yours, Monica

Ben, keep up the great work, young man!

Leo, you are a handsome young man. I would have loved to have had a son like you!

Dear Emma and Veronica, It is difficult sorting out what is a person's character vs. alcohol/drug addiction and severe mental illness. As for being a "better angel," (lest I be flattering myself - LOL!), I feel that as I strive to grow spiritually, the more lonely it gets. Of course, my relationship with the Higher Power comes first. Can't compromise on that, and when I do, it's a disaster! Think I should be looking for a religious order rather than a relationship! LOL! Thank you both for being wonderful friends! Yours truly, Monica

Would like to comment on two articles in the May/June 2016 issue of Lesbian Connection Magazine, on the topic of addictions. Please note ALL the articles on addictions were EXCELLENT, but these two, in particular, resonated with me. "Last Fall I ended my 22-year relationship. We had been in a civil union for the past 15 years, though things had not been very 'civil' for quite some time." "The very short version of the story begins with her back injury several years ago. The resulting chronic pain, and her increasing use of various medications (both legal and not so legal) to treat that pain, has slowly turned her into someone none of our friends, family, neighbors or co-workers can recognize. She looks the same - maybe a little thinner - but her behavior is out of control. Lies upon lies on top of other lies. Then there's the fraud and check forgeries amounting to tens of thousands of dollars stolen from me, my business, our families, friends and neighbors. We all agree that none of us are equipped to give her the help she needs." "Various treatments - including massage, acupuncture, spinal nerve injections, TENS units, and yoga - have been little or no help. Ultimatums have had no effect, and our last resort has been to press charges on the theft, forgery and fraud. That way the court holding a possible felony conviction over her head may force her to get into rehab. The courts in our county are very big on treatment for drug use instead of jail. However, they are also very strict about what happens is a person doesn't follow the conditions the court has assigned. Sounds harsh but we (mostly me) had to do this in order to prevent more damage to a lot of people." "Partners ever again? I doubt it. Friends? Maybe . . . Of all the crap to overcome - the drugs, thefts, fraud, etc. - the toughest one for me to come to terms with is all the lies. Even being friends may be out of the question." - Fran, Worchester, VT Have had a recent brief relationship with a 71 year old woman, 13 years my senior (I am 58). Although I normally took my time in getting to know someone before engaging in romantic involvement (90 days prior to agreeing to be exclusive and sexually involved, one year before moving in together), I allowed the relationship to be rushed because she said she had "terminal lung cancer," which I later found out to be not true. Should have known better as every terminal lung cancer patient I have ever known had an oxygen concentrator in their home and was on oxygen 24/7. Was drawn to her charming personality and talent in art, photography and in playing the keyboard. Later I noticed she was able to RUN up and down the stairwell on a regular basis. There was a reason for this. Turned out she would meet with local drug dealers in the parking lot in the middle of the night and deliver their drugs to tenants in my senior tower (the drug dealers were reluctant to enter the building because of all the security cameras and, because of their youth, they would stand out like a sore thumb). Also learned she had UNTREATED Bipolar Disorder. She refused to treat it because she enjoyed the mania and hypomania, thinking it increased her creativity. Sadly, she could not see the downside far outweighed the upside, and she would engage in dangerous behaviors as a result, least of which was abusing prescription painkillers and street drugs to "level herself out." Not only was she addicted to prescription and street drugs and alcohol, but also to anything that stimulated her brain's endorphins and adrenaline, such as promiscuous sex. What have I learned? So-called "alternative treatments," for Bipolar Disorder, such as dietary changes and herbs, do not work, although they may be helpful as an adjunct to medication; in the future, never negotiate on my boundaries, even if she was truthful about having terminal lung cancer, or any other reason; and to be aware of falling in love with a person's talents rather than with them (I was in love with a fantasy). Luckily, she never stole from me, as being poor as a church mouse protected me. Thankfully, two wonderful friends saw through her and saved my sorry a** before I was too deeply involved. Partners ever again? Definitely not, as the more I learned about her, I uncovered lie after lie. Was amazed on how many people accepted her "friendship," when she constantly badmouthed her friends, who only the day before spent time with her. Her mood swings were totally unpredictable. Friends? Again, absolutely not, as I don't believe in building a friendship or relationship upon a fantasy, like a house of cards. Painfully, I slowly realized I had a lot to offer and I deserve better! In the second article, I would like to comment after you have read it, as I do not want to spoil the surprise! No Turning Back "From the moment I first laid eyes on you I knew we would be together. You had such an alluring way about you. I saw you from a distance interacting with others. You were so popular, the center of attention; it seemed everyone wanted you. There was something so mysterious about you, the way you made everyone feel so special. You were cool, glamorous, elegant, sophisticated and oh so sensual - but there was also something dark and forbidding. I knew in my gut I should stay away." "I was still young and naive. Looking back, I know you really did take advantage of me. Of course, at the time, I didn't care. I was so drawn to you; you took my breath away and seduced me. The first time we were together you were so forceful, so powerful. I literally thought I was going to pass out. And from that moment on there was no turning back. You had your hooks in me." "I was obsessed with you, thought about you constantly. I couldn't wait to be with you. We had such a perfect dance. Even though you were the temptress, I would always make the first move. I would pull you into me. I couldn't wait to pull you into me. I couldn't wait to taste you. I was overcome by your scent. I loved the smell of you. I couldn't wait to feel you inside of me. No matter how much time we spent together, I could never get enough of you. I was always anticipating our next rendezvous. When I was with you I always felt so special; sensual and rebellious." "We began to do everything together. I brought you with me to the clubs, the beach, out to brunch and dinner, to spend time with family and friends. We were together in every room of my house. You even spent time with me at work. We were inseparable. You were truly the center of my universe. We did some crazy things together. And we did nothing in moderation. I spent so much money on you. Over time I realized that I was behaving erratically. I knew I had become irrational, but I was so dependent on you. I would chase after you all hours of the day and night. I covered for you time and time again - although you burned me and ruined my things." "And then you turned on me, as I always knew you would. It was subtle at first. But I began to see that you controlled my every thought. I couldn't make a decision without you. You kept me from pursuing new interests. I lost out on career opportunities. I stopped participating in activities I used to love. I began neglecting myself and those around me. I felt weak and foggy. I felt dirty. I was isolated by you. You were suffocating me. I was aging before my time. How often was I disgusted by you - repulsed by you? How often have I tried to leave?" "And now, after all these years, I have matured enough to recognize that I am using you as a crutch. I know I don't need you. I know I can live without you. And I know that the only way to cleanse myself of you - breathe again and regain my strength and my Self - is to just do it. I will miss you always. But I have come a long way, baby. And when I do finally break free of you, there will be no turning back." "Goodbye forever, Virginia (Slims - Menthol Gold 120's)." - Theresa D., Patchogue, NY As you now know, the article refers to an addiction to cigarettes, yet it describes my co-dependent relationship perfectly. The single word to describe my relationship was not love but "limerance," another name for infatuation. She was "popular" because she was the number one drug dealer in my building, and she had a car. It is amazing how much people who don't drive will tolerate, when you have a car! Over time, it was amazing how many things "pointed in the wrong direction," such as lying, secretiveness, infidelity, mood swings, road rage, manipulation, smoking cigarettes and marijuana, as well as drinking behind my back. What did I learn from this? Do not let your lover separate you from your family and friends. Do not lose yourself in your relationship, as tempting as that may be. Maintain and guard your boundaries. Do not allow your lover to "rush" the relationship, again, as tempting this may be. As my mother used to say, "a great date does not always make a great mate."