Emma

Dee, I agree with Christy and Jess: go out for a day or two, be mentally prepared to feel awkward at times but also to bask in the euphoria of presenting authentically. Indeed, finding your comfortable style(s) is an exercise in trial and error but everything in life is. Perhaps in the evenings you can update your blog here so we can follow along!

Yeah, I wondered if she was connected to other people in your life. I understand all too well that you can't share anything about your being trans with her at least for now. That kind of blowback was something I stressed over so much. Even in high school I had a great girlfriend. I kind of broached the subject about wearing girl's clothing; she was up for trying it out but I was just too shy and ashamed about the whole thing, and also terrified that my doing this would get out. 

So, asking her is all about when you're ready (or already have) come out. Good for you to wait. 

Dee,

I'm so sorry for your loss especially at this time in your life. I'm not at all surprised that you handled all the mix-ups and confusion with grace. 

About beer vs. white wine: One thing to remember please is that it's perfectly okay to enjoy whatever you do regardless of your gender and presentation. Maybe you like to work on cars or have a hobby that men more typically enjoy. The key words are "more typically" because we all know of cis women who enjoy whatever you might think of. It's not as if we suddenly have to be delighted by quilting or sewing. Sure, having a beer was good for a lighthearted joke but I wish you won't add the stress of deciding what you "should and shouldn't" do (and want to do).

"How would she feel if she knew that I was planning on going out and spending almost a full weekend as Dee at the end of this month, just to see how I feel about it?  Which at the moment is equal parts wanting to squeal with excitement and terror!"

Consider telling her and finding out! Regardless, I can't wait to read a full report of your weekend. Yes it's both exciting and terrifying. Remember, fear is kind of like a wall, and on the other side of the wall is a kind of freedom. 

Emma

Yeah, I know what you mean. I signed up for a bicycle ride/benefit for cancer research for the summer of 2017 with my male name but ordered a women's jersey. Not that it was that much different. And even when I picked it up at the event I was shy about it. But it felt good, as if even in that small way I was being authentic whether anyone recognized it or not. No one did but... I knew. 

Good on you for having your facial hair almost done being removed. I've had to stall my removal as my face is recovering from FFS. I have to shave every other day which sucks, especially because my face is so numb and odd feeling. It's creepy to shave on numb skin. Small price to pay I suppose but hey, it's still uncomfortable!

Dee,

Another idea: develop a list of possible trans conferences, both in Europe and sure, in the US. Consider attending at least one, and start making plans to go. 

Gender Odyssey, a conference here in Seattle, was the first time I presented as female in public. It was in August 2017. I was originally planning to gradually add to my presentation over the three days but a mentor advised that I just go for it. I so enjoyed myself! Just walking around as myself, attending lectures and discussions, hanging out and making friends. i'd suggest Gender Odyssey for you but they've discontinued the adult program; their now focused on families and professionals. But there are others.

For example, here's one near me that starts in three weeks: https://www.espritconf.com

Here's a list of US conferences I just found: https://tcne.org/transgender-conference-list/

Emma

6 hours ago, ScottishDeeDee said:

According to the online calculators a female my height should weigh 153 lbs or less, but I am currently at 218 lbs - I carry it well but my stomach is gross in my opinion. 

I think it's important to realize what we compare ourselves to. I know for me that as I go about my errands and so forth I'm noticing attractive women (young and older), and it's those that I compare myself with. But when we allow our gaze to open up to a wider lens we see that, as with men, there are all sorts of women out there, many of whom are larger than your 218 lbs or my 175. I'm confident that many of them are aware of their weight and shape relative to others, frustrated, and self-disparaging. But they have what God gave them (if you will) and those who carry themselves with pride and beauty, I admire and am drawn to. 

I have a good cis woman friend who has a trans daughter. She glows from within with energy, love, and kindness. She's also very professional and accomplished. A terrific mom to her adopted children. I love seeing her, getting together for dinner, whatever. She's also heavy (I have no idea how much of course) and her Germanic face isn't what I'd be attracted to as a dating partner, which is good because she's happily married! 

The point I'm trying to make is that your feelings are very understandable. As trans women we're not only envious of attractive women and hold ourselves up to their "standards," we are also hyper aware of our masculine foundations in face and body. I guess there are two issues:

1. We don't want to look like men in women's clothing, perhaps the butt of jokes and derision, but also standing out too much. 

2. We want to see ourselves in the mirror and in our mind's eye as at least somewhat attractive and feminine. 

Both of those are tough and for those of us who're older especially hard. The most important thing is to try to work on building what we see and are in our mind's eye. Sure, dress as nicely (and appropriately) as you can so that other women will also see that we're making the best of it. You'll find that other women will smile at you. There is a camaraderie between women of similar age. They appreciate the situation we're in and with their body language and smile it's like they're saying, "You go, girl!"  Yes, there are some who scowl or raise their eyebrows. I've learned to smile at them as we walk past each other and, you know, most find it impossible to smile back.

But, how to build up our own pride and presence in the face of such fears and self-awareness? You may have heard of "fake it until you make it." I'm not recommending faking it, that's all too similar to what we've done trying to be men. What I am recommending is that we go about our lives with a smile on our face, head held high, sitting tall and with good posture, and generally carrying ourselves as polite and gracious women. Recognize when old habits such as slouching or walking folded over creep in and then adjust accordingly. I think what you'll find is that the positive feedback you'll receive will help it become easier to just go about, actually more confident and proud of yourself. It's self-fulfilling. 

6 hours ago, ScottishDeeDee said:

So, how does a country girl go about being a girl when she has very limited time and opportunities?

I don't know and I don't envy your situation. Perhaps it's doing things like having "Dee Weekends" where you drive to a larger city/area and stay in a hotel for a couple of nights. Get yourself out there and learn by doing and being Dee for most if not all of the time you're there. Maybe you hang out at a coffee shop and just read a book or magazines, write in your journal. Go shopping for whatever, presents for your kids, books, anything. Even clothes. I especially recommend looking for women's clothing consignment shops. In larger cities there are those that cater to larger women. We have an independent store near me called "Two Big Blondes," for example. (If you visit Seattle I'll take you there!) Also, take walks, perhaps long ones, either in the city or the countryside. Good exercise and it's calming to notice and love what nature shows you.

Perhaps through that you'll gradually find yourself more comfortable presenting and being Dee. And through that you'll slowly find more about what's important for you. If nothing else you'll have much more to talk to therapists about in October and later. 

Best wishes,

Emma

Hi Dee,

It's good to hear from you. I also know what you mean about feeling like a fraud. I've been living and presenting as female as I can be for over a year and a half and I still struggle with that although not nearly as much. These days I just put on my clothes, whatever I feel looks good and is appropriate for what I'm going to be doing and for the weather. But I really notice what other women are wearing, too. I think about emulating them. 

I really like this from Monica:

6 hours ago, MonicaPz said:

Second, try to reach out and make friends with both cisgender and transgender women. These platonic friendships will be your lifeline. Don't even think about dating at this point - you have too much on your plate. You need and deserve support!

Everyone experiences the feeling of being a fraud during a learning curve in anything. 

I have some trans women friends but mostly I have cis women friends. Some lesbian, some not. All platonic. I seem to have been well accepted for me, whatever that is. We look out for each other, and hang out too. I'm probably lucky compared to you to live in the Seattle area where there are so many people. If I was in a smaller community it would be harder to make such a variety of friends.

I think Monica's correct also that we feel like a fraud at anything as we gain in proficiency. As we work on the learning curve our amygdala — trying to protect us — warns that maybe this isn't right for us. We question, for example, are we really trans? Life might be easier in some ways if we weren't especially as we contemplate coming out to friends and family, and living out in public. Over time, at least for me, I gradually just lost caring and I am just out as myself. Sure, I'm shy about my voice at times, and also envious of cis women. But I suspect that you too will gradually feel more comfortable and yes, proud, of being your authentic self. 

1 hour ago, Jessicatoyou said:

On being a fraud? Get that, totally.  Unfortunately, transitioning doesn't allow us to wave that magic wand and transform.  We have to go back and forth because a lifetime of relationships have been formed, as have responsibilities, commitments, and expectations, too.  It takes time and a plan to deal with all of them; we don't really desire to discard them but just figure a way to be true to them as who we really are.  

I also like what Jess wrote about being a fraud, or feeling like one. Part of it is our own internalized transphobia where we kind of feel a bias against transwomen because of so much social training over the years. We direct that at ourselves too. 

This is all good stuff to discuss with a therapist, to write about in a journal. Both, actually. Write more about it here too.

Emma

Hey Tilly,

Good for you! I started HRT just over a year and a half ago. I'd always read about how people loved it so much but I suspected that they were experiencing some sort of endorphin rush to be doing something and that the feelings would dissipate as time passed. I wasn't surprised then when I also felt so good. I was surprised at how the feelings were pretty constant. It was like my body was breathing a sigh of relief. 

I'd never seriously contemplated GCS since I was afraid that I'd never be certain that I wouldn't have regrets about losing my penis. A year ago I suddenly realized that GCS was the right thing for me: I was certain that I truly didn't care about those floppy bits that had been with me for so long. But there were two main issues: 1) getting insurance coverage, 2) choosing a surgeon and getting on their schedule so I wouldn't have to wait for years. Insurance coverage for trans healthcare vary quite a lot across the US which is a result of different state laws. California and Washington (state) are excellent, and there are several others too. I hope you live somewhere where you will have this coverage. The costs are otherwise prohibitive for most. 

So start your research and thinking. There's no rush and no cost to do this sort of thing. Knowledge is power and you'll feel stronger and more confident with more knowledge. 

Best wishes,

Emma 

Dee,

"Transitioning will be a permanent change - there is no going back to just being me."

Indeed, telling others that you're trans — intentionally or otherwise — isn't something you can take back. But, there are things you can do to test the water before coming out. It might help you to give yourself some patience. Would you like some ideas/thoughts on that?

" I spend most of my time in bed at the moment trying unsuccessfully to imagine what my life would be like if I chose to transition to female. Trying to work out a kind of pro/con scenario about my family & friends, my work and which colleagues would disown me and what direction my life would take in general."

I know what you mean and I felt that way too. I suggest that the first step is to accept that we can't control other people. They may be supportive and loving, unsupportive, or somewhere in between. It's your life, and up to you to decide what you need to do/be to be authentic to yourself.

"Am I fighting it just because I am transphobic on some level?"

Answer: YES! Remember that "phobia" = "fear" and you'd be crazy not to be fearful. It's what our amygdala does for us. It tries to protect us from the scary monsters and things like that. It's perfectly normal to feel these fears, all of them.

"I do not want to transition, but I Need to be authentic and honest with myself and the people around me.. If I understand the definitions correctly I have more social and emotional dysphoria than physical dysphoria - it is more like I experience euphoria when I physically look like how I mentally feel."

I didn't want to transition either. And even as I proceeded I didn't expect/anticipate what aspects of transition applied to me. I think you have to determine that, slowly step-by-step, by yourself with a therapist (ideally). 

I also know what you mean about the euphoria. I certainly felt that way too. These days it's less and less. I just am another (somewhat older) woman in the world, living her life. I like getting dressed in something nice that feels good, and hanging out with friends. But I also like going hiking, cooking, and playing with my cat. I also do woodworking, gardening, watch movies. 

I can't tell you what you should/shouldn't do. I hope that through small steps before you come out publicly that you can experience those steps — scary as they may be — and discover that yes, it feels right. You have to allow a little time for the euphoria to dissipate to know your true feelings. And then, cross another bridge, and another...

Attagirl Jess! I applaud your coming out authentically as yourself. I know what you mean about that word “transition”; for me, I think about it’s mean that I’m transitioning to my authentic self. But as we know that transgender is an umbrella that authenticity can be quite different from one to another. I wonder: where did you see yourself on that spectrum, say, a year ago versus now? The reason I ask is only because I was surprised to find myself continuing to inexorably move toward the right side of the Benjamin scale. 

I think these conferences are so wonderful. I attended my first in August of 2017 which seems like such a short time ago. Like you, I’d never gone out in public like that, presenting as authentically as I could. Those three days were scary and exhilarating. 

I agree that in “bubbles” like Boston and Seattle that we are accepted and somewhat applauded. I also agree how important it is for us to push ourselves to proudly just be ourselves in the communities, and demonstrate that we’re nothing to be concerned about in a negative way. We are as normal as anyone else. Through that I hope that more and more people will gain understanding and comfort.

It’s entirely up to you whether or not you meet the pastor with your folks. It’s your life, you’re an adult, so it’s your decision. Yes, you’re folks might be upset. That’s their problem and they can meet with her (without you) if they wish.

With awareness of that you might meet privately with the pastor before to provide her with specific feedback about how she overstepped with you and your wife, and how unhelpful and disturbing her comments were. And, if she wishes you to attend a meeting including your parents she needs to be much more considerate and diplomatic. Otherwise you won’t attend.

Obviously all this is up to you. I understand a reluctance to violating your parents wishes but if the meeting is simply a repeat of the last one if’s a waste of time and worse, your emotional health,

I also have deep challenges to trusting people, especially people such as friends, lovers... even my own children. My feelings don't sound as deep as yours but we have parallels. Of course I don't know from where your feelings emerge. I believe mine come from a very awkward, uncomfortable, and untrusting childhood. Knowing that I can put my feelings in context but it feels impossible to dismiss them. I'm continually amazed that people seem to like and love me. When we are apart I gradually assume the worst. And then, suddenly. they reach out, we go have dinner or something, and wow - I was so wrong.

Perhaps that's why you feel the way you do about people here on TG Guide. We keep returning to you nonjudgmentally with love and support. I hope that helps you, I really do.

Hi Tilly, I'm sorry for your experience and loss. Might I suggest that you reach out to your pastor for a quiet and private meeting? As you said, you're confident she came over out of love and, evidently, it backfired. Sounds to me like she'd appreciate the opportunity to learn from your experience and, who knows, maybe you'll patch things up.

I have no idea what’s common with laser hair removal or how to best treat your condition. I suggest phoning the laser technician and/or go see a dermatologist. Maybe the dermatologist would advise that the laser evidently wasn’t set or operated correctly. 

In the meantime I do know how you feel. I have an electrolysis appointment for Friday morning and can’t shave around my mouth and chin until after because she needs to be able to see the hairs and have enough length to grab with her tweezers. I’m very self conscious about it, especially tomorrow afternoon when I’m going to a women’s fashion party! Oh well, someday all this hair will be gone. Very impatient for that...

I'd like to add what my therapist advised when I was in your situation. You are not responsible for your wife's feelings and/or emotions. Hers are valid and so are yours but authenticity means that you can (and should) express yourself regardless of their reaction. Trying to save her from her pain or worrying about it doesn't do you or her any good.

Now, I know that's easy to say. Perhaps good to keep in mind though.

I have also experienced this - truly. I really didn't know when she asked me. I just told her that I'd keep exploring, contemplating, etc. It was highly emotional and we did decide to divorce. It's still emotional for both of us as we remain close, but as BFFs, not a marriage partners. 

I'm afraid that for you this is one of those rare times when you need to seriously consider how important it is for you to find your authenticity and live it... or not. Of course only you can answer that. It may well upend your wife's world and yours, that's a fact. 

It's almost two years since I drove north from the Bay Area away from my wife and our home. At the time I really didn't know where I'd end up. As it is now, I legally changed my name and gender (surprised but I was compelled due to Trump's threats), started HRT (as an experiment at first, but I liked it much more than I expected), discarded all of my male clothing, came out to everyone I know, had GCS and breast augmentation surgeries, and am scheduled for facial surgery in one month. Honestly, I had no idea I'd do all this, need to do any of it. I've reached a decision point, thought about it, weighed it, made the decision, and then encountered the next decision point and repeated my process. 

I'm happier but I miss my life partner, flaws and all. I'm lucky that we stay in touch but she's 1,000 miles away... 

Tilly, I certainly understand your feelings. I felt very much the same way with each step, each attempt. Taking my estradiol in a pill, sublingually, allowing it to dissolve, felt like great candy. It doesn’t taste bad at all, and it feels so good to be doing Something!

I’m now on estradiol via a patch which has reduced risk of DVT and it’s fine. But I miss taking those pills!

I agree with Christy:

- You need to have your blood estrogen and testosterone levels assessed before taking anything. During treatment you also want the tests at regular intervals to assess the effects of your medications. There is no other way to do this.

- Unfortunately it’s highly doubtful that an herb will do much for you. Sorry, that’s the truth. 

- Even with taking pharmaceutical estradiol and spironolactone a two cup size increase (essentially becoming a solid B ) isn’t likely. Yes, this depends on age and other factors. I guess my boobs were an A cup and I used foam inserts to fill in B cup bras.

I’d also like to point out that in addition to the herbs you’ll also need an anti-androgen like spironolactone. I’m not sure if there is such an effect from herbs or foods.

Bottom line: you will get better and safer results if you have your doctor prescribe HRT for you. 

P.S. I do understand the desire to tackle all this on one’s own. For breast growth I bought a Noogleberry pump system for something like $150 that was recommended by a friend. I pumped and pumped and, well, it accomplished nothing. 

Christy: What is the "academy", please? 

Dee and Christy: After writing my comment on Monday I came across the report that my coach provided when I went through a more extensive test (which is known as the Meyers-Briggs Step I and Step II Testing and Interpretive Report) about seven years ago. Indeed, it pegs me as INTJ, however:

- Although I'm an "I" (Introversion) I'm one of those people who often strikes up a friendly conversation in places like grocery store check out lines. When it comes to more professional conversations I have to push myself.

- It's a real toss-up for me between S vs. I (Sensing vs. Intuition) and T vs. F (Thinking vs. Feeling). 

It's fascinating for me to read and consider this now, and with the added details in the report — which is 18 pages long — it's interesting to consider how I (we) straddle the Meyers-Briggs type indicators. 

I engaged with this coach at a time when I also wanted to consider an alternative career that I hoped would be more aligned with my core personality, values, etc. This has been a common theme throughout my adult life... although successful I was never satisfied. Notably, at that time (2012) my gender dysphoria and all that was buried way back in the closet under layers of shame. I certainly didn't share any of this with my coach. And now that I'm no longer avoiding that aspect of myself I feel confident that had I acknowledged and supported living and being authentic earlier in my life, well, I might very well have been happier in my career and/or would have found one that truly was more satisfying for me. 

As I recall, most of the time I test as INTJ. But, I had a professional test conducted about ten years ago which was a lot longer and detailed than the typical. I was really on the borderline, I vs E, F vs T, etc. 

I believe Meyers Briggs is very valuable to help us identify and accept our true natures, which is especially important for people like us who’re often struggling to understand much about ourselves.

Very well said, Christy. We all send best wishes.

Mine delivered a similar ultimatum. Right about the time she insisted that I move to the guest bedroom. Both of us were reeling with emotions. We continued to try to work things out with therapists, all that. About a year (or was it more?) I had done lots of research, reflection, etc., and had to tell her that I was indeed transgender. But I didn't know what that meant for me. I was clinging to a belief that if I could just dress from time to time in the privacy of our house — to relieve the gender dysphoria pressure — that I and we would be okay. To her credit she said no, we needed to get divorced so I could be free to discover and be my authentic self. 

We divorced just under two years ago, and I moved out permanently in April 2017. I settled in Seattle in August 2017. I was surprised that, over time, I just kept needing more. I'm now legally Emma, on HRT, just had GCS and BA, and in April will have FFS. Thankfully we are both very close with each other. We talk about every other week for an hour or more. Last night she really helped me when I was very down. We both love each other, that's for sure. We miss each other too. But I think my transition is just way too much for her. But we'll see. She plans on visiting later this year which will be very interesting. I keep encouraging her to move to Seattle. I love it up here.

"I also realised that we were not really focusing in on any specific issue to do with whether or not I was trans, it was all about where I want to go and the plans I making for myself in the future."

Wow, Dee, that's so huge! Very proud of you!

October is a long time to wait, that's for sure. As you said it gives you time to become more familiar and sure of yourself - always a good thing. I look forward to hearing more about your journey!

Emma

Tilly,

I feel for you as I had a very similar experience. I suppose my only advice is to try to be patient with her, don't push her for affirmations such as kissing or perhaps even sitting together closely. She's processing all of this as best she can, weighing her options, very self-conscious about how your revelations may reflect on her with her friends and social connections. 

I'm sure you recall how much you wrestled with your feelings before coming out to her, and probably for much of your life. She needs time to catch up in her understanding. Hopefully she has a good therapist to talk with and learn from.

Best wishes,

Emma

Hi Dee, wonderful, heartfelt list. Isn’t it amazing how doing something as simple as that puts your feelings in perspective?

Hi Jess, take your time, no rush of course or need to post it. I suggest just creating an unordered list on paper as things come to mind. Later, you can edit and group them however you wish. I think it helps so much to witness the totality of our experiences like this. It sure did for me.