Emma

Well, you asked!

<6 years: preschool and kindergarten
Where I discovered my shame about wanting to be girly and do girly things, and the powerful need to keep it strictly hidden from others. But as an only child where did that shame come from? I assume I learned it from my mother, before I have memories, when I rebelled against her making me be a boy.

• Wore out my baby blanket’s satin edging; I loved the feel of it.
• Twirling like a ballerina at another child’s birthday party; ashamed and stopped before “being caught.”
• Wanted to learn to curtsey with the girls in preschool
• Playing with the girls in the kindergarten kitchenettes; afraid of the boys play and what they would think
• Playing with neighbor friend (who much later came out as gay): making up stories with little characters

6-12 years: grade school
Like a sponge I soaked up knowledge about girls and women, contemplated what it would be like, and fostered fantasies. I spent hours surreptitiously investigating in magazines, newspapers, television, and catalogs.

• Wanted to be a Blue Bird in 1st grade
• Wished I could be a mermaid
• Wanted stirrup pants like the girls: how would they feel to wear?
• Rolled up in my Nana’s satin comforter; shamed by her to stop.
• Playground: with the girls playing hopscotch, gymnastics on bars
•  Unexpressed wishing mother would buy leotard and tights for me
• Bedtime fantasies of being dressed as a girl, transported away into space. Or, dressed in a harem girl’s costume, living in an I Dream of Jeanie bottle, with Jeanie.
• Fixated on catalog with sleeping bra, wanting one, trying to figure out how to order and receive it secretly.
• TV: That Girl, Girl from UNCLE, Flying Nun, The Avengers, I Dream of Jeanie, Bewitched
• Favorite movies: Patty Duke, The Sound of Music, Three Lives of Thomasina
• Wanted to be able to cry and wear a ring like a girl at school

13-18 years: junior and high school
Covert actions taken to experience clothing, the good feelings that emerged were undeniable.

• Subtly" trying to encourage mother to buy a tutu for me
• Hand-sewing camisole and romper out of rags while parents at AA meetings
• Trying on girdles from Goodwill bag
• Cutting panties from discarded pantyhose to wear under clothing or to bed
• Bought black long-sleeved leotard at dance clothing store; returned a year later to buy black tights. I had to wait or risk their remembering me.
• Wearing mother’s swimming suit when parents were out for the evening
• Lake Berryessa: bought pantyhose to wear and hang out in, on weekend alone. It felt marvelous but lonely.
• Wanted to crossdress with girlfriend; she was okay with it but I was too cautious
• Stole girl's skirt, top, and slip from restaurant restroom
• Continually looking for discarded/lost girl’s clothing
• Found yellow girly panties on lawn
• Found multicolored panties in HS parking lot

18-24 years: college
More clothing and my first-time experience going out dressed. But otherwise a low point in my TG world as I tried to be what I was supposed to be.

• Stole blue leotard from clothes wash room in dorm
• Halloween: dressed as coed (skirt, girls sweater) for party, loving it and yet feeling so alone, afraid to show that I loved it too much and that I’d be found out. Twenties
• More clothing and dressing.
• Found navy blue dance panties in parking lot
• Bought leotard and tights at dance store
• Bought leotard at flea market
• Halloween (1981): on the Castro as a nurse. What a great time I had, just being me if only for a few hours.
• Halloween (1982): on the Castro as a bride. Not quite as much fun but a good time nonetheless.
• Wearing leotard/panties during sex

Thirties

Explorations, confronting fears by buying clothing.

• Wearing panties and nightgown during sex
• Visited TV/TS bar in Munich: a long walk from my hotel but I left shortly after arrival; too scared.
• Foxy Lady Boutique – SF: dress and lingerie
• Lingerie boutique - Mountain View: corset and stockings

Forties
Exploring what it means, terrified to come out and be accepted. Once again, full withdrawal.

• Accumulating very small wardrobe
• KOA Santa Cruz: much research, writing, desperate for acceptance and understanding. Drove to LA to crossdressing clothing store; bought a dress, lingerie.
• Delivered overly comprehensive report to my wife that I hoped she would see it all as no big deal. Just the opposite, she was devastated.
• Serious suicide considerations
• Carla's Boutique: bought dress, bra, other

Fifties
Discovering the new transgender vocabulary, that being trans is inborn, not a choice. Wondering how far on the spectrum I will need to travel. Finally: full disclosure with therapist, wife, and gender therapist.

• Bringing leotard and tights on business trips
• It all emerges again: much more exploration
• Confrontations with wife
• Serious suicide attempts, much consideration
• Clothing bought on Amazon, REI, Carla’s, dance store...
• Judy Van Maasdam’s confirmation
• Attended TG/TS group meetings at Carla's and with Judy
• Participation in on-line support groups TGGuide and CrossdreamLife
• Wearing dresses and skirts in private at home; nightgown to bed

Sixties
With disclosures, my shame is about gone. Still hard to accept this reality at times. What will I do if my marriage collapses and I’m on my own?

• Realization that I'd always wanted to be small and treasured: does that mean female, or perhaps loved by my mother? I think it's the former but it's probably both.
• Wearing dresses and skirts in private at home; nightgown to bed
• Coming out to family and friends: all going relatively well
• Increasingly accepting that I do not see a need to socially or surgically transition
• Attended TDoV, TDoR in San Francisco; surprised I don’t feel much of a bond with these people.
• Dara Hoffman-Fox’s book (You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery) and workbook: worked through the exercises, provided them with edits for their 2nd edition.
• Three days of transformation, living, and going out at Over The Rainbow in Portland. I loved it.
• Building up cosmetics, having fun experimenting and learning.

Update (Summer 2017 thru September 2018)
Started transitioning to Emma just over a year ago, living full time, never happier or more at peace in my life. No thoughts or worries about “de-transitioning.” Still some social anxiety but mostly gone. Life’s good.

• 100% out to all professional colleagues, friends, family. Most are very supportive, I even learned from one colleague that his son is possibly trans or gender variant.
• Divorce finalized December 2017; she and I still talk at least weekly, often for an hour or more, listening to each other, support, shoulder to cry on.
• Gender Odyssey Conference (Seattle): Attended August 2017, dressed as a woman (wig and all) for three days. Wonderful experience, learned a lot, made new friends. August 2018: attended all four days as a Session Host, had a fantastic time introducing speakers, managing the room, helping and talking with attendees.
• Started HRT 9/11/17: Consulted with an endocrinologist with an idea for an experiment for low-dose HRT. He agreed, I tried it, and loved it. Never looked back.
• Donated all of my male clothing to charity, now very comfortable shopping anywhere.
• Feminine voice training with Sandy Hirsch: went very well
• Legally changed my name and gender marker in all state and federai records
• Happily accepted by local lesbian groups for hiking, camping, and just fun. Several new and great friends.
• Joined Human Rights Campaign as a volunteer; hoping for greater responsibilities soon.
• GCS scheduled for 1/31/19.
   

I certainly started borrowing clothing from my mother’s drawers early in elementary school. I even sewed my own out of rags in junior high.

One thing really helped me determine and accept that I’m trans and that was to create a list of things I did and fantasized about throughout my life. I broke it down into major age groups such as:

- pre school

- elementary school

- junior high and high school 

- 20s

- 30s

- etc 

Within each timeframe I had a bulleted list of single sentences that reminded me of the event or activity. It took me some days to get it filled in because I kept remembering things that needed to be added. 

When it was complete I shared it with my therapist who remarked that he could not imagine someone who is not trans as having such a list, showing how my fantasies and feelings are such a consistent thread in my life.

This idea might help others too. But I recommend that you enter it into a file or write it out. Trying to keep it all in one’s mind is next to impossible and prevents one’s ability to see the whole picture. 

Ah yes, I remember your post! I’m glad you re-entered it. You do look terrific, your hair, face, and that lovely red coat. 

2.5 hours for coffee is quite a drive. I’m sure you’ll figure out a way to do it, and I’ve no doubt you’ll have a great time.

I’ve done similarly. I recall about ten years ago I’d gone off camping by myself, away from my wife and family. They had decent WiFi in the campground and I surfed the web like mad. I’d bought some tights at a grocery store and wore them beneath my pants which felt good. But I needed more. I had to have more.

I then drove about 300 miles south to Los Angeles to go to a store that specialized in cross dressing clothes. I was there when they opened, shopped for an hour, and then returned to my campground. The clothes weren’t very nice or of good quality but I enjoyed wearing them.

So, I know at least something about what you’re going through. It’s exciting but also so stressful at times. Remember this please: your joy comes from a true sense of finally experiencing your authentic self. There is nothing wrong or untoward about you or your feelings.

Good for you Jessica! You’re lucky to have found such a nice group that’s close to you. 

I echo what you are feeling going out. Wow, when I first started I was so scared, even to drive my car. Slowly, slowly, it’s come to the point that we dream of, that I just get dressed in whatever feels best and appropriate for the occasion. Yesterday when going to a clinic to see a girlfriend for a medical exam, I wore a longish navy skirt, black leggings, and white Banana Republic sweater. We’re getting together this evening and I’m thinking of a pair of khaki green pants and a casual top. Comfy, nice looking, and casual. 

Keep putting yourself out there. Sure, we connect with some people more than others. That’s the spice of life. 

Wow, your writing comes to me at a time when I happen to really need it. Thank you.

Pretty hard to paint ones toes! I think you're right, practice. Have lots of nail polish remover and cotton balls handy to clean off the mistakes. And, do it over paper or something that won't be damaged if (when) you spill. 

Honestly, I think you'd be much happier getting a pedicure at a salon. It's pretty inexpensive, easy. and they do more than just paint your nails. 

I’ve thought a lot about Jess’s post and the comments. I think I initially missed her point and now get it. I don’t “present” as a woman either. I’m just me, Emma, a woman going about her life. I’m not wearing a costume, they’re just clothes that I happen to like and feel good in. 

I suppose it wasn’t necessary for me to post this but hey, that’s why we have comments!

I’d like to add that each of our authentic presentations is unique, and that’s wonderful. Speaking for myself determining that presenting (being) as a woman all the time was a bit surprising but now just feels natural. But women have many different styles and determining how I want to live in that spectrum is an ongoing adventure. I’m narrowing in and yet I’m drawn in many directions.

My point is that it’s totally cool with me wherever feels right for you on the gender spectrum and within that where you reside. In fact I think it’s delightful that you’re thumbing your nose at the status quo. Be yourself, be Jess, always.

I understand and applaud you. Just present as Jess and screw the rest. The only important thing is for you to feel good in your own skin. Besides that nothing matters. 

My goodness, BA, what a horrible childhood. Mine sucked but nothing like yours. 

My mother was manic depressive, often in her bed, never loving. My father was nice but I didn’t know him because he was always at work. As an only child I basically took care of myself while tiptoeing around the house in real fear that I’d get yelled at, spanked, or both. My mother committed suicide when I was 24 and, truth be told, I wasn’t sad. Just ready to move on.

Hey Jess,

Right on! It’s certainly scary to go out but with repetition it just becomes natural. That said I do enjoy choosing my outfit to fit my mood and the social situation I anticipate finding myself in. The more important thing: don’t look back, love looking forward, to being your authentic self. Sure, it’d be better had you done it long ago but that’s all in the past. I’ll be 63 in May, so we are close in age and experience.

This afternoon I was at a friend’s who has an 11 year old trans daughter. I spent about an hour with her as she showed me how she operates an MIT program that she uses to write programs of her own. She’s so delightful, I’m so envious. She’s just over a half century younger than me, can you imagine? 

I decided to just enjoy my short time with her. I’m the surrogate grandma!

Emma

Welcome! Best wishes to you for 2019 too!

Hi Monica and Christy, I think you are both more on the same page than otherwise.

Sure, it’d make sense for companies and individuals who support LGBTQ groups to display their alignments with customers and employees. But, as Christy said, for whatever reason that may not be practical or desirable for the supporters. In fact I happen to know that the local HRC groups are not provided with names and contact info of local members for that very reason: they might worry about being out-ed. Christy’s correct that the organization is free to offer decals and so forth but it’s certainly okay for a supporter to decline. 

On 12/24/2018 at 3:17 AM, MichelleLea said:

Progress does not go in a straight line...

Certainly agree with that. We see that gays and lesbians continue to be threatened even as the reality of their humanity is so obvious and valued. Similarly,  people of color experience raw prejudice, hate, and bigotry. Women are held back with mysogeny and unfair treatment. I’m sure we’ll experience the same.  But we’re gettin’ there! Keep the faith but don’t let down your guard. Be as active, visible, and vocal as you can. I certainly understand that my being out of the closet is a dream I never expected. 

Hey Michael,

First, sending you hugs and best wishes for a delightful Christmas and wonderful 2019. You’re mighty special in my book, my friend.

Yes, there’s still a long way to go and I’m also very fearful of Pence. And, we are experiencing DT’s unwinding of progress we have made in recent years. The thing that they don’t seem to comprehend is that the genie won’t be stuffed back into the bottle. Waylaid a bit to be sure but the taste of freedom is impossible to rinse out. 

Of course I’m speaking from a bubble around Seattle that is unlike so many areas in the US. I can go about my life confidently that my fears are, for the most part, my worst enemy. 

That said I’m really looking forward to ramping up my participation in the Human Rights Campaign next year. I plan to attend a meeting in Washington DC in March (at my expense), absorb and learn, and return to add my energy to raising awareness and funding for LGBTQ equality. We will overcome. I don’t know when, and, I suppose, the fight will continue long after we are dearly departed, but I’m thanking my lucky stars to be here at this moment in history. 

Best wishes,

Emma

I was bullied a lot as a young child, starting around 6 and lasting until about 12. Two boys, one who lived across the street and the other two blocks from us. I didn’t know what to do. I cried when they teased, taunted, and threatened me. I just wanted to be friends. My father advised that I fight, or call them worse names than they called me, but I was too afraid. No brothers, no sisters, just me and my bipolar mother since my father was at work most of the time.

To this day I’m so careful to not hurt anyone’s feelings. I just don’t want to. It’s like my Prime Directive. Last night my ex-wife phoned me, we talked for almost three hours. She cried a lot. She misses our marriage. I listened, took it all without defending or pointing out that our marriage hadn’t been so great for years before I came out to her. She closed the call asking why I’m not someone she can hate. She’d like to, I think, since it would help her rationalize our divorce and process her grief. We still love each other but my male self is dead.

I have many sad memories from those childhood years. I don’t know if I behaved the way girls would have, maybe that doesn’t matter. I think I learned how important it is to support everyone’s self esteem, and to rob them of that is brutal and mean. Maybe those boys grew up to be good men. I’ll never know. I don’t hate them but I have absolutely no interest in them or their welfare.

Fabulous, Becky!

It’s a delight to meet you here. You look lovely and sound so happy and content. Welcome to TG Guide!

Emma

I'm not sure if sewing is in the cards for me (I'm too much of a perfectionist!) but I'd like to relate an experience that says a lot, at least for me.

My father was in AA, and each Friday evening he and my mother would attend an AA meeting along with a visit to a pie shop afterwards for socialization. As an only child I was home alone, which I loved. I cooked my own TV dinner, watched whatever I wished on TV, and yes, explored my mother's dresser.

I think I was in 6th grade when I started hand sewing girls clothing for myself out of rags I found in the rag bin. I sewed a camisole, a romper, that sort of thing, and enjoyed wearing them while watching TV. I think I even sewed in crotch snaps into the romper. 🙂 I was like Richard Dreyfus in Close Encounters of the Third Kind, drawn toward this activity much like he was creating his model of Devils Tower in his living room.

I guess it all stopped when one morning my mother woke me up for school only to discover that I was wearing the camisole. She was shocked, and walked out of my room saying something like "we'll have to talk with your father about this." We never did. I purged everything and tried to permanently bury that experience...

On 11/22/2018 at 5:55 PM, MichelleLea said:

I saw my sister today and told her that I was trans. She was lovely. Lots of questions. Now she plans to find out more on her own. She told me that she always wanted a sister. Wasn't that sweet? Feeling good tonight. 

WOW!!! 

1 hour ago, MichelleLea said:

I know what you mean about not hurting anyone. Should I be honest and true and shatter a friends illusion or not? I want to be authentic but not for selfish reasons--well, maybe. In my case, so far, so good.

Yeah, a very understandable concern that I shared. I decided to come out because:

• I imagined laying on my death bed heartbroken that I'd squandered my opportunity, wishing that I'd stood up for myself.
• They say that you find out who is truly a friend and those who're less so. I lost a few friends, fewer than 5-10. 
• We never know how much quality time we have left. Time to make hay while the sun shines.
• Is it really selfish to claim and be your authentic self? Not at all in my book. You're being true to yourself. If you lose a friend(s) they were friendly with the false you. 

It's scary to come out, certainly. I am not saying that you should or should not. I know trans women who hope the world will change to fully embrace them. I think they have their priorities out of order. We first have to learn to embrace ourselves regardless of external affirmations. The world follows, naturally attracted to happy and authentic people. 

Good for you! Bravo! 

I gradually came out to everyone in my life over about a year, and kept a list on my iPhone until I was beyond about 50. It was fun for me to examine my list from time to time. I know now that I was feeling pride in my being authentic.

Follow your feelings and heart. You don’t “have” to come out to everyone nor do you have to publicly present as a woman, transition... If you will, take small bites, consider them slowly, and think about taking more. There’s no rush, really, although at my age I felt some pressure to make hay while the sun shines.

Have fun, too. It’s scary at times to be trans but it’s such a thrill ride to finally be one’s authentic self after so many years of shame and oppression. 

P.S. Nice photo! You look terrific!

Congratulations are in order. I know well the feelings you’re expressing, of secretly cross dressing. I bristle a bit at your calling yourself a sissy. That’s such a slur, that is demeaning and doesn’t apply to you.

Good on you for coming out to your PACE friends. It feels good to be authentic, doesn’t it? Slow steps, no rush. But continue to push against your boundaries. Regardless of where you need to be (e.g., transitioning) we owe it to ourselves to come into our own and be ourselves. We only have this one life to live.

@Christy,

Thanks very much for your comments. I think you're hitting on several important things: There is a lot of euphoria during transition. It's so empowering to be authentic! But once we've settled into ourselves we still carry our existential anxieties (curiosity?) even as the gender dysphoria feels greatly reduced. 

I've also had interactions with transitioned trans women like you did, where they carry enormous chips on their shoulders, angry and defiant and wishing that the world would change around them. Like you, I don't feel comfortable around them. Where's the fun in bonding over grief and anger? Brene also writes about that in her book, that relationships constructed on the foundations of mutual dislikes and gossip really have no foundation at all. And yet people often do this, cis, trans, whatever. Think Trump and his "base."

I'm aiming to be what Brene wrote about in the quote I posted. I just am what I am. My ex-wife sent this to me along with a birthday email in May 2017 about a month after our divorce and my final departure from our home in California: "Remember that I will aIways love you.  You are the finest person I have ever known and I thank God that you are in my life." I try to tuck that into my consciousness as I go through my days even though we're no longer talking to allow us both breathing and grieving space.

@Monica,

I'm so sorry to read about your pain. Perhaps you can write more about how you're feeling, what you're facing? Maybe it will help to get it out and have us add our support and acknowledgements that you're loved by all of us.

Best wishes,

Emma

Good for you, Jessica! many (most? all?) have have gone through so many purge cycles particularly, as you said, when life events happen and we hope "this is finally IT," that we can finally shed what we thought of as unwelcome and shameful baggage. Now, we know differently, that our femininity has always been baked into us since birth and it's perfectly okay and glorious to be ourselves. 

I guess we're about the same age (I'm 62) and so we might wish we'd taken this bull by the horns many decades ago. I feel that way, sure, about many things. Thankfully we have our lives to lead as we move foreword. Live gloriously, as yourself. 

I fully understand! I hope you’ll determine a way to dress and go out more often. Perhaps there’s a crossdressers group in your area?