Emma

Awesome story, Jessica. Transition is a huge spiritual journey too, isn’t it. Everyone’s is difficult but there are many common denominators.

It’s good to hear from you. I hope you’ll keep us posted!

Thank you, Jess! 

Hi Jessica!

Congratulations on completing your physical transition journey. It’s all up and to the right from here. Well, much of it, speaking for myself.

I’ve been amazed at the emotional journey, not only being more at home in my body and presentation—which has taken me about three years.

Also, I’m having to undo and address so much emotional baggage. Ive spent so much energy in life until transition trying to establish and maintain a steadiness, always on guard and afraid. I didn’t know exactly what I was afraid of although now it’s obvious. 

So good on you Jessica. The grass is Much Greener on this side of the hill! 

My grandfather was also a racist. I well recall how he’d complain and use the n-word in the 60s as we saw Black people on TV. But he also just adored Ernie Banks of the Cubs. Go figure.

I wasn’t sure how to be around my grandpa. Should I — I asked myself — emulate his behaviors? I don’t think I did. I might have said something less committal like “yeah” when he commented on who he saw on TV.

Thankfully none of his prejudices stuck to me. As I grew up and my experiences and exposures to all sorts of people around the US and the world expanded I finally came to understand: all people (and I’m including Russians, Chinese, Palestinians, ...) are simply people trying to get by and live their lives. Many are delightful; some are not. I choose to hang out with the delightful ones.

Dee,

Here's another wonderful excerpt from "Untamed":

"I’ve spent much of my life lost in the woods of pain, relationships, religion, career, service, success, and failure. Looking back on those times, I can trace my lostness back to a decision to make something outside of myself my Touch Tree. An identity. A set of beliefs. An institution. Aspirational ideals. A job. Another person. A list of rules. Approval. An old version of myself. 

Now when I feel lost, I remember that I am not in the woods. I am my own tree. So I return to myself and re-inhabit myself. As I do, I feel my chin rise and my body straighten.

I reach deeply into the rich soil beneath me, made up of every girl and woman I’ve ever been, every face I’ve loved, every love I’ve lost, every place I’ve been, every conversation I’ve had, every book I’ve read and song I’ve sung, everything, everything, crumbling and mixing and decomposing underneath. Nothing wasted. My entire past there, holding me up and feeding me now. All of this too low for anyone else to see, just there for me to draw from. Then up and up all the way to my branches, my imagination, too high for anyone else to see—reaching beyond, growing toward the light and warmth. Then the middle, the trunk, the only part of me entirely visible to the world. Pulpy and soft inside, just tough enough on the outside to protect and hold me. Exposed and safe."

Oh Dee, I'm sorry you're feeling so blue and confused. "Am I scared of pushing them away by embracing Dee, or am I scared of embracing Dee because it seems like pure fantasy to consider myself female at the moment?" Probably both, and more. 

You're really caught in the middle, aren't you? In between what you fear if you come out to family and all, and your inner truth. Oh, if were only that easy to really know what our inner truth is. As I wrote to Emily earlier today, determining where one is under the trans umbrella takes active experimentation. Without that it's all a mind game, over-thinking, trying to figure everything out in one's head. Truly, this is not only impossible it's also so depressing. Hence weight gain, perhaps on-edge emotionally, and alcohol. 

Sure, it would be a shock to your daughter once she knew what you're trying to deal with. Your son and ex-wife too, as well as others. The good news is that children—especially younger ones like your daughter—find it lots easier to grasp these kinds of situations. Sure, it might be a bit upsetting, but in the long run... well, who knows. I sure don't. 

May I suggest a book. You know me, always suggesting another book. This time it's by Glennon Doyle and it's titled "Untamed." I read it slowly, sometimes only a couple of pages each morning, underlining and dog-earring pages to identify so much that really connected with me. 

Here's a small excerpt:

"I am a human being, meant to be in perpetual becoming. If I am living bravely, my entire life will become a million deaths and rebirths. My goal is not to remain the same but to live in such a way that each day, year, moment, relationship, conversation, and crisis is the material I use to become a truer, more beautiful version of myself. The goal is to surrender, constantly, who I just was in order to become who this neat moment calls me to be. I will not hold on to a single idea, opinion, identity, story, or relationship that keeps me from emerging new. I cannot hold too tightly to any riverbank. I must let go of the shore in order to travel deeper and see farther. Again and again and then again. Until the final death and rebirth. Right up until then."

I could add many other quotes but you might as well buy the book. One of the themes of the book is that we must be true to ourselves regardless of others, and in that truth our loved ones will witness what it means to be authentic. Then, they can choose either to journey along with you, or perhaps not. Regardless, they are given the gift of learning something so important, a rule for them to live and love by, if they choose. 

Yes, your ex-wife may fire off all sorts of artillery at you, both directly and indirectly. But, are you going to cede your life and power to her or anyone else? 

You know that I know from experience that this transitioning is very frightening. Each step felt so monumental. Even all the little things. But as I took those steps the fear melted as I realized that not only was I fine but I was also joyful living more and more authentically. 

I guarantee that there will be lots of bumps in the road. That's life. Here's another couple of quotes:

"Like Jesus, who walked straight toward his own crucifixion. 

First the pain, then the waiting, then the rising. All of our suffering comes when avoid pain and consequently miss our becoming. That is what I can and must avoid: missing my own evolution because I am too afraid to surrender to the process. 

To trust that I'm strong enough to handle the pain that is necessary to the process of becoming. Because what scares me a hell of a lot more than pain is living my entire life and missing my becoming. What scares me more than feeling it all is missing it all. 

There is the me that is miserable and afraid, and there is the me that is curious and excited. That second me is not a masochist, she's wise. 

I know that when the pain and the waiting are here, the rising is on its way. I hope the pain will pass soon, but I'll wait it out because I've tested pain enough to try it."

I underlined and bolded one sentence that speaks so clearly to me. We only have one life to live. This is it.

Get the book, read it and take notes, and see if that helps you feel your inner power that I know is there.

Hi Emily, sounds like you’re making great progress. It’s so helpful to see (good) therapists. Of course they can’t provide you with the answers though, you have to work those out on your own.

I may have recommended this before so please excuse me if this is old news: please read and work the exercises in Dara Hoffman-Fox’s book You and Your Gender Identity: A Guide to Discovery. You can purchase it on Amazon, Dara’s website, etc. I believe you can download a free PDF from Dara’s website.

Both Dara and another gender therapist suggest that I try experimenting to determine what the best fit was for me. The first experiments are relatively easy, such as finding a local crossdressing group, attending their social events. See how it feels. (That’s the consistent way to judge the experiment.) If it feels good or right, keep doing it. If not...

Try listening to your body to determine what doesn’t feel right. In my case, for example, although I enjoyed myself at their meetings, I felt I needed more, like to go out on my own as a woman.

Slowly try new incremental experiments. Always listen to your body: how do you feel? (Fear is very normal, of course.) 

Maybe at some point you’ll feel like you’ve gone further than you want. That’s totally cool. Take a step back to a previous level and stay there for a while. Maybe that’s what you need. Maybe after living there for some time you’ll feel a need to go further (or back). 

You see, every trans person is different, just like every cisgender person. As a trans person it’s likely that you feel a pressure to “just know” what you need, right now. That’s not practical. Conducting your own research and experiments will help you achieve some calm because you’re actively working on figuring this stuff out.

Emily, this is a good, dare I say great, place to vent about stuff like that. 
 

If you could do what you wanted would it be:

A. Be happier in your male gender and roll

B. Live somewhere under the transgender umbrella, from occasional crossdresser to fully living as a woman, perhaps with or without surgery(s)

C. Fully transition, legally, socially, and as physically possible to live as a woman

For decades I tried to be satisfied with A, but was very depressed and spent years seeing a variety of therapists.

About four years ago I determined that I am trans (after one heck of a lot of research and soul searching), and beyond that had no idea where I’d find myself transitioning, and was in B.

Three years ago I started really working on determining where I was on that scale. I had no idea at the time that I’d end up where I am, living in C, for the last 18 months. 

One thing that surprised me is that (at least for me) my transition has continued even though I’m legally, socially, and physically, a woman. It’s been (and continues to be) quite a journey. I feel tremendous relief and joy by living authentically. 

The reason I provided all that is to give you some context and perspective in case you find yourself stymied and scared.

BA,

We've all made mistakes in our lives. And while yours was especially egregious and wrong your apology to him is admirable, really. As you wrote you still have to live with the shame and guilt. 

Here's my confession: I have an acquaintance who's about 60yo, black, and a journeyman carpenter and jack of all trades. I've hired him on several occasions and he's paid well! We enjoyed working together, joking back and forth, that sort of thing. He's taught me a thing or two about construction as well as his life being black. As an example, he was almost hung when he was a young boy. Why? Because he walked on a wealthy white man's lawn. 

Anyway, as I said we joked about all sorts of things. A couple of times I joked that I kept people in my basement for unsaid reasons. He laughed, took no offense. About a year ago I apologized to his face. He assured me that he knew I was just making a joke and it was all okay.

Still, about a week ago my "joke" continued to haunt me. I sent him this text msg :

Hello _____, I’ve thought of you often, wondered how you’re doing, and hoping for the best. Maybe you won another lottery? (He did, actually, win a $1M lottery! But that's another story.)

No, I’m not writing about a possible work project. The reason I’m writing is that I have been and am ashamed how I joked to you about keeping people in my basement. I didn’t have the impression that I’d upset you but nonetheless I wish to sincerely apologize. 

It’s true that I have no real understanding of what it is like to be black. It’s easy for me to think that I do, but how would I? 

I well remember your telling me about the man who threatened you when you were a boy, about walking on his lawn. Here we are now, a half century later, still witnessing such abhorrent inequality, disrespect, and violence against people of color.

I just wanted you to know that I’m aware of how my words may have hurt. Honestly, I never ever intended them to. You and I were having fun and I joked in a way that I should not have.

Be well, safe, and true, ______.

Later that day he called me to reassure me that he's fine and while he didn't see any need to apologize he appreciated my note. We then got caught up we each others lives and signed off. 

As you said, BA, like you I continue to hold that experience in my memory and I've learned from it.

I agree, amazing. I just hope this is the early start of a much much more massive shift away from Trump and the RNC. There, I’ve said it.

First, I can't imagine living in AZ. I visited Scottsdale in mid-Summer 2018: the temp was 108. Literally unbearable. 

Second, yeah, this whole thing is right out of a sci-fi movie or Stephen King book. As you said, you're retired (as am I), thank goodness. 

"But I didn't give up trying." That's all we can do my friend. We have to stick it out for the long haul. I'm afraid this mess is going to be with us for a long time, possibly through 2022 if not beyond. 

Important safety tip!

@MonicaPz: Better late than never: absolutely!  

@ScottishDeeDee: Fear of rejection has always been and is still a big issue for me. I will say that my coming into my own authenticity is giving me emotionally stability, calmness, and reducing such fears. When we use the word "transition" we generally think about transitioning from our born gender to another. From my side of that journey I see that transition is lots more, mostly revolving about growing away from those habits, thinking and otherwise, of trying to fit in to the mold we were expected to fit. 

It's fair to say that everyone has self doubts and self consciousness. But for people like us I think the burden is much greater. I suggest reading Glennon's book and see what comes up for you. Maybe that would provide things to write about in your blog. I'd love to read your posts. 

Goodness, BA, I’m sorry. That must be miserable. Like Dee, I don’t think of you as damaged at all. You’re a friend in a horrible situation just trying to make the best of it.

Wow! Are they Scottish?

Mike and I are working on an issue where, for some reason, comments on some blog posts aren't included in the list in the POSTS area on the Forums home page. Thus far, no joy, but the first step is to reproduce the problem!

Regardless, it's nice to hear from you and I hope you're well. The Coronavirus thing is spawning a fair amount of anxiety here in the Seattle area. Life continues to go on of course but I'm checking myself several times a day for feelings of a cold or flu coming on. So far so good, thank goodness. Late last week I made a quick trip to Chicago for a last electrolysis learning of my face and neck. I'm grateful I was able to make the trip although like everyone I'm sure I was concerned about hanging out in the airport, the plane, and so forth. 

How are you? How're things in Scotland? 

Test 2

Hi Rachel,

I just now realized you'd made this post. I downloaded your story—which is excellent and sounds so familiar to me. I hope you'll post more hear but in the future I'd recommend not in a Word file. For one reason, I was concerned about infecting my laptop with some virus. Perhaps the more important one is that adding this additional step to accessing your writing seems to be off-putting to many. I see there have been about 30 "looks" at this page but only 5 downloads.

Here's a quote from your doc:

Am I the only one who feels like this? Did I miss the queer crusade that I should have been on when I was younger, fighting alongside those other trans-pioneers? I feel like I have missed so much in my life that I can never make up for. The sixty-year silence in my closet was deafening. The walls were screaming at me, but I never heard them. 

You're certainly not the only one who feels (or has felt) like this. I'm 63 now and started my transition almost three years ago as my wife of 20 years and I began divorce mediation. It was only three years before that when I started to finally work on discovering my authentic self which ended up with my determining that I am trans. All of these years have been tough, especially the last three until roughly 6 months ago. Transition is hard and scary. Divorce, and that feeling that one may never fit in with friends or a new romance is very lonely and scary too. 

I'm also a trans lesbian and found a group of women on Meetup from which we now have about 8 close friends. We do all sorts of things, mostly hiking, potlucks, game nights. They've been incredibly supportive. One even flew out to Scottsdale a year ago to spend several days with me after my GCS.

I mentioned that transition is scary and hard. For one thing determining where one is on the trans spectrum is scary. I had no idea when I started that I'd end up where I'm sitting now, basically like any other woman. But I love it. As I wrote on my blog this morning my being consistently gendered correctly is so fabulous. I feel so lucky and grateful.

Yes, we both missed a lot in the last ~60 years by not being born female. That sucks so much and yet as you wrote there's nothing we can do about it now. It can be hard to let that go and we probably never will. Overall, though, it's so much fun and energizing to be living life to the fullest.

Emma

Dee,

I certainly understand your feelings. It was so so scary on many levels when I started my transition. There were so many steps, many fears to confront. 

I was fortunate that my wife gave me the support she did even while divorcing me. Also, my ability to move to another locale. 

I don’t mean to add pressure on you but the thing that consistently propelled me forward was this: We never know how long we have on this earth. Something happens and maybe we wake up in a hospital incapacitated or dying. I could no longer bear the thought of the regrets and disappointment in myself if I had allowed my fears to stand in the way of my living authentically. 

I must also add that at the start of my transition I had no idea how far I’d need to go. All I really knew was that I am trans. 

But even that self-awareness isn’t perfect. Even now, once in awhile, I ask myself if I did the right thing. Thankfully, I always answer unequivocally yes. 

Best wishes,

Emma
 

Well said, Dee. As far as I know I'm initially gendered female but when more closely examined I'm seen for what I am, a trans woman. Obviously, like all of us, I'd much prefer just having a woman's face and body but that's not going to happen. So yes, dress as you wish, as feminine, appropriate, and nice as you like. And just go out as you, regardless of whatever you think people perceive you as. You know who you are, that's really all that matters.

Authenticity really is good for you. Be patient, take things slowly, and with each step, evaluate how you feel.

I once had a gender therapist who said, “Being trans is like having a ticket for the Transgender Train. Get on, ride it for a stop or two. Get off and see how it feels. If good, get back on and head on down to the next stop. You can always take it back in the opposite direction when desired to help you determine which stop is most ideal for you.”

Wise words!

Michael,

Indeed, live and learn, my friend. I’d guess we’ve all been there, done that, and have similar regrets.

Love,

Emma

Hey Michael,

Wow, look at the date you originally posted this, one month before I joined TGG. Memories...

For fun I just now looked up cisgender in the Merriam-Wesbter link you provided. It's there now! Reading the comments on it are very interesting. Many were/are simply looking it up after finding it in books and publications. Sure, there are some (a minority, I believe) who express various levels of disdain.

Emma

Michael,

You're such a sweet man. I always love your writing and this is no exception. 

Emma

Hi Jessica,

Nice to hear from and about you. Indeed there are many anecdotal stories of trans people's finding their sexuality changing (morphing?) during/after transition. It's good you're keeping an open mind. After all, now that we're finally becoming our authentic gender there's no profit in maintaining hard lines in our sexuality!

I found that I remain only interested in women as partners. Men can be fun and all that but they just don't float my boat the way women do. I love the deeper connection that women have between each other and freedom to express it. Because of that I had a zero-depth vaginoplasty as part of my GCS. Sure, I imagine that lesbians enjoy each other's vaginas and I wish I'd been born with one. But I wasn't and made the decision to err on the side of low/no maintenance vs. the high maintenance that's part and parcel of a full-depth vaginoplasty. Send me a PM if you're interested in more info.

Although I've made a bunch of cis lesbian friends in the Seattle area I've struggled to find dates let alone a romantic partner. I am on three dating sites and have also put myself out there to several women I've met socially and am friends with. For women I've not met I suspect that my being trans is at least a part of their lack of attraction. And although I seem to pass very well I suspect that my face and body isn't as attractive as many are looking for. That said I have enjoyed several first dates and for the most part I've been the one to not wish to see them again. 

I find another big contusion factor that involves my indoctrination in male socialization. As a male when women opened up to me, smiled, and all that, it was reasonably safe to assume that they had at least some romantic interest or attraction to me. Now, though, all of my women friends exhibit these characteristics! What I used to think were signs of attraction are now the norm so it's pretty confusing. Last weekend I spoke privately with a good lesbian friend about this. She understood and said that I need to wait for stronger and more clear signals. That is also hard for me to do. Again, having been socialized as I was, it was expected that I take those first steps and unless I did she might lose interest. Interesting, huh? 🙂

So, I'm seeing it all as a marketing challenge to get myself out there and through exposure I'll meet more women. Last weekend I also had a first date with a lesbian I met on OKCupid. I think we'll certainly be friends. Beyond that? I have my hopes but also reservations, we'll see. 

Emma