Emma

Hi Dee,

It's good to hear from you. I've wondered how you're doing.

I certainly understand your feelings about wigs. In a word, they suck, for both cis and trans women if because of hair loss they feel that they have to wear one. But as Monica and your sister said, some women just have to. I have a couple of trans friends here who have them and a good cis woman friend who's in her 40s and will soon need to consider something; she's losing her hair due to alopecia. 

A suggestion: consider going out any buying the best one you can afford, such as a human hair wig that is custom fitted and styled for you. Make it something you will be proud of when wearing it. That will also mean having to go to a specialty shop and yes, admit to them that you're trans. Make that fun, too. Perhaps you could call or write to them beforehand to set their expectations of who you are and what you're looking for. They might even offer to see you during a time when they're normally closed.

Anyway, best wishes to you and I hope to hear from you more in 2020.

Best wishes,

Emma

Well, BA, I have a couple of things to say:

1. It seems unlikely to me that she doesn’t want to break up for you. Take her at her word. Is she upset and concerned? Sure, pretty certainly. But I highly doubt you’re able to read her mind. 
That said I think you owe it to each other to have a heart-to-heart talk. You love her and it sounds like she very much loves you. Ask her sincerely what’s coming up for her these days. Listen, and ask more questions. Let her know that you’ve really heard her. She’ll love you even more. Don’t try to “fix” or “repair” her or her emotions. Just let her get them out into the open.

2. I personally know how the guilt and shame adds up to feeling like you’re better off gone. That would so terribly hurt her and I know you don’t want that so what do you do?

After listening to her (see #1 above) ask if she’ll listen to you. I’ll bet she will. Pour your heart out to her. Your shame, doubts, worries. Tell her how sad you are, that you feel miserable for hurting her. Go ahead and cry if you need to. 
You both have each other and need each other. There’re no guarantees but it sounds to me like you both love each other deeply and are terrified about “what might happen.”

I need to post this article elsewhere but I think it helps, particularly now:

https://www.seattletimes.com/seattle-news/science/groundbreaking-uw-study-transgender-kids-gender-identity-is-as-strong-as-that-of-cisgender-children/

The point is that scientific evidence keeps piling up the trans people are valid in their own right, normal examples of human diversity.

Wow, what a beautiful and heartfelt post. I hear you (over and over!) that to be true to oneself ("selfish" is a loaded pejorative) isn't "necessarily" wrong. I feel myself wondering if you're feeling defensive. I can well understand that, believe me. I'm glad if your blog post has provided you with a way to get your thoughts together, written down and organized, and presented. 

My ex-wife was also very alarmed and upset as I came out to her as trans. She said I'd betrayed her, as if I'd had a secret affair. I went through a lot of guilt and sorrow (as did she) as we considered ways of remaining together, decided that we could not, divorced, and then separated. 

I have this on my kitchen wall, framed:

"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right, forgive the ones who don't and believe everything happens for a reason. If you get the chance take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody says it would be easy, they just promised it would be worth it."

          --- Dr. Seuss

I look forward to hearing more from you.

Hi Dee,

Always nice to hear from you, and good for you on losing all that scruffiness! 
On telling your children I would never ask them if they’re okay with it. In some ways their opinions don’t matter. You are what you are.

 I told my two sons individually, which I think worked well. I told them how I had determined that I am trans, and what it means. When they asked what I was going to do (this was about one year before starting any transition) I was honest: I didn’t know. 
I told them that I planned to continue to explore, figure out and determine my authentic self. 
One of my sons was very interested. I forwarded articles and YouTube vids to him.

My other son didn’t care much at all.’

I suggest that you write out what you want to say before meeting with any of them.’ Maybe rehearse beforehand so you’ll remember it.

And then, go forward. My son told me that i was inspiring to have come to my determination and, later, as I transitioned.

Dee, you’re not unimaginative at all. Keep it up! You’ll get into that yellow dress soon!

I also wear glasses and well recall buying my first in women’s styles. What fun! 

I agree to let your lawyer be your spokesperson and advocate. Still, I’m sure it’s scary and demeaning to be treated by the magistrate in those ways.

Hi Dee,

Sorry to read this; it’s very understandable that you’re feeling this way. 

With a bit of hindsight I see that I’ve been dealing with a lot of grief over the last several years. My divorce, my transition, moving 1,000 miles away. 

I suggest thinking about grief, maybe studying it through books, YouTube videos, etc. It’s especially important for you to try to be easy on yourself, patient, and kind with yourself. Yes it’s easy to say and hard to do. 

That's a terrific idea Monica! I suppose we've all heard that we should talk to ourselves as if we're speaking with a good friend. I've tried that in my mind and I've not been successful. But I can well imagine how speaking and recording my words and sincerity would help me speak more nicely to myself. 

Dee, please gently allow yourself to experience the normal ups and downs. Although I'm about as transitioned as one could be my journey certainly continues!

I agree fully about returning to Dara's book and to adding to your recording of the work they recommend. There's so much wisdom in their book which inspires such powerful awareness in ourselves. 😍

Dee,

I’m as sure as I can be that we don’t become trans because of trauma. It’s the other way around.

We are born with our authentic gender pre-programmed. It’s like one’s sexuality, handedness, or other characteristics. 

Some very fortunate people do not experience such trauma and shame, especially young children if they are accepted and supported by their parents and community. 

For those like us it’s a struggle to not only find where we need to be on the trans spectrum but also to find self-acceptance and love. As Dara wrote in their book accomplishing this is truly a Hero’s Journey. 

I'm sorry you were feeling down but I'm sending kudos to you for your self-care. I like getting dressed, even today when it will be hiking boots, shorts, and an athletic top to go on a long-ish hike about 100 miles east of here. I well remember the fantastic feelings I had getting dressed long before transition.

I love your photos, especially the one on the right! She's so pretty, isn't she? I'd also lose the nose-ring but it does give her some edginess. 

I wonder what I'd look like with such a filter. Probably lots better than normal. But also, like you, I love it when I happen to glance at myself in the bathroom mirror where I'll do a double-take as I see myself as a woman. Feels good!

Hi Jess,

”Bluster” was the wrong word; I apologize. The whole thing came off wrong as I read it now. 

Sorry for creating this mess! 

Emma

I get afraid a lot, even today when I talked with a therapist about some of my emotional baggage. I wish at times that I could be more steadfast that, screw it, I am authentically me, and if you don’t like it the heck with you. But that’s not my style and, again speaking only for me, claiming that fearlessness would be sweeping my true feelings under the rug. 

I think fear is normal and natural when humans face unknowns, are vulnerable, and claim authenticity that flies in the face of convention. 

Obviously, Jess, I’ve no idea what’s going on for and within you. But, if you are burying any fear with bluster, I suggest allowing yourself to feel and experience your fear and move through it which I’m sure you will. 

Good for you. We spend so much of our lives fretting about diving into the deep end. As trans women we know that all too well. Is your move risky? Of course it is. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

I was born, raised, and called California my home until just over two years ago. I wonder where your son is located. From my perspective California is a nice place to visit but Oregon and Washington are where to settle. At least in the more liberal areas such as the Seattle and Puget Sound area. 

I hope it all goes fabulously for you in Eugene, I mean that.

Hey Michelle,

Eugene, as most of Oregon, is a very nice place to live. And hey, Seattle is less than 300 miles north! It would be fun to meet someday.

I recall your perseverance and positive attitude to your Aflac sales efforts. It's no surprise to me that your manager and you have become friends. I'm sure he was so grateful to have someone like you on his team. 

Best wishes,

Emma

Dee,

Yes, it's risky and life-changing to transition and your questions are natural. And since we're transitioning from a male body it's unlikely for most of us that we'll ever be as attractive and naturally feminine as we've dreamed. 

It may help to consider two states of being:

1. Remain as you are. What a relief! Except, we know that it's far from ideal and has brought up all sorts of sadness and depression for so long. It's not going to be fulfilling or come near to achieving contentment. 

2. Become your authentic self, which may be a (trans) woman. I put the "trans" in parentheses because as we transition we're striving to be the feminine person we need to be to achieve sufficient relief from gender dysphoria and the joy and contentment of finally living authentically. But no matter how "far we go" we will always be transgender. Even beautiful women like Laverne Cox are and always will be trans. 

The journey between "1" and "2" is scary, uncertain, and fraught with risks. It's unfair that we have to go through this but it is what it is. 

4 hours ago, ScottishDeeDee said:

How do you know if you are doing the right thing?

 I believe in taking small steps, evaluating how it feels after any euphoria has declined. Consider how contended you feel, how your gender dysphoria feelings are mitigated, and try to determine where this step finds you:

* This is enough, I've arrived!

* I don't like this, I feel I've gone too far, and wish to undo this step.

* I like it but now that I'm here I find that I wish to go further. 

Then, follow your path, perhaps back, perhaps forward. And please note that it's okay to change your mind later. But what if you've done something like surgery, which is obviously not undoable. For me I was surprised and gratified to find that when I reached that point the decision was easy. Earlier, I never would have said that.

5 hours ago, ScottishDeeDee said:

What if I pump all of this time and money into transitioning only to continue to feel like I am not good enough? 

I'm sure you've heard that after transition we still carry whatever emotional baggage we had before. Maybe a little lighter since we're finally being authentic but all the other crap comes along. I think this is where I need to emphasize that mental therapy and perhaps psychological meds are so important, before, during, and after transition. 

5 hours ago, ScottishDeeDee said:

Where do we find contentment?

That you asked this question says to me that you know you're not content now. I know this feeling all so well. For me, I am much much more content with my life than I've ever been. And yet when I look in the mirror and listen to my voice I know that I'm evidently trans. Now, I could get stuck in the mud of these negative feelings but I try to choose not to. I get together with friends for dinners, camping, hiking. I also just started a ballet exercise class! (It's tough.) 

I think that finding contentment is what we as humans struggle to achieve throughout our lives. It's a never ending journey that we wish we didn't have to take but it's in our nature. For me a cornerstone was finally acknowledging that I'm trans and then transitioning. Where will you find contentment? I can't answer that for you except to say that it's unlikely you'll find it by staying in the status quo. 

Dee,

i just came across this, and it feels so right for me. Maybe for you too: https://medium.com/@hallb1710/the-transgender-pain-29b6b8f304ab

Emma

Hi Dee,

I’m sorry to hear about what you’re going through. In my own way I’ve experienced much of the same and it sucks, it hurts, and it is so depressing.

I’ve also had to face the fact that I’ll never be a cis woman. I’m seen as trans and stand out as trans. 

The thing is that we are what we are. Rare, yes. Unusual, sure. And having a strange arc of our lives, raised as one gender, doing what we thought we wanted and should, and only now as we are older, confronting our reality. That’s the bad news. The good news is that we are granted our opportunity to finally be our authentic selves. 

I sure wish I had been born female, I really do. It’s depressing to think about how there’s nothing I can do to change that. 

How to contend with depression and take advantage of your alone time?

- Go take a long walk and look at plants, trees, animals, water, and the sunset.

- Do a teensy tiny bit on the project you had planned on working on.

- Go have a nice cup of coffee or tea. 

- Treat yourself to something for Dee. Order it from Amazon or something. You have plenty of time to receive it! Consider ordering two, in different sizes, and return one or both if it doesn’t fit or you don’t like it.

- Write in your journal. 

- Take a nap.

I’m sure that none of this is going to really fix things for you. Being transgender is freaking hard at times. 

BA, I’m sorry to read this from you, I really am. I wonder if you’ve seen a psychiatrist and/or are taking meds. I am (Celexa and Wellbutrin). I literally couldn’t live without them.

Of course, if you don’t know why you’re so depressed I certainly can’t tell you. Sometimes it helps to just forget “chasing the whys” and accept that yes, at this moment, you’re feeling depressed. Note that there is a difference between feeling depressed and being depressed. The latter adds weight to the problem and the former acknowledges that the feeling while likely ebb and flow like most feelings.

So, what to do? One thing that I and others have found helpful is to consider what you would do if you didn’t have this issue, you free of the pain. Consider brainstorming with yourself, write down your ideas, and as time passes you’ll think of more. Write those down too.

Then consider what you can do now. Do it or at least get started. Hopefully that will reduce some of your stress and depression.

Hey Dee,
It does hurt to be forgotten or an after-thought, and as we are trans it hurts all the more because we may take some responsibility for our own pain. The thing is that it’s wrong on so many levels when we are forgotten. I hope you had a wonderful Father's Day.

For me, I have two sons, 35 and 31 years old. The 35 year old didn't even send an email.  The 31 year old phoned to wish me a nice day and then proceeded to try to manipulate me into giving him money. Both of their behaviors are unrelated to my being trans or having transitioned, and both still call me Dad and that's fine with me. 

It's tough being a parent... and trans...

Emma

Hi Dee,

I'm amazed that I'm joining this conversation so late! I loved reading about your wonderful time at Trans Pride. Your photos look fantastic! Good for you, very good.

I don't mean to push you in any direction but I'll say that your experience with going out and about as a woman parallels mine. It was like I was finally out just being myself and it was so enjoyable, like a weight had been removed from my back and my mind. 

What and when will you go out again? 

Best wishes,

Emma

My advice... drive carefully and have fun!!!

Yeah, I keep at it, trying to just be myself and let my freak flag fly. That’s what we used to say back in the day about our long hair. It felt cool to stand up against the Establishment. Funny that at my ripe age that it’s more important for me to assimilate. 

The main problem, my therapist advised this morning, is that I get too wrapped up in my thinking patterns, which have been my go-to patterns for ~60 years. The key is to recognize the thinking and then focus attention elsewhere, on almost anything, to break the pattern even momentarily. That’s my assignment for this week, give it a try. 

Aye aye, Cap’n! Will do.