Jessicatoyou

No. there is nothing wrong with you. It's been a pretty tough year not only for trans people, but also for all human rights in general, as I see it. Religion has become a powerful political force in forcing their own dogma upon the populace and is furthering to entrench their exclusionary views of right and wrong, normal and abnormal, morality and immorality. I feel like we are being forced back to a time around the civil war era and everyone should be concerned, women, children, any marginalized groups, Blacks, Asians; you can go on and on. I AM DEEPLY SADDENED THAT AFTER MY 68 YEARS ON EARTH, SO MANY LAWS ARE SUCCESSFULLY BEING PASSED THAT ARE ATTEMPTING TO WIPE OUT THE ABILILITY OF SO MANY PEOPLE TO SURVIVE, MUCH LESS SURVIVE WITH DIGNITY. Would I ever de-transition, though? Never. At this point in life, I have never been more happy, comfortable and confident in being who I genuinely am. And I have no doubt that society is far better served by my being out, too! Whether they like it or not. I believe this will pass someday. Trans has been a part of society throughout the ages and will always be.

That's an entirely another topic. My own expectations were completely turned inside out and unexpected with respect to romantic relationships. I'll address that in another blog.

Isn't it funny but sad at the same time, that most of my life was lived in fear of anyone knowing my secret. Now, that my secret is out; I sense that some people are very afraid of me? If only everyone opened their eyes. I dream of that the day when no one will be afraid of each other.

I used to think that the few occasions throughout my life that I had tried on woman's clothing I was crossdressing. Now that I live my life in my authentic gender and have since 2019, I now understand clearly that when I presented most of my life as a man, THAT was when I was doing the crossdressing. Free now and forever.

Actually, I have to say I "began" my journey at a very young age; I have little doubt, at birth. I now can acknowledge that everything I did throughout life, I simultaneously imagined myself as "Jessica". You see, my self-image never matched my outward appearance and I always compared what I thought my life would have been like if it did. With EVERYTHING I did. Growing up, friends, relationships, family, work, play, sports, school, business and career, disappointments and accomplishments. I had never met anyone transgender, except several times when a trans woman in her early stages of coming out would dine in my restaurant with a few of her support group. They may have viewed me as hospitable, welcoming, and respectful, but in reality, I was fascinated. That was 1996, and I would keep my secret tight until 2018 when I began to really understand, address and accept my eventual mortality. The time was then or never.

Seems hard to believe, so much has happened since, but only 4 years ago I didn't have a clue what it was, this "thing called transitioning", but I was sure I was transgender. I began my journey at age 64, and it will never end, to say the least!☺️ Much more to come.

You left out one thing.... you are loved.

To clarify, NOT a dream!! Yes, you are her. I already see many similarities. 😉

My best guess without any reservation, YES! I already see many similarities.

The way to conquer hate....smother it with love... authenticity, honesty, goodwill, empathy, sympathy, understanding, appreciation, visibility, admission, commitment and community. Everyone is yearning for it, they only haven't really experienced it yet. And it begins with oneself before it becomes contagious.

Such a wonderful time for us to go through,...exploring, learning, listening, seeing, feeling, loving, and overcoming, too. Coming back to ourselves is kind of like a rebirth! Not a new one, but one that we were coerced to be removed from at a very early age, and now we're finally able to realize the joy in who we are! Learning from other women is the best path to becoming comfortable once again, and when others see it in you and feel your own comfort, only then will they understand. It's something we've always understood.🙋‍♀️

I figured out early on in I was without a doubt NOT cis-gender; but not able to make it my priority to learn, explore, or experiment. While I was not sure of my own gender, I was pretty certain that my sexual orientation was that of a heterosexual male. Therefore, when I transitioned, I fully expected to identify as female in gender and lesbian in orientation.. During my transition, my thinking evolved into that of embracing the masculine aspects of my identity and merging them with female aspects of my identity. That suited me just fine, but after my GRS and becoming very involved and active in a predominately cisgender community, I began to explore the possibility that my own sexual orientation could also have been defined somewhat by the societal expectations placed upon me in my early developmental years. In other words, as I was taught to assume a male role, was I similarly taught to shun sexual attraction to masculinity. Throughout my life, if I were to walk into a room with 100 people, I would notice the women and not the men. I purposely began to take a childlike approach with an open mind and explore and learn! I recently explored my sexuality with a rather "masculine" male and have to admit I enjoyed it. AS did he !! I now notice the men pretty distinctly equally with the women. Am I female, male, non-binary, hetero, gay, bi? I don't want to get limited by labels, but for sure am keeping an open mind and the world is really opening up to me, now, much more than I had ever expected or planned.

Cause for celebration! I can feel your happiness and it instantly makes me happy. You're going to love who you are! And everyone else will, too! I know.😉

Great step, Dee! Yes , from the sound of it, you're on YOUR way!!

So sad, Dee, and a good point1 You are correct. I, too, am at a loss to explain how the male species has held such a domineering influence over society. I, too, long ago became disgusted with many of my male counterparts. I think religion has played a huge role in this phenomenon. I have met many single (divorced) women and they are dynamic, smart, and simply have grown tired of being used, discriminated against, treated downright sub-human by the men formerly in their lives. I do believe times are-a- changing, though, and more woman are standing up and speaking out! Absolutely happy to now be associated with and identify with the female sex. Women should appease themselves first and foremost and resist being cast into an idea of behavior that is not their own, especially norms dictated by men. Seems to be one of the lessons I've learned transitioning.

Just a reaffirmation of Love to all of you on Valentine's Day! Our community is awesome, loving, and deserving of Love. It's one of the best things I've experienced being Transgender! ❣️😉🧐🙋‍♀️ Jess❣️

That is wonderful news, Dee! I know how it feels and share with you. I remember that "WOW! This is gonna happen" feeling. Don't let go of it!

Dee, your blog reminds me of some interesting dynamics that occurred with my sibling relationships. I think our transitions are hardest on our siblings and I have found that my siblings still do not really accept the fact, and perhaps NEVER will! At first they were on the surface accepting, but now I have come to understand they will most likely never accept it. They think they have lost a brother, but now are too wrapped up in themselves to learn about their sister. Little do they understand their brother is still a part of me, just as in my son's eyes his dad is still alive and will always be a part of me. You said: "She did however say that if I ever walked in wearing a straw like cheap barbie style wig that she would disown me. Which seems fair enough." I'm long done with allowing others to set the bar for what's appropriate! Especially my family! I think if you ever feel comfortable walking in wearing a cheap barbie style wig go for it. In fact, I'll join you, and throw in a cheap barbie mini skirt, too. LOL Yes, communication is key, as Monica pointed out. We do have to play a leading role in educating everyone, especially those whom we are close to. Remember, don't get discouraged. It takes time, and there is nothing wrong with it taking a lifetime, as long as you never again lose sight of who YOU are.🙋‍♀️

That is just so beautiful; I do know how that feels!!! You look awesome, too. I can almost feel you from the inside! From here I expect you will become more and more comfortable as you should be and the difficulty in presenting as him will become more burdensome. The happiness I experienced early on in authenticity was so much greater and peaceful than anything I felt before, it quickly became impossible for me to be anyone else but Jessica.❣️

So happy for you, Emma, and equally happy for your new interest! I don't believe love can be looked for, either! It just sort of stumbles upon you. Interesting movie in HULU .... "Elena Undone"

There is so much you can do while waiting for the professionals to catch up! Make yourself a list and allow it to become a priority starting with a little every day! I'll think of some of the things I did to prepare and try to put it in a blog soon. Keep going!!!!

I have noticed some discussion recently on the topic of Vagino-depth and thought my experience might be beneficial to some considering either/or. This is an especially important decision for anyone considering vaginoplasty, and many factors should be to be considered. I chose to opt for a full depth vaginoplasty, and my experience is limited only to that. I am now 15 weeks post op. During the year prior to surgery, I often flip-flopped over whether shallow depth would be the best option for me, considering my sexual preference towards women always seemed to be strongly dominant in my psych. I have never had a sexual relationship with a man nor was I curious about it, so I did not expect to suddenly become interested in the post-operative stage, either. Therefor it seemed unnecessary to create a deep vaginal canal for penetration from a man’s penis. But a lot can happen, so I didn’t want to limit my options. Another factor I had to consider was whether my penis length was sufficient to create enough worthwhile depth after my penile inversion vaginoplasty. I not only had my concerns, but my surgeon further emphasized the importance and need for stretching and tucking to maximize skin elasticity during the month prior to my procedure. I have also heard much about dilation and that in itself was always at the top of the list of cons in considering full depth vaginoplasty. Finally, I learned that I could still experience an orgasm through self-pleasure with my own penis, so even opting out of bottom surgery all together was still very much on the table. I was unsure if that would continue to work for me in the long run, though. Finally, I became interested in pursuing a relationship with a cisgender woman. Our relationship is somewhat intimate but not yet explicitly sexual. She is not lesbian, but still very attracted to me, nonetheless. It probably would have been acceptable to her if I did not undergo surgery at all. However, my experience as a man in sexual intimacy with a woman was that my penis was not necessary for my partner to achieve orgasm. I similarly also do not expect to have to rely on a man’s penis for me to become satisfied sexually, either. I will leave it at that. My procedure was July 28. My surgeon achieved a full 7-inch vaginal canal depth. Dilation is every bit uncomfortable as I heard and then some more! Doctors vary on how often and how long but follow the advice of your surgeon. It did get easier and less painful quickly, but it is very time consuming. I began dilation 8 days after surgery when I had my catheter, packing, and Foley bag removed. There are 4 sizes; I started with the smallest (diameter) twice a day for 30 minutes each. After another week I went to the next size and after 3 days began dilating 3 times a day. After another week, I began the routine using the 3rd size dilating tool. This becomes so much more difficult and painful, that when starting the dilation process, it is necessary to begin using the smallest size for 5 minutes, then the next size, then the next size for the remaining 20 minutes. It seemed at 3-4 weeks post-surgery; it would be impossible that I would ever be able to graduate to the final, largest dilator. Just looking at it makes you sweat. It is affectionately called the “Orange Monster” by those of us that lived beyond it. But…it does work and gets much easier and prepares your vaginal canal for whatever comes next. I am now at 15 weeks, still 3 times a day, and there is no pain in dilation now. My surgeon wants me to continue 3 times a day for a full year, then go to twice a day and once or twice a week after that, which only may be replaced by penetrating intercourse if that becomes the case. I began to explore my ability to self-arouse at about 8 weeks after my procedure. My vagina seemed to me to be well constructed and was beginning to look as pretty as any I have ever seen, except for some minor swelling and bloating of the pelvic area that would still take a few months longer to subside. At 15 weeks, it is very minimal. My clitoris is well defined, and I had my first female orgasm at 9 weeks post-op, only using clitoral stimulation with my fingers, which took a lot of concentration. It was pretty intense and better than I had always imagined. After a while I picked up 2 vibrating vaginal stimulators designed for exercising and training Kegel and pelvic floor muscles. Sexual arousal with vaginal penetration is far better than anything I could have possibly imagined, and I will just leave it at that! It is not difficult now to experience many intense orgasms continuously over a long sessions. For me, the decision to have a full depth procedure, was the right one, even when considering the extended healing, dilation, and maintenance. I still don’t expect to ever have an intimate relationship with a man, although, being active socially with either sex has an added degree of psychological pleasure and confidence, knowing you could be more intimate if ever you met the right person, male or female, or (neither).

You look absolutely fantastic from my point of view! As I've just celebrated my 66th birthday and guessing your in your 40s? You're way ahead of me! It's so nice to see you apparently mature in your acceptance of yourself. I never knew my depression until I experienced my true being and the euphoria becomes stronger and stronger with every waking moment! Keep embracing yourself😍

Happy Birthday! I'm so happy you have experienced the joy of receiving flowers; it surely is a reflective moment 💝. They are absolutely beautiful! You surely deserve them and many more!

Your nails are pretty...I always have a tough time with mine, but I find working on them always brings me more in touch with who I am, or rather who I always was🙋‍♀️. Make the most of this week, let yourself go some more...take a bubble bath, pamper yourself, put together the prettiest outfit you can , take Dee out for some fresh air a little every day!