Jessicatoyou

No. there is nothing wrong with you.  It's been a pretty tough year not only for trans people, but also for all human rights in general, as I see it.  Religion has become a powerful political force in forcing their own dogma upon the populace and is furthering to entrench their exclusionary views of right and wrong, normal and abnormal, morality and immorality.  I feel like we are being forced back to a time around the civil war era and everyone should be concerned, women, children, any marginalized groups, Blacks, Asians; you can go on and on.  I AM DEEPLY SADDENED THAT AFTER MY 68 YEARS ON EARTH, SO MANY LAWS ARE SUCCESSFULLY BEING PASSED THAT ARE ATTEMPTING TO WIPE OUT THE ABILILITY OF SO MANY PEOPLE TO SURVIVE, MUCH LESS SURVIVE WITH DIGNITY.  

Would I ever de-transition, though?  Never.  At this point in life, I have never been more happy, comfortable and confident in being who I genuinely am. And I have no doubt that society is far better served by my being out, too!  Whether they like it or not.  

I believe this will pass someday.  Trans has been a part of society throughout the ages and will always be. 

35 minutes ago, Emma said:

The reality of being a senior is that romance is hard to find, let alone finding someone who'll embrace our being trans. 

That's an entirely another topic.  My own expectations were completely turned inside out and unexpected with respect to romantic relationships. I'll address that in another blog.  

I used to think that the few occasions throughout my life that I had tried on woman's clothing I was crossdressing.  Now that I live my life in my authentic gender and have since 2019, I now understand clearly that when I presented most of my life as a man, THAT was when I was doing the crossdressing.  Free now and forever. 

Actually, I have to say I "began" my journey at a very young age; I have little doubt, at birth.  I now can acknowledge that everything I did throughout life, I simultaneously imagined myself as "Jessica".  You see, my self-image never matched my outward appearance and I always compared what I thought my life would have been like if it did. With EVERYTHING I did.  Growing up, friends, relationships, family, work, play, sports, school, business and career, disappointments and accomplishments.  I had never met anyone transgender, except several times when a trans woman in her early stages of coming out would dine in my restaurant with a few of her support group. They may have viewed me as hospitable, welcoming, and respectful, but in reality, I was fascinated. That was 1996, and I would keep my secret tight until 2018 when I began to really understand, address and accept my eventual mortality.  The time was then or never.

You left out one thing.... you are loved.   

To clarify, NOT a dream!!  Yes, you are her.  I already see many similarities. 😉

My best guess without any reservation, YES! I already see many similarities.

The way to conquer hate....smother it with love...  authenticity, honesty, goodwill, empathy, sympathy, understanding, appreciation, visibility, admission, commitment and community.

Everyone is yearning for it, they only haven't really experienced it yet.  And it begins with oneself before it becomes contagious. 

Such a wonderful time for us to go through,...exploring, learning, listening, seeing, feeling, loving, and overcoming, too.  Coming back to ourselves is kind of like a rebirth!  Not a new one, but one that we were coerced to be removed from at a very early age, and now we're finally able to realize the joy in who we are!  Learning from other women is the best path to becoming comfortable once again, and when others see it in you and feel your own comfort, only then will they understand.  It's something we've always understood.🙋‍♀️

On 9/23/2021 at 8:33 PM, Emma said:

It takes an open mind and a childlike approach to explore, experiment, and learn. 

I figured out early on in  I was without a doubt NOT cis-gender;  but not able to make it my priority to learn, explore, or experiment.  While I was not sure of  my own gender, I was pretty certain that my sexual orientation was that of a heterosexual male.  Therefore, when I transitioned,  I fully expected to identify as female in gender and lesbian in orientation.. During my transition, my thinking evolved into that of embracing the masculine aspects of my identity and merging them with female aspects of my identity.  That suited me just fine, but after my GRS and becoming very involved and active in a predominately cisgender community, I began to explore the possibility that my own sexual orientation could also have been defined somewhat by the societal expectations placed upon me in my early developmental years. In other words, as I was taught to assume a male role, was I similarly taught to shun sexual attraction to masculinity. Throughout my life, if I were to walk into a room with 100 people, I would notice the women and not the men.  I purposely began to take a childlike approach with an open mind and explore and learn!  I recently explored my  sexuality with a rather "masculine" male and have to admit I enjoyed it.  AS did he !!  I now notice the men pretty distinctly equally with the women.  Am I female, male, non-binary, hetero, gay, bi?  I don't want to get limited by labels, but for sure am keeping an open mind and the world is really opening up to me, now, much more than I had ever expected or planned.  

Cause for celebration!  I can feel your happiness and it instantly makes me happy. You're going to love who you are! And everyone else will, too! I know.😉

Great step, Dee!  Yes , from the sound of it, you're on YOUR way!! 

So sad, Dee, and a good point1  You are correct.  I, too, am at a loss to explain how the male species has held such a domineering influence over society.  I, too, long ago became disgusted with many of my male counterparts.  I think religion has played a huge role in this phenomenon.  I have met many single (divorced) women and they are dynamic, smart, and simply have grown tired of being used, discriminated against, treated downright sub-human by the men formerly in their lives. I do believe times are-a- changing, though, and more woman are standing up and speaking out! 

Absolutely happy to now be associated with and identify with the female sex.  Women should appease themselves first and foremost and resist being cast into an idea of behavior that is not their own, especially norms dictated by men.  Seems to be one of the lessons I've learned transitioning.

That is wonderful news, Dee!  I know how it feels and share with you.  I remember that "WOW! This is gonna happen" feeling.  Don't let go of it!

Dee, your blog reminds me of some interesting dynamics that occurred with my sibling relationships.  I think our transitions are hardest on our siblings and I have found that my siblings still do not really accept the fact, and perhaps NEVER will!  At first they were on the surface accepting, but now I have come to understand they will most likely never accept it.  They think they have lost a brother, but now are too wrapped up in themselves to learn about their sister.  Little do they understand their brother is still a part of me, just as in my son's eyes his dad is still alive and will always be a part of me.  

You said:  "She did however say that if I ever walked in wearing a straw like cheap barbie style wig that she would disown me. Which seems fair enough."  I'm long done with allowing others to set the bar for what's appropriate!  Especially my family!  I think if you ever feel comfortable walking in wearing a cheap barbie style wig go for it.  In fact, I'll join you, and throw in a cheap barbie mini skirt, too. LOL

Yes, communication is key, as Monica pointed out. We do have to play a leading role in educating everyone, especially those whom we are close to. Remember, don't get discouraged.  It takes time, and there is nothing wrong with it taking a lifetime, as long as you never again lose sight of who YOU are.🙋‍♀️

That is just so beautiful; I do know how that feels!!!  You look awesome, too. I can almost feel you from the inside! From here I expect you will become more and more comfortable as you should be and the difficulty in presenting as him will become more burdensome. The happiness I experienced early on in authenticity was so much greater and peaceful than anything I felt before, it quickly became impossible for me to be anyone else but Jessica.❣️

So happy for you, Emma, and equally happy for your new interest!  I don't believe love can be looked for, either!  It just sort of stumbles upon you. Interesting movie in HULU .... "Elena Undone"

There is so much you can do while waiting for the professionals to catch up!  Make yourself a list and allow it to become a priority starting with a little every day! I'll think of some of the things I did to prepare and try to  put it in a blog soon. Keep going!!!!

You look absolutely fantastic from my point of view! As I've just celebrated my 66th birthday and guessing your in your 40s? You're way ahead of me!  It's so nice to see you apparently mature in your acceptance of yourself.  I never knew my depression until I experienced my true being and the euphoria becomes stronger and stronger with every waking moment!  Keep embracing yourself😍

Happy Birthday!   I'm so happy you have experienced the joy of receiving flowers; it surely is a reflective moment 💝.  They are absolutely beautiful! You surely deserve them and many more!  

Your nails are pretty...I always have a tough time with mine, but I find working on them always brings me more in touch with who I am, or rather who I always was🙋‍♀️.  Make the most of this week, let yourself go some more...take a bubble bath,  pamper yourself,  put together the prettiest outfit you can , take Dee out for some fresh air a little every day!  

I'm very excited for you as well!

I love your story!  One thing I've learned is that most of the world is really really compassionate and supportive about transgender;; they're just as nervous about being open, accepting, and expressing it as we are at first!   ❣️

You look wonderful! No need to trim any pounds, though, in my opinion.☺️

I think I was in my late 30's when I just knew my "feeling" would never go away.  AND I  also simultaneously came to the realization that I was indeed sane, more so than  than most, if not all,  around me.  But because of the lack of information out there about gender, I became resigned that I would just have to remain in my born gender, as there were no other realistic alternatives.  However, I never stopped even for a second wondering and daydreaming what Jessica would be like....to look at in the mirror, to think like, what her friends would be like, even how she would work, love and be loved, and go about her daily routine..  Fast forward to now, at 65, I know, and it is not only what I imagined, but so much more.  Hold onto that warm feeling inside...it's called "you know something that very few others know".