12 minutes ago, Emma said:

Awesome story, Jessica. Transition is a huge spiritual journey too, isn’t it. 

A huge spiritual journey for sure!  And that journey continues well after vaginoplasty; it's actually the best part😊

Thank you sooo much Emma!  Kinda  feels like the TOP of the Hill🙋‍♀️

Beautiful photo, Emma; it speaks volumes on how far you've come.  As I'm mostly surrounded day to day by cis-gender folks,  I no longer think of myself as being anything other than "Jess", and with that, those around me see only a person named Jess.

On 6/30/2020 at 11:57 PM, Emilyruns said:

Hi Emma, thank you so much for your supportive words! I'm definitely no longer living in A. That switch happened about 9 months ago. So I'll go for either B or C. I've been seeing a lot of therapists too. They help a lot, but I think it will just take more time for my brain to (hopefully) find out where it is most comfortable. What really really irks me and causes me the most annoyance and anxiety is that things are not consistent. If only my brain would pick a spot and stay there. At this point I really don't care anymore where I end up. Could be a hermaphroditic newt. That'd be fine. It's the constant male / female switch that's driving me insane and to tears.

Venting helps though. Thanks for listening!

❤️

Emily, I get exactly what you mean by on and off again.  In my case, couldn't go back and forth girl to male almost immediately once I tasted the freedom and liberation of being true to myself and when I accepted that all the dominoes and barriers fell. 

Embrace yourself!

Hi Dee!

This is a very interesting observation, even though it came to you in dream form, and I expect you will have more. Embrace every one of them! 

Being "heterosexual" all my life, I think often about the future and am well in tune (I hope) with my changing body and thoughts about physical intimacy.  I thought I was certain that I would always remain attracted to female post surgery.  I'm not so sure, today. Some men, although very, very few, I encounter, trigger that "what if??" sensation in my mind, and in my heart.  And it is an awesome thought, too. I still, lean towards woman preferably, at this stage, but the point is I don't have a clue where I'll end up post surgery.  One thing for sure, I have no doubt it will be awesome!!! 

I also have had thoughts that I would be limited to only "those that gets what it means to be trans!".  My therapist made a statement to me: "it's just body parts".  That made me really think, and I guess it is now gonna boil down to the "person" that I become attracted to, not the sex.  May ultimately be male, or female, or MTF or FTM, or non-binary, who knows?? It should be someone that we both can grow further with each other.

I am now free, and becoming more so every moment.  

Jessica

On 3/19/2020 at 1:43 PM, ScottishDeeDee said:

 It is not the clothes you wear that make you Emily. It is how you express yourself, the clothes just help with that. 

 

Also , the clothes are not the reason your trusted and loved, it's what underneath the clothes.

I loved it!!!!

❤️

I did not "barrage" my son with transgender "stuff".  I asked him if he knew anyone trans; I told him, briefly what I felt and  I have been hiding it since I was a little boy, I always tried to do what was best for him and his Mom; wipe his mind clean of what he's heard about transgender people I would teach him the truth about me; I told him I expected much backlash and asked him if he would be my advocate. I told him to ask me questions, not now, but as soon when he thought of them.   He asked me if that means I was gay?  I said no; then I explained gender identity vs. sexual preference.  I let a week slide without bringing it up but now talk to him continually and drop a few more things about me each time.  He mainly wants to know what to say to other people.  

This was my SCARIEST moment!  It turned out to be my most rewarding moment in my process!  My son was 23; age would come into play with what you should say.  Prepare before, and teach your children that you love them UNCONDITIONALLY and they will know how to love you UNCONDITIONALLY.  

Hi Dawn,  Love and friendship to you, also!😘  I once perceived myself as having a fear of hurting those close to me.  That changed abruptly with the passing of my wife, my best friend of 35 years.  She was aware of my feminine side but never to the extent how dominant it actually was and when the time came for me to begin my transition, she became terminally ill, and never did.   Now I wish I never waited; I no longer believe it saved her from hurt; but rather prevented her from seeing and participating in my true happiness and peace.  Don't misunderstand me, I'm sure it would have made things difficult in our relationship, but I also feel now it would have made us even stronger.  When my wife passed I came to the realization life was too short to not live it with total honesty, not just for myself but especially towards everyone else around me. 🙋‍♀️

Wow, how true!  I was always so worried that I would lose friends, income, security, happiness, etc.  (Most of my life, I didn't know what happiness really is!)  I couldn't possibly comprehend the gains I am enjoying while at the same time anything I may have lost was never worth keeping!  Thanks, Dee!

BA, I never thought I would have, but I truly enjoyed your post about rats!  And the pictures were especially cute and adorable. Thank you😊 

Great to have you back!  As far as the magistrate, I'm thinking play the game, it's only temporary.  Have your lawyer be the advocate for you; you be the nice person.

Good luck and be safe!😘

Enjoy your day!  You look great!🙋‍♀️

Hi, I'm really happy to hear from you on TG Guide again! Also just love your new Mazda!  I think I speak for many that you've been an inspiration and I for one am truly grateful that you've shared your experience so completely and honestly.  I hope to hear more from you from time to time.  It has helped me far more than I can express. 

Hi Dee,  I really hope things get much better for you in the coming months: there is a lot on your plate, first and foremost, your new family structure. There is a lot to get used too and figure out right now.  I'm also happy your first therapy sessions are close to happening. At first, I never really expected to learn much from mine, but did without a doubt!  Ultimately it will be you that decides whether or not to go full steam ahead, not the therapist!  Good luck; we need many more decent people like you out there representing us right now.🙋‍♀️.  Keep looking through the clouds and you'll always see the sun.🌞

Picking Up the Pace a Bit!

Entry posted by Jessicatoyou · February 8

Oh gosh, I just reread this blog and I can't believe how everything has changed so much in just four months.   I will add more blogs about some of the more significant events, accomplishments and simple thoughts that would take up to much now.    A couple of notes though, since March,

1.  My final laser hair removal of beard.is next month.   Targeting only the dark hairs on my face and neck, the process being used is supposed to be permanent.  As no dark hairs seem to be growing back now, I'll be curious how effect it is over the long run.  Have also had about 30+ hours of electrolysis and most hair is gone from my face, but still mich more to do around the neck area.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          2. I'm 4 months into HRT and some significant body and emotional changes are underway.  While I'm not settling for just that in my transition I tend to think at this point I  would be just as happy even if facial procedures and GRS were not future possibilities.                                                                                                                                                                                                                       3.  Have legally changed my name and all gender markers to female and updated all records including licenses, Social Security, Medical, Birth Certificate and, one of the first things I did, my VOTER REGISTRATION.  The neat thing is, in NYS it can be done with having the records sealed, which was important for me as my son was a junior.                                                                           4. There is not a person on the planet who I need not be authentic with now.  I relied heavily on Dana Hoffman Fox's advice on coming out and my therapist gave me some additional good pointers when the time came.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              5. I have connected with most of my extended family using Facebook.  I never was into Facebook before and just started a page solely for the purpose of not allowing any to "hide me".  This worked,  and the funny thing is once one of my siblings "friended" me the rest of my cousins, aunts, uncles, nephews. nieces are reaching out to me!                                                                            6. I have established my presence and am becoming more involved in my two communities, both in NY and Florida.  I think this is extremely important as it is an opportunity for me to help "normalize" Transgender in society.  I often start out my day asking myself, "What can I do today???" with respect to that.                                                                                                                             7. I have met some really, really, really good people as Jessica, both transgender and cis.  I absolutely would do anything for them I could; I really love them all!                                                           8. Had some facial feminization procedures.  First, some fillers in lower and upper cheeks.  I didn't really notice much improvement and have decided since that was a waste out of my budget.  I am still recovering from a  "limited" Facial Surgery procedure (12 days ago) and while it is too early to tell, I should have gone this route or not at all. I would have loved to do more but had some tough budget constraints.  

I will try to give more details in these and some others through blogs in the coming weeks.                                       

11 hours ago, Christy said:

You are loved and you are not alone.

Well put.  This is the most common and significant message to me that came out of this year's pride.  No one should forget it. 😍

On 7/14/2019 at 8:18 AM, ScottishDeeDee said:

Do we become trans as a result of trauma we receive or do we receive trauma because we are trans and more vulnerable before we transition? x

I can't really say I've experienced "trauma" either as a cause or effect of transitioning, and know I'm fortunate in that respect.  But then again, life was not nearly  it as fulfilling as it has become once I resolved to accept "my own authenticity".  Yes, all of us are different yet the same.

Loved the looks, too!  You'll know when it's definitely right or definitely not;  I can't remember what turned the point for me, but maybe something to think of!  Time is on your side.

Hi.  Happy to hear from you; but there is never any need to apologize.  We're all going through this together and we will get through it together.🤷‍♀️

18 hours ago, Emma said:

I get afraid a lot, even today when I talked with a therapist about some of my emotional baggage. I wish at times that I could be more steadfast that, screw it, I am authentically me, and if you don’t like it the heck with you. But that’s not my style and, again speaking only for me, claiming that fearlessness would be sweeping my true feelings under the rug. 

I think fear is normal and natural when humans face unknowns, are vulnerable, and claim authenticity that flies in the face of convention. 

Obviously, Jess, I’ve no idea what’s going on for and within you. But, if you are burying any fear with bluster, I suggest allowing yourself to feel and experience your fear and move through it which I’m sure you will. 

Hi Emma; your reply really confused me.  My original blog back in  October was about not trusting people and not letting any one to close to me rather than "fear".  Of course there are many things to fear and rightfully so, and perhaps we all grew up afraid someone would "find out"!  I think in my life, and was only thinking about things in my life, that was predominantly the driving factor in why I would not let anyone really close to me, "the fear of someone finding out" I did not think I was being judgmental about anyone in particular and merely meant to convey that 8 months after that blog, and fully transitioned excepting the waiting period I'm required to endure for GRS.  And now that I've come this far, I have no longer have an "inner circle" and it is quite an awesome feeling🕊️. Rest assured I do not bury fear with bluster.😍 Your friend, Jess

Have just began going over my earliest blogs to see where I've been and compare it to where I am.  I found this blog interesting; it no longer applies.  Notably, I did take Christy's advice and have broken out from my "inner circle" since I posted this almost a year ago.  Thank you Christy, Monica and Emma.

"Inner Circle"

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Entry posted by Jessicatoyou · October 9, 2018

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On 10/9/2018 at 4:44 PM, Christy said:

Yes. Freedom. That is the greatest gift, the freedom to be me. All the flaws, warts and beauty that I possess I show to the world without fear. This intern brings more people into my inner circle and that vulnerably allows them to invite me into theirs. Thus, we have the circle ⭕️ of life’s meaning. Life is about the people, the rest is just stuff. In order to be truly free you have to be able to let go of everything you love. Not to throw it away just be okay if it’s not there. So I would encourage you to open your heart because you deserve too. 😊 but hey I’m a big scaredy-cats sometimes too🙄

4 minutes ago, ScottishDeeDee said:

, so I am starting to wonder if I am depressed about my gender or depressed because of my work/life situations both of which are alright, but not amazing at the moment, or if it is simply stress because I am worrying about the future rather than living in the present.

Hi Dee, for myself, I eliminated the first two possibilities.  The third fit me more, but I really had to plan and learn how I would be able to live in the present and live authentically.  I can tell you now though, after exclusively "Jess" for almost 4 months, my life is truly more and more "amazing" every day.