Jessicatoyou

7 hours ago, Christy said:

So I’ve been taking small steps out into the world not as boy or girl but just as myself without trying to cover anything up.

That is the key!  Has worked well for me.  As you learn to be comfortable with yourself, everyone around you will be comfortable and then you'll be even more comfortable, and on And On!  

"None of this has anything to do with being trans other than the fact I look at myself in the mirror and see some hairy bald guy staring back and I ask myself just who it is I think I am kidding. I am paying out all this money to remove my facial hair and I just think to myself that I am being stupid. I do not look like a woman, I do not sound like a woman, how would I ever know if I think like a woman when I've never been one? 

I grew up a boy, thinking I was a boy, I was a fairly typical adolescent and thought I was a male adolescent, I grew into a man and got married and had children, yet somehow I have ended up here spending almost 10 months of my life almost constantly obsessing about my gender and for what? What does transitioning actually get me? What is the benefit? Because I honestly don't know. I am supposed to be finding myself but in reality I am more lost and confused then I have ever been."- Scottish Dee

Wow!  You cloned the exact thoughts I had only 7 months ago, pretty much word for word, well before I was full-time authentic or beginning HRT!  I haven't had that same thought for a long time now and now I only wonder why did I wait so long.  I know I don't look like a woman, but I sure know what it is like to feel like one now and I rarely if ever get a funny look from anyone when I'm out and about running errands, shopping, working, or whatever.  You are much younger than I and certainly have much more in the "facial feminine features" category than I.  I think my comfort as Jessica has much more to do with living 100% as Jessica than anything else, i.e., HRT .  Just sitting in your house is not good; use the time and freedom to experience yourself as Dee a little bit everyday even if you can only for a little bit, because of your work or other responsibilities.  And go out! as Dee, take a ride; take a walk, anything.

I don't mind sharing this photo with you (or any one else on TG). A family photo taken yesterday.  See that smile on my face?  I'm gonna be  65 in a few months and never had that before in my life..  In fact that is the number one compliment I get from everyone who knew that "Bald hairy guy" who disappeared just a few months ago!

Most importantly..... while you are going through the changes in your family structure, Keep your kids close to you. I mean talk to them often, listen to them always, and give them your advice no matter where they are or who they are with. That's my son and his girlfriend sitting next to me in the photo.

Here's hoping you feel better soon!  🙋‍♀️😋  Jess

Don't know a whole lot about meds;: scare the hell out of me, but so many meds a day may be causing some interactions?  Maybe have your primary doc or pharmacist thoroughly review your daily cocktail??  I'd bet some were prescribed long ago and may no longer be relevant nor helpful..  Many times simple things like vitamin D (from the sun 🌞) combat and relieve feelings of depression.  

Now, that's  good! And we think we have problems?? L0L  I have to tell you, that made MY day!

Dee, Happy Father's Day.🙋‍♀️

1 hour ago, ScottishDeeDee said:

I felt natural but I really want to know if that came across or not (just in case I'm using rose tinted glasses)

Sounds to me like you had a great first experience out.  Your " standout highlights"  were exactly what the doctor ordered, !  Your next excursion will bring many more new ones, each as satisfying and more profound for your own psyche and self realization and before long Dee will be the most natural you that ever was; you'll know longer want to know, you'll KNOW.  I ran into a friend last week (on purpose) whom I used to see several times a week for the last 15 years, but had not seen since I closed my business about 7 months ago.  Had a great talk he never had a clue about Jess.  When I got home he texted me.... Congratulations, he likes it, and has never, ever seen me so happy and natural.  Looks forward to him and his wife getting together with me again soon.

Beautiful!

Take me with you??? LOL.  Wish I could!  My advice? Keep a huge smile on your face and let everyone feel how good you feel.

Hi Emma, you brought up a subject that weighed me down for so many, many years until I finally reconciled during a long process (almost life-long) of self examination.  I can only relate to myself as we are all different and similar, but still quite unique in our own right.   That is just it, I am unique, I don't think of myself as a woman, but never ever thought of myself truly as a man...for sure.  I am transgender, which is quite a remarkable thing, and I am happy beyond any belief I could have ever expected..  I truly believe I have the best of both genders, now, and not everybody can say that.  Have always wanted to be some beautiful, shapely, feminine girl with long flowing hair, but that's never gonna happen, no matter how much surgery I get.  But....nobody on this planet is better than Emma, just as nobody on the planet is better than Jessica, either, and that holds true for all of us!  I may never be able to get GRS, much less FFS, but you know what?  I'm gonna make damn sure that other people see me as I feel, not as I look, and I'm proud of it.

Jess🙋‍♀️   

Yes, Dee, I truly understand the need to be guarded as we grow our transition.  Very important, but it is also very liberating when we are able to situate  ourselves past that need for confidentiality and hiding,  Go slow and thoughtfully, there are many times I've said Oh gosh what am I doing? But now far more often I say why didn't I address this far earlier in my Life??  You'll see,  and have fun and appreciate learning more about yourself along the way,😎 . 

 "How would she feel if she knew that I was planning on going out and spending almost a full weekend as Dee at the end of this month, just to see how I feel about it?  Which at the moment is equal parts wanting to squeal with excitement and terror! "

Kind of ties in with the recent topic, "What advice would you give to your younger self?"   …….ASK HER!!!!      You may (probably) find out you have a real good (genuine) friendship or more ahead of you.  If not it wasn't meant to be.  On the other hand, she could become one of your best advocates.  I think my first "full weekend" cemented things for me; it turned into a full 10 days.  And, then spending Jess time with other human beings really opened my eyes quickly!  Have a good time.😜🙋‍♀️

Hi Dee,  

My thoughts on your ex-wife's partner and your son?  Your son may feel he has to choose between you and him which is an incorrect assumption.  He can have either or both, or one or the other, or neither either.  Just make sure he knows you'll always have his back as he works through this adjustment and nothing will ever change between him and you.  Just keep him talking to you even if it's about nothing.  You'll always be his DAD, but now you can to be his friend, too.

On being a fraud? Get that, totally.  Unfortunately, transitioning doesn't allow us to wave that magic wand and transform.  We have to go back and forth because a lifetime of relationships have been formed, as have responsibilities, commitments, and expectations, too.  It takes time and a plan to deal with all of them; we don't really desire to discard them but just figure a way to be true to them as who we really are.  

On hair removal?  Sorry Dee, it's a bummer.  Going for my 5th of 6 laser sessions in 2 weeks, and have had some 25 hours of electrolysis so far.  Definitely night and day with regard to shaving but not close yet to where I'd like to be.  I still have to shave daily ( I present 99.9% as Jess now), but most times only have to touch up with my electric razor.  Only 2 weeks into HRT and have heard that it will get easier hair-wise; I'll see how that goes. Still shaving the rest of my body.

On eating?  I never cared much about my weight before.  I started getting serious some 3 years ago and lost 55 lbs. slowly but methodically.  Jessica's weight today is not too bad although I still would like to shed another 10 lbs.  I weigh myself every morning first thing and get a quick jolt when I've succumbed to those "late night goodies".  I mean I don't want to make myself suffer, so I think my only alternative is to pick up the pace with some sort of exercise? 

On "fitting in with nice people"?  I'm pretty new at being a transwoman too.  Actually, before I never really fit in with anyone.  Oh, it was always just superficially, but now it's not "par" for the course.  It is the course.🙋‍♀️

Yes, put me in a good mood this morning after watching!  (was already in a good mood, but really, really good, now).  Found myself skipping, stomping and clapping in my seat!  Maybe strange thoughts now, but get used to those;  the kind of the thoughts we always wished we could enjoy and express..🙋‍♀️

Sounds like such fun!  Love the music as well as the dance.😊

This is a wonderful and important step for you; sharing yourself with some of those most important to you.  I know the gratification that comes from that, especially when it turns out to be a "non-event".  I'm finding those "non-events" are ironically our biggest barriers to moving forward, and am now thinking ahead of that curve to get in front of them.  Enjoy your week of freedom.☺️

Okay....your  "pass" is granted!!! LOL.  

Every morning, awaken and look in the mirror and love what you see.  

Learn how to loose the fear and awkwardness in presenting and go out into the world proud of being your true self.

Discover new friends and relationships that have always been around you, but you've never seen before.

Unearth your buried personality and be in awe how it is now growing and flourishing like it never has before.

Go to sleep every night knowing that tomorrow there will be something new and exciting to look forward to again and again.

Laugh at yourself and see the humor, grace, love, and compassion in many others at the same time.

See what it's like to never stop smiling, and really, really appreciating the life given to you.

But seriously, too, these are some of the things I never expected, they just came out of the blue.  Keep your options open, go with your gut and be honest with yourself first and foremost.  I think my decision became truly cemented only just a short time ago, and now have not had a thought of regret or fear, since  Time is on your side.  🙋‍♀️

Hi Dee.  I reacted to your post with a "💜" largely because many of the frustrations you expressed have been shared and similarly experienced by myself.  I can only say how my thoughts evolved to where I am now.  It seems like the timing of your divorce is out of your control for now, so I would place that in "things to look forward to " category of my life priorities and focus more on those I have more control of in moving forward. I also agree with the necessity of guarding your gender openness until the divorce is finalized, but the time will come when that is behind you, too. Similarly the long wait you have for your gender clinic appointment is equally frustrating, but the stress can be alleviated by using the time to prepare for and the process. If you haven't yet, I would seek a competent gender therapist, as the clinic may require it before moving forward which will result in more waiting time. It is not an easy task to "live authentically" when my whole life I've always known deep down, but built my relationships, my employment, my goals around a gender identification that was incorrect, but it is exhilarating to make that journey to authenticity. My "mind" had to learn first before my "body" could express it, if that makes any sense?   It's like slowly but surely, I'm shedding my baggage, and my shoulders are getting lighter and lighter all the time.  

For your thoughts surrounding what relationships will be like as Dee, remember YOU OWN YOURSELF NOW,  therefore no one can ever disown you.  That's probably the most gratifying feeling of living authentically for me; before now and throughout my life I was always "owned" by what I was supposed to do for others, and disregarded what I needed to do for me.  You do not need to tell anyone until such time it is right for you and you will know when that time is right.  

Enjoy pride weekend with your niece and take as little or as much of Dee with you as your comfortable with and enjoy the time owning yourself.  It's never been a struggle for me becoming Jessica; the struggle lied in losing the self identity as cis male that should never have been mine to begin with.

Hi Emma, had to look it up, (the Benjamin Scale).  I would say most of my life up to 10 years ago I "saw"  myself as "IV" on the scale, and since have seen myself as a VI although in reality I've probably always been "VI" most of my life, I just never knew it before.. , but I know now😍 .  Yes it is very important to be visible, one of the most important things we can do as a group, if we are able to,  to help others struggling with their gender.   I intend to keep my place in any community I'm in because I help build it, and have my whole life; I'm a part of it and it's a part of me. Also funny how the more you get out authentically, the easier and more natural it becomes and feels.  I rarely even think of my self as transgender anymore when I'm out in public, now💇‍♀️ 

Talk to her;  get her to talk to you and listen to her.

I didn't really choose my life as Jessica,  I think it was inevitable.  For too long I chose the male and the female never, ever stopped nagging me.  It's only when I stopped trying to choose it, that all the possibilities opened up to me.  As far as insecurity goes,  I think I always thought of my self as somewhat secure?  Probably was wrong in that assumption; at 64 years old I feel a new, stronger sense of security in myself that was relatively unknown to me. Hard to explain, but food for thought, and that sense feels good to me.

Or maybe let life choose you, instead😎

Sounds like a great day! ☺️ Hope it can extend into your weekend, too.  Always good to laugh at yourself,  at the very least keep smiling at yourself, because you know what no one else knows.  It can't be tested; I gave those up a long time ago!  I did a 415 score on the "Cogiati" and thought the white ambulance was gonna knock on my door any second, LOL.  Never had a suicidal thought in my life, and if I never transitioned I'd probably be okay, but damn I've never been Happier than since I put my foot down and said I'm gonna do this!  I'm  just go with my gut feeling now because I know what no one else knows.  The mere fact that I think it means I know it.🙋‍♀️

I didn't notice much either until about 3 weeks in after constant washing, moisturizing and shaving.  By the time my 2nd session came I didn't think they'd find any dark hairs, but I could feel the laser was finding a bunch.  Now, 3 weeks after there are no dark hairs even after not shaving for several days. which means no shadow and that used to be a problem twice a day until I started this. Also started electrolysis a week after my first laser and that's pretty tedious. Still have to shave because of the light hair growing; but now making a dent in that too.  Most of what's left is on my neck and lower jowls. 

Sure glad I didn't purge this time!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL

Funny, you said,  "what on earth am I doing"  …..same words I used after my first session. LOL

Hi Dee,  your picture looks much like my neck (and face) after my first laser session.  But should by now (after a week)be almost back to normal.  The reason ( I think) is that many of the hairs "zapped" need time to work their way out of the pores.  Feels kind of like acne.  Washing with a defoliating cleanser and using a non- oily moisturizer helps.  Aloe alleviates some of the discomfort as does Witch Hazel.  The good news is after my second session, the condition lasted one day, if that, and it's great not to have to worry about any "5 o'clock shadow" any more.😍