Create your own blog at TGGuide.com. It's FREE and you can start right now. Some people blog as a sort of journal to share our thoughts, feelings, experiences and insights. Others blog to express opinions on social and political issues. Others blog to share their knowledge and experience with others. Go ahead. Express yourself! Others may be grappling with issues you blog about and your words could provide useful insight or answers.
Here are some blog topic ideas to get your creative juices flowing;
A daily journal about your life and experiences
A journal documenting when you go full time
A journal to document your gender reassignment surgery
Dating experiences and tips
Experience with makeup
Passing in public
Your experiences when you go out in public
Transitioning at work
Dealing with counselors or medical personnel
Introspection about your particular gender identity
Dealing with or overcoming self-limiting beliefs
Dealing with addictions
Dealing with self-destructive behaviors
Interactions with police or government workers
Changing your drivers license, birth certificate, etc.
Applying for jobs
Your big day, when you go full time
Hormonal development (please don't discuss dosages or make medical type recommendations)
Experiences with electrolysis
How other members of your new gender react to you, and your experiences
Your recommendations to others about to follow your path
Your thoughts about whether surgery is necessary to be your desired gender
Differences in how you feel dressed or not dressed
What your life would be like if you still repressed your inner identity
Poetry or prose
These are a few ideas to get you started. Feel free to leave comments to suggest your own ideas, or just start a blog and share with everyone.
Just log into your control panel to start your own blog. This could be interesting!
Well I just spent a couple of days up in Asheville NC and allowed myself to present as female more than I ever had before. Still very tomboy ish but hey I was with my little one and didn’t want to freak him out. Plus that just me. I still haven’t had the talk with him yet so I needed to keep the presentation at a minimum until I tell him out right. He was fine with the way I looked and didn’t say anything. We had a great time with lots of laughs and fun eating at great restaurants. There are many fantastic artists there as well so that was inspirational for both of us. This was the first time I allowed myself to push the envelope so to speak. Girly jeans(hips), tight top(boobs), a very little bit of makeup, sandals with nails all polished (toes too), cap for the bad hair and using a slightly slightly slightly more feminine voice. I was just letting out the real me a bit more then I had before. The crazy thing is that I wasn’t trying to act more feminine it just came out pretty naturally(except for the voice). I guess I wasn’t thinking about how to act whether it be male or female. I wasn’t presenting for the world and wondering whether people bought the sales pitch, I was just being me. It helps that I know not a soul in that area. There were some questionable looks but nothing bad just people trying to figure me out and everyone was pleasant too me and my boy. In the small times that I felt awkward ish I just remembered to stay confident with myself. To look people in the eye and speak clearly. Hold my head up high without being a phony or pushy. Just be the fun happy person you are! That’s it. This experience gave me the confidence to move forward with transition in other areas of my life. I think I can move forward with my plan for coming out. I am no longer stuck. The crazy thing is that a bunch of events happened along the way to make this easier for me. Kind of like the universe helping me out. I will have a sit down conversation with my parents this week and tell them what my general plan is because they are my main support group. If and when they are comfortable I will set a time to tell my wife. I will give everyone time to absorb the information and decide what this means for them and if they want to be a part of my life in the future. I have gotten to a place mentally where I’m ok if nobody accepts me. I have built my social network up from scratch at least 4 times in my life so I’m pretty confident I can do it again and I do like a challenge (Family was always solid). I have done a lot of research on being transgender/transsexual from others experiences and the medical world but I’m still learning. One thing that fascinates me is the DES son issue. I am almost positive that my mom was given the drug while pregnant with me and I will ask her about it when we have our talk. I need to be careful though as I don’t want her to blame herself for what I have been dealing with over the years (or my dad). I do want to know just for myself and if she passes away suddenly I’ll never know. She has always been a ball of stress and from what I have been reading that can cause hormonal fluxes but I’m NOT blaming anyone. She was under tremendous stress while pregnant with me. I have been helping her with that for years and she will call me for guidance at times. I love being me and when the world gets to see the real me it responds back in a positive way. I just need to get out of my own way I guess. The future is a mystery and I am excited for it. Thank you Asheville!
Feel free to ignore me, I'm just venting to try not to explode. I'm super frustrated as we're so close to escaping my froot loopy idea to stay with my mom (man, I moved back into my awful childhood, what was I thinking that this would work out okay???) and it feels like everyone is trying to stop me.
First Nikki got mad at me: my fault, and sorta not my fault, I was trying to do research, I didn't realize any mortgage brokers were going to CALL HIM I thought I was just gathering intel or I would have told him what I was up to, he was blindsided and annoyed. I wasn't trying to jumpstart anything, but I did. Just like we bought the first house by accident, we sorta started on this path again by accident. But once he got over the shock of what I was up to, and I was able to talk it out with him about having had the talks at work to make sure they are keeping me, getting made formally a full time actual employee, and making sure my income and position are secure, and running the numbers, I realized we COULD afford the second mortgage for cheaper than the apartment we were trying to find that would take fat pooch. (most of them have a weight limit of 35 pounds, at her skinniest my poochie is 42 pounds). And can I just say landlords, crazy laziness makes you look like froot loops, the 35 to 50 pound cat limits are nuts. What do you think we have, cougars? So Nikki got on board faster than I did and I was the one researching the option. Then I got panicky and Nikki had to gently shove me back into the mindset that we're going to do this. And, of course, I had to put my 20th anniversary budget into the downpayment instead. So if we don't sell other house, no anniversary glory for me, I'll just try to move my expectations to the 25th. That's a big milestone too.
Then there was the actual house hunting, the ups and downs of trying to match desire to budgets. That sucked. And of course I fall for one higher than we wanted, but still affordable and cheaper monthly than the apartment we were looking at. But she fits my criteria (two bathrooms, nice kitchen cuz since we started dash living has mattered more and more), room for my pool, and lots of room, its' big) and Nikki's criteria (mostly move in ready, nice yard, older architecture, central air), and in our target chosen dream town we wanted to go to on a lovely street.
Then we made the offer, on the same day that someone else did! Some jerk bid on my house! And I went into a tailspin of this isn't going to happen and trying to divorce myself from my emotional attachment to it, only to get it. LOL
Then there was a long wait for inspections, vacations, appraisals, and some sort of unreasonably long wait for the title agency to do thier thing that had the seller, us, the realtor, and our lender all cranky about the hold up.
NOW there is some wibbling with the underwriters about the electricity in the living room. I've lived iwth the sockets not working in my current house forever, why in hell would this be a dealbreaker for me now? *cranky* So I sent the home inspection that says it does, but there is a problem with teh elctrical box, with the seller is fixing, so I probably now have to wait for the realter to get a statement from the electrician before I can close and move.
I just want to go. Living here is sucking out my soul, and as usual here is the only place I can admit that. I probably need to go back into therapy once we're down to one mortgage because I am so not okay in my head, and I've go SO far backwards inside. I can't even tell anyone with a connection closer than the other side of the internet that I'm not okay, which is old me and hasn't been a problem for ages for me. Nikki has no idea how bad it is in my head, and I can't make myself say it. And writing even here is scary because that stupid little voice that is out to get us in our heads is all "Emma knows your phone number, you can end up having to talk about this voice to voice". Even though I rationally know Emma would ask first.
I hope moving will make it better. Nikki will be massively happy. Nikki wants less commute, girl time, and less asthma problems for me (no carpet in the new house, carpet all over here). I just want time to rebuild myself into who I actually made myself without the influence of my family and moving back into those influences. I need out, I think I'm slowly imploding.
How much longer can it take to get the green light to move really? When did I lose everything inside I worked so hard to gain?
It's a weird time in my head, because I'm gaining a sense of self-worth through my job I've never had before, while reinforcing all the things that made sure I never had one at home at the same time. I'm back and forth between really happy and really miserable.
In other words, life is happening I guess.
It's been one year since my wife died--yesterday to be exact. It has certainly been a year of adjustment for me. I have had to deal with loss for sure, but it has also allowed me to come out and express myself and to be more honest about who and what I am. That has been very liberating, and the friends I have made on this site have been there with me with their sage advice and wisdom. It is much appreciated. Now today, I have made another big step in listing my house for sale. Initially, I had been hoping to keep it a while longer, but unfortunately, my income from AFLAC has not been enough to meet my expenses, and I need to downsize. Frankly, I don't need this big a house--not that it's that big--but it has a fair size yard, and all my free time seems to be spent maintaining it. I still have a little left in savings, and I want to get out while I still have a cushion. I plan to rent a mobile home locally for a while to see how that goes and how I like it. I can move anywhere now, but would kind of like to stay in Florida. Anyway, I'll keep writing about the experience--I have a lot of stuff to get rid of for starters.
I am on the edge of my seat. I am going to transition, I want to transition and I’m ready to deal with the outside world. My wife and kids are the only thing stopping me. I am stuck! I am stuck! I am stuck! Some days I just want to blurt it out and I have been really close at times. But I don’t want to be selfish. Blurting it out seems like it will shock everyone. I feel like it’s getting into a hot bath. Everyone needs to ease into the tub. Maybe I’m just procrastinating. Then other days it seems like the world will come crashing down upon my life and love ones. So I have to step back for a bit until it passes. I will say that on a positive note my body has been changing, boobs are becoming obvious and I don’t hide them. My butt is filling out hips, skin, hair is soft but short, laser. Etc. I am healthier now then I have been in a long time. But I am stuck!!!
I posted this in the mtf forum and it was suggested that I post it here as well.
Well after many long hours of thought I think I am ready to tell my wife and then kids. I have a tremendous amount of fear that my marriage will be over and that I will do great harm to my kids psychologically. I don’t want to do harm but I know that I can’t hold back for much longer. I was watching YouTube videos done by Natalie from New Zealand and really admire the way she has done her transition. This is the order in which she has come out. Before doing Anything she decided she needed to transition. Then she told her wife. She started that conversation by handing her a laptop with an article about gender dysphoria and asked her to read it (I would love to know what that was). Then they talked. She was terrified as I am. That conversation went well but the wife was a bit shell shocked. They came to an understanding and then she sat the kids down to let them know. She made it a goal to reassure them that they were not going to lose their parents and their security. The kids were confused about what this meant but after some crying and time they embraced it. After the family was told (and I am assuming close family and friends) she told the world on face book and employment. Now she did all of this while still presenting as male and before starting hrt. This gave people some time to absorb the idea and process the way they felt about it. Then she had time to start. People knew that this was coming but she was still presenting as male for some time and then she slowly started to change. I feel that this way of starting transition really reduced the shock of being trans (to others and herself). I plan on taking a similar approach (although I already started HRT). I still present as male but I am far more girly than I was before. I was hoping that one of you might have a great article or website that I could give to my wife that would set the tone and understanding of what this all means. I just can’t decide. I want to start this off as best I can. Once this initial conversation happens I will have a better idea of what my life might look like. I will and do have a support group around me in case this all goes sideways on me. I am assuming that the marriage will be over. We will see. I think my kids will be okay after some time of knowing what is coming but nothing really changes overnight. They will need time to adjust. Once my family is all set (hopefully) I will come out to the world. I don’t plan on presenting as female (in public anyway) until I feel comfortable enough. If it were just me I would have a different plan but that’s life. I have been preparing what to say with my therapist but I don’t feel confident at all. I see myself forgetting everything and getting really emotional. I can’t believe I am going to do this but I need to live so.... I have to. This is all consuming mentally and I am having a difficult time finding relief in a healthy way.
If you girls have any ideas on this I would love to hear.
I am terrified.
So fat iv been on hrt for like 10 months but am only counting it as 2 because that's how long I been on the injectable form . And so far so good so on the second round of lupron I discovered there's only one dose you can get I had to ask because I noticed semi arousal oppose to nothing with the spironolactone. And that's once a month still not sure if I can get more than one dose ? And the weekly esterdiol is the lowest dose of close to it 5ml a week I want more as I noticed a pleasurable feministic attitude that weres off so hopefully still waiting on results of current estrogen level. Ok so growth yes getting perky breasts and I obviously want bigger if I where a bra though it looks like I'm wearing a bra if I dont it looks like I got boobs if I fold my arms somebody say I look like a football player witch really made me mad like omg so mad swearing and everything very bad expressionism excuse me but whatever .o so yes I can be very moody if provoked and i think that can be animated considering my hrt so i do keep that in mind . Also my weight distribution is not ideal as i have a nice butt now looks like a bubble and female so that's good but my legs got thicker some pants dont fit anymore and i got a belly , so waiting till all that stops as it only started 2 months ago and that equals 35 pounds. Also no motivation to work still trying to get a grip with that as far as what is the cause and am led to believe its my hiv and meds from that witch is just one pill genvoya and that started the motivation loss prior to being diagnosed so definitely hiv not the meds from it .o I'm also undetectable and my cd 4 #s were last over 500 I forgot exactly , so far I'm on welfare as I kept getting injured doing work that normally takes 2 well fit men to do and cant get up in the morning and cant sleep at night either so working on that still with my dr s. In the mean time having no income it's a fight to eat and have food or have clothes and I worry alot about homelessness but somehow I been staying afloat without doing anything bad so that's good and trying to find work that I can do that's not so bad to do and I do find it as scarce as it is . Well I'll be back again to share how my transition is going In a bit till then blessings and be kind
So that job Nikki took last year has been going well, he's still there, and I have joined up also. More money than I've ever made, and while the working conditions are extremely chaotic and we don't have much time for a personal life, it's weirdly satisfying and they seem to like me. And it enabled us to afford to buy another house while we wait to sell the one we still own. Which of course means my NJ friends aren't talking to me for this week after I showed them the Zillow ad and admitted I negotiated under asking price, which could maybe buy me a garden shed back home. I do miss NJ still, but who can afford it these days!
Nikki's doing wonderfully despite not being in therapy since she passed, but he plans to find a new one once we are settled. I get not wanting to start over twice, and I hope he gets one he likes as much. I think he's way more stable these days than I am.
Of course, I also am the one that came up with the idiot plan to move in with my mom to try to sell our house. *smirks* Self-inflicted injury. But we are moving FINALLY sometime in the next month or two. Still married, still going along with the flow, have managed to NOT injure myself with Nikki's breast forms lately (brownie points to anyone who remembers that story!). Although I did manage to nearly kill myself with mom's weird bathtub, the kind that goes waist high that you walk in and bath in without having to step over the tub wall with this odd shaped door by slamming my head into it full bore when I dropped something. Some days it's a wonder I live. Nikki also wants me to go back to a therapist, he did some research and thinks I've been misdiagnosed with add instead of adhd, as apparently it presents differently in women, but they'd only done the research on male children back in my day. If he's right it explains a lot. *Looks around* I refused to tell him how many of the criteria I fit when he was asking me about the list, I'll get a pro to re-diagnose me thank you very much. LOL
Hope you are all doing well!
Looking back, I accepted my birthdays quite happily and proudly except for the last year before the decade turned and the first year of the new decade.
For instance, I grieved turning 19, as I knew this was the last year I could call myself a teenager, and grieved a little more at 20, as I knew I was not only no longer a teenager, but never will be again.
This happened at ages 29 and 30, as I knew I was leaving "young adulthood" behind.
Again, at ages 39 and 40, I knew I was definitely middle aged.
At 50, I realized I was medically a senior.
And now, at 59 turning to 60, I definitely was a senior!
Sometimes, I am unexpectedly reminded that I am getting older, such as the time I visited a beautiful library in downtown Brooklyn, that was filled with young people. Finally I found a seat, among a large group of teenagers, and I settled down to my work. Noticed adults pacing up and down between the tables. Finally I got up and asked the librarian if it was OK to sit where I was, and she answered that I was sitting among high school students taking their SAT's! The adults walking around them where proctors! Apologized, and moved my stuff. This scene reminded me so much of myself when I was their age, and how different I am now to what I was then.
Somehow, I seem to see my life by decades.
0 - 10 Child
10 - 20 Preteen and teen
20 - 30 Young adult
30 - 40 Young middle-aged
40 - 50 Older middle-aged
50 - 60 Young senior
Interestingly, the last few years I dream about being 18 - 22 years old and not using mobility aids (a cane)!
In my case, I feel like in my early 40's, except when I am reminded that I am 60 when I look in the mirror or notice I suffer more aches and pains than in the past.
Recently I had what I call, "The Linear Dream." At the time I was 58. There was a marked linear line, marked off by feet. At the other end of the linear line, was my two year old great niece, standing, facing me, at the two foot mark. In my case, I was at the sixty foot mark, having stepped forward to the fifty-eight foot mark, as I was fifty-eight years old. Know the dream was about age, but, beyond that, I do not know what it means.
Somehow, I feel more comfortable about aging, when I think in terms of "the circle of life," rather than linearly.
Here are some of the changes I have observed in myself due to aging:
Fear of being "out of date."
Fear of being alone (dying alone).
Don't have as much a sense of purpose as I used to.
Can't be as much "hands on" as I used to (accepting physical projects)
More "word finding" difficulties.
Having trouble with spelling and grammar.
Feel "underfoot" by society at large.
Less eye/hand coordination.
Difficulty learning new material.
Feel less confident in finding a partner.
Don't feel needed by my family.
Can't walk far.
Difficulty hearing with background noise.
Greater difficulty losing weight and keeping it off.
Can't see as well, requiring a magnifier as well as glasses.
Dry and thinning skin.
Dry scalp and hair falling out at the scalp, as well as thinning and finer hair (don't mention the gray!)
Dry mouth and eyes.
May I ask how you have coped with aging?
I joined TG Guide almost four years ago. The time seems short and in hindsight it's passed quickly but there were many deep valleys amid the peaks. Last weekend I hiked to Tolmie Peak with some lesbian friends. Imagine that, out and about as natural as can be.
Now making plans for GCS, hopefully by end of Q1 2019. And yesterday my ex-wife phoned to ask if I'd like for her to help me through recovery! (You bet, I answered.)
They hath disgraced Transgender folks and hindered our existence, laughed at our struggle, mocked at our gains, scorned our identity, thwarted our dreams, cooled our friends, heated our enemies – and what's their reason? We are Trans. Hath not Trans folks eyes? Hath not Trans folks hands, organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions; fed with the same food, hurt with the same weapons, subject to the same diseases, healed by the same means, warmed and cooled by the same winter and summer as CIS folks are? If you prick us, do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us, shall we not revenge? If we are like you in the rest, we will resemble you in that.
- Original text from Shakespeare’s A Merchant in Venice edited by me to reflect Transgender folks struggle in a heteronormative bigoted society.
I am transgender. Yes, yes I am.
Millions in our community are on my side.
Science is on my side.
Psychology is on my side.
Civility is on my side.
Respectability is on my side.
Love, is on my side.
Friendships are on my side.
Humxn history is on my side.
Just love us for who we are.
We are just as real, just as humxn, and just as worthy as you. ♥️
I am a Trans Womxn, I am Queer
I came out March 25th 2016
My pronouns are XE XIR XIRS
I am a womxn, I am valid, I am beautiful
I deserve love, respect & happiness like everybody else
Please see me as the Womxn I am
Please see me as the humxn being I am
Please love me and respect me & no throw me away
I have sooooo much love inside me that shouldn’t go to waste
Please see me, please value me.
I am the father of an 11 year old "transgender boy". My daughter decided a couple of months ago that she wants to be a boy. She had dealt with a lot of anxiety and depression for a number of years due to bullying in school. It got to the point that she didn't want to live and she went into a psych hospital for a couple of weeks and then an outpatient facility for almost 2 months. This was in January - February. Nothing about wanting to be a boy ever came up at all during or before this time. About a year ago she mentioned that she wanted to wear some boys clothing which she did for a couple of weeks before going back to girls clothing. We figured it was a tomboy situation. About 2 months ago she came up with the idea that she wants to get her hair cut to look like a boy as well as wear boys clothing. My wife allowed this. She told my wife she wants to be a boy. This decision is ripping my family apart. Her twin sister is very confused by this as would be expected. Her older brother by a few years does not accept this or her at all. He wants to have nothing to do with her. He is in therapy to learn how to deal with his feeling but the fact is...... I really don't disagree with how he feels. My wife and I are arguing constantly. My wife says she does not wish for our daughter to go down this path, but that she is happier and we should feel good that she is alive. To me that is setting the bar at the lowest possible level which means that anything my daughter wants, she should get. My wife believes that transgender exists while basically I do not. I believe my daughter is confused, has anxiety and depression and this is just her newest way to get attention. I believe she needs therapy to help her with her confusion. Everything I read about says there is no proof biologically, or chemically in the body that transgender brains or bodies are any different than hetero normal (I don't really know the proper term) people. Up until June 18 2018, even the WHO (World Health Organization) considered transgenderism a mental disease. They only removed transgender from that list because it was causing a stigma for people who thought they were transgender... not that they believe transgender isn't a mental illness. This situation is destroying my family. We are fighting almost constantly (we all see therapists due to this) but I don't see how we are ever going to agree. My wife wants to look into puberty blockers. I say absolutely not as everything I read says there isn't enough research / data to know they are 100% safe. I keep reading about people that thought they were transgender with some even having the surgeries and living as the opposite gender for some amount of time before getting the therapy they needed. Then they realized they were never transgender to begin with and transitioned back. I don't see how my wife and I are ever going to agree about this. Both of us can find many stories, doctors and studies to back up our beliefs so I don't see how we can come to any kind of agreement. We both love our daughter and want her to be healthy and happy but we completely disagree on how to help her. This entire situation is excruciatingly painful. I want my daughter back but I don't know what to do. Every fiber of my being wants to tell her to cut this shit out. I want to tell her she is not a boy and that this experiment is over. Girl haircuts and clothing are the only choices and that if this is what she wants to choose when she is 18, then I can't stop her. I don't say this because everyone is telling me this could damage her. In my opinion by not telling her this, I am allowing her to be damaged by this decision. I believe she is setting herself to be alone with no friends as girls hitting puberty will want to be with other girls getting their makeup and hair done and going shopping for clothing while boys will never accept her as one of them. I see her having a miserable life going forward and I don't know what to do.
Hi all wonderful people.
It has been a while since I posted anything here. After my last post I met a beautiful lady through this site, Steph53, Steph has become very special to me. Steph was very kind and supportive and introduced me to what are now many friends over on Facebook, this is where I now spend most of my time.
As for my transition it has progressed rapidly. I am now a month into my Hormone Therapy . I now largely live full time as my true self. I have been out into the real world a number of times and this is now my norm rather than something out of the ordinary.
Elsa obviously won the battle with William, it was never a contest. William is now a distant memory and only gets referred to in the 3rd person i.e. he did this, he did that, he was like that. He now plays no part in my life as i move forward. This is now my time to live, to shine and to grow.
I do want to relate a recent event which made me realise just how strong I am now.
The past weekend 16th -17th June 2018 my daughter and her partner was invited to her grandmothers for lunch, i was happy as they are very close and it showed me my issue had not damaged their relationship despite me not being in the good books with my mother in law any more. I knew of the invite a few weeks ago. On Saturday evening i was informed my wife was also invited but not me again while not happy I understood. As Saturday evening wore on it hit me what this meant, I was no longer welcome on my wife's side of the family and i suddenly felt very alone and isolated. I became very upset. I went to bed and woke up around 3.30am and I was angry, very upset, very down and very vulnerable . i quietly cried into my pillow. Then something happened, i started to think of all the things I (Elsa) had gone through to finally be born. Up until this point whenever I had discussed my battles and coming out and accepting who I was it had always been from his perspective never mine.
As i went back to as far as I could remember, my early childhood, I realised the immense struggle i had had just to be heard, to make myself known. The physical abuse by a Father and older brother who couldn't accept that I existed. To a mother that knew I existed but was not sure who i was, stopped the abuse and protected me. While my father effectively ignored me for a long time my older brother took every opportunity to bully me psychological.
Into my early teens when thankfully my father went back to sea as a merchant sailor and was never home and the older brother sent to remand school. Finally I had some peace and for around 2 1/2 years I thrived, i dressed all the time although in secret and and with a lot of guilt and shame due to the earlier tortures. My mother knew but kept it to herself and we never discussed it.
It was towards the end of these years that he began to dominate, I don't know why, maybe it was the increased testosterone, but he started to isolate me and bury deep down in his psychology. He began to grow into a man physically, he had a mans skin suit. the problem was, that as I watched on, he had know idea what a man was, he was a intrinsically a woman. His only guide was how other men behaved around him, largely his family, and they where not good role models. I could see he was very confused, he did his best but increasingly became more isolated as he didn't seem to fit in but didn't know why. This is how it would continue for the next 40 years from the age of 20.
I would eventually find the strength to make myself heard and he would be forced to dress, he hated it and would attempt to bury me even deeper and build more walls to hide me. Every 3 - 6 months i would find a way out and the cycle would start again. He married and had a daughter, this was the first time I ever saw him happy. after work he couldn't wait to get home and be with his new daughter and wife. I was happy, i left him alone and even began to think that maybe this was his turning point and I would slowly fade away and he would finally find some peace.
His wife didn't handle the birth to well, she loved her daughter but post natal depression set in. He became confused as he wife seemed to become more and more distance until an event occurred that would change him forever. His mother passed away at 60, he was devastated. He needed support, his wife needed his support but at that exact time his wife broke down. He had to fly down away from home to be at his mothers funeral on his own. I can remember watching him as he approached his mother casket, his family, their wives and their children where all sobbing and he felt the emotion start to well up then shockingly as all that emotion was about to pour out he slammed it down, he refused to show any weakness to his family. He sat stoically through the whole funeral and as he helped carry the casket out. He never cried over the mother he was so close to and was never able to again. From this point one he became cold and any emotions where nothing more than an illusion.
I was determined to right this ship as this was not healthy for either of us. The cycle began again but this time he just coldly accepted it and moved on. He turned it sexual, he would drink to excess, he would hurt himself through these periods, sometimes lasting up to 2 weeks all privately and unknown to those around him, he felt regret and shame and guilt but he'd learned to push them away and bury them as he did to me.He became depressed and often suicidal, he never acted on it. He had money to earn and and a family to maintain. The only person he was close to and showed any emotion to was his daughter, he loved her so much as I did and As i now do. She kept him alive.
At 50 everything changed, he was tired of the constant battle, his daughter was now old enough to take care of herself and was living her own life, he was happy for her but he was loosing his anchor. He simply gave up and there was nothing I could do. he buried me deeper than before and built so many walls i could no longer influence him. He simple existed and just pretended to be alive. He became and empty shell. I refused to give up. I kept clawing my way out and very occasionally i would make myself heard. for almost 10 years this went on. However i became stronger as his psychology began to weaken. He could no longer maintain the prison of walls he had put me behind, because he just didn't care any more. for a while it was touch and go, he meticulously planned his own suicide even got to the point of ordering the supplies, but I was to strong now, I had not come this far to simply allow him to deny me my life. I stopped him and finally as Christmas 2017 approached I convinced him he had to choose, either come to terms with me or we both cease to exist.
It wasn't his choice it was mine and I chose life. It still took a few more months. He couldn't understand what was happening, this constant need to be a woman, it became ad obsession it was still very sexual he purged 3 more times, wasted a lot of money but after each purge I forced him back again. I forced him to research and read about transgender issues, understand it from a scientific perspective, he trained as a scientist so I knew this would appeal to his scientific nature. He finally began to understand. I made him book an appointment with a transgender therapist, now he began to understand who I was. About a week before the appointment we where driving to the shops, i kept whispering to him, you know me, you know who i am, you need to say, say it in your head and then say it out loud, it was his final piece of resistance but not to much. He finally said it, in his head and then out loud. I AM A WOMAN.
I WAS FINALLY BORN, I WAS FREE. and the rest as they say is history.
I write this now 5 months into the transition. I am at peace, there is no longer any conflict and because of all I have been through to finally be born I am stronger than he ever was.
If you can remember back to the beginning of what is now rather a long blog entry, these memories came back at 3.30 Sunday morning 17th June 2018 at about 4.30am I began to sob uncontrollably. I had grown up, this was my life now and he was now just a distant memory. More than that, i was no longer angry, upset, down and vulnerable, I was calm, happy, upbeat and resilient. It no longer mattered who accepted me or not, I was me, this is my life and I will live it on my own terms. I had struggled and fought to be free and that has made me strong. There is very little the world can do to me that I haven't already endured, it will try but I know i will alway prevail.
If you decided to read this far thank you I truly appreciate your interest.
To all the wonderful people on TGguide and Transgender Radio in Australia who tirelessly maintain and keep these sites alive, that allow people like me to find a home and express ourselves and meet others like us and of course to all my Transgender friends on Facebook.
I do however dedicate this to one very special lady who has helped me so much and it his through her kindness and support that I have come so far so quickly. for you Steph. I truly do love you.
Hugs and kisses Elsa
So How do I see things today? Well the train is chugging along at an acceptable pace. I am still on hrt and doing all the things I was before the pit stop. I am just taking things much slower in every way. I have dialed back everything to a level that is comfortable enough for me to keep moving forward. I will pay attention to everything more closely especially how my decisions will affect me and others down the road. I ask myself all the time “what does this really mean & what are the consequences”. Do I really need to take this particular step or do I just want to. It used to bother me being in an “I between stage” but I have learned to accept it and actually have fun with it. YouTube has helped a lot. Girls that have expressed the same thoughts and feelings that I have or have had in the past. I tend to relate to the girls that aren’t all glammed up. They are not putting on a show just talking about what they have been through. Physically and emotionally. I guess my main focus is to be as healthy as possible in every aspect of life. That is a tall order but at least it is something to aim at. Just aiming at being a passable functional girl seems really shallow to me now. As trans people we are extremely valuable to the world in that we have a unique perspective on life. No cis man or woman can fully understand this in my opinion. Life is to dam short to sit in shi.... I think we are here to experience the physical world and I really don’t know what being stuck in the wrong body means but there is still time for me to ponder this. Why is this happening to humanity? Something deep down is telling me that this might be a step in evolution. I might be just crazy thinking, wishful thinking or a way for me to cope with life but.....I don’t know. My intuition is telling me that I might be on to something here. It’s funny how when people talk about alien visits, visions, or sightings like the “grays” for example. They are rarely identified by sex really. I have to laugh at myself sometimes but hey, who knows. I like to stay positive if I can and I’m a bit of a jokester as well. With that I will go and have fun with Father’s Day. I’m going to get all machoed up for a day to see how I feel. Lol.
The conversations I have with myself about who I am and who I want to be help guide me on this journey. It’s a fun way for me to think about life (As 2 separate people) but, I only have one body so what to do? Who will dominate in the future? I don’t know yet and that is ok for now. I was studying PTSD recently and it related to me in a way. Even though I have been thinking and wanting and wishing to be a girl my whole life, I never really thought I would be. Ever. Unless some magical event took place I would be stuck with what I had been born with. Then when I was desperate enough during one of those moments (which there were many) I took a small step. This first step made me feel great. It was scary and exciting at the same time and what was once a dream now seemed like a reality or a possibility anyway. The momentum was building and I knew that I had to keep taking steps otherwise I might fall back into the same crappy place again. The excitementand the feelings were overwhelming and to see smallphysical changes (which seemed huge at the time) just made true transition a reality in my mind. Even though I was in therapy a lot and thought I was mentally prepared for this, I was not. The little girl popped out and she was running the show. Just like a teenager. As long as it wasn’t obvious to the outside world what I was up to things were acceptable and manageable for me mentally. Within in 3 months I had facial and some body hair removed, I was on hrt under a doctors care, I came out to some people, joined trans groups, let my hair grow (which was a lot harder than I thought it would be, looked like crap) bought clothes and started wearing them when I could, practicing my voice everyday, learning and wearing makeup, made my eyebrows feminine, doing yoga at least 3 times a week and lost 35 lbs while changing my eating habits. Looking back at this it all seems extremely fast but that is what she wanted. The realization that this was to quick of a time line started to creep up on me. When Ifinally stopped and took a long look at what I was actually doing I freaked out a bit. The hrt had removed much of my dysphoria and the reality of how hard and long this transition was going to be became clear. Do I really need to change? I was naïve and the shell shock was too much. I hadn’t prepared mentally for this and I needed to get it right one way or the other. So pulled the cord on the train and got off telling my doc what I was up to. I had traumatized myself just a little bit and needed to regroup. Now I feel much better about things and I have more confidence in my decisions but I have to keep checking in. I also have friends that will tell me when I’m swerving off the path. Will I stay on the train for the rest of the trip? Probably not because I learned so much about myself at the last stop. But then again who knows!
treat someone nice today that doesn’t deserve it. It will come back to you when you need it.
After what seemed like a forever dry spell, I finally opened another account today and wrote some business. I had just come from a promising sales presentation with one company and thought I'd check up on an employer who had put me off the last time since she just didn't have the time. Today she was ready and we just did it. I wasn't expecting that, but I'll take it. I have been seriously considering doing something else, but I really would like this to work. I have some more promising things coming up. We'll see. Eventually, I will downsize, but I'm not ready yet if I can help it. I like my privacy and being able to do pretty much what I want--not that I do much. Just me and my puppies.
I posted this in the forum as well. Let me know what you think. Am I crazy? I don't think I am.
This is about how I have been dealing with the male and female sides of myself. My 2 spirits if you will. Are there really 2 spirits or personalities? I really don't know but I do know this. Thinking, writing and talking with myself in this manner has given me a sense of peace. A better understanding of myself. I'm not sure where we are going but I plan on making it as fun as I possibly can.
I do feel that everyone has something to offer this world and I enjoy helping them find out what that might be. Or at least try. Watching a person “wake up” to the full world is fascinating and meaningful. It seems I keep waking up myself and reforming my opinions about me and me and the world. So, why did I get off the transition train for a bit and then hop back on? Well, something just didn’t feel right and it wasn’t fear. Responsibly for others was a big part and I needed to take a closer look at what the destination of this journey really was. I have kept my feelings about being or wanting or wishing to be female a secret for sooooo long that when I finally admitted it, the girl was ready to run. So she did and it seemed like there was no stopping her. She planned on being fully in place within a year. She was so excited about this idea that she lost track of the real world and everything she had helped to create in her lifetime. Luckily her best friend who she thought was holding her down came to her rescue. He taught this very young, happy, excited and all knowing girl to slow down. Almost in a child like way she was bound to make big mistakes and hurt herself. So with a loving hand he started to walk with her but not hold her back, just to keep her close. He gave this child some space to test her confidence and explore the world, but he was always there close by to help her understand the world and comfort her when she needed it. She is free to bump her knee and get hurt so she can learn from her mistakes. This is the only way she is going to grow into the women she might want to be. He is kind of like a parent or older brother in many ways, always there to protect her when she needs help but has enough wisdom to know that this is her journey to travel. She is growing and aging extremely fast which causes him to worry more than normal. This is the first time he has ever done this and he knows he will make mistakes. She entered her teenage years very quickly and she became selfish and arrogant, thinking she knew all the answers. She knew exactly what she wanted and needed so she started making plans without thinking it through or talking it over with him. I want, I need, I am, I will be, I will feel, I will see and then I will be able to breathe. Now he has a full grown teenager on his hands in a very short period of time and she has the resources of a full grown adult. Off she went doing what she wanted and he was left behind (she wouldn't even talk to him) which made him sad, but he understood this is a tough journey for her so, he let her go. Growth is what he was praying for, in himself and her. For him the acceptance of raising this girl was a bitter pill to swallow because he knows that when she is fully on her own he may not exist anymore. Fortunately, he loves her more than he loves himself so, he says nothing to her about his fears. Feeling guilty for holding her back for so many years, he lets her get away with more than he should have but, that is when she saw him clearly for the first time. He had been such a strong figure in her life providing security and protection but now something was different. She realized he was vulnerable and sad in certain ways and she couldn't believe she never noticed this before. She was unsure of herself. Like a princess in a castle always looking out the window dreaming of what could be she never really looked around. She was living in a strong beautiful castle that pampered her all the time, she just didn't know it. She wasn't allowed to leave the castle because his fear for her and himself was so strong that the doors could not open no matter how hard he tried. He had worked on opening those giant wooden doors everyday for his entire life. She became embarrassed about all the selfish things she had done and said vowing to change her ways, but that is a tall order to fill for such a young girl. She headed back into the castle were she felt comfortable and she helped him work on those giant wooden doors. As time went by they both grew and found a whole new respect for each other. They started appreciating all the things that each of them bring to the relationship.The good and the bad. They discussed what the future might look like if they never get the doors open and leave the castle. They talked for hours upon hours about what life would be like if they did get the doors open. Where would they go? Would they go together? Who would decide where and what to do? Would they both survive this unknown world? She grew into a women during this time and he could see how strong she was becoming. He was proud of her. She finally saw him for the man he had always been and loved him for it. Instead of fighting with each other they were working together and communicating about their individual needs and desires. Likes & Dislikes. That is when they found the key that opened the doors. It was lying on the table in the foyer, right in front of them the entire time, they were just to blind to see it. They have a deep trust for each other that for now seems unbreakable. Now he was ready to let go completely so, he said go explore the world you have a great adventure before you. I love you with all my heart and if you need anything at all you know where to find me. She smiled looked out at the beautiful world and took her first step. She turned back to him and asked...would you like to join me on this adventure? He smiled and said...of course I would but I think you should lead the way for awhile if you don't mind. I'd be happy to she said but we are at our best when we work together.
Back on the Train..........of life.
When I think of myself and my life as a story that is being written...by me & me.....it inspires me want to write the best dam story I can.
I've been sick this past couple of days--since Monday actually. Our training room at work has an ac vent that blows right down your neck, and I didn't have a jacket to ward off the chill. Funny to move from Minnesota to Florida to get out of the cold, only to freeze in air conditioning. Not sure that was the cause. Anyway, it started as a nasty cold Monday afternoon. I should have stayed home on Tuesday, but we have a new recruit that I was scheduled to train, so I did spend a couple hour with her. She even felt sorry for me and bought me some deli chicken soup to take home. The soup was good by no cure. I think it's flu since I have achy bones and am running a `100-degree temp. I've read several times what the difference is, but I don't remember. I did get my flu shot, but they are not 100% effective.
Note: I began this on Thursday and my computer decided to do its own thing, so I'm back again on Friday. For some reason, I didn't lose what I had written. Anyway, after sleeping my way through most of the week, I am back at it again. I'm not totally out of the woods, but I definitely feel better--more myself. Maybe Emma was right in that I needed a break, and I was going to get one whether I wanted to or not. Fortunately, my week was light. I did some follow-up today, and should, be ready for next week. I am reading John Connolly's Every Dead Thing. I've read it before a long time ago. It's a somewhat grim tale but well-written. It's good to be reading fiction again. I like to keep up on the news, but most of it is so depressing. Hopefully, this country can be saved. My opinion.
I had a long chat with Rich, my District Coordinator, this morning over iced-coffee at a Dunkin Donuts in Coconut Creek. It was across the street from the Hyundai dealership where he was having his car serviced for a brake alarm light. We haven’t had the chance to sit down and talk for quite a while due to both of our busy schedules. We hashed out my possible promotion to CIT (Coordinator-in-Training), and in the end we both concluded that now was not the time—if ever. Rich felt—and I totally agreed—that it was more important for me to be selfish right now and make some real money. So, I will be taking more time to do my own prospecting and less time training other agents; however, complications have already arisen. Rich’s wife, Robin, is in the hospital battling a urinary tract infection because of her recent major surgery. Reading between the lines, she is not doing well. I have a bad feeling that she might not make it. Rich is a real man’s man who married late. He also is very emotional and cries readily—something I am unable to do. As his right-hand man, I will continue to fill in and help as best I can. Some things are more important than money. I will be okay. I hope Rich will.
So, while it's been a while since I've opened any accounts and made any money, it seems that I am continuing to be groomed for a management position. I was invited to a higher level training at our market office this afternoon which was attended by veteran agents and managers for the most part. My regional manager also wants me to start attending monthly leadership training. This is all well and good, but as I think I mentioned before, my district manager (and I) are most concerned with my livelihood. His wife is back in the hospital with a urinary tract infection from her recent surgery, so I have had to help out. Maybe it's called paying it forward. Anyway, I am still due to have coffee with him on Saturday. We'll see what he says. And in the meanwhile, I have painted my toenails a kind of dusty rose. I think I still like deep red better, but this isn't bad.
Not sure I have the Spanish spelling right. I saw the sign on a vendor's cart in a Mexican market, and it stuck with me. Much effort, and little gain. All of our team seems to like working with me. My district manager's wife has been pretty sick, so I have been helping him out with the training, but I feel like I'm getting spread pretty thin. I am having coffee with him this Saturday. He wants me to succeed so maybe we can sort this out. Otherwise, I'm free floating. Not sure I'm ready for a relationship yet. I'm in no hurry or in any great need at this point. "When the right one comes along..."
My life as an AFLAC agent has been a struggle lately. I am still closing accounts, but they are small ones and don't amount to much. So, I have started to look at other employment opportunities. I don't need to make a lot which is a good thing. I am going to be talking to my District manager soon and see if he has any ideas. I had planned to stay in the house a while longer, but I could always sell it and move into something more affordable--like a trailer. I can't bear the thought of giving up my two poodles so I don't think an apartment would work. I wonder if there are mobile home parks for trans people. I have thought that it would be so cool to have a little community where we could all just be ourselves without society judging us. Maybe I could find a trans woman to share with. Who knows? We'll see what I can do in the coming month. Maybe make some money.