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hi how to start this blog firstly im from elgin ,moray,uk was born a while ago saffice to say im in my very very late 20,s(51) when i was growing up any fancy dress party or the likes of halloween i would put on my mams (mom) clothes then by 11 my mam bought some new and weirdly fascinating tights(pantyhose) dont know what it was but i fell in love with the desire to wear them so one day i did and started to dress a lot when my mam & dad where out however that could not last forever on the whole it was a wonderful time in my life all i needed was some support as i say it could not last forever one halloween a friend from school caught me while i was out trick or treatimng kinda weird when you are 15 still out dressed up but hey .
but that wasnt the only thing when i was at one of my friends house we would pretend to be out clubbing or being a naughty nurse they never had to look far for a surrogate girl if you like thank god his sister had panties and tights as well as skirts that fitted weird thing was when i was 16 i just asked my friend what would he do if when we were older if i came back as a woman what would he do he said he would beat me up.
a little later in life as i could not hide my desires any longer in the uk we have a paper called the sun ther was an agony aunt called deirdre so i wrote to her telling her my desire nae my wish to be out in public dressed up with or without make-up her reply dissapionted me though she never told me not to she did say that in her opinion i would not be able to do that until i had gone off this mortal coil "bitch" funny though i defied her odds still alive and have dressed full time 24/7 in skirts tights with and without make-up.
so here i am having gone through bigotry and ignorance and a lot of new freinds feeling stronger and looking forward to the future
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It has been suggested that I start a blog, to hopefully help others that are going through what I have already, and what is a continuing journey, and for support for me, and my relationship. So here goes!
I have been married, for the second time, over 16 years. About 10 years into this marriage I found out, in an email, that my husband had another side to him that I never, ever had a clue about. In the email he gave several websites for me to go look at and read about who is was. He is a cross dresser.
I responded a lot with the typical responses, "Do you want to be a woman"?, "Do you want to be with a man"? "Do you still want to be married to me"?, along with many other questions and concerns. I also asked him why he didn't tell me about this before we married. He said it wasn't an issue then. I felt the normal betrayal and felt like I should have been given a choice to marry into this or not. I understand the fear of telling anyone, the fears of rejection, criticism, even abandonment. I recently found out that he wasn't afraid of me leaving at all, and that if I wasn't happy I should leave.
At first it was the "feel" of panties that he liked, said he did not need to fully dress, no makeup, wig, etc, just liked to wear panties, maybe go out dressed as a sexy nurse for Halloween sometime. With the suggestion of several sites and my therapist (that I was seeing due to another issue of trust between us), and himself, we set simple boundaries. No ruffles, or bows or really frilly panties, and definitely never in the bedroom. Then came the pushing of those boundaries to include frillier and frillier panties. I didn't like that the boundaries were pushed, but still none in the bedroom so that is where things stayed until about 6 mos ago.
I will continue with the last 6 months in another blog, out of respect for him/her, as my husband is on this site and he is telling his story in his own blog.
The hardest part of this for me for a long time was not being told before marriage. In my younger days I hung out with gay guys alot because they were safe for me. I even helped a dear friend go "out" for his first time, and he hit on the wrong person, and then said no, and ended up dead behind the bar that very night. So my main issue with this now is fear, fear for him/her when we go out with him'her being dressed. I'm a worrier anyway, and this is tenfold.
I just wish he/she could see that everything I do, I do for him/her. I'm not criticizing him/her, or trying to tear him/her down at all. Do I wish he didn't have to dress ever, yes, do I think he can, no. I don't want him/her to hide anything from me. I can be accepting. We all have this life we picture, but not all of what we fantasize is reality, I just want us to be happy with what we do have now, whether he's in guy mode or girl mode.
I welcome any comments, good or bad.
Thank you for reading,
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In the part of Kentucky that I live in everyone is religious and I mean that to the most extreme of existent(of course it's nothing like the WBC.).
Anyway ever since I was small I related more toward boys thank I did the girl's my age. However it wasn't my parents that were the problem...No both my parents provided neutral choices and let me choose whatever I liked and for that I am
grateful. However the one thing that I can never shake is the fact that I was
Forced to go to church as a preteen.
I was around eleven when she started making me go. Sure I had went up until that point but I always had a choice. Now don't get me wrong I am religious but my
Mom's reasoning is what I don't completely understand because it was when I was around that time when I chopped my hair off for the first time.
Now in my mom's opinion a girl/woman is suppose to have long hair and she expected me to follow that code. But the thing was, I hated my hair....I could always imagine myself with something similar to a buzz cut and always said that was what I would do when I got older.
The hair style I settled for back then was more of a pixie cut than anything else because the hairdresser refused to do what I wanted(hair dresser was my cousin also so she knew my mother.)
Needless to say my mom freaked out and basically asked me why I wanted to look like a boy.
At that time I had no answer. So she assumed that I was lesbian and made me begin to wear dresses and skirts and asked the preacher to pry for me since I was going through a phase after the passing of my dad.
Everyone I knew (minus a few cousins that got forbidden from talking to me during this time) began to tell me how I was wrong for wanting to be like a guy and I started believing it; even if I still dressed in pants and kept my hair shorter than my mom would have liked.
This lasted up until I met this one girl invited me to come to her church. she's in her mid twenties now though I have no idea what age she was at that time
Though she was obviously older than me.
I'll call her "A" to respect her privacy but she was the reason I didn't turn my back on religion.
You see what made "A" different was that she was masculine and she felt the same way toward girls as I did, and the best thing was...the preacher at her church knew.
He didn't agree with any of it but he didn't judge and that was more than what I could have asked for at that age.
For that short while I didn't feel lost, I felt like I could finally be myself but it wasn't meant to be because "A"s parent's had gotten divorced and she was moving in with her dad downstate.
Again I fell into a slump because hardly anyone understood how I felt; even the guys I had use to hang out with only saw me as a girl and I hated it.
I think I had only five friends in middle school and only one knew how I felt and didn't try to change me and actually helped me through a lot of my emotional problems during that time and even if her and I are not on speaking terms at the moment I still owe her a lot just for putting up with me back then.
High school was a different story all together. I met a group of students that had a lot in common with me. One was MTF and actually on hormones, one was FTM and the other four was just crazy.
It was because of them that I started expressing my gender identity and even had my hair cut in an almost army fashion for the first time. But like always people's always saying
"You're going to get kicked out of church."
So what? It's just a building and there are churches that would accept me. Just because I am not comfortable with the gender I was assigned at birth doesn't mean my faith has lessened.
My mom still see's me as a girl...My brother is homophobic and everything else in between but most of my family knows something's up with me; especially when I tell them to call me Lane.
But I know that if I ever want to be happy I have to break away from the social norms and be my own person; even if it means losing the support and love of members of my family.
So it has been a interesting couple of days. some of it pretty good I mean I was suprised when I went into a corwed room of people I never knew had to give them my real full name and the lady and everybody still was calling me sir and him. People are probley really dumb or I look that good xD. And then again to day. This guy came to pick up our broken washer and he was doing the same.
Really helps my confindce.
Had a little hard time the other day helping my girlfriends family cover there RV. Her mom and dad get it now but her grandparents still say she and I dont say nothing cause there old but it bugs me sometimes. even her dad says things not even realizing it and its way harder when it comes from him.
They all treat her sisters boyfriends way different then me and it gets to me because for one there all jerks and two i like all the stuff they do but not once do I ever get taken on a guys trip kinda lame.
And the Bad.
My sister's piece of crap husband put his hands on her while she was holding her 1 month old. Now we have her my nephew and niece here. And its ok litttle hard not used to having a baby and my nephew is cool. He actually is like why cant you just be a guy you should be. He just turned 8.
I'm so full of rage. I punched myself in the face last night not to bad been worse.
I just needed to do something all that crap in my head, first time being alone with the baby, my girlfriend was leaving for work at a later time so it was wierd.
I just want to go up there and break the door in and see how much he likes it.
I know this is stuff for my theripst but thats not till the 2 and I really think I should call or something. but I need to get it off my chest and I know you guys wouldnt judge.
Oh question how do I repley to messages? I pushed repley and it had the person message but I wasnt sure if i was supposed to erase it and then write or what. Kind of confused me so I will get back to you guys might take a bit.
Whats your guys take on no shave November? My buddy came over and was like it sucks and I'm just thinking to myself I wish I could do it love to have one my girlfriend wouldnt she doesnt even like my little hairs that i do have lol told me once that if I do grow one shes gonna shave it while I sleep told her I was gonna shave her eyebrow lol.
It does suck though because its almost an autonomic out atleast in this town everybody has one even some of the bigger burley ladies do xD
Sorry for the spelling and grammer I have learning disabiltys and my dictionary isnt here lol so this is what you get today
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First, let me welcome you to my blog. I am Amber and these posts will most likely end up as my random thoughts when I have time to write them. Second, let me give you a quick back story. I am a life long crossdresser, I remember being about 4 years old the first time I snuck into my mothers clothes. It was about the age of 6, my mother caught me for the first time and I really truly felt like something wasn't right. I also for the first time realized I was going to have to hide what I truly felt, otherwise it was just going to be trouble. I managed to make it until my early 20's before I drunkenly stumbled upon my dad in the kitchen one night, in full drag, after partying with my now wife. Let's just say it still hasn't been brought up since. A side from my wife, there are not many people in my life who understand. She is an absolute angel and I can never thank her enough for everything she does and puts up with. She is a brilliant, strong woman who has the biggest heart of anyone I know.
Flash forward to now, we live our day to day lives, I work 1st shift at a factory. No one there knows. Once I'm home after a long day, I can be myself ... to an extent. My wife's one request was to keep things from our son, at least until he was older, as to not sway his own perceptions. I am fine with this, it just makes it extremely hard sometimes. Otherwise, I live a pretty awesome life, very active outdoors, try to be as socially active as I can stand, very happy just sewing away in my little craft corner. I express myself how and when I can, which has lead me to start modeling, I've been doing it a little over a year now and I am currently waiting on my 3rd set of images to come from the photographer. It is so much fun and really satisfies a nagging itch to create something beautiful. Well that's all for now. Gotta go start dinner Until next time.
When an adventure requires its central character to play the role of hero and damsel the plot becomes very confusing and at odds with itself very quickly, this was an experience to be savoured and suffered. I finally took the final step on escaping the cross-dresser skin that had wrapped me up so tight. I stepped out of this all-encompassing cocoon and tip-toed delicately and naked in the free air as woman for the first time. Gone was the awkward, exaggerated mannerisms and grace and beauty was found. For the first time I blushed at a mans affections rather than acting like a man in a dress, I felt like one of the girls and discovered just how different and real my situation is now.
For the first time I belong. The outsider is in from the cold.
It may not have been as realistic as the picture dictates but for the first time I had a place to call my own and my confidence blossomed into a powerhouse that was a runaway steam train on fire. I strutted my stuff, wiggled my arse and other revellers called me miss and sweetie! Arriving at this monumental part of my life has excited as well as humbled me, freedom has never been so close, the jailor had forgotten to lock the cell door and my escape has begun.
With all my strength my cell door has been broken and I breathe free air for the first time.
While all this excitement was happening inside me some very real experiences also cropped up that I had not considered before. Using the little ladies room for the first time was very surreal and I actually felt fear as I fumbled with makeup and tried to smile with the other girls.
Now, any man will know that using the gents is normally a quiet experience, a place of reflection, you think about how to get home, what you are going to say to the pretty girl next, and so on. It is a generally peaceful place, where men clear their throats and spit in the trough, they may joke with one another very briefly about how liberating that first mighty piss is. But what hit me like a tidal wave upon entering the ladies was absolute chaos, girls huddled in groups nattering like a mothers meetings, tissue and makeup gunk everywhere, and I am surprised there is not a sand shortage with all the mirrors lined up one after the other. I think a few of my fellow toilet dwellers could sense my anguish with this strange world, one actually asked if I was okay, I brushed it off as being a little tipsy but on reflection I wish I had explained my inexperience.
Another aspect that I have to improve on very quickly is applying makeup while standing up. I have practiced and practiced at my make shift dresser at home, but nothing prepared me to have to stand, with others watching, and make myself beautiful.
I had visions of the chaos but no imagination could have prepared me for this!
Later on in the evening, after I had become rather drunk, I was now stumbling about as opposed to gliding like a flower on the breeze, my next experience is one that has taught me the biggest practical lesson to being a woman. Whatever is going on, where ever you are, no matter who you are with, never, ever under any circumstances lose your handbag.
I was trying to make my way through an overcrowded corridor of the club and as I passed through a doorway another clubber hooked onto my handbag some how and it was ripped from my shoulder and back into where I had come from. At first I could not actually believe it. I started searching furiously around me and started to panic. Phone, money, cards, not to mention the cost of replacing all that makeup! I was like a damsel in distress and while at the time all I could think about was to not start crying, the actual emotion has added to my overall experience and made me feel more like a woman. Luckily my handbag had ended up with some lovely doorstaff who not only gave me back my little bag of tricks but comforted me to some degree, again adding to my feeling of real womanhood.
I am liberated and cannot wait for more days like this.
I find myself in a situation over and over where a transgender person will seek encouragement and advice from me. I love to help people when I can but this is a time when I'm very torn. I want to give hope and encouragement to the person at the other end that I know needs it so much. I know I needed it very badly when I started out and still do at times. However, my outlook on transitioning is a bit sad and dark.
Its a tough life for most at best. I've seen so much sadness. I've listened to and cried with so many girls like me. I cant help but wanting to say don't do it if you have a choice. It's a giant commitment and in many ways something you cant undo. I fought my transition like hell for years then finally decided to kill myself because I could not reason my way past it any longer. I knew just how rough my life would become if I gave in this powerful need that was completely overwhelming me. I was so mad at myself because I truly believed I could use my mind to over come anything.
I went to Transgendered meetings and saw a counselor for over a year before I started my transition. I listened to one story after another about people losing entire families and losing everything they owned. Being forced out of longtime careers and often while losing any support system they had before setting out on this grand adventure.
Transgender people tend to be very intelligent and often have really good jobs before they start out. Sitting in a room across from a TS (transsexual) that had a big house, great career, loving family and then was left with nothing will make anyone think twice about following in their footsteps. Hearing about the family they were always so close to, that now won't even speak to them any more. It was quiet sobering but all normal stories in T-World as I call it.
We come from all walks of life and back grounds but we share one thing in common, for social rights and acceptance we are the last to the table. Only because of our alarming rates of being murdered, suicide , beatings and discrimination that we are being discussed on any level( and awesome men and women that are fighting the good fight).
Before I went full time living as a woman, I loved getting out of the house and talking with people. I have always clicked well with complete strangers and have had many wonderful conversations over the years. Now that has all changed, lots of people smile and are friendly but they no longer open up to me like they did before. The first few years of my transition, I had panic attacks just trying to go a few blocks to the post office because you never know when someone was going to go off on you. It might just be them laughing a sort of fake laugh very loudly, trying to make you feel completely stupid or very uncomfortable. Many times its a verbal attack with an intense level of hate and loathing you would never expect from a complete stranger. I have never had a single stranger stick up for me while all that was going on. The general look I get from others watching them be mean to me was a look like, "What did you expect when you left the house looking like that?"
Many times I have been in a situation where one or more men wanted to beat me up and for no other reason then me breathing really pissed them off. Standing in line in a store with some large, tough looking guy, whos only two feet away from you, that is so upset by your presence his hands are shacking is a trip. I've been in moments like that over and over again. When its a few angry men standing together it gets really scary.
People cry over the nation anthem, as I have at times, and then piss all over your freedoms without a second thought, like the freedom to just live our daily lives in peace. They all expect this freedom but some refuse to let us have ours. It reminds me of a line from one of my favorite movies, "How can someone say they love America but clearly hate Americans?" (The American President).
My mind and my heart told me this was the right thing for me. I did however seek help from professionals before moving forward as should anyone stuck in this difficult situation. I truly believe I was faced with three very bad choices. One was to keep fighting a battle that just kept getting worse and was tearing me up inside. Two was to kill myself, ending all the pain and fear. Three was to just give in to something that I knew was going to undo my life on many levels and did.
I was physically sick the last two years I fought my transition. A saw few doctors because of it and took many different pills, all for my tummy and my stress. I could not sleep, it was hard to eat and was very painful most the time but all went away the same day I decided to give in.
I never thought I could not reason my way past it until I was sitting in a bathtub, surrounded by candles with a razor blade in my hand. I had a family at the time, a wife and 4 kids so I decided it was not really an option to do that to them. A week before that, a friend had told me once you have kids, its no longer your right to kill yourself. Its never a good choice whither you have kids or not but I decided she was right. She also said if I killed myself I could teach my kids to do that as well, if things got tough for them later on. That made a lot of sense to me and they were, and are, far more important to me then any fears I had about my future.
The next day I told my wife what I almost did and what I was about to do. She said, "Its about time, you were meant to be a woman," but then asked for a divorce saying, "But I'm not a lesbian."
I too ended up losing everything I had except for the love of my family and friends. I was very, very lucky compared to many others I know.
The thing I find to be the hardest part of all this now, is how hard it is to find and keep work. This makes us as a group very unbalanced, causing a dark side to surround T-World from us just trying to get by. It forces many of us to become sex workers, doing porn or risking everything once again but this time out on the dangerous streets. HIV is very, very high for transexuals in some of the major cities. I have never slipped into all this but I have been tempted more then once--having no food can make your mind go into places you never thought it would ever go.
Discrimination is everywhere we go. Whither its work, housing or even just working with the government trying to get some kind of assistance. The church I went to would never have me now and the party I voted for before openly works against me.
I had to leave school, over the bathrooms of all things, because some women refused to share one with me. I was assured I could use the women's student bathroom, when I asked, before signing the contract. It took me years of waiting and jumping through hoops to get in that school. I was in school for about four months before it came to a head but it started right off on the very first day. At the end they gave me the choice to use a mens room with no locks in a part of school that was dark because it was an area not used at night. I explaned how dangerous it was for someone like me but was still told to use it our leave school...not much of a choice. I was the top of my class (99% GPA) and well liked but that did not save me for the complete embarrassment of it all and of course the huge disappointment that followed.
Its a hell of a ride and before you just jump right in make sure you need it more then everything else in your life because everything else just might not be around if you do. Whatever you do, don't hurt yourself. DON'T hurt yourself! Get help. See a psychiatrist. You can see why I try to hold my tongue when asked for advice. I don't want to take the joy out of something that has been for me, so wonderful and fulfilling on so many different levels. However, I could never advise anyone on this huge life changing choice without sharing the likely costs. Some do very well and things go fine I'm told, although I'm not sure I know anyone that fits that description over the first few years. I've had a few girls say it was going perfect with little to no problems in the very beginning but then later I had them tell me everything had changed for the worse.
Starting younger helps I think but the average person starts off at fourty, last I heard. I started hormones and went full time at fourty. When I moved to the inner city, it helped a lot. I did not realize how much I lived in fear until I move to LA around people that, for the most part, just did not care either way. It's a bit colorful in LA and your just another flavor there.
If one of my choices was to not do this and not have the fight that was raging inside me, I would have choose that hands down to keep my kids living with me. Only you know if you have a choice. I cant help you there but there are others that can, again seek help. I do of course wish you all the best in what ever you do.
Try to remember fear will make you stand out and that is not a good thing. If you do finely do it, don't hold back. You will be on the high dive over the deep end so, if you jump, do it with conviction. I can't stress enough the need to seek help before you start, not after. Don't take hormones on your own, you can hurt or even kill yourself. You should be sure about each step and think each part of it through, clearly and carefully.
Its my right as a free American to pursue my happiness. The least we can expect from life and ourselves, is to be ourselves, if we lose that we really have lost everything. Its not our fault its so hard, we are not the problem. We are doing nothing wrong pursuing this difficult goal. Its a freedom few would say we should not have. Even most of those who make everyday life so hard for us would not say it should not be part of our freedoms.
If your reading this and your upset by the subject remember if you believe its my right to do this then don't be mean to me. If you believe it should be a freedom remember you steal a bit of my freedom every time I decide not to go to a birthday party, or decide not to go to a movie and so on because the last time someone went off on me. That is hardly living free.
I hear them say now and then that free speech gives them the right to say the awful things they sometimes do...sure it is. Its not socially acceptable to say whatever we are thinking and whenever at any cost. If you don't like dogs you don't go around telling off dog owners. If you don't like coffee you don't get to walk into a coffee shop and start yelling at everyone in it. That is not a freedom any decent or sane person would expect.
My perspective is from ten years of chatting with TG's and TS's. Countless chats with girls like me. I went to the TG club's in LA for many years and met a lot of others just like me. I had two years of group meeting and saw a few shrinks on the matter over the years as well. I've read a lot on it and thought a lot about it of course. I know this subject very well. I have lived full time and on hormones since 7-22-2003 and before I went full time, I was close to full time for a few more years.
I really love being the woman I always wanted to be, in that light it has truly been a wonderful experience. I've seen a side of life few could ever understand without going through it themselves. It has not all been bad, far from it, just hard.
If you learn to let the little things go by the bigger stuff will not take such a toll on you. Learn to forgive. Most the people that pick on us are not bad people at all, just very confused. I have won over a few tough cases and became their friends over time. I just went to a St. Patrick's Day party thrown by a couple that really hated me when we first met, I even thought the husband was going to hit me. Try to remember its mostly just a knee jerk reaction and I bet most feel bad later. If you stick to the high road and not be rude back, then you will have clearly won. If I can, I just act super nice and sweet, its not that big of a stretch, and some feel bad right off. This takes a lot of will power because its easy to get angry about so much. Try your best to just let it go and don't dwell on them later--don't give that power over you.
My goal here was to say some of the things I needed to hear when I was so lost and scared, first starting out. This was not meant to scare anyone off that was really meant to be a transsexual. Reality sets in fast when you jump and I'm hoping that you knowing the water is a bit cold at first will make it less of a shock. Its also a warning to those who just want it and don't need it, be careful what you wish for.
(An update 12/6/08) I moved back to the area where I fled in fear, for good reason, a few years ago. I'm just coming up on a year and its going very, very well so far. No one picks on me or has been openly mean to me. I still get some unfriendly people but compared to the not so distant past, its only an minor annoyance.
I have a part-time job on the weekends and school during the week to get certified as an Administrative Assistant. There was a time when I never thought my life could move forward being a TS. I would have swore the two were completely incompatible, but learned if you don't give in to fear and just press forward, they can come together.
It takes a while to learn to walk the walk and talk the talk. Now that I'm more relaxed and more passable the daily hate no longer follows me around. I've heard again and again that passing is 80% in your head and 20% is your presentation. My advice is just feel your way though and let your inner-self out, without over analyzing everything or worrying about what others think.
It did get a lot better for me and is likely to get better for you if you can just survive the valleys and the painfully awkward beginning. I meant every word of this with love and from my heart to everyone who is lost and confused at the beginning of this large and strange maze we call transitioning.
We are moving forward and transitioning has become for more user friendly. Our attempted suicide rates are still so high there is not a close second among any other group. Those that do succeed are far to many--and again, higher then any other group. Seek help and don’t let fear wipe you out. Change is coming and I know if you stick around for it, you will love what you find.
Your friend Lisa Eve
( 12-15-09 My next progress report. )
Life is better now then ever. I finished school and got my certs. My novel is now out and seems to be doing well. I got a new job a few months back and really like it. My supervisor wanted me to dress gender neutral on the job--in other words, not dress like a woman. She would have had an easier time asking me not to breathe at work. I still don’t see the kids very much and that makes me very sad at times. But over all life has been very good to me.
I don’t ever get picked on. Most people don’t know I’m a TS, but when they do, everyone has been great about it--other then my pinhead supervisor. Things are changing for the better in the way the public, in general, deals with exotic creatures like us.
I gave a speech on the Transgender Day of Remembrance (11-20-09). It reminded me its still not a safe world for us. We lose about two a week to being murdered--in the Americas and Europe. In the USA, our safe zones are getting larger and more and more places are becoming far less dangerous. Being safe and smart goes a long way.
Its 2014 and a lot has happened between now and my last update. I got a bad kidney infection and had to stop my hormones. That lasted from 2009 to 2011. Kept going to emergency rooms and not getting any help...its all better now. Not being on hormones had an effect on me passing--as well as just being beat down for so long. When I stopped passing again the hate followed and I was not up to all that so in Nov of 2012 I went back to living as a guy. I also wanted to meet someone and start a relationship. Being a TS and meeting the right someone was not working for me. I went on countless dates, most turned out to be married, or I would be asked to get married in the first few dates. There was a lot of awful stuff, some really awful so I gave up on looking and dating--its been about 7 years since I dated. Going back to living as a guy was just jumping out of the pan and into the fire. My legal name is Lisa Eve and I have a F on my drivers lic. My body is still very female with breast and hips. So I'm trying to get back to living as a woman fulltime but I gave away all my clothes etc. I don't even have makeup. My family does not want me to go back because for how mean so many people were to me. That job I mention I lost with them just making up something to get rid of me...and it worked even though everyone knew. Don't get me wrong I'm super happy now and at peace. I don't stress anything these days. But I do want to get back to the home lost deep in my heart.
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Last week I was called Mam four times. Even had one restaurant employee say " Welcome ladies - how are you doing" as I entered his restaurant. I have given up correcting people, actually kind of like how it makes me feel. A month ago in boy mode I was at a sports expo and had stopped at a booth selling shoe inserts. The shop/booth owner was busy and asked one of his workers to "please help this woman" I could not believe myself - how feminine I must have looked to him. (Really was not trying) Yesterday, I had two women runners make commits on my shaved legs "how are they were so perfect" and "perfect looking legs"
Have any of you all had these kind of comments - even when in boy mode?
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Hello all, Although I am new to this blogging thing and not much better with computers theres something I would love to get some kind of feed back on so if I make mistakes please bear with me. First off, im a MTF Transwoman and darn proud of it. But where im heading with this is , Im setting here with tears in my eyes over another story of loss in the transgender community. There was a woman who told the story of loosing her trans-son/daughter,:" out of respect for the deceased im going to refer to her, the woman she wanted to be as her or she." The mothers plea was to anyone who has a child of indifferene, or even a friend, hear them out without judgement or ridicule. In the last letter left behind by her daughter, the daughter felt she had no where to turn , that her own family were the worst critics.
The mother went on to say that where they live there are two suicide support groups but both were for teens, and that her daughter felt because of her age (48 at time of death) that a teen support group would be of little help. Personal note here: as for myself, in my younger years I not only though about suicide on several attempts I failed at my attempts just to make the pain and humiliation go away. Not necessarily a bad thing to fail at. By younger years I mean in my early 30s. And at that point in my life I saw all the teen prevention signs and because of my age there was no way I would have ever approached one,at that age were supposed to be the adults and have it all together.And until I kinda learned to navigate-- OK do a good job of getting lost and confused - a computer I had no idea of what is available out there, and this ha only been in the last 3 years. This mother lost her daughter, and for many others the possibility of a good friend. This settles dear to my heart because I can heavily relate to the thoughts and feelings of her daughter feeling trapped, confused, unliked esspecialy by the ones we love the most, we are taught and programed from birth to stand behind our familys and theyre supposed to stand behind us. My pondering question is are we to believe we are these strong, tough people because of who we are and that we are willing to stand up for ourselves, or are we weak individuals who hide behind a mask of morality in some cases or immorality In others. Only in the end to hide behind our doors just to be ourselves where no one can see us, or announce ourselves in public awaiting persecution by those who in most cases are afraid of who we are? As slow as I type I didn't tell the mothers whole story, But it did not have a happy ending, her daughter-------was the mothers only child
I have always been a female in heart and mind since I was 7 years old and seeing professional help starting at 11 because my Father told me I was sick and needed help. He was a lifer in the USAF and brought up by a mean Grandmother. I started wearing girl cloths when I was 7 years old, I had a girlfriend and her mother help me discover who I was and helped me be who I was, my Mother stayed neutral, but was confused by my choice. During my life I always found other girls who supported who I was and lived a secret life shared with select few, moving around a lot was difficult. My father continued to get me the help he thought I needed, my professional help told me there is nothing wrong with me and to live as I wish. Most of my young life my Father beat me. Later in life I lived as a Girl with 3 of my Girlfriends for 5 years full time. I was 22 years old and had no problem passing a one of the girls. If I had the resources at that time in life would have made the change then, but things change and I had to change to survive in life. I am 61 now and have the time and the desire to start Hormones, next month I start. Support
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My grandma's 15-year-old Collie isn't doing too well. His back legs aren't working at all. It's like he's paralyzed. We aren't sure what happened but we think my uncle-in-law had something to do with it. I visited my grandma's house yesterday and saw her dog's condition. He was shaking and panting while he was laying in front of a fan on the floor. It was obvious he was in a lot of pain. He has hip dysplasia and a twisted back.
My grandma is in a retirement home that doesn't allow animals so my family is taking turns taking care of her dog.
Things were going well until yesterday. My dad went over to pressure wash my grandma's patio around 2pm yesterday. He said when he got there, my uncle-in-law was there. They talked for a bit before my dad went to get the pressure washer out of his car. As my dad was walking back to the backyard, he saw my uncle-in-law holding Duke (the collie) like a sack of potatoes. My uncle's arms were around Duke's chest and Duke's back legs were dangling while his front legs were out in front of him. Duke is a very old dog and is fragile. You would think my uncle knew to handle Duke with care.
My dad was furious, as was my other uncle (my dad's brother). They think the way my uncle-in-law was holding Duke, damaged his back even more and caused his paralysis. My uncle-in-law is a big man, tall and rough. He usually handles everything (other than humans) roughly. He has a dog of his own but it is a small dog. I understand that my uncle-in-law doesn't know how to handle big dogs, but it's common sense not to hold a dog like that, especially an old collie!
My uncle-in-law and aunt (my dad's sister) live all prim and proper. They do what they want and don't really help out much unless it involves their nieces has nephews. My aunt and uncle-in-law have pissed my dad and his brother off a lot but this has gone too far. My uncle (my dad's brother) was close to tears after he saw how much pain Duke was in.
Since yesterday was a holiday in the US, Duke's vet wasn't at work. We considered taking Duke to the animal hospital in town but he was in too much pain and we were afraid to move him. Today though, my dad is going to call Duke's vet's office once it opens. I haven't heard anything from my dad yet so I don't know if the vet is going to visit my grandma's house or if my dad will have to take Duke in. I will update my blog once I find out though.
So as I mentioned in the Introductions area, I wrote a letter for my teachers to have and/or hang in their classrooms. Here it is:"Hi there! If you're reading this, then you're my teacher. Good for you! I will warn you though, I can be a bit of a handful.Allow me to tell you a bit about myself.The school "knows" (has me listed as) -------------------, and my gender listed as Female.I will tell you now, this is wrong.I identify as Male and prefer the name Andrew ------------HOWEVER.My family has yet to call me Andrew, so if you'd be so kind, use the name -------- and Female pronouns around them.What the term for this is Transgender, or gender dysphoria.Also, I'd like you to know that I am open for any questions you may have, any concerns, and anything else you'd like to know. I'd also like you to know that I am not Google, so up your knowledge a bit before you dump questions on me.Lastly, if you would like to, you can hang this letter in your classroom for other students to read. If you do, please black out my names.These are some points of reference you may use to better understand your Transgender student.Transgender 101: A Simple Guide To A Complex Issue ---- $9.99 on the App Store, may or may not be available in the Public LibraryThe Transgender Child: A Handbook For Families & Professionals ---- $9.99 on the App Store, may or may not be available in the Public LibraryBe Yourself: Questions & Answers for LGBTQ Teens ---- Free on the App Storewww.tgguide.com ---- A forum where trans* people share their stories and offer advice to trans* and cis people alikewww.transstudent.org/teachertips ---- an advice page for teachers of transgendered studentswww.gendertalk.com ---- A page about the Gender Spectrum"
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I am just going to start with today’s events I have a whole lot that I need to do with the blog entries that I’ve made and yet put in. Starting with today, my day started out normal. My morning started with having to wait for my daughter’s boyfriend to bring his truck so I could move a utility trailer out of my front yard and thereby fall in conformance with land-use standards set forth here in Manatee County Florida. In the meantime I picked up the yard because the lawnmower man had arrived to do his weekly cutting. Shortly after he arrived I called my daughter, raised cain because her boyfriend wasn’t here, and as soon as I hung up with her and stepped out the door lo and behold who should arrive. The boyfriend. So he hooked up to the trailer, scooted it over to the east side of the house were we got it in the back were Manatee County can’t complain about it. I then got cleaned up and took my good-natured time getting my girl on. After doing the makeup which I think turned out rather well I picked out my outfit for today which is a light brown skirt a light brown Cammy, and a light brown jacket topped off by a dark brown neck scarf. I changed all my purse nature I had my money and my credit cards and out the door I went. I had a 4 PM appointment at GiGi’s nail salon with a Vietnamese sweetheart who’s never seen me dressed before but has worked on me twice. On arrival there I walked in the door and you could just see the surprised look on Helen’s face. She was finishing up another customer so I had to sit and look through Cosmopolitan Magazine without my real glasses on. Helen I spent the next 45 minutes, which for me was pure bliss because of the fact that none of the ladies that were in the shop took any notice of me other than the fact that I was another lady in there. Helen again complimented me on how good I looked as she continued to work on my nails. Once she completed the nails I paid my bill and and left my customary tip. The nicest thing about this trip was being in a shop full of ladies and never been recognized as anything but another lady getting her nails done. Helen also said have a good time tonight. From GG’s it was off to the house I had a feed the dogs let them out make sure that they were taking care of. Now it’s off the Sam’s Club right that some shopping to do and the gas tank fill up. I have a flight up north tomorrow and I’m contemplating flying “En Femme”. I just need to figure out how I can get to the airport without taking my car or having to have one of the family drive me there. That’s it for now I’ll let you know what else occurs tonight.
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Michel hereNever knowing if I shouldnt fight for my rights or if I should be a helpless damsel in distress. But I could never even give the perception of being helpless. Foolish at times, but not helpless.Got 9 more days on the lower level of hormones, and then the new beginnings will come on a higher level. Hope that the increase would give me the better part of not getting anymore migraines.I'm currently in that funk of solidarity. Yes, the 8 day migraine made me want to be left alone as it had the probability of 85% that I would end up with the pain dulling my senses by taking away my vision, which would end in me either having to sleep over or hoping that I get home safely.On a lighter note, seeing that I dont have anyone to play with or satisfying me. I now need to play with my own breast, yes my own boobs because I scare the crap out of men! How can a 5'8, 125Lbs female be scary. Okay Cynthia Rothrock is shorter and lighter and oh so scary if people know that she is a capable, more than capable of kicking the mens behinds without to much struggle.Now who wouldnt want to love my flat stomach. Do I care if my prime real estate isnt being picked up by any guys that view me as a good possibility. But I dont want another woman's man. As happiness cant be built on someone elses misery.
Lactation for me has always been like a dream, an unattainable dream, something that can be found on the internet, you tube, but I believed it couldn't happen, especially not to me. I was not able to believe, Friday, June 13, 2014. year since I started hormones and here it is. It was a special moment for me and I was happy, but the feeling soon began to fade. How much more I can stay happy with myself. So a special moment, and I do not have anyone to share it. Even talk about it. How would that anyone could understand, when you live in a third world country. How much can I be happy in hiding?
I only know that when I look down to my chest I know I'm one step closer to femininity, and that must be enough.
:) :) I am happy :) :)
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ok so I'm 67 years olds .Biologically male really a woman . Have never done anything g about it fear social pressure who knows .Seems a bit late for a sex change or even hormone treatments but I need to do something .Anyone else out there is this kind of situation ? Thoughts? Ideas? suggestions welcome
Long time no chat. Yeah I been up to a few things in my year absence from the site. Just a little busy. But I wanted to drop in see how things are going do a quick shout out and in the next few weeks (when I find the time I will do a more filling fill in on what has been going on in my life. Much good and some bad. So here is what my last year has had me up to.
A new comic series
A new novel
A new Novelette series
and returning yet altering Path of the Butterflies from just a pdf guide to a intended monthly topic discussion blog.
Please drop on by the blog share ether publicly or if you want to share your opinions privately or just chew me out you can email me from the blog.
I promise next post will be sooner and less self promotional based.
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Don 't know a thing about blogging but here goes. I was diagnosed with gender dysphoria when I was 19. Started hormones at that time Shortly there after could no longer afford. That was over 30 years ago. Now starting again back on hormones and trying to find a place to get electrolysis done. Finally like myself and although it's a long journey at least I'm getting started.
well we have been in michagin a week now and it has been very interesting to say the least, went to church for the first time in years and participated in ash wendsday, the people there were 90% lgbt and it was amazing to sit there as myself and feel normal and welcome, I have made a lot of friends and even been complimented on how nice I look and not in the room but literally out on the street by strangers, people totally except me as a women and a friend, never have I seen anyplace so excepting and loving, my children are totally loving this place and want to stay my wife is amazed at how excepted we are right from day one, and people even want me as me not as the lie I was born into. if there is anyplace I felt more at home, I do not recall it. for the first time in my life I feel normal and believe me that is a wonderful feeling, for all of my brothers and sisters in the world struggling with lgbt issues god n goddess bless and for those who feel this kind of love and exceptance plz know how lucky you are, so many are still abused and insulted and harassed just trying to be normal and live happy. sends a blessing to all those who struggle daily and hopes they find happiness that I have known this week.......... as ever Summer
I couldn't sleep last night, so I wrote a song, I'm going to post the lyrics, hope you like it I would love feedback, positive or negative
such a faux façade
Do you know who you are?
Have we pretend too long?
Should I hide my face?
Am I a big disgrace?
Why should I conform
to just fit in?
I hurt no one
I cause no harm
I’m just trying to be
who I know I am
You’re so lucky
that you get to be
the person that you see
in your reflection
but I must wait
to set myself free
Why do I have to prove
who I am inside?
Is it my destiny
to hurt eternally?
Do you know what I go through
just to live my life?
To feel the emptiness
of a thousand lies
I hate this
Living like a misfit
I’m here to stay
I won’t go away
I’m not going to change
I’m not going to hate
I’m tired of the pain
If you can’t handle this
just walk away
Such a heavy hand
I must detach it
all the hate for myself
Chorus 1 (sans 3rd stanza)
What’s it worth to you
to make me feel ashamed?
Do you sleep well at night
knowing you cause pain?
Using hollow words
and spiteful lies
that we’re not beautiful
in God’s eye
and I love this
proud to be a misfit