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It's unreal how many times in a day people ask me the same kind of question when they learn I'm an FTM transgender. It seems to be common for people to ask if I want to be a man because I like women.
No, I like men. I'm highly attracted to men. Gay men. I'm a very dominant person by nature.
Then I have to explain further. It's not a want to be a man it's a need. My inner self and my outer don't match. I wasn't meant to have breasts and a vagina. I was meant to be a man and it's a deep true feeling. It's not easy to explain but that's about the easiest way to explain it.
Then they ask me how I have sex. And then it's awkward because I will tell them and they get a little grossed out and defensive. It's not my fault they asked. ~shrug~
The Reality of Being a Transsexual
By Cindy D. Keranen
I am often asked what I would do differently if I had the choice to do it all over again. This is a powerful question and its one I have pondered many times. Looking back I made so many mistakes and it has cost me so much in terms of heartache. I wish I would’ve done so much differently.
When I decided to become a, “fulltime woman” I could not have known just how difficult it would be. I was working a good job; it paid well and the hours were great. I was commonly complimented on my work ethic and praised constantly over my ability to get things done. Before I, “came out” no one knew what I was and I made the mistake of talking to my supervisor about becoming fulltime. I informed him I was getting my name legally changed and I would look very different when I reported for work. He assured me I would have no issue; I would learn this simply wouldn’t be true in the end.
When I first came out I wasn’t very passable. My makeup was horrible, my breasts were silicone forms, and I was very odd looking for a West Texas girl. I dressed as any other, and my mannerisms were feminine enough, but my features were not well hidden. The awkwardness of my appearance was only further enhanced with the fact I was wearing high color shirts. I wasn’t able to show any cleavage because my breasts were forms. My voice was feminine, my mannerisms were feminine, but it was not a secret what I was.
When I came out I was harassed, debased, humiliated, and made fun of by my coworkers who made a habit of calling me by my birth name and also sir. To make matters worse, management was only not supportive as they said they would be, but they apart of it. Ultimately, when I was threatened by a coworker and I physically confronted him my employment was terminated. This would be an issue over and over again.
I applied to jobs time and time again. Because it took me some time to get my makeup down and also because I was wearing long sleeve shirts with high collars in the summer time, I was unable to find a job. When I was hired and subsequently discovered, I was terminated because of the other employee’e uneasiness with my situation.
There I was, unable to revert to being a man and unable to find gainful employment as a woman. I have been fulltime for almost two years now and still I have been unable to even start my HRT regiment. I am only passable now because I have taken the stand of, “I don’t care anymore what you think” and my confidence and makeup skills compensate for any doubts. I am no closer to now to the end of my transformation then I was two years ago. I shower with my eyes closed, I shave in the shower, and I apply my foundation in total darkness. I don’t open my eyes until it’s at least applied. I hate my body; it isn’t mine, and trying to fix the issue is proving all too difficult.
So, my advice to anyone considering becoming a fulltime transsexual woman is this; take your time, get your ducks in a row, and be prepared to find new employment. Save your money, get going good on HRT, and most of all get good with the application of your, “war paint”. Be prepared; don’t make the mistakes I did. If I would’ve stayed, “in the closet” only another six months, I would have had my breast augmentation and the money for my SRS. (I was 3 weeks away from my breast surgery when I was fired and one paycheck). Be sure you are passable, and be prepared for a long and difficult road.
I am almost 33 years old and there is little hope I will ever have my surgeries in time to be young enough to ever enjoy all the benefits of being a woman in our society. Please, be prepared!
What I knew
I wonder how it’d be,
If they were turned to me,
And wore the world around as I have done
To feel the pain I’ve felt,
And know where sorrows dwelt,
I'd do it all again this time tomorrow.
Trepidation abounds when you step into a new situation, not much more newer than finding yourself all wrong and trying to reshape the world. I know all the words for this one: nervousness, fear, foreboding, terror, a thousand others and none at all. The journey is more frightening than the result and yet we find that it is the only road left to take, and there is no signage that tells the way. What could possibly make that easy, nothing, so trepidation it is, and shall be?
To that sad story I add that I have found great solace in writing, it isn’t very good but it helps me through the rough times, times I believe we all share one way or the other.
Finding support is another area, when we're new to the issue and must still find our own way even though it's sometimes not obvious where to look. For these individuals time is of the essences and support all the more important. I was one of these, and found support while standing on the brink. For this I am eternally thankful.
We are all individuals that only wish the opportunity to be who we are and to live out our lives in peace. But for us, here, it will always be just a little harder, and we're tempered early on to make sure we can handle it, I hope to pass the test and prove my metal, meanwhile I will write my pain and continue with life, all is not lost, the road is but a step away and I have my pin and hiking shoes.
I realize that this is rather serious and droul, but I hope it is ofset by a little chuckle from my ditty. we all need support, for ourselves and for those still learning the truth. Thank you all for your patience and support.
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Today I was wondering what a good haircut for my face shape would be.
I daydreamed a bit about how nice it would be to have a list of celebrities with my facial shape. Then I could just look at their best looks. OK I was being lazy....
Anyway that led me to this site http://www.pictriev.com/ which it just so happens does not require an account or social media login.
I just uploaded a "casual" pic wearing light makeup and a cheap wig.
Apparently I need to step up my game. The cruel and unforgiving masculinity meter tipped to 53%. It did however offer me 3 cis female celebs that I resemble to varying degrees of fidelity. A quick googling later and i had some hairstyle ideas!
Now its off to Amazon to looks at wigs. Wheeee
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Well i heard about it but never believed it until now,I used to smoke and have done since age 9,Hrt made slow to no progress but i gave up only 4 weeks ago and have noticed the skin is sofening and breast buds have enlarged, has any one else gave up and noticed the same,nothing,something or is this just a coincidense :blink:
It's sunday and my wife is away at her parents, wont be back till tomorrow
The kids are downstairs with their mates, which reduces me to my bedroom; wish there'd all go out. But, oh well, i'm getting some me time. i can only dress up and imaging being full female,, oh, how i wish with all my heart, that I could share more of me with the world... :rolleyes:
Your world can change immensely in one day. Days, months, and years of trepidation gall away once the switch changes. Decisions, once made and committed to redefine the way we engage with the world.
in March 2015, I boarded a train for Montreal to take me to the Centre Métropolitain de Chirugie where my body world be transformed for the last time.
The record of my musings was recorded in this existing blog. If You like what I wrote, please let me know. I may continue at tgguide.
As I entered into my middle age a little over a year ago I noticed that I had had more breast tissue than I ever had. I did a little research and found out that a lot of men go through some of these physical changes naturally. Since I always wanted breasts I embraced the changes that were naturally occuring and discovered a way to feel more feminine than ever before. There is information online about male lactation and male breast-feeding if you look for it. I tried various techniques of nipple stimulation for long periods of time both manual and using a breast pump. After regular intervals for about a week I was absolutely amazed at the results. Even though I did not produce milk as of yet I seemed to start a process in my body that caused changes in my nipples and breast similar to a woman who is pregnant. My wife confirmed with me a few weeks later that my nipples were taking on the characteristics necessary for lactation. Using a breast pump was not pleasant at first, but getting past the unpleasant stage brought comforting feelings that one has to experience to truly understand. After some time I could express some liquid from my nipples and it is fascinating. The reason I have started this blog is not to try to guarantee results but to mention something that has brougt me closer to being feminine naturally, without having to actually take a prescription. Pumping the breast made me sleepy and relaxed. Feelings of motherly love, especially when imagining a baby actually suckling from my breast. The feeling of let down even though the breasts are not yet fully ready for this. The very gradual but noticable increase in breast size from practically nothing to at least an A cupsize. Since I used these methods I feel more like a woman than ever and have accepted these physical changes rather than worry about them. Does anyone else have an experience like this to share?
I have eaten a lot of carrots and cucumbers and chicken over the last 10 years since my wife has been more interested keeping us healthy I do not know if some of my diet has also contributed to an increase in my natural hormones or not. I have heard that some men and women can lactate from intense desire as well so I do not guarantee results this has just been my own personal observation. I am not concerned about a medical problem because the breasts are shaped uniformally and the nipples have increased in size and they have become darker pink in color.
I had a lot of fun taking these photos the other day but I thought about how hard it is for most of you to take a decent picture that will actually flatter rather then distort who you are. I took more pictures than I actually posted because some just didn't look right. I especially started this blog because I feel so much better and fulfilled since I took a good picture of my self and took the time to select the best. These pictures are exactly the way I took them except for cropping and making the files smaller jpeg for the internet. Please feel free to ask me questions about tips on taking your own photos. I would be happy to help you accomplish whatever results you are after. I am excited about learning more about make-up and my next photos hopefully will cover more of my beard shadow.
Some Basic Tips
1. Pick a neutral background as far aways from you as possible (this ads depth)
2. Use the same color temperature lighting all the way around
3. Halogen Lights are the best for back and rim lighting
4. Soft white light is best in front of the face. (do not mix fourescent lighting with other types or your face may end up different colors. lights should be placed at a 45' angle up and around left right front and rear like a box.
5. Do not use flash
6. Use manual adjustments and experiment until you get the look you want
7. shoot with a professional camera, lenses make a big difference
8. Don' be disappointed if things don't look right at first readjust light for most flattering look
9. Have more light behind you to flatter the edges of your clothing and hair
10. Supply soft even lighting to your face so as not to bring to much attention to what you don't want to see.
11. Use a tripod
12. Don't shoot through a mirror or glass
13. Take the time for yourself to get a good picture
14. Use a timer and a multi shutter camera can take a few shots in a second for various poses and expressions
15. shoot at highest resolution of your camera get a wider shot, you can always crop and zoom in later
16. Low angles and High angles have a significant affect on how the proportions of your entire body look.
17. Mirrors can be deceiving don't trust them.
18. Use the best lense possible.
Getting a good picture is absolutely essential for people like us. A great picture can help lift our self-esteem where a bad picture can really ruin the whole experience. I feel so special now that I finally got a chance to be special.
What are some of your experiences in picture taking?
It isn't much fun taking your own pictures Is it?
Are there many photographers who cater to transgender. I hope that someday I can provide my talents exclusively for transgendered and really focus on doing the best for a group of people that deserve it. Any thought? I am so excited about knowing that I would love to help others that feel as special as I did. Photo taking doesn't have to be expensive but good results do take time. Taking pictures of older people and especially transgendered is obviously challenging as we have so many more unwanted details we are trying to cover up. Love to have you as friends. Love to help you all.
I hope you enjoy looking through my gallery.
I did it! Two weeks ago my daughter and I went to the mall and we both got our ears pierced. I conquered another fear of being different and it was great. I now haver a shared experience with my wife and daughter that I will remember as a fun thing we did together. What I didn't know about pierced ears was how they have to stay in for about 6 weeks without taking them out. How many of you have taken this plunge? I got both ears pierced because I don't believe in any of the attached meanings about 1 or two or right or left ear. I got both done because I like things symetrical and it is what I really wanted. I inherited my mother's earings and she had a beautiful collection. Now all three of us can enjoy my mothers collection. I used to buy my mother earrings and always wished I could wear them, now I am one step closer to feeling prettier and more comfortable with who I am. The earrings are obvious and so I realize I may get some comments, however in two weeks so far not one person has said a thing (that I know of). Experiencing new things in life can really be exciting!
Today was my big day at the hairdressor. For 30 years I have been going to salons, but I never really got the style I wanted. Whenever I went in I always had the same perm. If I ever had a chance to look at the picture books they would always hand me the guys haircuts. Though I didn't want to be teased in those years I really wanted the hairdressor to style my hair with a feminine touch. But I never was able to get the words out. A long time has past and I realized I can no longer go on holding back with the person who has the most potential to help me feel better about myself.
When I called for the appointment I first mentioned that I was going to be sharing something confidential with her when I came in. I asked for an appointment when it wasn't so busy. I managed to tell her that I would be wanting a woman's style and that I was comfortable with that. She said she would have some choices ready for me when I came in.
Appointment day came (today). I got there early so that I could be relaxed. There were two older ladies over 70 and they immediately smiled when I came in. I figured half the smile was for my new earings. One of them asked me, "so are you the hairdressor?", I calmly said No, just here for a haircut.
Then the owner came around the corner and did the usual. She saw the girls cuts I was looking at and she said, "too long for you and handed me the guys book again". This time however I was prepared because knew I had talked about this earlier with my hairdressor. I was polite, but immediately placed the guys book down when she went back behind the counter and picked up another girls book. This time I saw a few pages were marked with light blue paper. I looked at the styles and said, "this looks pretty good I wonder if these marked pages were for me". A few moments later my hairdressor called me up and I brought the book with. I showed her the cuts I liked and she agreed with me and told me she had marked the pages. I mentioned that before we selected something she needed to see one more set of pictures. From an office file folder I presented her with the Close-up head shots that I had recently posted on this site in my photo gallery. This was the ultimate adventure for me because I had no idea how things were going to go. I said, are you familiar with transgender? She said yes, and she immediately pointed to my favorite picture of the group. She started talking about the picture in the third person. I stopped her and said, you know that's me right? and she nodded her head. I asked if she was ok with all of this and she said yes. The next 5 minutes or so she began to explain my options and talk to me like she would have to any other woman in the shop. We settled on a style that gives me a lot more options than ever before and then got to work on my hair.
I enjoyed every minute of this experience I really started to feel more like Amie as the haircut and perm shaped my hair into something special. We talked about a lot of the usual, because other people were in the room, but sometimes I mentioned things that I knew just she would understand. It was like little code words here and there that let her know I was willing to share.
Almost at the end of the perm with lots of big rollers in my hair the older customer was beginning to leave, she stopped and said "when can I see how he turns out". Both hairdressors said we know he's young and handsome but he's married with children. For a moment I thought she was spoiling all of the fun but then I laughed when she asked me how she thought my family was going to take the perm. I said, "no problem, I have been doing this for years". You see the big difference was the type of cut and the extra pampering that I got with this style. I begged the client to go without seeing me because I said I'm sure we have more than a few minutes left here. She smiled and wished me a good weekend and then my hairdressor got back to work on the masterpiece.
When she was finished she took a little extra time to show me the different ways I could show off my new style. I felt so good inside. Another one of those big weights was lifted from me. I also had one of the nicest conversations with the hairdressor and strengtened my relationship with the salon owner. Both Hairdressors new I was more nervous today and really helped me feel at home. Before I left, they assured me that I should not be too worried about other people because I carry myself well. They said they like my personality and that looking different on the outside didn't matter to them. It was at that moment that I realized that they let me into their circle. I was accepted as one of them. A real woman. We entered into that sacred circle of trust and I felt a real sense of finally belonging. If I never made that phone call ahead of time and took a chance with showing Amie's picture I would have had the same old haircut and would have missed all that fun.
My good experience had a lot to do with the salon I picked. This was a small salon. I was told that sometimes its harder to maintain a sense of privacy at the bigger salons. If you are someone trying to hold on to your current job before getting something different as the new you, it makes sense to do just a little careful questioning and research before jumping in.
Earlier this morning at work an older woman friend of mine noticed my earings. She point to her ears and said to me "I like the new addition". She also made me feel so good inside. I said no one had commented about them yet and she said they looked nice. Today was a good day, considering the way the week started, I have confidence that I can do this now, I just need to start using my women's intuition.
Finally, I realized that with all the people that may reject me, when you find someone who really cares it makes it all worth while. While the hair dressor and I were talking between perm applications, I came up with a statement she liked so much she wrote it down on a note for herself.
It reads: "Sometimes when you overthink things, you can miss opportunities".
This was one of those days. I took a chance and gained two new friends today. Just one day at a time.
I hope you enjoyed reading about my experience I hope to share more stories as they unfold.
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I am a Woman.
A question was posted about God not answering prayer for this GID. I want to reply by saying:
If you have finally accepted who you truly are, than that enlightment may be God's answer to your prayer. It takes all of the courage in the world to deny the world but praise God for what he created in you.
I came out to my best friend of almost 20 years, He has rejected me. I knew it would happen and I can accept that. But I pity everything about him now, because of how closed he is to loving those who are different from him. It is not easy accepting changes in self and others but it is a necessary part in moving forward in life.
My life started with very innocent feelings regarding my femine qualities, than at puberty the feelings were mixed with testosterone and the changes that come with it. As I discovered sexual feeling accidentally I did become addicted at a point to sexual excitement. This excitement was always surrounded by the rare opportunities that I had to act out the real me (in fem clothes of course) The only time I felt the most like a boy would have been in those early years when the testosterone was so high. But even with my boyhood and into manhood I could never shake the very true feelings buried deep inside.
I went on to take on jobs, got married and had children, but this is how everything is unfolding now..
I am going to list all of the things that make me a woman and when taken together I think it will be obvious to anyone, what is really going on.
-My mother had been on heavy doses of estrogen before she got pregnant with me.
-My mother loved me so much, she always considered me a miracle baby
-She would never have any more children because of the estrogen treatment
-She contracted breast cancer at 55 and died from it at 58.
-I almost died as an infant from complications.
-I was deeply loved and probobly spoiled by my parents
-My parents raised me in the catholic church and were devout moral people.
-My parents were excellent parents.
-My parents gave me many opportunities to explore life
-My parents had an intense fear of rejection from the outside world
-My parents had great trouble accepting abnormal things because my parents were very simple people.
-I have always been a complex person and I gave my parents as much frustration as I did enjoyment because of my intensity and analytical methods.
- My father was a provider but a perfectionist
- My mother was everything to me and a collector of things
- I looked up to my father and always found him to be handsome.
- I looked up to my mother and felt she was the most beautiful woman in the world.
So now here is the list of what makes Me a woman
-I have always been attracted to good looking men like my father
-I have never acted on these feelings and don't intend to currently
-I have always been intensely attracted to women but wished so to be like them: not in as much in a sexual way but more of a deep friendship expressed by holding hands, kissing and hugging. Later in Puberty I made the sexual connection but it was not as important as the other things in life.
-As a little child I did not know about sex and I am happy for that, it kept me innocent a little longer
-I always loved color, give me all the color in the world. The rainbow was one of my most favorite pictures to draw.
-I have always loved the softest things on my skin. Silk, Rayon, Cotton. I wore holes in my blanket out by petting it so much.
-I loved playing with toys, but my favorite toys were the girs toys especially barbie, the make believe kitchen set, games involving fantasy, dollhouses, dolls, I loved all of it. The sad thing is that I never told mom. I was scared. I learned to accept the boys section and enjoyed what I could from it. I rarely ever bought toy guns and my very favorite toy of all was Legos. I loved to create my own world. And I loved pretending I was a real live girl.
-I always looked in the girls and womens sections for everything in store catalogs.
-Every day of my life I have gone to bed wishing I would wake-up a physical woman.
-I have lived the life of a man and that's what people see. But I really don't understand men because I am not one.
-I desperately wanted to be in dance recitals. I gave up because I could not wear the clothing that was correct for my gender identity.
-I loved hanging around the girls.
-90% of my friends were girls.
-I wanted to be with girls since birth it was not forced on me
-I did not really even like hanging around boys until puberty
-The boyfriends I had were a lot like me
Brian, Bob, Andy, EH, Andy G
-I have always fit in perfectly around woman
-Deep tendency for gossip
-temptations of envie and revenge
-Attractions to material things, trinkets, collectibles etc.
-Love for Nostalgia
-Always wanting to be the girl that could fit the glass shoe
-I am deeply offended by pornography
-I always want to be the woman when I did see Pornography
-I am a deep spiritual thinker
-I am sensitive
-I am emotional
-I am motherly (though this has definately been repressed)
-I am empathetic
-I love shopping and all that goes along with it
-I love beautful clothing
-I always go to a salon to cut my hair and this is what I want
-I love the ballet and other dance recitals
-I love the theatre and acting
-I always wished to be a ballet dancer.
-I wished that I could have been in a wedding dress at my wedding
-I identify with both Jesus and Mary, but have always freely prayed out to God directly.
-I have never had sex with anyone other than my wife
-I was a virgin until I was 24 years old
-I hated asking girls on dates, I was always too shy
-I have always felt embarassed to have to sometimes be in public without a tshirt on.
-I always sit down to go to the bathroom
-I hate going into the mens bathroom
-I use a stall whenever possible
-I am extremely nervous in the mens bathroom
-I do not trust men
-I fear what men often do to women
-I express myself naturally in feminine ways
-When I get out of the shower and look in the mirror, I hide my penis to see things how it should be
-I am very creative
-I am extremely musical
-I love everything about the Arts.
-Cleaning the house and chores are very natural for me
-I love to cook but have been repressed in that area for years.
-I have no desire for hunting, and hate even kiling flies
-squiggly squirmy animals make me jump out of my seat
-I would scream a lot if my vocal chords aloud it.
-I loved reading Gone with the wind and Identified totally with Scarlet Ohara
-If I got into reading love novels I would never put them down
-My greatest turn on is that which is poetic and in words
-A well written greeting card will easily make me cry.
-I cry easily in movies
-I cry often for no reason
-I enjoy romantic movies, but I always Identify with the girl
-Being a girl is natural for me it takes very little effort.
-I am not embarassed being dressed as a girl, I just fear what other people think of me.
-Styled hair, make-up and colorful clothes, always make me feel better and prettier
-I like to be pretty
-I like to serve others
-I can't stand just giving people directions I have to get involved
-I always wanted to be a housewife
-I desperately wanted to actually give birth someday.
-I am never comfortable in mens groups made up of real men.
-I am uncomfortable around most gay men unless they exhibit soft female traits.
-I absolutely love hugs and could never get enough
-I have a heart extra heart beat that only corrects itself when my wife holds my hands or connects with me in some other way.
- I loved to be touched and stroked. I have very sensitive skin
-I love to have all areas of my body touched gently
-I experience very intense and sometimes prolonged orgasms
-I feel love for many people and compassion even for those who do not like me.
-My greatest prejudice is against those people who are so disgusted of me.
-I absolutely love baths
-Shaving my legs and body hair is very natural for me
-I hate the hair on my body
-I have some breast development and I welcome it.
-I am fond of my legs, eyes, mouth ears, and my nose is a little big but still lovable
-I have always been uncomfortable with my penis and my greatest dream is to have it turn into a vagina.
-The penis is in the way of a lot of natural interest that I have. Ballet, Gymnastics, Ice Dancing, Swimming, Bicycling, and Horse back riding.
- I want to experience more in life before I get to old.
-I love my children deeply in a very motherly way.
-I have not rejected being a male, I have never been one.
-Transition to a Female seems like a natural thing to do the science wasn't there years ago. it was only a dream.
-Every day I have dreamed about having my mind and body match
-I am not sick
-You cannot change my mind without killing me (then my feminine soul will move on)
-If you want to pray for a miracle, pray that I wake up in a female body.
-I am willing to die before I would ever deny my true self again.
What normal balanced man would have the above feelings.
I would like to know how a real man would describe his life experience...
I was considering one final possibility in this conflict of mine. If society accepted people like us as simply different, my internal struggles would not be as significant. The only difference between myself and a XX woman is the outside package.
As of now I am a beautiful woman on the inside of a male package. If society uses what is between the legs for its segregating than the only real solution for me is surgery. I have no problem with it accept that it would be a shame to loose the sexual feeling down there if things go wrong. However, I have enjoyed a lot of sex in the past and to me I would rather spend 90% of the rest of my days enjoying being a complete woman rather than 90% of my time wishing I could be. I desperately want room down there as well. Rid myself of the discomfort forever.
As for family and friends. If they do not accept me, then they unfortunately are the ones with the problem. There is nothing else I can say. I have been spending so much time trying to fit in as a male that it has caused my body to finally give up. My mind seems to be producing its own estrogen, telling me that it is finally time to let go of the pain and start to live out the person I really am.
As I say goodbye to the outer shell of who I was. I will still be the same on the inside. However I will be having new experiences on the outside that will allow me to experience more friendship with the ones I love. I long to be with other women, they are my source of love and companionship, being in the wrong body inhibits my abilities to make this connection with them. As for men, I really never made many friends with them anyway. I'll keep the ones I can connect with and forget the ones that don't care about me, just the way it happens in real life.
As for my wife. I will never stop loving her. If she still sees the person she needs to see on the outside regardless of my physical changes, I see no reason to break ties with that commitment. I love her very very much.
I have shared many words today but they are straight from the heart. I must let go of the pain and give it all up to God, for he loves me as a I am, my spirit, the Woman in Me.
Dreams have a way of telling you things right? Well it'll be nice if everyone were like Daniel from the book of Daniel, and just naturally interpret them at the drop of a hat. For I wasn't gifted in that area, *sighs* along with other things like discernment. But things have a way of working themselves out I guess. Anyway, I had this dream last night, and it was really nice for the fact that I prayed to God to literally tell me in a dream if it was "ok" to transition and just be who i am, for I am as you guessed it by now, pretty spiritual. Not religious, spiritual. I have a relationship with God, or try to anways, instead of looking over my shoulder to see if he's going to hit me. I sometimes feel that way too, so don't get me wrong, I mean, I'm totally afraid of what God could do to me when I do this. So I asked him. And this is what I viewed as his little "heavenly sent revelation maker".
I was at this really fancy out doors party. I had a gf for some reason and I was in my male body dressed in fem attire. Well, she guided us to this dinner table as I was watching everyone just give me this look of puzzlement, like they couldn't tell if I was a boy or a girl. But I was walking with my gf of two minutes when we came to our table. Remember the gay guy from As Good as it Gets? Well he was there, with HIS wife, gf, sister, or something just sitting there waiting for us to come by so he could finally meet me. We just talked and ate for awhile, but the scene switched to us leaving and I got caught up behind for some reason, and was left alone with everyone just looking at me as I was walking to look for them. This group of men were sitting outside just checking me out. One of them came to me and said, "Dang babe, give me a ring you pretty thing!" And I turned around and started to walk away. Then he caught up with me and stopped in front of me. He started talking to me about something, as if we'd been friends for a long time or something. Then the unexpected happened. He slapped me across my face! And walked away. So I was left alone in my hoodie, put my hands in my pockets, and walked off on the verge to tears. Then I woke up! That's it. I know it's not much but that was my dream. But I think I know what it means. Some of it anyways. And it all started today.
Today I was pretty much put to shame by one of my friends. If you read my first blog you would know that I am a musician singer songwriter, and I sing my own songs as a guy. So my friend sees me as this soon to be found artist who has great potential to do something great with my life music wise. He doesn't like the fact that I want to be a girl tho. Even tho I told him it's not the case that I want to be anything. It's simply the fact that I just am. Well we were drinking some Cape Cods, those that don't know what those are, it's just vodka and cranberry juice. Which is very tasty if made just right, i might add:) Anyways we got to the point of me, as Kate. I used to refer myself as two people, cause it made me feel better that I had no control over my situation, making it easier to just accept that I am who I am cause of this girl inside of me wanting to live the rest of my life. I would also state that this person that they see is just a society formed individual who shoved the real me down as far as he could so as to be accepted by the world. This is just how I felt. It's a bit different, but I'm still like learning, so hand me a frickin' bone here:p learning how to explain it I mean, btw. Anyways he can't and never could accept the fact that I wanted to " fix" my situation. So last night we were drinking and we got on the subject of my transitioning and how it could effect him as a heterosexual man. He said a certain thing that really hit home. "How are you going to make money as Kate?! Nobodys going to accept a freak, man! Screw Kate! (which wasn't the exact words he used) She's going to screw up your life! You need to start thinking about what you want and what she wants!" I mean it was a really harsh way of putting it but he was right about one thing. He literally slapped me in my face with reality, and I was on the verge to tears. I told him I just wanted to be me. And he told me to just do it in my "private time". I couldn't imagine redoing the closet transgender sharade my whole life, no offense to you if you are, it's just not something that I want:( But I DO need cash flow, and I DO need to plan a future for myself. My plans as a guy were to be a musician and somehow pursue "my" dream to become famous or something. Haha. I realize how horrible that plan is, btw. I quit school, high school, and never went back. I mean if I go back, which i am definetely going to, I would rather go as myself than to lie to another 100,000 people or so. (I exagerate a bit) Seeing how it will be another change for me, and the career path that I choose to take. Which I personally believe that my feminine side brings the best out of me. I mean as a still closeted guy I wasn't even considering finishing high school better yet college. But I am now, and I think it would be a good move. They'll be new experiences, new friends, and I will have a very wide selection of things to consider doing for the rest of my life. But is that throwing the first dream that I am allready ready for away? I must tell you, I have recording agents wanting me from a handful of places. And they aren't small, plus I'm not bragging, I'm simply telling you what I am willing to sacrifice for my dream (no quotes:p)
So I think that's what the dream was about. Feeling alone cause I chose friends that were oblivious to what I was going thru and just left me in the dust? I don't know. It's more the fact that I felt sad and alone cause I felt like I was the only person like that at the party period. And I am. I wake to face only me in the mirror. Not the person I am happy to be, but it doesn't take away the fact that's who I am right now, or at least percieve to the world. It's like that old saying, "work with what you got". I will always feel alone in places where there isn't anyone there that has the slightest idea what I'm going through! I can't explain it to everyone I meet. It just brought some deep thought to what I was allready thinking. That dream I mean. I just jumped in this new life as quick as I could. I mean as soon as I knew, I was telling anyone I could get ahold of that would be the most receptive, that i was trans. I was proud at first. But now it's all of this work and heartache of loads I haven't even seen yet! But like all of you I am willing to take my "cross" and live the life I want to live, regardless of what happens. Things are easier said than done tho, wouldn't you agree?
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This Blog is to give support to those who have carried heavy guilt and shame their whole lives because many religions and cultures suggest we are disordered and an insult (abomination) to God. What follows "coming out" to a fundamentalist is the idea that God might work a miracle; that some how ones brain will magically become different and see things the way "normal" people do. In these next paragraphs I write for those of you who are troubled because you have lead good lives and worked hard to be the best you can be and yet because of this "one" thing we feel incomplete, secret and maybe even a little ashamed. The thoughts of wanting to right something that is wrong often dominates at least some portion of every day and at some times every moment of our life.
Many of you have begun to realize that there is nothing to fix on the inside. Rather, by re-working the outside package we better reflect what is on the inside. But when we try to do this we are often faced with rejection or just the fear of rejection from a culture that does not understand.
To me there is a similarity between "transition" and that of buying an old house or moving to a different apartment. Sometimes we redo our home by just re-painting rooms, and redecorating, other times we literally tear down walls. Some homes have so much work to do that we realize we will be taking each project according to priority a little bit at a time. Other times when time is limited and may go for a major reconstruction and rebuild from the ground up. Whatever the case our reason for doing all of this work is to make the home fit us and our personality. We want to be comfortable in a place where we sleep, work, and entertain at day after day after day.
If you have finally reached the point where you understand that there is nothing wrong with who you are on the inside then you are well on your way to inner healing.
Since most of us care what people think, we are constantly kept from reaching our full potential because of what a few people might say. When you reach a point in your life when you think you have heard it all, suddenly you recognize that if everyone left you today, it would just be you and God if you have that spiritual connection. If all you have is yourself, who are you then, what makes you happy.
I have believed in God my whole life. I pray every day to God in my own way. All of my prayers have been answered over the years, I think because of what I ask for: usually wisdom, strength, learning the real meaning of the word love, help in making decisions in life, self-esteem issues, peace of mind, longing for tears, etc., getting answers to some really big questions that I know only God has the real answers to.
I recently specifically asked God to help me find out who I really am. I asked God to help me with this identity crisis. I immediately started writing a diary which help me get the thoughts out and then God helped me by leading me to people who have had a similar experience as myself; through this website.
Two weeks ago I thought I was alone. Now I know there are more like me. We are troubled, we fear, we worry, we are anxious, we are excited, and we are sometimes severely depressed. Together we help one another see how our similarities and our differences come together to represent a new complex being. We are different and yet the same. We are special and unique with gifts and talents yet to be discovered if we are allowed to be free.
Earlier in my life I wondered about whether or not I should "Transition" to the gender I identified with. The thoughts never really left me and I continued to remain silent to the people in my life. Now years later I realize I have always been in transition. As to how far this transition will go, is yet an unknown, but I do know that however it turns out in the end, I will have the loving touch of God to comfort me.
What has really been helpful for me spirtually was to separate the purely sexual behavior (and often explicit material that can be associated with this issue) from the more innocent spiritual side of things. I found that much of the secret feelings and unhealthy deceptiveness began to diminish when I finally accepted myself as simply different. I realized it was necessary for me to let the person inside me be a part of the real world. It is the many little risks in life that prove to be good or bad only when you have actually put them to the test.
Before "coming out" to any difficult person, one needs to know in their heart what is right, between you and God. When you have resolved the person you are to yourself and feel accepted by your own moral self, you are no longer looking for opinions. Once the inner conflict is resolved and you know God accepts you. At that point, when you share yourself with the real world, you begin to find out who your real friends are.
The research I have done into Gender Identity Disorder has helped me realize some facts about myself.
I am a very sensitive person who tests and identifies completely with the female gender. Because I have a male body, people expect me to identify as a male. It is their expectations that caused me to take my feelings to the closet and repress this feminine self for many years. I became disconnected with myself, unhappy and even suicidal at various times of my life. As terrible as the roller coaster ride was I seemed to be able to pick myself up over and over again. Constantly trying so hard to be somebody that I was not.
But the mind cannot handle this forever. Sure, the outside world thinks the problem is solved, because they don't have to see the brokenness, they don't have to look at, what for them may be weird and out of place. Instead you live in anxiety the rest of your life and your own rejection of self begins a process of degeneration to your whole body from the inside out.
My transitioning started years ago as a baby from day one, when I stroked my favorite super soft baby blanket to when I played house with my friends, my first tap dance recital, when I first put on girls clothes, to when I got my first perm at a salon at 11 years old, to when I first shaved my legs. Every other year or so I became more and more comfortable with the little hints of feminine that I could accept in myself as being Ok for me.
Eventually all of these little changes I was making in myself added up and I realized that I was still alive. I still had friends, and most people never said a thing or didn't even notice. Currently I am almost completely dressing the way I want. Until two years ago, I had much guilt and shame about my secret and I would purge everything once in a while thinking I was cured forever. Finally, this year, I was able to realize that I would not be cured. God did not make a mistake with me. I am different but no less human then anyone else. There were plenty of other things in my life where I could find my sins, but this GID was not one of them.
We are living in a society that can finally give us the chance of a little added protection from abuse and discrimination. How we approach what is going on with us to others will have long term effects for generations to come. I have come out to my oldest child of 14 years and he accepts me brokenness and all. He doesn't completely understand yet but he knows that if he has something he wants to share with me in the future I will be there for him.
Everyone on this site who has written posts is helping me realize what a process this is. One day at a time.
Thank you everyone for sharing. I hope you will find a similar comfort in your life from the wonderful communications on this website.
[TRIGGER WARNINGS; INCEST, CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE, SUICIDE, VERBAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE.]
Basically the gist of this is never casually joke about suicide and incest, ever.
I've found that support for myself as a transgender person among other transgender people is almost non-existent. So the gloves are off. I'm coming right out with my worst secret and wanting it public.
This post isn't a fancy infographic and it hasn't any gifs of gyrating bodies. It has no pictures or selfies or cats. It has no links to news stories or articles. This post is a news story all its own. It's one of the worst things you will ever read. All of it is true. God knows I can't put hours into one of my other posts and exist. My posts require you to read. So here goes: no setup, no build, no background. No one's reading this far anyway.
My Mom knew I was a girl. But, she also had a thing for teenage boys and everyone including my friends knew it. When I was 11 or 12 she stripped naked in front of me and showed me how women masturbated. At some other point, we had intercourse. She was attracted to me. She needed her fix of teenage boys through me. We kept this a secret because we knew how violently my biological father would react.
Later on, we knew we couldn't live with ourselves. I was suffering from an eating disorder, bipolar disorder and gender dysphoria. I was vulnerable. At some point, we made a suicide pact. We would at least die on the same day, if we couldn't die together.
On March 17, 2009, the suicide pact was finally enacted. She died, I tried but didn't. Why I am still alive is a story for another time. Recently, I tried to tell my biological father that my anorexia had relapsed and I wanted to get some help getting something to eat. He chose to humiliate me in a public place instead.
I went home and stared at a suicide note I had written a while ago, thinking they would be my last words. My biological father has permanently surrendered his right to talk or look at me again.
It is a miracle I am still alive and I get no credit for my strength of character to avoid suicide. I am not the rich spoiled brat transgender woman that tv news and daily newspapers favour. My pain is much, much deeper than getting bullied at school. But I am invisible.
I do not hate my Mom. Her illness was not unknown and she clearly overcame it when my sister and youngest brother were most vulnerable. No physical damage or consequences came of it, like pregnancy or an STD. I love my Mom and I think in penitence she has become my guardian angel. She is a very good guardian angel. I also had a vision of her as The Shepherdess of the Garden of Twilight, the title of one of my novels. But her role as such a Shepherdess is for another post.
No, it is my other family I hate because of this. They should be taking care of me and helping me heal. Instead, they think I am better off never hearing from them, and if I never contacted them, I could accurately say I have no family at all.
I have been through 23 years of therapy for my damaged childhood, and my family. I will not be polite about it amymore. It has ruined my ability to enjoy sex with partners. But I said to my biological father "my anorexia has relapsed" and he chose to humiliate me anyway. My anorexia relapsed because trauma about my sex with my Mom had been released. My therapist thinks I'm cured just by saying I was sexually abused. I don't think any other therapist will help, please have empathy and do not suggest any.
I confessed these things because no one is reading. This is a long-form entry like my others and because it requires reading skills that high school students are no longer required to have, this blog entry is as invisible as I am.
My name is Debora Simon. My email is email@example.com | My twitter handle is @areaeightyfour | My facebook page is easy to find under Debora Margaux Simon | Please DM me on twitter or PM me on facebook or email me to contact me.
Today, Friday, 20th. November, 2015, is the Annual; International; Transgender Day Of Remembrance - ( TDOR ) . Let's Wear Something Purple, in Support Of The Rainbow Flag. If We Can't make it to A Comemorative Event, then We Can still show Our Support, for those Less Fortunate, than Ourselves, Who have lost Their Lives, at the Hands of Other's, or Have Taken Their Own Lives. Here in the UK, We should remember the Transgender Lady, Who had been put into an All-Male Prison, at Leeds, in West Yorkshire. Sadly, She took Her Own Life, in the Last Few Day's ! I WILL Wear Something Purple Today, as I Am a 53 Year-Old; Transitioning Male-to-Female Transsexual, Myself. Please, join Me, and Other's around the World, in showing Our Support Today, this Transgender Day Of Remembrance - ( TDOR ) . Thank You Very Much. Regards, Stephanie.
Hello again everyone
I've been wanting to post a blog entry to let everyone know how things are going and whats happening in my life but I haven't really gotten the chance with working two jobs and trying desperately to get out of debt (much to my own dismay). First of all yesterday I went to another doctors appointment for a checkup and to increase my dosage of estrogen and to get prescribed some mild antianxiety/antidepression medication. Everything went really well, eventhough when I first got there, the nurse that intially saw me was visibly uncomfortable checking my weight and takeing my blood pressure. I mean she was nice and didn't say anything but I could easily tell because she didnt make any eye contact, didn't speak very much to me, and left the room as quickly as she could. It didn't really bother me too much at the time but I thought it was pretty rude of her but thankfully my doctor was, as always, nice to me and really wanted to know how I'm doing and seems like she truely cares about me
Recently I started talking to my work about the possiblility of me transitioning at work and much to my suprise, the talk went really well. My store manager emailed the corporate head quarters and they said that they are completely supportive of me and my need to transition. It was really great to hear that and now I am considering weather to stay at the store I am at or transfer to another store. I am debating transfering when my hair is a little longer, and my body has changed a little more. Im hoping to go through with my transfer around july or august or september. I figure with my increased dosage and the fact that I will have been on hormones for over a year that I should be able to pass by then, at least I hope so.
Other than that, my life has been pretty tame. My brother finally came around and has started to accept me for being trans and wanting to fully transition. It took him a while but I think we can really mend our relationship to the way it was or possibly even be better than what it was. Im working on figureing out where I want to move to in the summer. Living with friends and my parents has been alright but I really need my own place where I can do what I want when I want and have total privacy. I think it would also be nice for everyone else because I do work such odd hours and the days I have off I won't be bothering anyone being awake at 3 or 4 in the morning.
Also I've started to plan a career after I come out full time and I am planning on going back to school to get my nursing certification. I've talked with a lot of people and they say that the medical field is very accepting of transgender people and are very much an eual opportunity empolyer. So hopefully I will be able to start school early next year and be ready for a new career shortly after that. I know its a long time away but I can really use this time to work and save money and ready myself for the coming months and anticpate the coming changes in my life.
Lastly I've stared going to more group meetings here and I've found them a lot more informative than I used to. Also i've seen a few other girls closer to my age showing up to them. Its nice to connect with other tgs who are closer to my age and really good to talk to them in person. Eventhough most are still earlier in their transition than I am but its still great to talk to them.
Well thats all I have for now, hope everyone is doing well
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Hello! It has been almost exactly a year since I last posted. Partly because I've been busy and partly because I couldn't find the site because I forgot what it was called! I have a lot of updates, this is almost an origin story so get comfy ;)
So, in May/ June i decided that I was done with moping around being a miserable git and feeling sorry for myself, it was time for change. I started to compile a letter to my family and friends the tell them about the new me. The first draft was about 3000 words and didn't read very well but with a little tweaking I got the count down and it was ready. I sent one to my mum, sister, best friend and I hand delivered the one to my girlfriend because she lived in my city. I know there would be a mixed bag of reactions but the one coming first would be from my girlfriend because she didn't have to suffer the Royal Mail. I was absolutely terrified! I had the letters teetering in the post box, only half in because once there in thats it! No take backsies.
Ill be more than happy to share the letter with you all if you would like, just let me know in the comments. I know it would probably have been better to say it all face to face but it was logistically not possible and I can't speak what I want it comes out as jibberish when I'm nervous.
So later that evening I received a text from my girlfriend to ask me to come over. I gave her an out in the letter and said that I would understand if she didn't want to be with me because of it, its only fair. As soon as she opened the door she burst into tears and I almost broke down myself. She wasn't crying because she was breaking up with me, she was crying at the idea of not being with me. It was all very emotional and we talked for hours about the future and what's going to happen next.
The next day I got a call from my sister crying, but it was more of a happy cry. She was very supportive and continues to be so to this day. I also got a text from my mum telling me she got the letter. *Back story, both my mum and my sister skipped to the end of my letter because they thought it was a joke. Mum then called, crying, and in the outset she seemed supportive. I went to go see her and she back tracked a lot, she didn't get it which is understandable and she didn't necessarily agree with it. The trip made me very sad and I cried a lot in bed that night. She has since become the amazing mum she had been for many years before.
That was all in the space of a week in June, there was a lot of emotion flying around.
Fast forward a month and my city's annual LGBT festival was happening. Oh wait I missed a bit, my girlfriend decided to stay with me because she is amazing! Honestly I wouldn't be the person I am today without her help and support. I am merely pieces of a person but she is my glue, keeping me together. So yeah LGBT festival, I wanted to go out as a woman for the first time. I figured that if I don't look perfect then that would be okay because everyone's dressed up and heading to the gay bar! I picked out an outfit, which was approved by my gf ;) and we headed out with our friend. It was the happiest moment in my life that I can remember for a long long time. Being out, being dressed up, it was exhilarating! I once went to a fancy dress party as a girl when I was 16, no one cottoned on to what I was doing which was fantastic and sad at the same time. So that was pride!
Not much happened in the months following, I started epilating (ow) and practicing with make up. Then when Halloween rolled around I took another chance to go out as Faith. Oh yes, my new name is Faith :) Halloween is a wonder out time where people can be anyone they want, so I did. We had a party and then hit the town. I was having a great old time and even bumped into a few people from uni who didn't recognise me which felt great! Of course my friend rumbled me by calling me by my old name but hey, who cares! I also went out New Years and unfortunately got entangled in a conversation with some random people which was tough because I don't have a woman's voice as of yet but they seemed nice and didn't point it out.
I have taken some big steps to becoming Faith, I have changed my name, I have been put on the GIC waiting list (2 years) and I have planned me entire look as cheaply as possible. While I have taken these big steps, it doesn't feel like enough, I still feel the same. I felt great, I told everyone and everything was going to change and it was going to be great. Nothing changed, that is indeed the issue, every time I see a woman I get a pang of jealousy and then struck with sadness. I don't want to die, but it's getting harder to live like this, I haven't told anyone this because I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me and baby me. Its just hard, I know I'm not alone it's hard for all of us at times, just seems like all the time at the moment.
So that is me fully updated! Thanks for reading if you made it this far ;) look forward to coming back to the blog and talking to some people!
Lots of Love
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new to the site here. guess the best way for others to know me till I get more pics up. make a blog of the things I have faced trying to become the person I have always felt I should be. still do till this day. lot of things may sound clecheish. but these things do pertain to me.
on a nice cool monday morning there was a son born in houston texas. 8:00am in the morning. at a hospital which has been closed since then and now the herman hospital in houston. the year was june 24, 1968. time approximately 8:00am in the morning. young brian was born. some people can remember back to the day they were born. me I can remember back to about when I was four. that was when playing with my sister. playing with boys never felt so right.
when playing with the boys the games and what not. never felt comfortable. at home playing with my sister in her room. felt more natural. now growing up my family. they are the family who believe that boys should be boys. and girls girls. not boys be girls.very set in their ways. there were many of times when with my sister I let her fix my hair. we played with the makeup when our parents were not around. when our parents caught us. they came down n me the most.
even at that young age I have always felt like a sister. my mother a year after my sister was born was pregnant again but after 6 mon ths had a miscarriage. it was a lil girl. they tried again and then came their son. I always wonder if the child they lost was really supposed to be me. I was just given a second chance to be born. but was born in the wrong body. was the girl she miscarriage was that the true me. for I have always felt I should have been her.
I grew up in a very country home. predujice was at a all time back then. someone like me ever was to be found out. could very possibly be in grave danger for being who she is. so whenever my parents were not around. I always dressed as the girl I knew I was.
in school say like in physical education class. I was always uncomfortable about dressing in gym clothes in front of others. when we play team games. they would split the boys into two teams. one make them take their shirts off for skins. the other left their on for shirts. that always petrefied me the most to be on skins. always wanted to cover my chest. so flipped my shirt over my neck so every chance i had I could pull my shirt down.
never really wore shorts cause shaved my leggs alot. and being a boy with shaved leggs was not right for a boy to have. I hated so much knowing I was getting body hair. I do have to admit the emotions I felt inside. I did give a thought or two. suicide but believed in god and made it through.
I never had the attractions to girls like a boys should have. the emotions to girls was the emotions a girl would have. the new clothes that were out. fashions such as dresses, tops, pants and shoes. what kind of makeup was out and the latest perfume. things I only wish I could have. my parents never would get it and I was too young to buy.
15 I got my first job. I was getting my own money. had my beginners permit to drive. father gave me his lil truck to drive. it was then I started to buy my clothes for the first time. couldn't buy many cause I had to keep them hid from my parents. my parents were not rich and always struggled with what they had. so if I wanted something. I had to get it myself.
things had gotten complicated at home when I was 17. 3 months after school I was forced to leave by a choice I didn't want to make. when on my own. I started to buy more clothes. the high school I went to last made me cut my hair cause i always had long hair. I got my first wig at 17. I started to adventure out. live several places around close to home. moved back a couple of times. I started to hang out at a church for students at a major university they have in that town. I was catholic so did do alot for the church. one time I was back at home my mother found my clothes. all hell broke out. they took everything I had and got rid of it. they acted like I was possesed or something. took me to the priest at the church I was hanging out at. devastated me so much. my secret was out.
my mom was getting rid of some of her clothes remember she asking me if there was something I wanted. she didn't mean it. I told her yes and she made sure I knew she was messing with my head when I was being serious. 2 weeks later moved out for good. never lived at the house again.
I bought alot more clothes and makeup and started to take trips around town. never could go to public places still cause of the predujice all around. you had the typical country back woods rednecks. you had the infamous kkk which was very strong at the time. white supremisives, and the black panther and other black groups then.
I moved to a town 65 miles away. seemed like everyday my parents were there. so being on my own never felt that way. the town I moved to did have a gay community. but still had to becareful what I did of all the other radcial groups. that was when I went to my first gay club and met robert.
now in this town the gays were in a group all of their own. when I learn about drag queens, tv, and ts's. back then transgender wsn't in the dictionary I guess cause noone ever mentioned it.
back to robert. I always had my idea of what or what I thought my life consited of. the club was called chances r. I sold things to clubs around town and so scared to death of this place cause going in there I never knew what to expect.
I walk in with the girl I was replacing. when going they say always back then go with someone of the opposite sex. if not the gays would test you if they saw you were straight. first person I came up to was what I thought was a talking wall. his name was robert. 7' 6" 500lbs. we shook hands. lokk up at him. with his blue eyes he looked into my blue eyes with my knees trembling. he replied, you have really pretty eyes. my throat sunk in my stomach. he knew I was nervous then he whispered to me. he had my back. come to him and he would back me up. after that point. being in that kind of atmosphere I then felt like this is where I belong. watched the drag show and the others. felt like it was at a new home. this was where I belonged.
somehow I got into the strip club scene. that was such a learning experince for me. seeing the girls naked never really affected me. I actually had talks with the girls like any other girls would have. I watch how they did makeup. how they did hair. for 20 years I worked those clubs and learn so much.
whenever I wanted to spend time as female my parents always came around. got where it didn't still feel like I was away. so I moved to south texas. 400 miles away. I always did miss seeing them but kept in contact and visited when I could. going to south texas I had more chances to go out more. I was so happy.
I know now when doing hrt. always go through a doctor. so I was ordering overline my female hormones and estrogen. and my steroid blockers. I always worked trying to make a living. all dead end job. had two good ft jobs but got laid off at both. parents always say need anything just call. yea right. when I did they gave me slack about it and lots of time never got it. my nephew was grown and he asked so much that when it came to me. it was always no. many of times I thought I was going to be homeless. I took the pills when I could. afford them that is.
as time went on. started to hear the word transgender. so did alot of research on my own on the transgender community. got really familiar with it. for I was transgender but never had to income coming to pursue it. still as of 4/19/2012 I do struggle alot. I wish I won the lottery so I could do my hrt. I have already contacted a hospital in california for the srs. when that happens I would like the ffc as well. I am hoping to get implants this year so far. I have a psychiatrist lined out for my therapy. but she is like 25 miles away and the cost is alot for me on my income.
the job I have now. I have tried to transition some but they won't see it. I can't really go against their rules even those it is against the law for denying what I am becoming. my skin is softer. hair is thicker but need to do so transplants to get it to grow right. at work all my under garments are females. bra, panties, etc. if I could know of a job they would let me transition and paid good with benefits I would go. but right now stuck here at this dead end job. so at work I have to portray my male side. but at home I live all female. the hospital in california said even if it is just at work I am not female but the rest of the time I am. after the therapy and year on hrt. they would do my srs for my. so when they said that it did give me more hope.
I feel female. I live female. everything I do away from work is female. being female is the life I only know. so hopefully one day I will win the lottery and I can quit here and go ft as the women I feel inside. long time ago I was petrified going out in public. now its only natural for me.
so the obstacle I have faced in life. the banishment from the parents. the predjudice of the many radcial groups. surviving everyday doing what came natural for me. thinking of my friends that are like me that didn't make it. I miss them everyday. helps make me stronger everyday.
so if you ask me today what I am. I would reply transgender working on my transition. but with the obstacle I face with money and challenges with others. just takes so much longer.
my biggest dream is this. when I die. I want to leave this world full female. I came in as male but always felt the body that was given to me wasn't the right one. the miscarriage my mother had. to me that was the body that was meant for me.
I work hard everyday on my transition. and look for others girls, ts tv, and women that can except me for who I am and let me be me. as for men I would like to meet one one day. but he has to see me as me only. that is what is on the inside not the outside and treat ne with the highest respect that way.
there is so much more about me than what is listed here. I could go on for days. even though it just seemed I did. I am always open for questions. cause I studied so much on my lifestyle. I never mind giving advice to others. only thing I regret in life. I wasn't more informed on the steps and was able to become a full women much earlier. my life is good. but if I could have transitoned earlier. I would have been so much happier.
well hope this gives you the background of me and the challenges I had to face and stil have yet to come. feel free to ask anything. I am very open to all aspect of my life. I appreciate you all take the time and reading. hope you find what you seek when it comes to me.
( friends call me sammie)
I have been quiet over the past few months. I have visited the site but have not written anything. Not commented on anything, not added an entry to the blog, etc. All I've done is read what others are writing about. I've noticed a few people sign off lately; saying goodbye; moving on. I've wondered about their reasons for leaving. I've also wondered what I'm doing here.
To be honest, one of the things that has bothered me is whether it's safe to post here. I've thought about the way the political landscape has changed in the USA and what that might mean for people who are based in the USA - and also what it might mean for people like me who are not based in the USA but whose words are, in all likelihood, being stored in a US data centre as I type. Am I being paranoid? Probably. Do I have cause to be paranoid? Not sure, yet. Probably not. But I am also wondering whether I have anything useful or interesting to say anymore.
I could tell people about how I've visited the gender specialists three times since i last added an entry to this blog, and how I have another two appointments lined up - one later this week and one next month. I could talk about the fact that my GP still isn't prescribing my testosterone and I'm still getting it via a private prescription, and that my GP has received written instructions from the gender specialists about what to prescribe and how to monitor my blood, but that she still doesn't seem inclined to do it. I could talk about my relationship with my husband, or my brother, or how things are going at work, or how one phone call from me to the psychologist at the gender clinic is all it would take to set up a referral to a surgeon for top surgery.
But I don't really want to. I've realised that I'm being self-indulgent on here. I've recently read through some of my previous posts and it seems to me that I've felt sorry for myself quite a lot and I don't want to do that anymore.
Everyone has problems. Everyone has things they need to work out or work through. I have it quite easy, really. I have a good life and I have family and friends who care about me and respect me. When I come here I seem to forget that and I only dwell on the negatives. I've used this site to moan and complain when, really, I have nothing to moan or complain about.
I wish everyone well. I hope you all get what you want out of life and I hope your journeys progress the way you want them to. I hope the destination is as wonderful as you envisage it to be.
Peace and long life.
Here is my blog.I am currently a pre op ts started hormones at age 14.My life as a boy was a living hell and had feeling I was a girl at an early age.I began raiding my mom's closet trying on her pantyhose and shoes.My mom found them out of place a few times and caught me when I was 14.Finally came out out and she did not accept it at all including my father.They kicked me out for good telling me I was not to come back.I thought I was a lost cause after that.I recieved a second chance thanks to my Aunt Bev,said I was welcomed in her house.After that saw I was not happy at all and I could not take it living as a boy anymore.It came down going through my closet throwing my male clothes out and replaced with girl's clothing.It was the transformation too,began growning my hair out and got my ears pierced including my nails done.I was much happier when I saw the new me and moved on.My Aunt Bev got me help too,diagnosed with gender dysphoria at age 14 and began hormone therapy 3 monthes after I was diagnosed.I approved for the SRS when I was 19 and turned it down.I wanted to keep what I was born with and and knew it would be a huge regret having the SRS.Love my life now,have a boyfriend Brandon of 2 years and he does know I am a pre op.Told him 2 weeks before we dated and he had feelings for me after I told him.He does love me and we live together,is a very open minded person.My journey has been going well and keeping this way.I have a special friendship with my Aunt Bev ever since,still loves me and would not give up on me.
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