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  • Lori

    Transgender Bloggers Wanted: Share Your Journey

    By Lori

    Create your own blog at TGGuide.com. It's FREE and you can start right now. Some people blog as a sort of journal to share our thoughts, feelings, experiences and insights. Others blog to express opinions on social and political issues. Others blog to share their knowledge and experience with others. Go ahead. Express yourself! Others may be grappling with issues you blog about and your words could provide useful insight or answers. Here are some blog topic ideas to get your creative juices flowing; A daily journal about your life and experiences
    A journal documenting when you go full time
    A journal to document your gender reassignment surgery
    Dating experiences and tips
    Crossdressing tips
    Experience with makeup
    Passing in public
    Your experiences when you go out in public
    Restroom experiences
    Transitioning at work
    Dealing with counselors or medical personnel
    Introspection about your particular gender identity
    Dealing with or overcoming self-limiting beliefs
    Dealing with addictions
    Dealing with self-destructive behaviors
    Interactions with police or government workers
    Changing your drivers license, birth certificate, etc.
    Applying for jobs
    Your big day, when you go full time
    Hormonal development (please don't discuss dosages or make medical type recommendations)
    Experiences with electrolysis
    How other members of your new gender react to you, and your experiences
    Your recommendations to others about to follow your path
    Your thoughts about whether surgery is necessary to be your desired gender
    Differences in how you feel dressed or not dressed
    What your life would be like if you still repressed your inner identity
    Poetry or prose
    These are a few ideas to get you started. Feel free to leave comments to suggest your own ideas, or just start a blog and share with everyone. Just log into your control panel to start your own blog. This could be interesting!
    • 28 comments
    • 7,531 views
 

The fantastic journey......

Hello again!  Things are going great and I am 42 days on hrt and 73 days since I started my transition. My body has been changing which feels great. I have spent time with my therapist working on coming out to my wife and I feel much better than before. We came up with a plan where I focus on the marriage and trying to get her wealthy and happy. She has been stressed and unhappy for awhile now. So I Asked her the other day about us, our future and if we could work on things. She told me that she is feeling much better about me and the marriage since I stopped drinking. I haven’t had a drink since I made the decision to transition or even a  desire to drink which is amazing. She is really stressed about work but I sense there is more to it. She has been drinking a lot herself and I told her I loved her and was worried. “I just want you to be happy what ever that means, it’s all going to be okay”. She seems to be happier since that day and I will just keep moving forward with her. The goal is to get her to a better place in her life so she will be able to handle the news of my transition. I am trying to think of her and my kids first. Hopefully she will open up about what is really under the surface. I have a couple of ideas so we will see. The fear that starts to take over when I practice coming out to her or even imagine it has really gone down. My therapist is also a trained neurobehavioral therapist so she has all these cool techniques to work with. One that has helped me tons has to do with eye movements. When I feel that intense fear or while in therapy trying to feel it, she would hold her hand flat in front of my face about a foot 1/2 away. Then while I focus on the feeling she would move her hand from side to side and I would follow with my eyes, keeping my head still. Now, when we started this I thought it was stupid but I did it anyway. I did feel a tiny bit better that day. BUT... every time I start to feel that intense fear and anxiety, I do the eye movements pretending to follow her hand. It has worked amazingly well. Crazy good. I have been feeling so content and calm. I have actually been trying to feel the fear just so I can make it go away. She told me that the cycle of wanting to transition but not doing it because of fear and then pushing it away has built up in a progressive manner. This makes it harder and harder to get through it and most people don’t. I hope this help someone like it has helped me. What a fantastic journey......what will be next. I am writing this with my wife sitting right in front of me. I used to wait until I had some “safe time”. I have so much to say but I’m running late for a meeting. May tomorrow.  Christy😍

Christy

Christy

 

Being Alone

Yesterday was my wife's birthday, so it has been a bit of a poignant weekend. As it is, I have created my own little world, and overall, it seems to suit me quite well. My wife used to say that I really didn’t need anybody since I was so self-contained. I hate to think that’s the case, but there is truth to it. I have such a routine with the dogs and the house and everything needs to be on schedule. I really doubt that anyone would want to put up with that. I certainly don’t want to wish myself on someone at this point.  Besides, I don’t want to take on anymore heartache and tragedy. I have absolutely zero desire to go out. I do make myself go to evening Chamber of Commerce functions—some anyway, and I am obligated to attend AFLAC awards parties, although I go under duress. I don’t drink anymore either and this is a party crowd. I’m just so content to be at home in the evening, dressed in comfy clothes, and looking out after my puppies. It’s quiet on the weekends. During the week, my phone chimes often with texts from my boss and co-workers. I still hear from family and friends, so I do have social life of sorts.  It seems to work.

MichelleLea

MichelleLea

 

Return of the Native

I was hoping to come back with a splash, but that will have to wait. For the record, I did hit my Fireball award--which came with a nice bonus--and I am now aiming for Super Fireball and an even nicer bonus. I am continuing to do what I do and try new things too. Nothing earth-shattering yet. I still feel confident that I will make my next goal. When I do, my boss wants me to take a leadership position on our team which means having a small team of my own along with a quota that goes with it. I'm not quite ready yet, but it is a nice vote of confidence. I have led teams before so I know how to do it. I won't mind the extra money that comes with it too. Aside from that, life goes on about the same. I pretty much work, eat, sleep, and do some dressing when I'm home. I am doing okay. I hope everyone else here is doing well.
 

Blood test

So after 4 months of taking over the counter estrogen and other dietary supplements I've made my appointment take my blood test now I'm waiting for results to go back to start HRT full-time although I practically been on my own HRT for the past 4 months which end result have been positive such as breast budding and softer skin and overall good health and sore and sensitive nipples that  Are all ways hard .😀
 

"Eat, Pray, Love"

It seems that many (all?) Seattle neighborhoods—including mine—have these small kiosks where we can drop off books for others and choose from what's there, all for free. That's just so cool for someone like me who loves to read and I often wonder if others appreciate the ones I drop off. The other day I found "Eat, Pray, Love" by Elizabeth Gilbert. I started reading it and loved it so much. I found myself literally laughing out loud while reading it in coffee shops! On Sunday morning I curled up on my couch with a cup of coffee to finish it before getting ready to join some friends for lunch. In the last pages I came across some paragraphs that spoke to me directly: Excerpts from “Eat, Pray, Love” Page 327 On my ninth day of silence, I went into meditation one evening on the beach as the sun was going down and I didn’t stand up again until after midnight. I remember thinking, “This is it, Liz.” I said to my mind, “This is your chance. Show me everything that is causing you sorrow. Let me see all of it. Don’t hold anything back.” One by one, the thoughts and memories of sadness raised their hands, stood up to identify themselves. I looked at each thought, at each unit of sorrow, and I acknowledged its existence and felt (without trying to protect myself from it) its horrible pain. And then I would tell that sorrow, “It’s OK. I love you. I accept you. Come into my heart now. It’s over.” I would actually feel the sorrow (as if it were a living thing) enter my heart (as if it were an actual room). Then I would say, “Next?” and the next bit of grief would surface. I would regard it, experience it, bless it, and invite it into my heart, too. I did this with every sorrowful thought I’d ever had—reaching back into years of memory—until nothing was left. Then I said to my mind, “Show me your anger now.” One by one, my life’s every incident of anger rose and made itself known. Every injustice, every betrayal, every loss, every rage. I saw them all, one by one, and I acknowledged their existence. I felt each piece of anger completely, as if it were happening for the first time, and then I would say, “Come into my heart now. You can rest there. It’s safe now. It’s over. I love you.” This went on for hours, and I swung between these mighty poles of opposite feelings—experiencing the anger thoroughly for one bone-rattling moment, and then experiencing a total coolness, as the anger entered my heart, as if through a door, laid itself down, curled up against its brothers and gave up fighting. Then came the most difficult part. “Show me your shame,” I asked my mind. Dear God, the horrors I saw then. A pitiful parade of all my failings, my lies, my selfishness, jealousy, arrogance. I didn’t blink from any of it, though. “Show me your worst,” I said. When I tried to invite these events of shame into my heart, they each hesitated at the door, saying, “No—you don’t want me in there … don’t you know what I did?” and I would say, “I do want you. Even you. I do. Even you are welcome here. It’s OK. You are forgiven. You are part of me. You can rest now. It’s over.” When all this was finished, I was empty. Nothing was fighting in my mind anymore. I looked into my heart, at my own goodness, and I saw its capacity. I saw that my heart was not even nearly full, not even after having taken in and tended to all those calamitous urchins of sorrow and anger and shame; my heart could easily have received and forgiven even more. Its love was infinite. I knew then that this is how God loves us all and receives us all, and that there is no such thing in this universe as hell, except maybe in our own terrified minds. Because if even one broken and limited human being could experience even one such episode of absolute forgiveness and acceptance of her own self, then imagine—just imagine!—what God, in all His eternal compassion, can forgive and accept. I also knew somehow that this respite of peace would be temporary. I knew that I was not yet finished for good, that my anger, my sadness and my shame would all creep back eventually, escaping my heart, and occupying my head once more. I knew that I would have to keep dealing with those thoughts again and again until I slowly and determinedly changed my whole life. And that this would be difficult and exhausting to do. But my heart said to my mind in thre dark silence of that beach, “I love you, I will never leave you, I will always take care of you.” That promise floated up out of my heart and I caught it in my mouth and held it there, tasting it as I left the beach and walked back to the little shack where I was staying. I found an empty notebook, opened it up to the first page—and only then did I open my mouth and speak those words into the air, letting them free. I let those words break my silence and then I allowed my pencil to document their colossal statement onto the page:  “I love you, I will never leave you, I will always take care of you.” Those were the first words I ever wrote in that private notebook of mine, which I would carry with me from that moment forth, turning back to it many times over the next two years, always asking for help—and always finding it, even when I was mostly deadly sad or afraid. And that notebook, steeped through with that promise of love, was quite simply the only reason I survived the next years of my life. Page 329 My thoughts turn to something I read once, something the Zen Buddhists believe. They say an oak tree is brought into creation by two forces at the same time. Obviously, there is the acorn from which it all begins, the seed which holds all the promise and potential, which grows into the tree. Everybody can see that. But only a few can recognize that there is another force operating here as well—the future tree itself, which wants so badly to exist that it pulls the acorn into being, drawing the seedling forth with longing out of the void, guiding the evolution from nothingness to maturity. In this respect, say the Zens, it is the oak tree that creates the very acorn from which it is born. I think about the woman I have become lately, about the life I am now living, and about how much I always wanted to be this person and live this life, liberated from the farce of pretending to be anyone other than myself. I think of everything I endured before getting here and wonder if it was me—I mean, this happy and balanced me, who is now dozing on the deck of this small Indonesian fishing boat—who pulled the other, younger, more confused and struggling me forward during all those hard years. The younger me was the acorn full of potential, but it was the older me, the already-existent oak, who was saying the whole time: “Yes—grow! Change! Evolve! Come and meet me here, where I already exist in wholesomeness and maturity! I need you to grow into me!” And maybe it was this present and fully actualized me who was hovering four years ago… Liz started her life-changing journey four years earlier. My journey also started exactly four years ago in 2014 when I started seeing a new therapist. At our first meeting I told him that I carried a tremendous secret shame that I'd never fully divulged to anyone and that, this time, I promised to go "open kimono" if he'd be patient and encouraging. He was kind and patient as it took me several months to even broach the possibility that I might be transgender.  Throughout our 3+ years together he talked about how to listen to our inner turmoils, accept and love them, and gently put them on a treasured shelf of trophies in my mind. Like many things like this it's much easier said than done. I think I know now how correct he, Zen, and Liz are.  To paraphrase the last paragraph I absconded from Liz's book: I think about the woman I have become and am becoming, the life and joys I am living, and how much I always wanted to be this person and live this life. Truly, I've never felt so at peace, such love, and happy. It's like I'm channeling Sally Field as she accepted her Oscar, "You like me, right now! You like me!" I'm a happy girl. Emma P.S. I suspect that Liz and her publisher would be okay with my copying about 1,000 words from her book. I heartily endorse it (and not just to appease the Plagiarism Gods). She's an amazing woman, a delightful writer, and tells an important story.     

Emma

Emma

 

On Coming Out

Coming out has been quite a journey for me. The first person I came out to was my therapist in 2014 and later that year my (now ex) wife. In 2015 I came out to several others, mostly therapists and people who participated in local trans groups. Toward the end of 2016 I came out individually to my two sons as well as a couple of friends. Last summer I sent an email to about 100 friends and colleagues, letting them in on my little secret. Yesterday was the biggest day thus far. Yesterday I updated my name, gender, and profile photo on Facebook. And an hour later I pulled the same ripcord on LinkedIn. I think now I'm about as out as I'll ever be. I've never felt as at peace and happy and proud to be me as I am now. Such a huge weight has been lifted off of my head and brain.  Funny story: before changing my FB presence I talked to my ex-wife for a couple of hours yesterday morning about all sorts of stuff but she didn't bring up the email I'd sent her informing her of my intention to change my FB name. So I brought it up. Her reply, "Oh that, good for you!"

Emma

Emma

 

girl jeans

so i converted to girl jeans now. my ass dont fit right in the boy ones no more. its strange because i been getting weird looks when im out now but i feel ok. im not freaked out like prob i going to be in dresses. so i think this good style for me. now i prob need to get some boots. my legs sort suprise me to. i havent notice that i walking different now i guess it just happen. im seeing more of me everday so thats nice. hope everone have a great time. i never think i would do it but i get very tired an angry wearing the boy jeans all the time.

Kitrah

Kitrah

 

My First Bra Fitting

I remember hearing that Nordstrom is trans-friendly and offered free bra fittings. But also, back then, I was terrified at the thought. I knew it might happen some day but when that day came I'd know that I'd have to have really come into my own in a much more secure way.  I've only purchased my bras on Amazon. They fit okay, and weren't that expensive. I measured myself with a band size of 38 and as my mother's was 34 I thought I was in the right ballpark. The first cup size was C because that's the size I felt was more ideal for my body size and here again, it was the same as my mom's. Later, I decided to go for size B since it may be that that's the best I'll be able to naturally grow into at my age. About a week ago I decided that I was sick and tired of one bra strap constantly falling down my arm, the band binding around my chest, and decided that it was time to go to Nordie's. I called and made an appointment. All went fine and easy. Yesterday (Valentine's Day) I met with a 20-something woman in the lingerie department. I wasn't particularly nervous, mostly just excited. We went into a private changing room, she asked me what I was looking for. I wanted to buy three bras that fit: black, beige, and white. I took off my top and she measured my band size at 36. Wow!  She then brought in several different ones, helped me with them. She didn't rush me at all, and had zero problem with my questions or not liking some of them. I eventually bought five: beige, white, light pink, and violet, and a black exercise bra. Oh, and a very pretty summer-weight robe, chemise, and pajama pants: gotta be ready for Spring, right? Amazing it was such a small bag for $500. But, you know, I'm very happy knowing that now I am wearing a pretty bra that fits, just for me. I don't know how much more Nordstrom shopping I can afford; Nordstrom Rack is more like it. But now I know what size to look for!  Happy Valentines!

Emma

Emma

 

FTM and masculinity

One of the things that Ive had to face as a FTM is that apparently, if your not super manly or just masculine and into masculine things, that it makes you less of a transman or  an attention-seeker. Me being the not so masculine trans guy, this just sucks. Even within our own trans community there are still people who try to invalidate other trans people, just so they themselves can feel more valid. Well truth is, that whether or not you wear makeup, wear dresses, and just all round appear more feminine, it doesn't have anything to do with your gender! Express yourself in anyway that makes you guys comfortable. Not every guy has to have facial hair and not every guy needs a super low voice either. I would know I had a cis friend who's voice LITERALLY made him sound like a girl. So you do you my fluffy people. I personally have been looked down upon just because I identify as male and use makeup, like what does that have to do with my gender??? I have no clue why people do this, it's like a race to see who's more valid than the next guy? Why can't we just accept that we are all valid and different in our own special way? That's just how the world works. Im sorry if my thoughts seem a bit incoherent, I'm not a very good writer. I just wanted to write some feelings and experiences down every once in a while.

Meronoxide

Meronoxide

 

Guess who showed up.

Hello again.  Well, I had a couple of great days. I went to the laser appointment on Monday and it went well. She charged me $125 and will remove all the hair that laser couldn’t get with electrolysis for $35. That includes the back and face and I will probably have the chest/abdomen done as well(for an added cost). As for the pain....ouch! especially the upper lip & chin. I have a pretty high tolerance for pain, but I had to take a break every couple of minutes. They don’t use any numbing cream for insurance purposes so that stinks but at least they have the cooling spray. She did say that this was the worst it will get because the the thick course hair is now gone. I guess the face is the most painful. My skin was a little red and sensitive for about 3 hours but not to bad. The hair should start to fall out over the next 2 weeks and then back for more in 5 weeks. It will be interesting to see the difference between laser and electrolysis. The whole process made me feel like I was moving forward with my transition. One more step. One more day. I am still trying to slow myself down a bit but everything keeps falling into place very comfortably so I’m not going to fight it. I felt so good and girly about the prospects of not have a beard that I stopped off at Walgreens. I picked up some makeup, nail polish, deodorant and other things because I was feeling so good. I’m not really nervous about shopping for “girl stuff “ anymore. I got home took a shower and shaved with the intention of getting some work done before lunch but that didn’t happen. After shaving I started to clean my face and then put on moisturizers which made my skin feel really nice. Then I decided to pluck a few eyebrow hairs but that just led to full makeup. Light, but it was the most makeup I have put on in many many years. I loved it, and my eyes got bigger and brighter...I was feeling great. I decided that I was going to keep the makeup on while I did some work. Boy clothes weren’t going to satisfy the girl looking back at me in the mirror, she was pushing forward. So, I put on a pair of my wife’s jeans (fit pretty good), a nice stretchy top that fit perfectly (careful not to get makeup on it, lessen learned) and a cute pair of sandals. I then painted my nails a very light pink. I just couldn’t stop myself. It also taught me that I need more practice. Anyway, I was feeling very happy in a kind of content way but I felt like I wanted something more. Earrings! As I walked into the bathroom looking for that little extra something I glanced at myself in the mirror....I stopped. Turning to the side I sucked in my tummy and arched my back just a bit. With my left hand on my tummy and my right hand on my bum I looked into the mirror. Without meaning too I said out loud in a soft feminine voice “holy crap”. My eyes started to swell up with tears and my knees buckled slightly. As I stood back up into the same pose I said out loud “holy s... I love this....I love you”. I looked better than I expected (HRT must be working) and for the first time ever in my life, I was looking at the real me. I am sure many of you have had this experience yourselves but it’s hard for me to describe the feeling. My bum is fuller and a little jiggly, my breast’s were really visible in the colorful top and my skin looked so soft. My eyes were really bright and at that moment I knew that there was no turning back, I can’t. Not after feeling and seeing my true self. I have been saying to myself that if it becomes to much or to scary that I could stop. Just push it back down like I have in the past. Many times. I’ve done it before so I can do it again kind of thing. This is different. Stronger. Deeper. She finally showed up and I’ve been waiting for this for a long time. I stayed as myself for the rest of the day choosing to work from home. No one else was home so I was free to do all the normal things around the house that I would do on any other day. I was even going to take a drive around town but the day flew by and I ran out of time. I slept realllllllllly well last night. In the morning I took care of the kids and some appointments for work. Then I went to Chico’s near my home and bought a pair of jeans and a nice top of my own then I went to see my therapist. I now have my very first outfit. Casual which I think reflects my personality. My therapist and I are working on what I need to do and how I am going to come out. I need to plan for the future. At times this freaks me out and then other times I am ok with whatever happens. We did some role play in therapy which really helped me. I will be taking care of my kids and then myself tonight (I have been doing a facial regime every night) and tomorrow I will be dressed as myself again. The crazy thing is now the roles I’ve been playing (so to speak) have flipped. When I dress as a man now I truly feel like a phony. Don’t get me wrong some of the boy clothes are comfy and nice but it has changed. It doesn’t feel normal anymore and even though I understand it intellectually I’m still a bit confused by the quick shift. I went back and read all my posts searching for some clarity and was amazed again at how far I have come in 47 days. Just astonishing to me. I just kept taking the next step, walking through my fears. Next as far as body changes go I will be looking into ffs and voice. I wouldn’t be where I’m at without the help, guidance, support and compassion you all have shown me. From my heart ❤️ thank you.    Live,love,learn Christy😍

Christy

Christy

 

New day!

I had so much fun with that app and it really did lift my spirits but I started spending to much time with it. The pic started to bother me for some reason so I took it down. I found myself saying “oh I will never look that good” which probably isn’t healthy for me. The future is a  mystery.  Today was good, just kind of even as far as the transition goes. I did get to spend a lot of time with my kids and even took them to a show with my parents. We had a great time. My father still doesn’t know yet and I’m not sure how I will get the courage to tell him. I will work on telling him and my wife with the therapist next week. 😬 I am excited and nervous about my laser hair removal appointment tomorrow for my face. I have a feeling that might easy the dysphoria a bit because I can’t stand this beard. I couldn’t shave for 2 days in preparation for the laser. Ugh. I will have the opportunity over the next couple of days to sleep in girl clothes 😍 I have been taking care of my body, working out, eating healthy and just trying to enjoy all these new feelings. I do get some doubts but they don’t seem to last very long. Luckily I have some transgender friends that I met and they are a blessing to have in my life. One guy ftm, invited me over today to me his wife and family which was sooo nice but I had my kids so I couldn’t go. 😕 maybe next week.  I will post my thoughts on the laser tomorrow and if it hurts more than the back. I have a feeling it might. Well off to bed.   Christy😍

Christy

Christy

 

Big Boy/Girl

I have enjoyed reading everyone's experiences in acknowledging their gender roles--some good, some awkward given the culture we live in. As I have written before, I am content now to be able to wear feminine clothing on my own and feel comfortable doing it. I have to thank the girls at TG Guide for being supportive and empathetic. I believe that if we do nothing else in life, we need to be there for each other. We're all we have, and we're all in this together. I love you all. On another note, I opened my first business account all by myself today, and do I feel smart. It was a small beauty salon, and fortunately, the owner was a lovely lady who was very patient with me. I go back this Sunday after everyone is out of church to complete the enrollments.  This makes three barber shops and now one salon that I have opened. Maybe, I have found my niche. I am going to the speed networking event at the Chamber of Commerce on Monday evening. That should be an experience for sure. More to come on that later.

MichelleLea

MichelleLea

 

Awareness

Yesterday while standing outside on break at work I hear someone say “hey you”, turned, looked around and here is a trans person whom I’ve known but have not seen in ages standing there. I said hi, she comes over and we hug. She is around 30 years old and when she (from what I remember) doing well (on her meds) very passable other than her voice. Well I could tell she was not well shaven facial wise and was very loud when chatting with her. There was a couple about 50 feet away that could not take their eyes off her and know full well that it was from her appearance, partly female, partly male.  It was not one or two glances over in our direction but many over say (I was not keeping time) ten minutes. I felt like saying something but decided not too as it could very well have gone in a direction that I did not care for and was on break at work while if not at work would had said something. The take-a-way from this is if you are looking to present as one gender than make an effort while if your are fluid it doesn’t matter yet this person is looking to be totally female and have surgery. Also, people say in general they are accepting of trans but we all know there are some who are not and need to be cognitive to this as some do mean us harm.   From the day I first presented myself (after surgery) as female clothing, mannerism and voice needed to be there and made sure it was. This is not to say it’s wrong to go against the grain but if so be prepared for blowback be it people staring, saying nasty things or physical, be aware is the bottom line

KarenPayne

KarenPayne

 

Girls day!

Last weekend I got to do something that I thought could only dream about. That was to participate in all girls day with my friends. The girls were gladly to accept me  as one of them. It felt so good to be with them and enjoy all of the activity’s we did. I felt so free. Also going to my first therapy session this weekend. 

Frank09

Frank09

 

Time

I am feeling really girly today! As I was sitting on my patio this morning meditating, I felt more like a girl then ever before. Is was a very calm peasant experience that just make me feel happy and normal. It’s hard to put this into words but I guess I am starting to connect more with my true self. In the past I was always attached to the boy side because it was a great Benifit in my life. (Blessed with good looks) . People definitely treated me differently and it made life a little easier in most cases. When starting this transition that was something I didn’t want to let go of, so I was holding on to it. But as the boy is disappearing and the girl wakes up I am letting go of the things that were holding me back from being me. What a fascinating experience to go through. I am realizing how my much I have trained myself, not only in mannerisms but in thoughts as well. I am finding out more about what I really like in life and the true nature of why I made certain choices in the past. Looking at the past I can see many of the opportunities that presented themselves for me to transition. I guess I knew that when they were right in front of me (to some extent anyway) but just couldn’t take the next step. In hindsight I was just afraid of the unknown and that fear steered the course my life for a long time. Don’t get me wrong, I have had a great life filled with a ton of blessings but it was kind of manufactured to some extent. Now it’s starting to fell more organic or natural in a way. At the same time my brain is saying, hey! Wait just a minute there.....you are physically manufacturing your body with HRT and taking certain steps to change. That is not organic at all sooo.....I guess this must be on the spiritual level in some way. Either way it just feel correct. It’s kind of like the energy of the world is saying ahhhhhhhh finally we are on the right path. Welp! Time to shave the beard off! I am really looking forward to laser hair appointment. 😜 live,love,learn Christy😍

Christy

Christy

 

Time

Hello all😃 Everything is going well today. I am healing up great from the surgery and getting some energy back. I still have glue on the  incisions but they look good. I am able to get around for work and everything else but I do take it easy. Going to the gym now for a short walk and to see what else I can do. HRT is going well and feeling fine. I have noticed some growth in the breasts and the butt/hips although it is very small and I’m fine with that. My butt and chest definitely jiggle more now. I would like my butt to be a little firmer so that is why I’m going to the gym. Stair master! Slowly.  I do have a sense of peace in my life now that I haven’t felt for a long time. Oh and my eye lashes are definitely growing or getting darker because my bottom lashes were almost invisible before I started back in December. Now you can definitely see them just a bit. I have been working on my skin  routine for about two weeks now and the results are starting to show.  My face is definitely getting more feminized but my  pores  are still clogged so I think I might need to have that extracted or something. I was looking up some information on how to go about it and saw something about a hydrafacial. I watched a video on it and it look like it made a lot of sense but I’m not sure where to go.  I also scheduled an appointment to start facial hair removal and I will let you know how that goes as well. After the experience with laser removal on my back and arms I am quite confident it will go fine.  It’s also odd to me that little things that didn’t bother me as much before are starting to bother me more now. Like people calling me sir, (which I understand)  having more dysphoria regarding facial hair, body hair and wearing boy clothes.  I was just at a restaurant picking up some to food and when my order was ready the girl said “Sir your order is here”.  Which is completely normal. For the first time I stepped up and wanted to correct her but I didn’t. It caught me off guard or something, just a  twinge of  ”hey!” That’s not right. Weird. I have more appointments next week and will let you know how that goes. Off to the gym!!👏🏻 Live,love,learn🐠 Christy😍

Christy

Christy

 

Time to reflect

Hello all this is my story......I need to get it out. One of the first memories I have (regarding my gender) is playing in the stair well of the apartment complex which had 3 levels and a wall of glass looking outside. We were making up stories and playing them out by choosing characters and I reallllllllly wanted to be the mermaid. I was 5 years old. Everyone played and we had a lot of fun, girls and boys. We continued to play this way for the summer on and off, but each time we played I wanted to be a female character and sometimes argued with the girls over it. Only one time did I concede the role I wanted to another girl and that was only because the boys started making fun of me. As we played these roles over time the girls started dressing up for their characters and well...I started borrowing their clothes or costumes and I really enjoyed it. I didn't really think any think of it, we were just having fun. That was one of the first memories. The years went bye and I still wanted to be the girl, wearing girl stuff when I could. So, I did. Then the ridicule from others started to gain momentum (boys and girls) so I started keeping thing to myself more & more. I was about 8-9 and I remember sitting in the bathroom for long periods of time wishing I had a vagina and hating my penis. That’s when I learned how to take my boy parts and make them look like girl parts. Always wishing they would just stay that way but they never would. I would lift the testis up in the pockets, push the penis back into my body and pull the scrotum up and over everything. Then shape the scrotum to look like a vagina. It actually looked pretty good and relieved my dysphoria. (although I didn’t know it at the time) That’s when I swiped a pair of pantyhose from the laundry pile and put them on one night after dinner. My mom thought it was cute and allowed me to wear them while we watched TV. I love it!!!! I love the feeling on my skin and the way it made me feel inside. I was just a little closer to being a girl than ever before. I liked it so much that I started wearing my sister’s clothes as well and asking my mom to put make up on me, so she did. After some time that is how I dressed whenever I could and I would sleep in girl clothes if given the opportunity. Then one day that was it…..I was told that this is not appropriate and I could not dress like a girl anymore. I was very upset and didn’t see what the big deal was. I guess someone saw me and then ask my parent about it so they made up some story and put the brakes on all of it. So, they thought……. I just went underground with my dressing and loved it. I would put on my little sister’s gymnastics outfit (leggings & bodysuit) and fall asleep almost every night wishing I would magically turn into a girl the next day. Over and over and over again. I just kept acquiring more things to wear over the years and making sure to hide them well. My dad did kind of catch me once but he didn’t really see what I was doing and we never spoke of it. Whsheww… This went on until I was about 14-15 and then I really started ramping up things. Also on the outside I was a cute boy with lots of girlfriends, I was having a lot of fun in life. I guess I thought this would pass or I would just keep it a secret forever. Nobody needs to know that I like this stuff. Well My mom started working again so I found myself home alone almost everyday for at least 2 hrs. That is when I started dressing all the way. I had just a bit of hair on my legs so I shaved them. I was completely dressed as a girl from shoes to hair & makeup. I would do this every chance I could, keeping it very very quite. Until one day I just had to go out into the world and I wasn’t even aware why I felt this way. I just had to do it. So I went out to get the mail and came back in. It was so exciting and I thought that even if someone saw me they would never know it was ME. Well someone did see me and asked my mom about it and then…she asked me. Soooo, I lied my way around that one as well, I felt terrible, ashamed and scared. So back in the closet again little girl…away with you. I was really good at sports and decided to focus all my attention on that as well as girls. (I just loved the girls so cute) I had to ask myself if I was gay or not…but if I liked girls and not boys (sexually) what the hell is going on. This must be a phase or something. More time goes by and I never spot dressing in female clothes when I want to or when I can. All the time seemingly living a great cismale life. Sports, Collage, Social, etc. Then while I was working as a part time personal trainer some friends decided to move out to LA. One of the guys going backed out and they asked me. I said yes and pack up my stuff. At the age of 20 I found myself in a whole new world that was exciting and scary. I won’t go into the details but I started wearing female underwear and well you get it. Still hiding. I made the decision that there is nothing weird about it and lots of rockers were wearing makeup. That is when I started to transition and it felt really great until my friends started questioning me and at other times making fun of the LBGT community. I was freaking out and instead of going forward I went the other way. I became super fit and shaped my body into something I could be proud of. I was trying to over compensate for the way I felt and I continued this for 15yrs.………Damnn. So now I have a wife and kids and time is not on my side. I thought many times that I will take it to the grave and years passed by. But it is always there. I have even come close to death a couple of times by trying to drink this away but…..nope. So, this past holiday season came to an end and I made the decision to move forward no matter what. The crazy thing is that after truly making this decision I have a sense of calm come over me. I am happier. I know there are going to be ups and downs but that is how life is, transgender or not. It has been a little over a month on herbals and only couple of days on HRT. I have noticed many small changes from my breasts, skin, hair, butt etc. and they feel correct. Well that is all I have time for now but I will be updating this blog on a regular basis. Thanks so much and remember live,love,Learn Christy Male to Female (MtF) Transsexual Dis   
  Hello everyone! Well I’m feeling much better today. I can move around pretty well. I will need to take it easy for awhile, no yoga😞. But I can still walk! I started HRT yesterday and really happy about that. I haven’t been able to wear anything girly which is bumming me out a bit but that’s life. I have been practicing my voice and as hard as it is I think it’s going well. My  throat is a little soar from the air tube during surgery but that actually helped me with my tone because I had to speak softly. I was even speaking at a higher pitch it just didn’t hurt as much. I was thinking I should have had them suck out the extra fat around my belly when they were in there. Lol. Anyway, the HRT is great, easier and cheaper the the herbals were. The Endo told me to stop all herbals and she will see me in 30 days. I will also get another blood work up done this week. I have been online looking for a pair of sandals, jeggings and some sort of top to wear.  I want something that’s kind of androgynous for the shoes and the top. The jeggings look like jeans. Not sure if I can pull all this off right now but I am going to keep moving forward. I do have a question...do your eyelashes grow or come in thicker when your on HRT? I hope so   Christy😍

Christy

Christy

 

My Fair Lady

At last week's meeting with Sandy, my voice coach/therapist, she recalled that early in our work together she'd offered to also coach me on feminine poise, mannerisms. Was I still interested? Absolutely! We thus spent a very fun hour working on my walk during which I recalled the line, "The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plain." As with so much in life the differences between how men and women stand and walk are subtle. For some none of this may matter but for me I want the whole package. Here's some of the high points which are admittedly hard to describe in words but I'll try. Women occupy less space than men. They tend to keep their arms and hands near their bodies, don't stretch their arms out on couches and chairs. If there's one thing to remember that's numero uno. When standing (such waiting for a stoplight to change, keep both feet pointing straight forward, ankles touching. It's a bit of a balancing act at first. Stand upright as if there is a string that enters the top of your skull and travels through your body to the floor.  There are several aspects to the walk. It helps to first notice how you walk (if you're a trans woman) "normally." Most men, for example, lead their stride by throwing out their feet/heel to create the momentum to keep moving. The ankles tend to travel further apart and toes are often splayed outward. The overall situation is that men follow their feet. Women, however: Push off their stride with their toes and the torso catches up while the other foot pushes off with its toes. Women's calves then tend to follow their torso.  Shorter, calmer strides than men.  Toes are pointed straight forward, ankles traveling close to each other as the feet glide past. Walk with upright good posture, as if two strings are tied to your clavicle and gently pulling you forward. That's about it. We put about 15' of masking tape on the floor in two stripes about 5-6" apart. Its a good exercise to walk along those tapes, keeping the toes forward. Move forward and backward so as to work on embedding the new walk into your muscle memory.  I'm far from an expert with it but it's fun to be aware of and use.  See you! Emma Update 2/4/18: Last night I went over to a friend's house for dinner and wore shoes with 1 1/2" heels. As I walked around my house, to the car, etc., it became so clear why women walk the way I described. Having heels on shoes makes it quite awkward to walk like a man and naturally encourages walking like a woman. Fun!

Emma

Emma

 

A good day

Today been good day so far. I haven’t had anxiety attack or depression. So that’s good. I decide to paint my nails so I’m feeling good. I don’t no why that guy put that sign in his window. I try not pay attention to thing like that but it was hard to miss it take up the whole window. So I worried about it but nothing happen. Maybe it the same person who put the orange in the yard. But yea this things are scary because I don’t know what they going do and if they stalk me online. It’s not fun and that why I don’t wear the dresses outside. I think I’m going make chicken tonight. 

Kitrah

Kitrah

 

Experiences

sometime I wish my experience wasn’t what it is. It make me uncomfortable and isolated. But it also make me think this way. There so many time I wish I had better life and get to just be who I’m.  So I try fix this. Same puzzle it don’t change and same missing pieces. No matter how many time put together. All I can do is imagine. What this look like. Fill in details and stare at what’s there. I try fit in society. Try live peaceful and not get upset. All I can do try. But when ppl can’t see it, it frustrate me. I get anxiety at times I can’t even get the mail or I just avoid social situation that might upset me.  I feel lost and I no I’m become problem for society. I’m not going have nice things or car or own place. So all I can do is think this isn’t happening. I no inside things r not good but It really hurt my family not there.  I want better life but I can’t see way to go there. That why when time I start see changes. It make me confident. I try to be fixed and have new life cuz this have been the only thing I did for myself. 

Kitrah

Kitrah

 

Time.......

Hello all this is my story......I need to get it out. One of the first memories I have (regarding my gender) is playing in the stair well of the apartment complex which had 3 levels and a wall of glass looking outside. We were making up stories and playing them out by choosing characters and I reallllllllly wanted to be the mermaid. I was 5 years old. Everyone played and we had a lot of fun, girls and boys. We continued to play this way for the summer on and off, but each time we played I wanted to be a female character and sometimes argued with the girls over it. Only one time did I concede the role I wanted to another girl and that was only because the boys started making fun of me. As we played these roles over time the girls started dressing up for their characters and well...I started borrowing their clothes or costumes and I really enjoyed it. I didn't really think any think of it, we were just having fun. That was one of the first memories. The years went bye and I still wanted to be the girl, wearing girl stuff when I could. So, I did. Then the ridicule from others started to gain momentum (boys and girls) so I started keeping thing to myself more & more. I was about 8-9 and I remember sitting in the bathroom for long periods of time wishing I had a vagina and hating my penis. That’s when I learned how to take my boy parts and make them look like girl parts. Always wishing they would just stay that way but they never would. I would lift the testis up in the pockets, push the penis back into my body and pull the scrotum up and over everything. Then shape the scrotum to look like a vagina. It actually looked pretty good and relieved my dysphoria. (although I didn’t know it at the time) That’s when I swiped a pair of pantyhose from the laundry pile and put them on one night after dinner. My mom thought it was cute and allowed me to wear them while we watched TV. I love it!!!! I love the feeling on my skin and the way it made me feel inside. I was just a little closer to being a girl than ever before. I liked it so much that I started wearing my sister’s clothes as well and asking my mom to put make up on me, so she did. After some time that is how I dressed whenever I could and I would sleep in girl clothes if given the opportunity. Then one day that was it…..I was told that this is not appropriate and I could not dress like a girl anymore. I was very upset and didn’t see what the big deal was. I guess someone saw me and then ask my parent about it so they made up some story and put the brakes on all of it. So, they thought……. I just went underground with my dressing and loved it. I would put on my little sister’s gymnastics outfit (leggings & bodysuit) and fall asleep almost every night wishing I would magically turn into a girl the next day. Over and over and over again. I just kept acquiring more things to wear over the years and making sure to hide them well. My dad did kind of catch me once but he didn’t really see what I was doing and we never spoke of it. Whsheww… This went on until I was about 14-15 and then I really started ramping up things. Also on the outside I was a cute boy with lots of girlfriends, I was having a lot of fun in life. I guess I thought this would pass or I would just keep it a secret forever. Nobody needs to know that I like this stuff. Well My mom started working again so I found myself home alone almost everyday for at least 2 hrs. That is when I started dressing all the way. I had just a bit of hair on my legs so I shaved them. I was completely dressed as a girl from shoes to hair & makeup. I would do this every chance I could, keeping it very very quite. Until one day I just had to go out into the world and I wasn’t even aware why I felt this way. I just had to do it. So I went out to get the mail and came back in. It was so exciting and I thought that even if someone saw me they would never know it was ME. Well someone did see me and asked my mom about it and then…she asked me. Soooo, I lied my way around that one as well, I felt terrible, ashamed and scared. So back in the closet again little girl…away with you. I was really good at sports and decided to focus all my attention on that as well as girls. (I just loved the girls so cute) I had to ask myself if I was gay or not…but if I liked girls and not boys (sexually) what the hell is going on. This must be a phase or something. More time goes by and I never spot dressing in female clothes when I want to or when I can. All the time seemingly living a great cismale life. Sports, Collage, Social, etc. Then while I was working as a part time personal trainer some friends decided to move out to LA. One of the guys going backed out and they asked me. I said yes and pack up my stuff. At the age of 20 I found myself in a whole new world that was exciting and scary. I won’t go into the details but I started wearing female underwear and well you get it. Still hiding. I made the decision that there is nothing weird about it and lots of rockers were wearing makeup. That is when I started to transition and it felt really great until my friends started questioning me and at other times making fun of the LBGT community. I was freaking out and instead of going forward I went the other way. I became super fit and shaped my body into something I could be proud of. I was trying to over compensate for the way I felt and I continued this for 15yrs.………Damnn. So now I have a wife and kids and time is not on my side. I thought many times that I will take it to the grave and years passed by. But it is always there. I have even come close to death a couple of times by trying to drink this away but…..nope. So, this past holiday season came to an end and I made the decision to move forward no matter what. The crazy thing is that after truly making this decision I have a sense of calm come over me. I am happier. I know there are going to be ups and downs but that is how life is, transgender or not. It has been a little over a month on herbals and only couple of days on HRT. I have noticed many small changes from my breasts, skin, hair, butt etc. and they feel correct. Well that is all I have time for now but I will be updating this blog on a regular basis. Thanks so much and remember live,love,Learn Christy

Christy

Christy

 

stalkers

My mind never same. Ever since was stalked, my mind never open same way. im on alert alway looking for danger and try to make sure my ex who online dont know where im at or what i doing. almost 10 year of this now and when she thinking she going get in trouble now she just recruit her unerage daughter do it for her. things get quiet and then find myself want to share things and i cant. some ppl cant deal with u say no to them its just game me play hard to get. whatev. it terrorise me. im scared. it not fun. i cant go out. not my fault u life so bad but u have destroy me mental. my confidence in myself gone. your fake account and ex friend u use.. make sure i get nothing or no one. everone like just forget about it forget about u. but i no u still watching. u dont want no one have me. just say what u want make all them leave. so many time i wish u will go to prison. so many time i wish u will go to far. i cant have social media without u mess w it. thing so bad u do that fbi have to go see u. u just lie like u alway do. now when strange thing happen, ur the one im seeing. u all use me and my secret keep me do what u want but u break me. force me be girl im not ready be. say your not going tell no one. fuck u. now everone no. but i going get fix. im not prise u get to keep for being bad. u dont get have me. im not for u. im happy forget to no u. just let me go.

Kitrah

Kitrah

 

Socializing

I attended my first "Chamber Chat" s yesterday morning. I was held at a local Jewish Center for disabled children, and about 40 people showed up--a decent number in my estimation. As expected, everyone was very friendly and welcoming, and I was able to visit at some length with at least six. I did meet a few more in passing. This is just one of the events that take place o a monthly basis, and I think it will not only eventually be good for my business, I think it will be good for me personally to be a little more social. On the suggestion of one of my fellow agents, I have been reading Endless Referrals by Bob Burg where I got the idea to join the Chamber in the first place. His approach is very low-key. Be interested in the other person and let them do the talking. Then follow up with a personalized thank you note which offers to refer business their way as able. I think this is the rapport building phase. It will take time, but I enjoyed the gathering. BTW, one of the members gave a tour of their facility. JAFCO is doing amazing work with disabled children and their families. I was impressed. On the other hand, my neighbor, Chris, invited me over tonight as I was out walking my dogs. He does invite me from time to time, and I was tempted to stop in for a few minutes. But it turned out to be a HUGE gathering, and I chickened out at the last minute. I am not feeling that great tonight, and besides, I think I would be a little overwhelmed and out of place. I don't think I'll be missed. And with that, I am going to take my two puppies and go to bed. And to all a good night!

MichelleLea

MichelleLea

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