Emma

Dear Lisa, I do wish you the very best with your wife. No doubt your decision will be hard for her and therefore, for you as well. The main advice I've heard is to try to be as patient and understanding as you can be with her. After all, your gender concerns and thoughts have been with you (probably in lots of forms and worries) for most of your life. She needs time and support to process all of this. Hugs for you both, Emma

Dear Monica, I agree with you 100%. Take the high road, be an example of one who doesn't ger dragged into the gutter with the pigs. By doing this people see them for what they are. Emma

Dear Lisa, I feel saddened myself to hear your story. I wish I could take it all away but we know that it is almost to be expected and dealt with. But that doesn't make it any easier. Here you have friends that support you always, no matter what. Pound out your frustrations and hurts onto your keyboard. Try to let it go. But overall you must be careful. There are hateful people out there who might do you harm. I know you know that but it needed to be said. I wish you the very best and a wonderful weekend too. And my condolences for the loss of Lauren. I'll bet you would love to be able to cry on her shoulder now. Hugs and hugs, Emma

Michael, Reading this I feel we were on parallel universes. I think we're the same age (vintage?). I also watched TV dreaming of being its star. Shows like The Girl From U.N.C.L.E., That Girl, Batgirl, and embarrassed to admit it, The Flying Nun. And let's not forget Emma Peale in The Avengers! I watched these shows, wondering, wishing, and of course no one knew what was going on in my head... I also at times wish I'd been more brave or committed to coming out to myself so many years ago, accepting and loving myself. I think I did the best I could, navigating my feelings, playing the cards I was dealt. There are so many resources available today that simply were not around back then. In those days I worried I was more in the "sick" camp, as I new I was hetero and considerations of following in Christine Jorgenson's shoes didn't appeal to me although I thought a lot about it. So I did what any "normal" person would do: I hid it, buried it, purged, and built a box for me and my secret. And my depression deepened. For some crazy reason I didn't understand why! But that's the bad news. These days the road of my journey still has potholes and I don't know where it's headed. But at least I'm moving in a more positive direction. Emma

Hi Warren, While I am also puzzled about "how" we become transgender, the effects of improper timing/amounts of hormones in the womb and all, the gender therapist I'm seeing (who has >40 years experience!) is confident that the number of MTF transwomen and FTM transmen is the same. She says that transmen are under-reported due to things like it's easier (more socially acceptable) for a transman to crossdress in masculine clothing which can mitigate their need for more expression or bodily changes. Not that that affects you but I thought you'd find it interesting. Hugs, Emma

I love your dream, Pamela. It's exciting and fun to think about. Keep dreaming and let us know more. I also hope you're feeling better.

Hi Jenny, I'm a believer that God doesn't make mistakes, loves his creations, and we're all created in his image. Like all of us, you're in that boat too. He (and we) loves you. A larger challenge is dealing with friends and family here where we live. I'd say you're doing remarkably here too. I hope that someday you do receive your sight. But regardless, your feelings are not a matter of your growing up, straightening up, or whatever. They don't go away. And you're beautiful the way you are. Emma

Good for you, Melody. Very good to hear. You have true friends here, too.

Oh Eve, I'm so sorry. I wasn't sure if I should click the "Like This" button because of course I do not like what you experienced, but I selected it to show my support of you. You stood up for yourself, good for you. What else can you do, I wonder. Perhaps that's a question to ask those people if it happens again, "What would you do if you were in my shoes?" Good luck, Emma

I agree with Karen, you look terrific. If you really want to gain weight, eat carbs, like bread, pasta, rice... All that stuff will "help" but long term it's really sugar, which may create havoc with your insulin and blood sugar. I think you're better off letting nature take its course. If you're thin, you're thin! Many would be totally envious... :-) I'm 5' 8 1/2" and am now stable and happy at 155 lbs. it's not easy but with practice it's not that hard either. We eat meat/fish/poultry with salads and veggies. Popcorn and wine for dessert. :-) in moderation of course. The most important thing is to stay healthy and exercise. Health is one of those things too easy to take for granted until it's a problem. You do look great. Enjoy it! You deserve it. Emma

Hey Karen, great advice, many thanks! I'll be sure to pick some up. Emma

Hi Eve, I know it does sound like a lot of therapists. For me there is really only one, that I see 1:1 and also for couple's meetings with my wife. The support group I attend is led by a gender therapist that I've seen 1:1 once and will probably do so again but there is no plan for it right now. I have had a lot of depression in my life and seen a lot of therapists, read a lot of books, done a lot of soul-searching, as well as various intoxicants mostly when I was younger. At the root I think is coming to terms with my transgender. I kind of needed to figure out where it came from and what it means. And overarching shame has made it difficult to dive into details with anyone, therapist or not. No, therapists here in the US do not (or at least should not) tell us how to feel or do anything. They are mostly a sounding board, a trusted mentor, and while we become friends of sorts they need to maintain a distance that allows them to be objective. When I first started to see therapists (about 30 years ago) they pretty much just listened, which sucked, because I needed someone to help draw out stuff and provide thoughts. Over the last decade (I think) this protocol has changed to where they are okay with providing commentary, which I greatly need and appreciate. Last, yes, there is a Trans place I can go about 40 minutes from my home. It's okay but I'm deciding how comfortable I feel there. I've been there a few times and I have mixed feelings. The proprietor is wonderful but some of the others? Well... Same age, huh? We could be sisters! :-) Emma

Hi Monica, Actually I'm not complaining about my feet at all! I feel lucky that they are roughly 11M as this was the largest size listed for my shoes. Hugs, Emma

You look lovely the way you are!

It's a wonderful day, today. My wife is away this morning on business and while I miss her I have the opportunity to be myself for a couple of hours. After my shower I dressed with some feminine underthings (well concealed by layers of more masculine apparel) and headed out to our regular Sunday haunts, the coffee shop in Palo Alto, Trader Joe's, and the farmer's market, where I picked up long-stemmed tulips, a couple of heads of lettuce, some fresh asparagus, and cauliflower. Now, I'm at my computer, having changed into my dress, and listening to a Karla Bonoff "best of" album. Life feels pretty good at the moment. Later today I'll head back out to buy some fish for tonight's dinner, and after, we'll dive back into a couple of episodes of House of Cards and a rather large bowl of popcorn. This week will definitely be interesting. On Wednesday evening we have a couple's meeting with my therapist. Thinking about it now I'm a bit apprehensive but I think it will be okay. Thursday afternoon I have a 1:1 meeting with the same therapist. He asked me to bring my small collection of female clothing, which I plan to do. We didn't talk about what the goal is but I assume that by doing that I'll further see through experience that I am really okay. On Thursday evening I will attend the monthly TG support group. Last week I bought some black ballet flats on Amazon which actually fit! (I did a fair amount of research into foot measurements, and took an educated guess of my size which turned out to be 11M. Here's a funny aside: I measured my left foot's length and width to determine the size; I learned later when I received the shoes that my right foot is slightly larger. It still fits okay but I'm trying to stretch it a little with a shoe tree.) For the meeting I plan on wearing some black tights under my jeans and then change into my ballet flats nearby, for the meeting and dinner afterward. They say we should take baby steps and I know by many measures these are indeed small steps. It's great to have something to look forward to. Have a nice week! Emma * Illustration from Once Upon an Alphabet by Oliver Jeffers

Haha! Good for you Karen, all engines forward toward a wonderful now and future. You've earned it. Emma

Hi Rae, Like you, I'm fairly certain I'd be a lesbian, and proud of it. You're a lucky gal to have found a kindred spirit to join up with! I also share your wondering about when or if my thinking will change from "I wish I was female" to "I am, and then need to decide if or when I will transition my body to match my gender. Recently I am wondering if the gender in our brain is as binary as our sex (at least for most of us). I guess it isn't because otherwise transgender wouldn't be defined as much as an "umbrella of diversity" to a bar-chart distribution of gender/sex/sex-preference. Hope you are having a wonderful Saturday evening, Emma

Hi Lisa, I'm so happy to read that you found this helpful. I really did too and love the opportunity to share it. Writing like this helps me as well. For example I emailed this to my therapist and brought a hard copy for my meeting with him today. So many details to try to remember and keep sorted! Like the minutes of a meeting I use these as an extension of my memory. :-) I'm glad to hear that you're also availing yourself of therapy. I'd be way too impatient to only go once/month but I imagine you're busy. My therapist and I are like friends, in some ways. For me, his office is the only place in the world where I can just be Emma. Such a relief, isn't it? Makes me happy and I look forward to next Thursdays meeting. Hugs, Emma

Monica, I will give this a good try, at least a few times, and see how I feel and what I can report. Thank you for this idea. I don't really look at myself in the mirror. It's not out of disgust or anything, I guess I'm just not interested. So I'm looking forward to this experiment! Emma

Dear Lisa, Welcome back! We've missed you. I like what you wrote here but I am always on edge when someone says they need to be "perfect." I can tell from how you write that you know this but please be careful... Perfect is aiming for something that is not only unattainable it's also undefined, and leads to list of stress and worry and fretting. Just be careful, be Lisa (at least inside) and I'm confident you'll be fine. Better than fine, in fact. Hugs, Emma

Hey Michele, Good to hear from you and I wish you a happy birthday although I know you're looking forward to tomorrow since it will no longer be your birthday. Wow, to be 35 again. I'll be 59 this year and you're so far ahead of me in your trans journey. I wish you the very best! Hugs, Emma

Well said, Karen. So true for pretty much everything in our lives. Emma

Good for you, Karen! I'm having a good day, too. Heading over to a friend's this evening for a monthly dinner.

The last couple of months have been very difficult as I've further embarked on my transgender journey and suffered along with my wife who has been very upset by my revelations. I'm happy to say that for the last week or so things have been so much better. What do I attribute this to? They say "A happy wife is a happy life," and although I'll bet she'd deny it (hopefully not too emphatically) I can tell that she's feeling a bit better. Not 100% but in the right direction. I believe it's due to: a) Time: as time progresses she sees that I am still the same person that she fell in love with. Yes, with a new wrinkle but it's me nonetheless. I don't know exactly what the gender therapist and she discussed, but I know the therapist pretty well now and I think she provided some much needed expert assurance. It was so helpful to have a couple's therapy session where we were able to talk without the baggage of negative emotions. She asked questions and I did my best to answer, and we were okay with that, and even went out for a glass of wine afterward. There are more questions no doubt but we'll cross those bridges later. I am very fortunate to have the therapist whom I see 1:1 and for couple's meetings. He provides such wisdom and support, objectively and kindly. Thank goodness for him. I'm also very fortunate to have found the gender therapist, having met with her privately and in her group. I think I'm starting to "get it" and it's okay. And last but not least, it's TG Guide and the community I'm proud to be a part of. I know that we will still hit rough spots and that there will be challenges, some that may seem unbearable when reached. I hope that by writing this I'll have something to look back on to remind me of the good times. Hugs, Emma

Hi Eve, I tried to find your blog entry regarding your telling your wife but didn't find it. I looked through a couple but not all so maybe I missed it. I agree with taking it slowly. A couple of months ago I was in a frenzy as I assumed that I had to come to some serious conclusions soon or else my wife might split up from me. Even though she told me that she'd give it a year or so I didn't trust her. I also felt that it would help her if I was able to quickly report "progress." Not really! My quick reports caused a lot of grief, or at least they triggered them. Since then I've taken it a day at a time. And last weekend even though we drove about three hours in each direction to a friends house, we didn't talk about anything related to transgender or what's going on with me. I think that was good as we both needed a breather. At the gender therapists meeting I mentioned that I'd once had a desire to go to a service in Seattle that offers a complete Crossdressing experience for 2-3 days but that my interest had waned. She seemed to encourage me to rethink this but didn't press the point. Last night I was thinking that yes, I may very well go later this year but right now is not the right time especially for my wife. I'm so happy for you that you are able to make your transition and to stay with your wife. The best of both worlds, I'm sure. Hugs to you too, Emma