Featured Entries

  • Transgender Bloggers Wanted: Share Your Journey

    By Lori

    Create your own blog at It's FREE and you can start right now. Some people blog as a sort of journal to share our thoughts, feelings, experiences and insights. Others blog to express opinions on social and political issues. Others blog to share their knowledge and experience with others. Go ahead. Express yourself! Others may be grappling with issues you blog about and your words could provide useful insight or answers. Here are some blog topic ideas to get your creative juices flowing; A daily journal about your life and experiences
    A journal documenting when you go full time
    A journal to document your gender reassignment surgery
    Dating experiences and tips
    Crossdressing tips
    Experience with makeup
    Passing in public
    Your experiences when you go out in public
    Restroom experiences
    Transitioning at work
    Dealing with counselors or medical personnel
    Introspection about your particular gender identity
    Dealing with or overcoming self-limiting beliefs
    Dealing with addictions
    Dealing with self-destructive behaviors
    Interactions with police or government workers
    Changing your drivers license, birth certificate, etc.
    Applying for jobs
    Your big day, when you go full time
    Hormonal development (please don't discuss dosages or make medical type recommendations)
    Experiences with electrolysis
    How other members of your new gender react to you, and your experiences
    Your recommendations to others about to follow your path
    Your thoughts about whether surgery is necessary to be your desired gender
    Differences in how you feel dressed or not dressed
    What your life would be like if you still repressed your inner identity
    Poetry or prose
    These are a few ideas to get you started. Feel free to leave comments to suggest your own ideas, or just start a blog and share with everyone. Just log into your control panel to start your own blog. This could be interesting!

Our community blogs

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    I am just going to start with today’s events I have a whole lot that I need to do with the blog entries that I’ve made and yet put in. Starting with today, my day started out normal. My morning started with having to wait for my daughter’s boyfriend to bring his truck so I could move a utility trailer out of my front yard and thereby fall in conformance with land-use standards set forth here in Manatee County Florida. In the meantime I picked up the yard because the lawnmower man had arrived to do his weekly cutting. Shortly after he arrived I called my daughter, raised cain because her boyfriend wasn’t here, and as soon as I hung up with her and stepped out the door lo and behold who should arrive. The boyfriend. So he hooked up to the trailer, scooted it over to the east side of the house were we got it in the back were Manatee County can’t complain about it. I then got cleaned up and took my good-natured time getting my girl on. After doing the makeup which I think turned out rather well I picked out my outfit for today which is a light brown skirt a light brown Cammy, and a light brown jacket topped off by a dark brown neck scarf. I changed all my purse nature I had my money and my credit cards and out the door I went. I had a 4 PM appointment at GiGi’s nail salon with a Vietnamese sweetheart who’s never seen me dressed before but has worked on me twice. On arrival there I walked in the door and you could just see the surprised look on Helen’s face. She was finishing up another customer so I had to sit and look through Cosmopolitan Magazine without my real glasses on. Helen I spent the next 45 minutes, which for me was pure bliss because of the fact that none of the ladies that were in the shop took any notice of me other than the fact that I was another lady in there. Helen again complimented me on how good I looked as she continued to work on my nails. Once she completed the nails I paid my bill and and left my customary tip. The nicest thing about this trip was being in a shop full of ladies and never been recognized as anything but another lady getting her nails done. Helen also said have a good time tonight. From GG’s it was off to the house I had a feed the dogs let them out make sure that they were taking care of. Now it’s off the Sam’s Club right that some shopping to do and the gas tank fill up. I have a flight up north tomorrow and I’m contemplating flying “En Femme”. I just need to figure out how I can get to the airport without taking my car or having to have one of the family drive me there. That’s it for now I’ll let you know what else occurs tonight.

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    Michel hereNever knowing if I shouldnt fight for my rights or if I should be a helpless damsel in distress. But I could never even give the perception of being helpless. Foolish at times, but not helpless.Got 9 more days on the lower level of hormones, and then the new beginnings will come on a higher level. Hope that the increase would give me the better part of not getting anymore migraines.I'm currently in that funk of solidarity. Yes, the 8 day migraine made me want to be left alone as it had the probability of 85% that I would end up with the pain dulling my senses by taking away my vision, which would end in me either having to sleep over or hoping that I get home safely.On a lighter note, seeing that I dont have anyone to play with or satisfying me. I now need to play with my own breast, yes my own boobs because I scare the crap out of men! How can a 5'8, 125Lbs female be scary. Okay Cynthia Rothrock is shorter and lighter and oh so scary if people know that she is a capable, more than capable of kicking the mens behinds without to much struggle.Now who wouldnt want to love my flat stomach. Do I care if my prime real estate isnt being picked up by any guys that view me as a good possibility. But I dont want another woman's man. As happiness cant be built on someone elses misery.

  1. Lactation

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    Lactation for me has always been like a dream, an unattainable dream, something that can be found on the internet, you tube, but I believed it couldn't happen, especially not to me. I was not able to believe, Friday, June 13, 2014. year since I started hormones and here it is. It was a special moment for me and I was happy, but the feeling soon began to fade. How much more I can stay happy with myself. So a special moment, and I do not have anyone to share it. Even talk about it. How would that anyone could understand, when you live in a third world country. How much can I be happy in hiding?

    I only know that when I look down to my chest I know I'm one step closer to femininity, and that must be enough.

    :) :) :) :) :) I am happy :):) :) :) :)

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    ok so I'm 67 years olds .Biologically male really a woman . Have never done anything g about it fear social pressure who knows .Seems a bit late for a sex change or even hormone treatments but I need to do something .Anyone else out there is this kind of situation ? Thoughts? Ideas? suggestions welcome

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    Hi Everyone. My name is Barbara Michelle and I have just joined this site. I live in New York State and am looking forward to making some new friends.

  2. Long time no chat. Yeah I been up to a few things in my year absence from the site. Just a little busy. But I wanted to drop in see how things are going do a quick shout out and in the next few weeks (when I find the time I will do a more filling fill in on what has been going on in my life. Much good and some bad. So here is what my last year has had me up to.

    A new comic series

    Demon Blade

    A new novel

    11 Kingdoms

    A new Novelette series

    Gloria's Gospel

    and returning yet altering Path of the Butterflies from just a pdf guide to a intended monthly topic discussion blog.

    Path of the Butterflies: A guide for Transgender individuals, friends and family

    Please drop on by the blog share ether publicly or if you want to share your opinions privately or just chew me out you can email me from the blog.

    I promise next post will be sooner and less self promotional based.

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    Don 't know a thing about blogging but here goes. I was diagnosed with gender dysphoria when I was 19. Started hormones at that time Shortly there after could no longer afford. That was over 30 years ago. Now starting again back on hormones and trying to find a place to get electrolysis done. Finally like myself and although it's a long journey at least I'm getting started.

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    well we have been in michagin a week now and it has been very interesting to say the least, went to church for the first time in years and participated in ash wendsday, the people there were 90% lgbt and it was amazing to sit there as myself and feel normal and welcome, I have made a lot of friends and even been complimented on how nice I look and not in the room but literally out on the street by strangers, people totally except me as a women and a friend, never have I seen anyplace so excepting and loving, my children are totally loving this place and want to stay my wife is amazed at how excepted we are right from day one, and people even want me as me not as the lie I was born into. if there is anyplace I felt more at home, I do not recall it. for the first time in my life I feel normal and believe me that is a wonderful feeling, for all of my brothers and sisters in the world struggling with lgbt issues god n goddess bless and for those who feel this kind of love and exceptance plz know how lucky you are, so many are still abused and insulted and harassed just trying to be normal and live happy. sends a blessing to all those who struggle daily and hopes they find happiness that I have known this week.......... as ever Summer

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    I couldn't sleep last night, so I wrote a song, I'm going to post the lyrics, hope you like it :) I would love feedback, positive or negative :)


    Verse 1:

    Hide behind

    such a faux façade

    Do you know who you are?

    Have we pretend too long?

    Should I hide my face?

    Am I a big disgrace?

    Why should I conform

    to just fit in?

    I hurt no one

    I cause no harm

    I’m just trying to be

    who I know I am

    You’re so lucky

    that you get to be

    the person that you see

    in your reflection


    but I must wait

    to set myself free

    Chorus 1:

    Why do I have to prove

    who I am inside?

    Is it my destiny

    to hurt eternally?

    Do you know what I go through

    just to live my life?

    To feel the emptiness

    of a thousand lies

    I hate this

    Living like a misfit

    Verse 2:

    I’m here to stay

    I won’t go away

    I’m not going to change

    I’m not going to hate

    Myself anymore

    I’m tired of the pain

    If you can’t handle this

    just walk away


    Chorus 1

    Verse 3:

    Such a heavy hand

    I must detach it

    and relinquish

    all the hate for myself

    Chorus 1 (sans 3rd stanza)

    Chorus 2:

    What’s it worth to you

    to make me feel ashamed?

    Do you sleep well at night

    knowing you cause pain?

    Using hollow words

    and spiteful lies

    that we’re not beautiful

    in God’s eye

    and I love this

    proud to be a misfit

  3. Our first eating of GSA, I had everyone go around the room and introduce themselves. Your name, Major, Preferred Gender Pronoun and why they came to GSA.

    So I would say

    "Hey, My name’s Tyler, I’m your president.

    My Major is Education.

    My Preferred Gender Pronoun is He, His, and Him

    and I came to GSA originally, because i needed to get to know people like me, but now I’m here to lead and teach you and the community around us.”

    Apparently in the last… oh let me say 30 meetings she totally forgot that i was trans and when i came in and shared that i was so happy i got a new binder, she questioned…

    "Why are you excited about a book?"

    "it’s not a book…. It’s a tank top… thing that makes my chest look more flat."

    "but why would you want that?" She asks….

    I told her, “It makes me more confident when I look in the mirror and think I see a boy, with no chest, baggy shirts, and no swag. It makes me happy”

    "Can’t you just get a breast reduction?" she asks, confused.

    "I mean… a reduction totally. But I Don’t just want them reduced. I…. just want them not there, at all. When i look in the mirror before I have to take a shower, Inearly cry. So I started covering my bathroom mirror with a towel just so I don’t have to look.”

    "But why?"

    "……Everytime I think of myself in the future, I think of a man. Married to a woman with a beautiful personality….."

    She cuts me off “but you are beautiful…. Why do you need to change yourself?”

    Who do you think I am in this equation?”

    "The woman?"

    I gave her a look. I had just gone over this a week before. I’m not doing transgender 101 again this semester.

  4. Latest Entry

    a lot of things have been going on I have finally gotten to the end of the trial what's my former lover at shop at 12 times I'm involved with another man I'm bettering myself and no longer living as a victim I'm beginning to live more as a survivor I pray everyday and throughout the day that God lead guides and protects me

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    I had always been glad to have the parents that I do. My mother has some problems with showing that she cares, but I know it could be so much worse then it is.

    On the other hand my father is such a great person. He grew up with a stay-at-home mother and a father in the Air Force. Their family is very conservitive and went to church on a weekly basis without fail. We've notice the hypocrisy that's come from our family.

    My father has been so supportive of me. I'm very lucky to have someone like him in my life.

    I've been pushing my luck though by having fits of dysphoria. Then I regret saying something that would make them feel bad.

    But I do love them and I do recognize that I'm lucky to have supportive parents.


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    with the cold wether and other things sorry i have been adding any thing but still i am ok

    and getting ready for anther long yukon winter..........

  5. When I wrote and posted "My journey into gender fluidity (part 2) I expected to be posting Part 3 fairly soon. As it is, I'm finding it quite hard to write.

    As I've said, these days I'm quite happy and content in my gender fluid identity but my journey here was difficult at times. I want and need to write about that journey but doing so, especially when writing about my early flirtations with "feeling like a girl", evokes memories of the transgressiveness, guilt and shame that I felt at the time. This was partly because I knew instinctively that what I was doing would be disapproved of deeply by my parents and the outside world in general.

    It was also because I didn't really understand what I was doing. I knew I didn't want to actually be a girl but the need to physically "become" a girl for an hour or two was quite compulsive. It felt like it was a need that was hard to control. I didn't want to stop doing it but I also felt that it would be hard to do so even if I did.

    I'm wondering if other young people experiencing gender ambivalence also felt this compulsiveness to explore the "other side".

    Well, part 3 is nearly complete after many rewrites. I hope to be posting it soon.

    Meanwhile, I've just posted another message on the "Why Do I cross dress?" thread on the MtoF cross dressers board. It's delving a bit deeper into how cross dressing functions for me as a biologically male but gender fluid person.

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    Welcome to the wonderful world of my life. I hope you are sat comfortably. Please make sure your seats are in an upright position, tray tables are folded away and please keep your arm inside the vehicle at all times. If you scream, it means you want to go faster!!!

    This is my first blog on here, so a little about myself. I'm Amy, I'm 32, a transgender female. I have come out to my friends and family. My friends are amazing and supportive. My parents are supportive but I think struggle a bit. My eldest brother is great. My sister and other older brother haven't spoken to me since I told them. I'm the youngest in the family.

    Right now i'm unemployed. I was working at a veterinary practice but after I told them I was trans and wanted to transition, life there got very difficult. I do have an interview for an assistant job at Toni&Guy on thursday, so hopefully I can get that and move out on my own again. I am wanting a job where I can work my way up and grow as a person, in an accepting environment.

    I'm not female full time yet out of respect for my family but when I move out, then I will be. I am waiting for a date of my first appointment at the Laurels gender clinic in Exeter. I have got the funding, so just waiting for a date. They said possibly september.

    Well thats me in a nutshell. Hope you are all well and drop me a line if you fancy a chat or a new friend.

    Peace and Love xx

  6. I can hardly believe that August has come around so soon and wow, things have so moved on.

    My personal relationship with my beautiful partner Ruth has recently reached the maturity of two years engaged and it feels so good to have that special person in my life.

    I got made redundant again in February as the company re-structured and no longer needed my position. As it happens I was about to quit anyway since I had made plans to move to the North of England and come April that has happened. I now live in Bradford within the beautiful county of West Yorkshire, England.

    I own my own house, no mortgage/rent to pay and without that financial load on me I am attempting to work for myself, another major change in my life.

    Happy :D


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    Silence – sometimes a blessing, sometimes a detriment. I often wonder if I’ve yet to define which it is to me. It is a negative friend I have bonded with through my own choice. No one actually forced me to be silent, I allowed it to be. I can’t even begin to express the years that I remained silent while inside of me was screaming to be born; to be free; to be happy, only to be denied because of my fears of rejection by family, friends and co-workers. There were times when I let those fears fester to the point where I began questioning myself as to whether or not I was some kind of freak of nature. The numerous nights I spent alone crying until there were no more tears to shed. Even now, I hesitate to be my true self at times and suffer the guilt for not having the courage to open up and blossom. To let go and be the woman I truly am in every cell of my body; in every beat of my heart; in every waking thought; in every moment.

    Questions pop into my mind — How much longer are you going to let everyone else dictate your happiness?; How many more years are you going to hide behind the veil of cowardice and live in loneliness and misery?; How many more hours are you going to waste pondering the “what if’s” of yesteryear? Yet, in spite of the questions and knowledge of knowing that my inaction will only cause sorrow, I still embrace that silence.

    Now comes the reality that at age 63, I don’t know how many years I have left and that if I don’t begin to live my life, truly live my life as it should be, I will die physically as I have died a thousand times over in my heart. Adrift in an ocean of a society that is discriminatory by nature; cold and hurtful by ignorance and hate; and blinded by the need to force their views and beliefs on others through verbal or physical attacks, I desperately search for a lifeline, a lifesaver to pull me to safety.

    What scares me the most is my inability to ascertain whether I can break my lifelong habits of silence when that lifeline comes along. Right now, the transgender group I have joined is that lifeline and I find myself thrashing, clawing and reaching with every essence of my being to grasp hold of it while still clinging to the safety of the silence I have made friends with, reluctant friends for sure, but nevertheless, friends.

    I will frequent this page, undoubtedly cry again and again, but for sure, I will find the strength in it to overcome the silence, one step at a time. I need to or forever be bound to a broken heart.

    Now, more so than ever before, I realize through reading and listening to the news that the pain I have endured and still endure has been shared by so many before me. It is helping me to cope and it is my sincerest hope that in some small way I too will serve to help those who are younger and struggling with the same silence and fears, that they may take the steps to reach out and touch base with those who really care as it may just make the difference between having a sad life or a happy one. Life is too precious to squander away as I have so learned — the hard way.

  7. Civilisation is a beautiful creation of man kind. It has given us culture bigger than the world we see and it has educated us and made us a refine and sophisticated individuals. Civilisation has also educated us and has become an authority that had given us a clear code of what is good and what is right. Unfortunately, most of the things that do not conform to how the acceptable majority are considered to be bad. To be different in our civilised society is a very challenging existence. Everyday, we encounter events where we are stigmatised and marginalised even humiliated.

    I have noticed however based on my first hand experiences that those guys who bully me or those who are very outspoken on their hate both verbally and physically are those guys who actually who finds people like us desirable. Hate and love are almost in one sphere. We cannot hate so intensely a person we do not love and vice versa. How true is it that the more they hate us, the more they desire us? Why do they show remorse towards ladyboys, while we are just minding our own business? And if it is true that what they actually feel for us is more a desire than hate, why show us hate then? Are they afraid to admit the fact that they find us attractive and would love to be intimate with us? Are they afraid to be stigmatised by the society when they have an association with us? Does civilisation had deprived us to be truly true to ourselves, our feelings and our community?

    Allow me to invite you to visit my blog entry as I try to deal with this very difficult questions of our existence vis-a-vis the society we live in. Please click this link: for the article on my blog at LADYBOY MIRROR.

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    Hello, Trans Community!

    My name is Plenya Lyze (just call me 'Nia') and I'm grateful to find this forum to share my journey! As a self-proclaimed 'Trans Cougar,' I represent the more mature members of the Trans World! All I'll claim is that I'm 40+, a woman never reveals her real age! It's just that I'm not a kid; and although I've spent time throughout my life exploring my female (or authentic) side, it's only been in the last two years that I've been able to embrace my authentic self, and commit to change my life path to more honestly reflect what I've always felt - my female, feminine side is when I am most authentic, and most happy!

    I have a number of ideas about transitioning; I now realize that each Trans individual's journey is unique and singular. I have loved the last two years since I've embraced and committed myself to making my transition real. For an older Trans woman, I'm playing catch up, but I can definitely see my golden years as a sexy, funny woman embracing the world!

    Since starting my journey in earnest, I've thought a lot about what challenges and hurdles I'll have to overcome to live my life 24/7 as female. I started female hormones in October 2012. In the last eight months I'm happy to report that my breast growth is coming along very well. When I was a kid, I was embarrassed that I had visible, female looking young breasts; my only regret is that I didn't grow up in a time like today. If i had had understanding parents, I could have embraced my feelings of always wanting to be a girl; playing with dolls, having girl friends, and just my interest and identification with all things female. When I grew up, however, my family did their best to stifle any expression of these feelings, and often resorted to humiliation and emotional and verbal abuse to try to get me to stop how I really felt inside. I'm happy to have lived long enough to realize that now is the time for me to transition to my authentic, female self, and to hell with what people think!

    I have some dreams I hope to become realities, as I search for a way to transition and be able to live and work as a female. I've read the stats, and I know how hard this journey will be. But you know what? I'm now ready, willing and able to make these dreams come true, and I'm eager to find friends to share this journey with and find acceptance and encouragement along the way.

    Thank all of you for your fearlessness; I hope to tap into that reservoir of strength and determination to make it happen.

    xoxo Nia

  8. In this post to my blog I am really interested in knowing what questions ran through a spouse's mind or that they asked out loud within the first month or two after their spouse came out to them and informed them of their being transgender or transsexual.  Rest assure that I can pretty much guarantee you that if you had/have a question them someone else has had it before you and someone else in the future will also have it after you.  From the questions that spouses/significant others of transsexuals or a transgender person post as comments to this entry, I will research to find as much information relative to and really do hope I can find the answers to them for you as well as well. If  anyone would like to comment on someone else's comment, I have no objection as long as it is a respectful and helpful comment.  Example Question:  Did I do something to cause my spouse/significant other to identify and transition to the same gender as me??? 

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    First off, Mothers Day.

    Happy Mothers Day to my wonderful mom. I have no idea how I would have made to now without her. I love her so much and with all my heart. She is my hero.

    No. It has no always been easy. The last few months have been a great example of that. Some would think I broke my mother's heart with my decision to transition. But I think it would have broken her heart more to lose me to the deep depression I was headed for. Because who know where that would have taken me. I was headed for a dark place. I had to tell my parents. I had to tell them what was going on with me. Simply because they are a part of my life. The last thing I wanted was to hid what I was doing from them, then to show up looking totally different.

    I have been watching videos and reading articles about trans men And how they grew up and the feelings they had. It sounds so familiar. I felt the same thing. I thought the same thing. I sent a video to Mom. I hope she watches it. And it helps her understand that this is something I have to do. That the feelings I have are nothing new and I am not the only who feels this way. And it also showed his Mom coming to terms with it. All I can do is hope it helps her. That it helps her accept me a little more.

    Another thing on my mind.

    The discrimination I feel from some members of the LGBT community. Not any of my friends. Those people of been more the accepting and understanding and very very supportive. I am talking about some "family" I have met since. The looks, the questions, the exclusion I feel. From the butch lesbians, it is like "How dare you desert us?!?" And from the femmes out there, it more of "Another one bites the dust.". I didn't realize that the gay world was just as closed minded as the straight world. And I feel very disappointed about it. Heart broken really. I spent most of my life being discriminated against because I was a tom boy growing up. "Why can't you be more like a girl?" Then coming out as a lesbian, "Why can't you be straight?" and, "Why would you chose to be gay?" Now as a trans gender man, and being a straight man at that, I feel that the struggle to fit in and belong to a community is starting all over again. I feel like an outsider in the community that is supposed to be about acceptance and tolerance. LGBT does stand for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual AND Transgender.

    It makes me wonder if I will ever find my place. Find my community. Or will I always be looking and searching for the acceptance I am desperately seeking? I don't announce myself to new people as trans gender. I just introduce myself as Dustin. Since that is my name after all. I see the looks I get from people. I "see"the questions. The standoffishness. (Is that a word?) Of course, it doesn't help that some at my place of employment, say "she" with obvious emphasis. Just to make sure the confusion goes deeper. I think I have to insist on being called "he". I honestly thought it wouldn't bother me that much but it does. I can live with being called my old name. I am treating it more like a nick name at this point. Most people are doing pretty good with correcting themselves so it's good. I don't want to be an asshole about it all but I do want that level of respect that everyone deserves. I really feel that once I have surgery, the looks will change. Plus, I want to up my dose of testosterone. I need to see my doctor about it. In between my shots, I start feeling off. Like something is wrong. Almost like a PMS feeling. I feel angry and aggressive. I am ready to take the next step and up my treatments. I want, no. Need to take the next step.

    I also have an opportunity to get a new job. I know I know. I love my job. But the new job pays way more money. It would still be Monday to Friday. 6 to 2:30. So an awesome shift. It would ease my mind about bills. And allow me to save more money towards surgery. The benefits are great. The people are pretty cool. I would get to work with my BFF again. I guess the only real problem would be asking my boss for a letter of reference for the potential new job. My boss has been so good to me. With dealing with my name change and my transition. As we are all aware, the only one I have really ever had a problem with is the douche. I admit, I won't miss him at all. I really don't know what I am going to do at this point.

    It has taken me all day to write this post. I keep getting distracted by Facebook, T.V and sick cats. Bean and Fidget are sick. They are on the mend now. Thank goodness. We went to the doctor yesterday. He spouted a bunch of medical jargon I couldn't understand. They got some fluid under the skin to help with dehydration. And I was prescribed pills to give them. Problem is, the pills make the cats throw up. It s very hard to keep them hydrated if they are throwing up twice a day. So no more pills. I have a bowl of water outside of Bean's new little house (Thank you Auntie Tasha! ) and a bowl of high calorie dry food as well. She will eat when she feels like it and drink as well. Holding her down and forcing water down her throat is stressing her out more then being sick right now. The girls did get a steam bath today to help with congestion. Bean even sat outside in the sunshine for a while. I think she will be OK.

    The doctor also gave me hell for Fidget's weight. Not sure what else I can do. She is already on diet food. And I moved to a place with stairs so she would have to go up and down. It is not my fault she is lazy. Same with Bean. She has always been a tiny little thing. Granted. She is too skinny right now. But even when she is healthy, she is a light eater. I can't force feed her. She is not a big fan of wet food on good days. So. all I can do is try and maintain a good balance between my skinny Bean and my tumba wumba Fidget. Wish me luck.

    The Bro Code Article # 23

    When flipping through TV channels with his Bros, a Bro is not allowed to skip past a program featuring boobs. This includes, but is not limited to, exercise shows, women's athletics and on some occasions, surgery programs.


  9. I haven't written on here in a while because of my PTSD mostly, the rest is telling more of this story has only brought up more anguish and sadness.

    My 12th birthday had come and gone and I was still in the Hospital, I had become adept at masturbating and except for a few dry humps on Joy that were absolute bliss. I was moved to a old building where they kept the older boys. This was very different, segregated by sex and placed into a situation where they were not only crazy but full of adolescent hormones. In my opinion an awful combination.

    Within my first week there I was in a fight with an older kid, he was picking on me and I just had enough. I managed to throw him down the stairs and was kicking the crap out of his stomach and ribs.

    That little incident got me thrown over to the maximum security ward, cut off from my family. i was there 2 weeks before they even visited me. I was brought some new clothes and just like that the visit was over. This ward was a new kind of hell for me, the lights wre on 24/7 and somone was always watching us. It grew into another but even more structured and boring realiy. The only highlight I remember was being show the movie "The Fantastic Voyage." In all I was in there for about 3 months before I was returned to the CB building. Little did I know my time there would soon end, but my adventure there was not over. I met another kid about my age, there were no semi private rooms like at the cottage this was open ward sleeping at its "finest" He was about my age and just as scared as myself. I introuduced him to the joy of panties and he quickly discovered that he enjoyed wearing them too. At least i had a freind who understood my desire to wear panties. We never discussed wearing dresses or anything like that it was all quite innocent.

    After all, my hormones were raging and all I wanted to do was have sex with girls.

    despite a rough start to my time in CB ward it was a time of change as well. Mom had established a small comisary account in my name. I couldn't take out more than a dollar to spend at a time,

    Also I was now allowed off grounds for an hour at a time, my home was about 3-4 blocks away and it occured to me I could go visit but at the time I was allowed off grounds no one would be home.

    I would go to the candy store and get some soda, or just wander around, eventually I had enrolled in some model building club, and the activity required me to take a bus to a nearby city for "class"

    One cold miserable wither evening I had gotten off at the stop about 3 blocks from home and instead of walking up the street back to the hospital I decided to walk to my home in the blustery cold twilight. I arrived in time to interrupt my family's dinner. I had looked in for a few moments before knocking on the kitchen door. I looked at the three of them, eating and then my empty chair, it seemed surreal at the time like I was dead, a ghost at the window yearning to part of something now out of my reach forever. In a way it was a harbinger for a future time just 5 years away.

    I knocked and they all turned to look, my Mom let me in while my Dad looked less than thrilled to see his second biggest mistake shivering in the doorway. I stepped into the warm, florescent lit kitchen rife with the smells of my Mother's wonderful cooking.

    I don't remember what was being served, i do remember not being allowed upstairs to go to my room. What were they afraid of? All i had to do was pick up a knife or better yet take 3 steps into the dining room and pull out my Dad's loaded revolver from the middle drawer of the hutch and have at them. Of course I didn't think of that, I waited while my Mom called the hospital and arranged to drive me back. The short car ride through the winter darkness was quiet except for the radio playing ABBA's Honey Honey.

    I don't recall any kind of punisment for this stunt other than being admonished for "running away"

    I came away from that experience very depressed, really feeling like an outcast in my family.

    It hurt me so deeply knowing that my family not only had a whole life without me being a part of it but didn't seem to even miss me. Even now after all this time that hurt has not lessened one bit.

    However winds of change were blowing and my time there would soon come to an end. I don't really remeber my last few weeks there othere that I strated spitting out my bedtime dose of pills so I can get up early and go down to the kitchen and help out with getting breakfast ready.

    I have no recollection of the last day there or going home. I know I was happy to have gotten out for good, but when Sunday evening rolled around I had an anxiety issuue for fear that this was all a cruel joke.

    But I was home at last, happy to have my own bed, happy to have all my toys and the things I was not allowed to have in the hospital. I did not go back to school though, i was dropped at my Dad's parents house during working hours to be taken home at the end of the day. I was actually over the moon for quite a long time to be not going back. However I was still on my meds for a few weeks more and suddenly i was cut off cold turkey.

    What I didn't know about was I was about to go through a "little" thing called withdrawal. It started with vomiting and dizziness, the endless dry heaves as my stomach was now empty. Crossdressing was the last thing on my mind during this time, as I was now bedridden and violently ill. With a trash can by my side and a clock radio for company. I would not get to eat for many several weeks, I tried to eat but couldn't keep it down, even water would not stay inside me. The doctor my Mom took me to told her to tell me it was just "Chest Congestion".... BULLSHIIT!

    I have tried alot of drugs to numb my emotional pain but never got hooked due to my fear of withdrawal. I was sick for about 3 months then better for a week then sick for another month the better for 3 days during this time we prepared to meve to Middletown PA as my father had gotten a promotion and had been commuting back and forth daily between Harrisburg and our city. Which was fine as we barely saw that bastard until the weekend.

    I really did not want to move, I had just made some new friends and was adjusting to a life free of being in a locked ward and on debilitating meds.

    My beloved grandparents and my numerous relatives were all here as well as the all the familiar places i treasured. As much as I hate that town now, I loved it just as much then. To be ripped away from all I loved and knew was the cruelest blow to my psyche.

    But moved we did, i cried and was generally angry and upset, During this time I encountered another relapse of withdrawal and was back in bed for a few weeks.

    Next entry, out of the frying pan and into the fire, or a minnow in a pool of piranha's

  10. Its 5:40 on a lovely bright Saturday after weeks of cold and misery. Like most days when the weather isn't trying to freeze me to death, I decided to take my housemates dog for a walk. For me, walking time is thinking time, and the topic of the day was 'what on earth do I put for the first entry on a blog about being transgendered?'.

    I ran through the usual list, boring checklist of my coming out, experiences with the NHS, shamefully confessing that I still haven't told my family despite living as a woman for nearly 6 years (I'll do it next week, honest!), but then I decided to write about just how much being trans is like compared to all those movies people make when they occasionally remember that people like us exist.

    After a good hard think, I came to the conclusion that none of them reeeeeeally manage to capture the feeling of being gender fluid, but you know what does? Jaws!

    Yes, the Spielberg classic about a giant fish that's basically a chainsaw with fins captures the transgender experience at its most heartfelt. No being Trans does not involve being dragged down to the bottom of a cold dark abyss buy an unseen nightmare (but I'm sure for some people it might). No, Jaws feels like being Transgender for completely different reasons.

    Take the plot. For the uninitiated, Jaws starts off with a shark attack, then another, then another. Each time there is one the local authorities desperately try to cover it up, they need the tourists to come toothy nightmare or not. Eventually it's staring them in the face and they resort to hiring a crazed fisherman and sending him out with a shark expert and the local sheriff to collect a bounty on the sharks head. If your wondering where this is going, that is how realizing I was trangender basically felt.

    I didn't have the whole 'oh ever since I was 5 I knew I wanted to be a girl etc etc'. Nope, for me it was like the opening of the film. In my early teens I dared to try cross dressing and enjoyed it. Suddenly I was in the middle of the ocean and felt something bite down on my leg. Some unseen thing was rushing up from under me with a horrible sinking feeling in my stomach. 'Oh God.....what if I'm like those freaks on tv who are boys who turn into girls?!?!?!?'. Like most things a teenage indulges in, I hid the evidence and tried to bury it. No one need know, especially not me.

    Yet like Amnity Island, the shark attacks continued. Like I'm certain many trans people do, I started to question everything about myself, and thinking what would happen if I were female. Why did I have to do this? I'm happier being like that! I wanted no-one to know the truth, but the chewed up body parts we're washing up faster than I could dispose of them.

    Later in the film there is a sign of hope. A group of fisherman catch a large predatory shark just off the coast. All is saved! Life can go back to normal! Of course it's the wrong fish. I got my false hope when I went off to university. No parents, no old friends, no little sibling to embarrass. Just me, a fresh start, and leaving all those daft thoughts about being trans behind. And for a year it worked. Indulging in secret cross dressing aside, I was a hetero male. However, the feeling was just waiting for the beaches to get full again.

    Over the summer break, I went back home to my parents. There I had a sudden realization, I hadn't put it behind me at all. I was looking out to the horizon and seeing a huge shark fin mocking me. Well like most of my approaches to problems I decided to dive into the deep end. This was it, me and the shark in the ocean. Only one of us would get out alive! I came out to my friends went almost full time, and joined the uni LGBT society. I figured I would either realize it was stupid, or I would get eaten by it and not care much anymore.

    It was long, and slow and frankly nightmare-ish. I got abuse, got taunted, mis gendered, all the usual things that society piles on us. I blamed my trans-feelings. They were ripping my boat apart and trying to tip me into the water to gobble me up!

    I imagine some people are upset by me describing the life of a trans person as some unseen terror, but this is where the whole monster metaphor stops dead. By the end of the film the sheriff is clinging to the decking of the slinking boat, the sharks reaching up to bite as he fends it off with a spear and a rifle. Up until now the shark has stayed hidden, it's unknowable, some unseen force your imagination cooks up. Now we see it in all its glory. And you know what? It looks ridiculous!

    The prop shark for the movie was frankly awful. Its well documented that i barely worked, and moves more like a floating log than a shark. Suddenly the film that had had me hiding behind my hands had me grinning. In my final year of university, that was my liberating moment. Why the hell had I been so scared of this? I'd turned a simple fact of my life into some unknowable nightmare by simply not seeing it. After a year of learning and practicing I passed better, and suddenly being trans was just something I was.

    Jaws being concidered a classic is a cheat by my movie standards, because what scares you isn't what is on the screen at all. It's what's in your head. Like that, the fears associated with being trans aren't a terror of the deep, their just a badly made prop that's floating half upside down with no real movement.

    Of course now that I think about it, I suppose trying to get on hormone therapy is a little bit like 'Jaws: The Revenge' too......

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