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I find myself in a situation over and over where a transgender person will seek encouragement and advice from me. I love to help people when I can but this is a time when I'm very torn. I want to give hope and encouragement to the person at the other end that I know needs it so much. I know I needed it very badly when I started out and still do at times. However, my outlook on transitioning is a bit sad and dark.
Its a tough life for most at best. I've seen so much sadness. I've listened to and cried with so many girls like me. I cant help but wanting to say don't do it if you have a choice. It's a giant commitment and in many ways something you cant undo. I fought my transition like hell for years then finally decided to kill myself because I could not reason my way past it any longer. I knew just how rough my life would become if I gave in this powerful need that was completely overwhelming me. I was so mad at myself because I truly believed I could use my mind to over come anything.
I went to Transgendered meetings and saw a counselor for over a year before I started my transition. I listened to one story after another about people losing entire families and losing everything they owned. Being forced out of longtime careers and often while losing any support system they had before setting out on this grand adventure.
Transgender people tend to be very intelligent and often have really good jobs before they start out. Sitting in a room across from a TS (transsexual) that had a big house, great career, loving family and then was left with nothing will make anyone think twice about following in their footsteps. Hearing about the family they were always so close to, that now won't even speak to them any more. It was quiet sobering but all normal stories in T-World as I call it.
We come from all walks of life and back grounds but we share one thing in common, for social rights and acceptance we are the last to the table. Only because of our alarming rates of being murdered, suicide , beatings and discrimination that we are being discussed on any level( and awesome men and women that are fighting the good fight).
Before I went full time living as a woman, I loved getting out of the house and talking with people. I have always clicked well with complete strangers and have had many wonderful conversations over the years. Now that has all changed, lots of people smile and are friendly but they no longer open up to me like they did before. The first few years of my transition, I had panic attacks just trying to go a few blocks to the post office because you never know when someone was going to go off on you. It might just be them laughing a sort of fake laugh very loudly, trying to make you feel completely stupid or very uncomfortable. Many times its a verbal attack with an intense level of hate and loathing you would never expect from a complete stranger. I have never had a single stranger stick up for me while all that was going on. The general look I get from others watching them be mean to me was a look like, "What did you expect when you left the house looking like that?"
Many times I have been in a situation where one or more men wanted to beat me up and for no other reason then me breathing really pissed them off. Standing in line in a store with some large, tough looking guy, whos only two feet away from you, that is so upset by your presence his hands are shacking is a trip. I've been in moments like that over and over again. When its a few angry men standing together it gets really scary.
People cry over the nation anthem, as I have at times, and then piss all over your freedoms without a second thought, like the freedom to just live our daily lives in peace. They all expect this freedom but some refuse to let us have ours. It reminds me of a line from one of my favorite movies, "How can someone say they love America but clearly hate Americans?" (The American President).
My mind and my heart told me this was the right thing for me. I did however seek help from professionals before moving forward as should anyone stuck in this difficult situation. I truly believe I was faced with three very bad choices. One was to keep fighting a battle that just kept getting worse and was tearing me up inside. Two was to kill myself, ending all the pain and fear. Three was to just give in to something that I knew was going to undo my life on many levels and did.
I was physically sick the last two years I fought my transition. A saw few doctors because of it and took many different pills, all for my tummy and my stress. I could not sleep, it was hard to eat and was very painful most the time but all went away the same day I decided to give in.
I never thought I could not reason my way past it until I was sitting in a bathtub, surrounded by candles with a razor blade in my hand. I had a family at the time, a wife and 4 kids so I decided it was not really an option to do that to them. A week before that, a friend had told me once you have kids, its no longer your right to kill yourself. Its never a good choice whither you have kids or not but I decided she was right. She also said if I killed myself I could teach my kids to do that as well, if things got tough for them later on. That made a lot of sense to me and they were, and are, far more important to me then any fears I had about my future.
The next day I told my wife what I almost did and what I was about to do. She said, "Its about time, you were meant to be a woman," but then asked for a divorce saying, "But I'm not a lesbian."
I too ended up losing everything I had except for the love of my family and friends. I was very, very lucky compared to many others I know.
The thing I find to be the hardest part of all this now, is how hard it is to find and keep work. This makes us as a group very unbalanced, causing a dark side to surround T-World from us just trying to get by. It forces many of us to become sex workers, doing porn or risking everything once again but this time out on the dangerous streets. HIV is very, very high for transexuals in some of the major cities. I have never slipped into all this but I have been tempted more then once--having no food can make your mind go into places you never thought it would ever go.
Discrimination is everywhere we go. Whither its work, housing or even just working with the government trying to get some kind of assistance. The church I went to would never have me now and the party I voted for before openly works against me.
I had to leave school, over the bathrooms of all things, because some women refused to share one with me. I was assured I could use the women's student bathroom, when I asked, before signing the contract. It took me years of waiting and jumping through hoops to get in that school. I was in school for about four months before it came to a head but it started right off on the very first day. At the end they gave me the choice to use a mens room with no locks in a part of school that was dark because it was an area not used at night. I explaned how dangerous it was for someone like me but was still told to use it our leave school...not much of a choice. I was the top of my class (99% GPA) and well liked but that did not save me for the complete embarrassment of it all and of course the huge disappointment that followed.
Its a hell of a ride and before you just jump right in make sure you need it more then everything else in your life because everything else just might not be around if you do. Whatever you do, don't hurt yourself. DON'T hurt yourself! Get help. See a psychiatrist. You can see why I try to hold my tongue when asked for advice. I don't want to take the joy out of something that has been for me, so wonderful and fulfilling on so many different levels. However, I could never advise anyone on this huge life changing choice without sharing the likely costs. Some do very well and things go fine I'm told, although I'm not sure I know anyone that fits that description over the first few years. I've had a few girls say it was going perfect with little to no problems in the very beginning but then later I had them tell me everything had changed for the worse.
Starting younger helps I think but the average person starts off at fourty, last I heard. I started hormones and went full time at fourty. When I moved to the inner city, it helped a lot. I did not realize how much I lived in fear until I move to LA around people that, for the most part, just did not care either way. It's a bit colorful in LA and your just another flavor there.
If one of my choices was to not do this and not have the fight that was raging inside me, I would have choose that hands down to keep my kids living with me. Only you know if you have a choice. I cant help you there but there are others that can, again seek help. I do of course wish you all the best in what ever you do.
Try to remember fear will make you stand out and that is not a good thing. If you do finely do it, don't hold back. You will be on the high dive over the deep end so, if you jump, do it with conviction. I can't stress enough the need to seek help before you start, not after. Don't take hormones on your own, you can hurt or even kill yourself. You should be sure about each step and think each part of it through, clearly and carefully.
Its my right as a free American to pursue my happiness. The least we can expect from life and ourselves, is to be ourselves, if we lose that we really have lost everything. Its not our fault its so hard, we are not the problem. We are doing nothing wrong pursuing this difficult goal. Its a freedom few would say we should not have. Even most of those who make everyday life so hard for us would not say it should not be part of our freedoms.
If your reading this and your upset by the subject remember if you believe its my right to do this then don't be mean to me. If you believe it should be a freedom remember you steal a bit of my freedom every time I decide not to go to a birthday party, or decide not to go to a movie and so on because the last time someone went off on me. That is hardly living free.
I hear them say now and then that free speech gives them the right to say the awful things they sometimes do...sure it is. Its not socially acceptable to say whatever we are thinking and whenever at any cost. If you don't like dogs you don't go around telling off dog owners. If you don't like coffee you don't get to walk into a coffee shop and start yelling at everyone in it. That is not a freedom any decent or sane person would expect.
My perspective is from ten years of chatting with TG's and TS's. Countless chats with girls like me. I went to the TG club's in LA for many years and met a lot of others just like me. I had two years of group meeting and saw a few shrinks on the matter over the years as well. I've read a lot on it and thought a lot about it of course. I know this subject very well. I have lived full time and on hormones since 7-22-2003 and before I went full time, I was close to full time for a few more years.
I really love being the woman I always wanted to be, in that light it has truly been a wonderful experience. I've seen a side of life few could ever understand without going through it themselves. It has not all been bad, far from it, just hard.
If you learn to let the little things go by the bigger stuff will not take such a toll on you. Learn to forgive. Most the people that pick on us are not bad people at all, just very confused. I have won over a few tough cases and became their friends over time. I just went to a St. Patrick's Day party thrown by a couple that really hated me when we first met, I even thought the husband was going to hit me. Try to remember its mostly just a knee jerk reaction and I bet most feel bad later. If you stick to the high road and not be rude back, then you will have clearly won. If I can, I just act super nice and sweet, its not that big of a stretch, and some feel bad right off. This takes a lot of will power because its easy to get angry about so much. Try your best to just let it go and don't dwell on them later--don't give that power over you.
My goal here was to say some of the things I needed to hear when I was so lost and scared, first starting out. This was not meant to scare anyone off that was really meant to be a transsexual. Reality sets in fast when you jump and I'm hoping that you knowing the water is a bit cold at first will make it less of a shock. Its also a warning to those who just want it and don't need it, be careful what you wish for.
(An update 12/6/08) I moved back to the area where I fled in fear, for good reason, a few years ago. I'm just coming up on a year and its going very, very well so far. No one picks on me or has been openly mean to me. I still get some unfriendly people but compared to the not so distant past, its only an minor annoyance.
I have a part-time job on the weekends and school during the week to get certified as an Administrative Assistant. There was a time when I never thought my life could move forward being a TS. I would have swore the two were completely incompatible, but learned if you don't give in to fear and just press forward, they can come together.
It takes a while to learn to walk the walk and talk the talk. Now that I'm more relaxed and more passable the daily hate no longer follows me around. I've heard again and again that passing is 80% in your head and 20% is your presentation. My advice is just feel your way though and let your inner-self out, without over analyzing everything or worrying about what others think.
It did get a lot better for me and is likely to get better for you if you can just survive the valleys and the painfully awkward beginning. I meant every word of this with love and from my heart to everyone who is lost and confused at the beginning of this large and strange maze we call transitioning.
We are moving forward and transitioning has become for more user friendly. Our attempted suicide rates are still so high there is not a close second among any other group. Those that do succeed are far to many--and again, higher then any other group. Seek help and don’t let fear wipe you out. Change is coming and I know if you stick around for it, you will love what you find.
Your friend Lisa Eve
( 12-15-09 My next progress report. )
Life is better now then ever. I finished school and got my certs. My novel is now out and seems to be doing well. I got a new job a few months back and really like it. My supervisor wanted me to dress gender neutral on the job--in other words, not dress like a woman. She would have had an easier time asking me not to breathe at work. I still don’t see the kids very much and that makes me very sad at times. But over all life has been very good to me.
I don’t ever get picked on. Most people don’t know I’m a TS, but when they do, everyone has been great about it--other then my pinhead supervisor. Things are changing for the better in the way the public, in general, deals with exotic creatures like us.
I gave a speech on the Transgender Day of Remembrance (11-20-09). It reminded me its still not a safe world for us. We lose about two a week to being murdered--in the Americas and Europe. In the USA, our safe zones are getting larger and more and more places are becoming far less dangerous. Being safe and smart goes a long way.
Its 2014 and a lot has happened between now and my last update. I got a bad kidney infection and had to stop my hormones. That lasted from 2009 to 2011. Kept going to emergency rooms and not getting any help...its all better now. Not being on hormones had an effect on me passing--as well as just being beat down for so long. When I stopped passing again the hate followed and I was not up to all that so in Nov of 2012 I went back to living as a guy. I also wanted to meet someone and start a relationship. Being a TS and meeting the right someone was not working for me. I went on countless dates, most turned out to be married, or I would be asked to get married in the first few dates. There was a lot of awful stuff, some really awful so I gave up on looking and dating--its been about 7 years since I dated. Going back to living as a guy was just jumping out of the pan and into the fire. My legal name is Lisa Eve and I have a F on my drivers lic. My body is still very female with breast and hips. So I'm trying to get back to living as a woman fulltime but I gave away all my clothes etc. I don't even have makeup. My family does not want me to go back because for how mean so many people were to me. That job I mention I lost with them just making up something to get rid of me...and it worked even though everyone knew. Don't get me wrong I'm super happy now and at peace. I don't stress anything these days. But I do want to get back to the home lost deep in my heart.
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Explain to me why i am always changing my mind. First of all let me start this by saying... hello i'm back. I've been away for quite some time, gathering thoughts and changing my future. Not towards my wanted goal tho. But of one that pleases everyone else. Including who i believe God to be. Most importantly, i just want to be able to become happy without the guilt and realization minus the fact that i'll be fooled into thinking what i WANT to do is the right direction for me...
Is there a reason why i am the way i am. I am going to just spill my guts for everyone that reads this. First of all, my stomach hurts cause i am hungry... i am living in a hotel cause i have not been able to find a stable place to live yet, and i just broke it off with a girl. The girl didnt like the fact that i wanted to become a girl, i might add. That sucked. For real, it did. The point of the whole thing about telling her was to find someone i once had to support me, as well, in my all too knowing to be, transition. She wasnt for it at all. She didnt see me as a freak, but as someone that could still "be friends" with her. Which was fine cause when i kissed her i didnt feel that firework feeling anymore like i used to when i kissed a girl...
So i think i may be gay... wait, bi. Yup, i think i am falling for a guy i have been hanging out with, but its too soon to tell if it will go anywhere. I dress up every now and again, but not much anymore. Its not the fact that i feel like a girl when i dress... but around the clock i just wish it had been different. I feel fake putting on a bra with no breasts to fill it in. I get irritated, being an understatement, when i wear panties and my crotch has to be taped in order to "look" female... Its irritating for me to be a man. I dont know why, but it seems as if transition is going to be the only way to get to where i want to be in life.
A girl with a guy. Isnt that the way its suppose to be? Well, i see myself as the girl, until i look at my now covered with hair face in the mirror... then its too clear. I wasnt born a girl, i was born a guy... and that straight up PISSES me off! I am slowly becoming angrier as the days turn to weeks and the weeks turn into months, and the months have turned to be today, and all i can say is, "i am NOT who i want to BE!" I have more to give than this "male" body can express... and i just want to cry when i cant "be" myself, even when i am alone BY myself... If there was only an answer to my problem that i am willing to listen to...
My mom has been SO supportive over the whole "i think i'm trans" thing, and i can barely talk about it with her cause i feel like i talk about it WAY too much! With everyone i ask for signs if i am who i think i am... and the answer differs, lol. But anyways she said something to me. She said that if i liked men then i was a homosexual. I told her that i didnt want to BE a man WITH a man. I wanted to be a girl with a guy, like i was suppose to be. So she said that i was a crossdressing homosexual... Sigh... theres something wrong with that. I dont really LIKE to dress cause i feel like a guy dressing like a girl and it pisses me off... once again, because i am in an obviously male body. I am in a position of listening to what OTHER people say, which is the only way of life that i know. I am a follower and thats a feminine trait. Doesnt make me a female tho, so i am told. So what makes me feel like i am who i think i am?
I want to express something, or "confess", as my blog is called "Confessions via Laptop" for a reason, that i have some skeletons... I DO masterbate... BUT... i only masterbate when i am thinking of being with a man as a girl. Once i get done with it, i continue on my way living my life wanting to be a girl. So is my wanting to be a girl a "fetish"? I really dont know... maybe. maybe not... All i know is that the few minutes after, i am not horny anymore, so there is no "feeling" of feeling like a girl, OR a guy for that matter. But then later i want to be a girl again... even after a climax! So of course, i cant do my "deed" again, but i have this feeling of "Wow, life would be so much better if i werent a guy" So my mom thinks i'm gay... My male part thinks i have a fetish, and as Me, i just want to be a girl... period.
well today has been another day.... I mean what are we here for? to think the way we live is a choice---really the stupidest thing I have ever heard. I pluck my facial hair because I don't want stubble....let a man do that---lmbo----he would cry like--ironically a girl---- I live for me and refuse to live for whatever society thinks I should. I say once and forall deal with me world because I am real and I am here.
I really never expected this.
When I first started out in this journey I told myself that I didn't care what I looked like in the end. I didn't care if people always saw me as a man who wants to be a woman. At least I would be honest. At least I was being me. I could finally let go of the pain of lying and projecting myself as male that I held onto for so long like some kind of comfort blanket... made of rabid raccoons - That kept me safe... in an emotionally scarring sort of way.
For a long time that was the truth. Some days were better than others in the beginning. Some days I felt I passed and other days I felt like people could see right through my wig and my makeup for the drag queen that I was. As time went on and the hormones took their toll on my face and body I actually started to feel less passable. It felt awkward but at least it still felt right. Looking back on it, the looks everybody gave me probably weren't them saying to themselves, "what a freak," like I thought they were - it was probably them being genuinely curious about my gender.
Looking back on a journal entry from early in my transition I remember myself stating that I wasn't sure about going all the way - that being androgynous would be enough. Funny that when I finally made it there it felt so wrong. Fear is a strong thing and I think that was my way of coping with the fact that I might not have been able to look like a woman - coupled with the fact that for a while I wasn't able to unsee my male self when I looked in the mirror. When people looked at me funny, curious about my existence, I just wanted them to see me as another girl in the street. My hair had gotten long enough (and thick enough) and I was so sick of the uncomfortable wigs that I stopped wearing them. I started to look not really one gender, not yet the other.
Recently I was beginning to notice that the attention was waning. Something in me started to panic. Maybe it's because I had gotten used to people's stares, I'd gotten used to room full of people who would take turns staring at me until it seemed like everyone had done it at least once. I didn't even realize that people stopped looking because they no longer register me as anything other than... female.
Wrapping my head around this is a little weird! Maybe it's because I thought it would never happen and for a while my inferiority complex (still lingering from trying to live as a man) wouldn't let me believe that I was being seen as a woman. The only time looks linger now is because they think I'm cute! The smiles people give me aren't sinister - they're genuine. New people don't do the double-take that they once did when I walked up to them. Chatting in a cafe just today when I brought up anything trans related my friend would lean in and whisper as though no one else in the coffee shop needed to know. It was our little secret and she looked so excited for me!
Now I need to decide what to do with this. Two years ago I told myself that I would move out of town, change my name and start a new life if I was ever able to go stealth. But with all the support and new friends I've made I can see that was a decision made purely out of fear. I've already decided that being passable is going to work a lot to my advantage but in my career and in my life I really want to get into trans support and trans rights. Why vanish when I could do much more by being visible? Apparently being passable is helpful in that regard and while I don't think that's right on society's part I want to do what I can to change the general public's viewpoint. Somehow. Slowly, surely.
Let's see what happens now.
I am a Woman.
A question was posted about God not answering prayer for this GID. I want to reply by saying:
If you have finally accepted who you truly are, than that enlightment may be God's answer to your prayer. It takes all of the courage in the world to deny the world but praise God for what he created in you.
I came out to my best friend of almost 20 years, He has rejected me. I knew it would happen and I can accept that. But I pity everything about him now, because of how closed he is to loving those who are different from him. It is not easy accepting changes in self and others but it is a necessary part in moving forward in life.
My life started with very innocent feelings regarding my femine qualities, than at puberty the feelings were mixed with testosterone and the changes that come with it. As I discovered sexual feeling accidentally I did become addicted at a point to sexual excitement. This excitement was always surrounded by the rare opportunities that I had to act out the real me (in fem clothes of course) The only time I felt the most like a boy would have been in those early years when the testosterone was so high. But even with my boyhood and into manhood I could never shake the very true feelings buried deep inside.
I went on to take on jobs, got married and had children, but this is how everything is unfolding now..
I am going to list all of the things that make me a woman and when taken together I think it will be obvious to anyone, what is really going on.
-My mother had been on heavy doses of estrogen before she got pregnant with me.
-My mother loved me so much, she always considered me a miracle baby
-She would never have any more children because of the estrogen treatment
-She contracted breast cancer at 55 and died from it at 58.
-I almost died as an infant from complications.
-I was deeply loved and probobly spoiled by my parents
-My parents raised me in the catholic church and were devout moral people.
-My parents were excellent parents.
-My parents gave me many opportunities to explore life
-My parents had an intense fear of rejection from the outside world
-My parents had great trouble accepting abnormal things because my parents were very simple people.
-I have always been a complex person and I gave my parents as much frustration as I did enjoyment because of my intensity and analytical methods.
- My father was a provider but a perfectionist
- My mother was everything to me and a collector of things
- I looked up to my father and always found him to be handsome.
- I looked up to my mother and felt she was the most beautiful woman in the world.
So now here is the list of what makes Me a woman
-I have always been attracted to good looking men like my father
-I have never acted on these feelings and don't intend to currently
-I have always been intensely attracted to women but wished so to be like them: not in as much in a sexual way but more of a deep friendship expressed by holding hands, kissing and hugging. Later in Puberty I made the sexual connection but it was not as important as the other things in life.
-As a little child I did not know about sex and I am happy for that, it kept me innocent a little longer
-I always loved color, give me all the color in the world. The rainbow was one of my most favorite pictures to draw.
-I have always loved the softest things on my skin. Silk, Rayon, Cotton. I wore holes in my blanket out by petting it so much.
-I loved playing with toys, but my favorite toys were the girs toys especially barbie, the make believe kitchen set, games involving fantasy, dollhouses, dolls, I loved all of it. The sad thing is that I never told mom. I was scared. I learned to accept the boys section and enjoyed what I could from it. I rarely ever bought toy guns and my very favorite toy of all was Legos. I loved to create my own world. And I loved pretending I was a real live girl.
-I always looked in the girls and womens sections for everything in store catalogs.
-Every day of my life I have gone to bed wishing I would wake-up a physical woman.
-I have lived the life of a man and that's what people see. But I really don't understand men because I am not one.
-I desperately wanted to be in dance recitals. I gave up because I could not wear the clothing that was correct for my gender identity.
-I loved hanging around the girls.
-90% of my friends were girls.
-I wanted to be with girls since birth it was not forced on me
-I did not really even like hanging around boys until puberty
-The boyfriends I had were a lot like me
Brian, Bob, Andy, EH, Andy G
-I have always fit in perfectly around woman
-Deep tendency for gossip
-temptations of envie and revenge
-Attractions to material things, trinkets, collectibles etc.
-Love for Nostalgia
-Always wanting to be the girl that could fit the glass shoe
-I am deeply offended by pornography
-I always want to be the woman when I did see Pornography
-I am a deep spiritual thinker
-I am sensitive
-I am emotional
-I am motherly (though this has definately been repressed)
-I am empathetic
-I love shopping and all that goes along with it
-I love beautful clothing
-I always go to a salon to cut my hair and this is what I want
-I love the ballet and other dance recitals
-I love the theatre and acting
-I always wished to be a ballet dancer.
-I wished that I could have been in a wedding dress at my wedding
-I identify with both Jesus and Mary, but have always freely prayed out to God directly.
-I have never had sex with anyone other than my wife
-I was a virgin until I was 24 years old
-I hated asking girls on dates, I was always too shy
-I have always felt embarassed to have to sometimes be in public without a tshirt on.
-I always sit down to go to the bathroom
-I hate going into the mens bathroom
-I use a stall whenever possible
-I am extremely nervous in the mens bathroom
-I do not trust men
-I fear what men often do to women
-I express myself naturally in feminine ways
-When I get out of the shower and look in the mirror, I hide my penis to see things how it should be
-I am very creative
-I am extremely musical
-I love everything about the Arts.
-Cleaning the house and chores are very natural for me
-I love to cook but have been repressed in that area for years.
-I have no desire for hunting, and hate even kiling flies
-squiggly squirmy animals make me jump out of my seat
-I would scream a lot if my vocal chords aloud it.
-I loved reading Gone with the wind and Identified totally with Scarlet Ohara
-If I got into reading love novels I would never put them down
-My greatest turn on is that which is poetic and in words
-A well written greeting card will easily make me cry.
-I cry easily in movies
-I cry often for no reason
-I enjoy romantic movies, but I always Identify with the girl
-Being a girl is natural for me it takes very little effort.
-I am not embarassed being dressed as a girl, I just fear what other people think of me.
-Styled hair, make-up and colorful clothes, always make me feel better and prettier
-I like to be pretty
-I like to serve others
-I can't stand just giving people directions I have to get involved
-I always wanted to be a housewife
-I desperately wanted to actually give birth someday.
-I am never comfortable in mens groups made up of real men.
-I am uncomfortable around most gay men unless they exhibit soft female traits.
-I absolutely love hugs and could never get enough
-I have a heart extra heart beat that only corrects itself when my wife holds my hands or connects with me in some other way.
- I loved to be touched and stroked. I have very sensitive skin
-I love to have all areas of my body touched gently
-I experience very intense and sometimes prolonged orgasms
-I feel love for many people and compassion even for those who do not like me.
-My greatest prejudice is against those people who are so disgusted of me.
-I absolutely love baths
-Shaving my legs and body hair is very natural for me
-I hate the hair on my body
-I have some breast development and I welcome it.
-I am fond of my legs, eyes, mouth ears, and my nose is a little big but still lovable
-I have always been uncomfortable with my penis and my greatest dream is to have it turn into a vagina.
-The penis is in the way of a lot of natural interest that I have. Ballet, Gymnastics, Ice Dancing, Swimming, Bicycling, and Horse back riding.
- I want to experience more in life before I get to old.
-I love my children deeply in a very motherly way.
-I have not rejected being a male, I have never been one.
-Transition to a Female seems like a natural thing to do the science wasn't there years ago. it was only a dream.
-Every day I have dreamed about having my mind and body match
-I am not sick
-You cannot change my mind without killing me (then my feminine soul will move on)
-If you want to pray for a miracle, pray that I wake up in a female body.
-I am willing to die before I would ever deny my true self again.
What normal balanced man would have the above feelings.
I would like to know how a real man would describe his life experience...
I was considering one final possibility in this conflict of mine. If society accepted people like us as simply different, my internal struggles would not be as significant. The only difference between myself and a XX woman is the outside package.
As of now I am a beautiful woman on the inside of a male package. If society uses what is between the legs for its segregating than the only real solution for me is surgery. I have no problem with it accept that it would be a shame to loose the sexual feeling down there if things go wrong. However, I have enjoyed a lot of sex in the past and to me I would rather spend 90% of the rest of my days enjoying being a complete woman rather than 90% of my time wishing I could be. I desperately want room down there as well. Rid myself of the discomfort forever.
As for family and friends. If they do not accept me, then they unfortunately are the ones with the problem. There is nothing else I can say. I have been spending so much time trying to fit in as a male that it has caused my body to finally give up. My mind seems to be producing its own estrogen, telling me that it is finally time to let go of the pain and start to live out the person I really am.
As I say goodbye to the outer shell of who I was. I will still be the same on the inside. However I will be having new experiences on the outside that will allow me to experience more friendship with the ones I love. I long to be with other women, they are my source of love and companionship, being in the wrong body inhibits my abilities to make this connection with them. As for men, I really never made many friends with them anyway. I'll keep the ones I can connect with and forget the ones that don't care about me, just the way it happens in real life.
As for my wife. I will never stop loving her. If she still sees the person she needs to see on the outside regardless of my physical changes, I see no reason to break ties with that commitment. I love her very very much.
I have shared many words today but they are straight from the heart. I must let go of the pain and give it all up to God, for he loves me as a I am, my spirit, the Woman in Me.
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hi how to start this blog firstly im from elgin ,moray,uk was born a while ago saffice to say im in my very very late 20,s(51) when i was growing up any fancy dress party or the likes of halloween i would put on my mams (mom) clothes then by 11 my mam bought some new and weirdly fascinating tights(pantyhose) dont know what it was but i fell in love with the desire to wear them so one day i did and started to dress a lot when my mam & dad where out however that could not last forever on the whole it was a wonderful time in my life all i needed was some support as i say it could not last forever one halloween a friend from school caught me while i was out trick or treatimng kinda weird when you are 15 still out dressed up but hey .
but that wasnt the only thing when i was at one of my friends house we would pretend to be out clubbing or being a naughty nurse they never had to look far for a surrogate girl if you like thank god his sister had panties and tights as well as skirts that fitted weird thing was when i was 16 i just asked my friend what would he do if when we were older if i came back as a woman what would he do he said he would beat me up.
a little later in life as i could not hide my desires any longer in the uk we have a paper called the sun ther was an agony aunt called deirdre so i wrote to her telling her my desire nae my wish to be out in public dressed up with or without make-up her reply dissapionted me though she never told me not to she did say that in her opinion i would not be able to do that until i had gone off this mortal coil "bitch" funny though i defied her odds still alive and have dressed full time 24/7 in skirts tights with and without make-up.
so here i am having gone through bigotry and ignorance and a lot of new freinds feeling stronger and looking forward to the future
I came home with this blog post in mind, thinking about it the whole way. But while I sit here and stare at my bright screen in a dark room, I some how second guess my motives. Either it to vent my emotions, or either it is to educate others. Perhaps it is a bit of both. I'm posting this briefly before I lay myself down to rest from work, having just gotten home and showered as quickly as I could before the routines of others came into play and prevented me from brushing my teeth. Again.
The topic I want to drag into the open once more today, though I'm sure you're all tired of hearing about it, is Multiple Personality Disorder.
It not only baffles and infuriates me to no end but it also greatly saddens me that anyone of sound mind would assume, even for a second, that this disorder is a matter of fiction. That the mere aspect of having Multiple personalities within your mind is simply a play at gaining attention or affection. The sheer fact of how challenging and frustrating it can be, and often is, completely confuses me when I hear others telling their friends how Multiple Personality disorder is a made up disease by people who crave attention. Much to the assumption that being transgender is only for attention, I suppose. I'd like to put a few things down that have very recently plagued me for the past month...
I wish it was only for attention. I greatly do. Because if it were for the simple reward of attention, I could merely shut it off whenever it suited me and forget about it completely until I felt lonely enough to gain more attention from it. People hardly ever realize how difficult life can be when you're juggling your daily routine around several other opinions in your head. Something as simple as remember to eat breakfast can be a daunting task, as you may be just about to eat but another personality takes front instead, skipping the meal or not feeling hungry; and by the time you return...half the day may have gone by. Or perhaps you're a victim of 'triggers' that can easily upset other alts and send you into an episode of emotions and hallucinations. Perhaps you're driving your vehicle at 65mph on the interstate and your child alt decides that he wants to try driving like the adults do. This could spell instant disaster for not only yourself and your 'headmates' but for anyone else on the road as well.
Any spare thought you have to yourself could easily be shared with your group without you giving permission for such. Any idea you have can easily be stolen from your thought, and taken by another. You may be neck deep in a task that you rather enjoy, when suddenly you're six hours away and your hobby is no longer in your hands. You wander and look for it, wondering where it's been placed. When you ask others, they'll simply ask you "Where did you have it last?"
Well, that's simple. I had it in my hands. Six hours ago...But then they may go on to discribe that you didnt seem to worried about it five minutes ago. But they also do not realize that the body moved, the mouth spoke, the lungs let you breathe and the eyes let you see. But they did so for someone else. Your own body betrayed you and allowed someone else to misplace your things, change your channels, change your style. But its not even your own body, now is it? No, you share it. As daunting of a task as it is to share your personal things and to have to hand over possessions that you love dearly, you must also remember never to alter your physical because...you share it. It's not yours. Not really.
Anything you do must be discussed in a group format, if possible, so as not to upset someone else that you literally must listen to for the rest of your life. Every minute is shared, every secret is spoiled. Any memory you wish to keep sacred and to yourself, you must spend extra energy to keep guarded. By the time you have your most precious memories guarded safely away from the prying eyes of others within your mind---you've far too little energy to even bother fronting at all. You may drift off for the day, for a week...for a month perhaps. Everything requires energy, and you must not forget....you share that too.
Your most intimate thoughts...you share. Your most secret fears...you share. Your most tragic memories...you share. Nothing is yours anymore.
Sometimes even, you will discover your secrets have been shared with someone without your permission, and only because that alt had been clumsy enough to not delete his text messages...
If you make a private account on a computer, a place to call your own and to try and hide away from the other voices that constantly ask you questions or bicker about when one should be allowed to color while the other wishes to watch television...dont forget. You share everything. That password you thought was your own? No, no..they often see those. Although you dont look at the keyboard, your mind remembers the placement and the letters and therefore; the words. The password is not yours anymore.
Being a Shepard Alt is just as difficult and I implore everyone with DID or MPD to please appreciate the chaos that your Shepard must endure. They must be the ones to dictate who may come and go and when they may do it. When one may color while the other watches his television show, while juggling who will be able to go to work tonight and do a good job; all the while balancing out when your host may have private time of his own with his boyfriend. While doing all that, you must try to not play favorites else it makes the other alts jealous and therefore rebellious. And nothing is more frustrating than a rebellious personality who, by the way, also has control of your limbs.
This is why it confuses me.
Why the idea of this disorder being simply for attention is such a drastic blast of false assumptions that it makes my head spin. Well...our...head spin. Mental disorders and diseases take so much of your life away, that you hardly seem to realize you're even living anymore. It takes up so much of your time, that a year can go by and you regret not doing anything productive with it. Your job may be in danger of termination every time you decide to relax and let another take your place, as mine is in now. Unknown to me, jobs have not been done properly. This was brought to my attention tonight when I was informed that my duties are being limited during the summer, and my boss is doing everything she can to keep me from being terminated from too few hours given. Bless her, I know she is trying to make sure I stay employed. But she also is not aware of the personalities that I try so desperately to keep within my head. Fact is...she does not even know I exist. Simply that I am speaking in my host's stead, but she will only know me as him.
And so we come to another piece of the never ending puzzle.
Being invisible. No one will know you if you are not the host. Not really. You may never walk to a crowd and hear your name spoken first, or at all. You may not even see your name on paper unless written in secret by your own hand. You may or may not ever have the opportunity at physical affection or intimacy, as these are usually things that the Host keeps for themselves. If this is different for you, please understand that you must appreciate this. Not every alt has this opportunity.
Take every opportunity as a blessing, in fact.
Some of us may simply be a manager, and never a person.
Please be kind to Multiple Personalities....we are many, we are important, and we are often but shadows in your bright world.
I love to cross dress, I'm not really sure how it makes me feel or at least I can't describe the feeling but I feel like I should have been a woman but at the same time I would miss my digit or whatever you'd like to call it. As I was growing up all of this was unheard of, at least by me. Back in my day I would have got the crap beat out of me if people knew how I really felt. I have decided to cut loose and let my feelings show at least to the people on this site, because I feel safe here. It is hard going from one point to another one that is totally different from the way other people percieve me.
I was masculan jock all of the time I was growing up, but I alwas elt like someting was missing, but times have chaged and I feel like Im not as alone as I thought I was, It's probably too late and I'm probably too old but I have made up my mind to try growing some feminie breasts.
I don't have a clue as to long it takes but I would apreciate some feedback on that. I am not really sure what I can say on this site but I have also decided that I like the sexual aspects too.
I would like to hear some feedback if you have the time.
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After a good day of relaxing and playing music, yesterday was our trans discussion group's monthly outing to a restaurant (my first time going). I decided I would wear my favorite jeans, harley boots, a really cool long sleeve long dark green top and new dream catcher necklace I purchased at the same store as the top. I wore makeup, packed my money, phone and cards in my new wallet, a nice pink Michael Kors clutch with wrist band, and take the bus. I had a one hour ride to downtown, a 14 minute wait and a short ride to my destination which was a decent Greek restaurant.
This was my second time going out dressed and wearing makeup and since I'm not yet on HRT, I am not passable at all....and I don't really care. The first ride was very uneventful and when I got downtown, I waited in a glass bus stop along with a very pretty and tall black woman. Since this was right downtown Gatineau (across the river from Ottawa) and the area has a multitude of bars and night spots, there were a lot of people walking around and I was curious to see how many times I would be noticed and looked at twice. Aside from a couple of people staring a bit and an elderly lady giving me the "evil eye" (I just smiled back!), it was a lot less eventful than I would have previously imagined. The lady at the bus stop even sat beside me and complimented me on my nails which was really cool!
I met my friends, a group of MTF's and FTM's and had a great meal and even better conversation. After the meal, we decided to head to a new chocolate/ice cream place which recently opened and when we got there ...wow! The place was packed with a lineup about 40 feet out the door. We waited in line and it was really worth it...great ice cream of all kinds with a selection of about 12 different kinds of chocolate dips!
All 8 of us stood out on the patio and talked for at least an hour before heading back...it was awesome! This was really my first time heading out into the "unknown" being my true self and it felt exhilarating! A couple of times I noticed some weird looks and stares but the feeling of being out as myself with people just like me and their friends out weighed any issue others might have with me...that belongs to THEM, not me! A friend from the group gave me a ride home and I slept soooo well!
This morning when I got up I had this crazy craving for steak and eggs! I had the steak but not the eggs so I put on a pair of shorts, t-shirt and headed to the convenience store I've been going to for many years. I still had on the nail polish as I usually keep it on during weekends and when I'm not working. When I walked in I was curious to see if the cashier, who is a friendly woman in her 20's, would notice or say anything. I got the eggs, went to pay and after waiting for the only other customer to finish paying, she noticed my nails and immediately said: "Oh wow, nice nails!!" to which I replied "thanks...I like the color and don't care what people think..". She replied: "That's great, let your girl have some fun!"
The steak and eggs tasted great....I think I'll have a good sleep again tonight...
Dreams have a way of telling you things right? Well it'll be nice if everyone were like Daniel from the book of Daniel, and just naturally interpret them at the drop of a hat. For I wasn't gifted in that area, *sighs* along with other things like discernment. But things have a way of working themselves out I guess. Anyway, I had this dream last night, and it was really nice for the fact that I prayed to God to literally tell me in a dream if it was "ok" to transition and just be who i am, for I am as you guessed it by now, pretty spiritual. Not religious, spiritual. I have a relationship with God, or try to anways, instead of looking over my shoulder to see if he's going to hit me. I sometimes feel that way too, so don't get me wrong, I mean, I'm totally afraid of what God could do to me when I do this. So I asked him. And this is what I viewed as his little "heavenly sent revelation maker".
I was at this really fancy out doors party. I had a gf for some reason and I was in my male body dressed in fem attire. Well, she guided us to this dinner table as I was watching everyone just give me this look of puzzlement, like they couldn't tell if I was a boy or a girl. But I was walking with my gf of two minutes when we came to our table. Remember the gay guy from As Good as it Gets? Well he was there, with HIS wife, gf, sister, or something just sitting there waiting for us to come by so he could finally meet me. We just talked and ate for awhile, but the scene switched to us leaving and I got caught up behind for some reason, and was left alone with everyone just looking at me as I was walking to look for them. This group of men were sitting outside just checking me out. One of them came to me and said, "Dang babe, give me a ring you pretty thing!" And I turned around and started to walk away. Then he caught up with me and stopped in front of me. He started talking to me about something, as if we'd been friends for a long time or something. Then the unexpected happened. He slapped me across my face! And walked away. So I was left alone in my hoodie, put my hands in my pockets, and walked off on the verge to tears. Then I woke up! That's it. I know it's not much but that was my dream. But I think I know what it means. Some of it anyways. And it all started today.
Today I was pretty much put to shame by one of my friends. If you read my first blog you would know that I am a musician singer songwriter, and I sing my own songs as a guy. So my friend sees me as this soon to be found artist who has great potential to do something great with my life music wise. He doesn't like the fact that I want to be a girl tho. Even tho I told him it's not the case that I want to be anything. It's simply the fact that I just am. Well we were drinking some Cape Cods, those that don't know what those are, it's just vodka and cranberry juice. Which is very tasty if made just right, i might add:) Anyways we got to the point of me, as Kate. I used to refer myself as two people, cause it made me feel better that I had no control over my situation, making it easier to just accept that I am who I am cause of this girl inside of me wanting to live the rest of my life. I would also state that this person that they see is just a society formed individual who shoved the real me down as far as he could so as to be accepted by the world. This is just how I felt. It's a bit different, but I'm still like learning, so hand me a frickin' bone here:p learning how to explain it I mean, btw. Anyways he can't and never could accept the fact that I wanted to " fix" my situation. So last night we were drinking and we got on the subject of my transitioning and how it could effect him as a heterosexual man. He said a certain thing that really hit home. "How are you going to make money as Kate?! Nobodys going to accept a freak, man! Screw Kate! (which wasn't the exact words he used) She's going to screw up your life! You need to start thinking about what you want and what she wants!" I mean it was a really harsh way of putting it but he was right about one thing. He literally slapped me in my face with reality, and I was on the verge to tears. I told him I just wanted to be me. And he told me to just do it in my "private time". I couldn't imagine redoing the closet transgender sharade my whole life, no offense to you if you are, it's just not something that I want:( But I DO need cash flow, and I DO need to plan a future for myself. My plans as a guy were to be a musician and somehow pursue "my" dream to become famous or something. Haha. I realize how horrible that plan is, btw. I quit school, high school, and never went back. I mean if I go back, which i am definetely going to, I would rather go as myself than to lie to another 100,000 people or so. (I exagerate a bit) Seeing how it will be another change for me, and the career path that I choose to take. Which I personally believe that my feminine side brings the best out of me. I mean as a still closeted guy I wasn't even considering finishing high school better yet college. But I am now, and I think it would be a good move. They'll be new experiences, new friends, and I will have a very wide selection of things to consider doing for the rest of my life. But is that throwing the first dream that I am allready ready for away? I must tell you, I have recording agents wanting me from a handful of places. And they aren't small, plus I'm not bragging, I'm simply telling you what I am willing to sacrifice for my dream (no quotes:p)
So I think that's what the dream was about. Feeling alone cause I chose friends that were oblivious to what I was going thru and just left me in the dust? I don't know. It's more the fact that I felt sad and alone cause I felt like I was the only person like that at the party period. And I am. I wake to face only me in the mirror. Not the person I am happy to be, but it doesn't take away the fact that's who I am right now, or at least percieve to the world. It's like that old saying, "work with what you got". I will always feel alone in places where there isn't anyone there that has the slightest idea what I'm going through! I can't explain it to everyone I meet. It just brought some deep thought to what I was allready thinking. That dream I mean. I just jumped in this new life as quick as I could. I mean as soon as I knew, I was telling anyone I could get ahold of that would be the most receptive, that i was trans. I was proud at first. But now it's all of this work and heartache of loads I haven't even seen yet! But like all of you I am willing to take my "cross" and live the life I want to live, regardless of what happens. Things are easier said than done tho, wouldn't you agree?
hi everybody wherever you are love joy happeness be with with you all thisa is my first blog so i know i will make mistakes so plse forgive me if i do at this time im in transition and hrt in the hope that one dayi will be what i want to be its not easy is it for any of us we face lots of problems which we all have to overcome in our quest to be ourselfs i welcome all comments good or bad so please feel free to do so i look forward to talk with you in the future You know sometimes you have to forget whats gone appreciate whats remains and look forward to whats coming nextl
Why is everyone that is not my doc (family that is ) worried about what is or not between my legs or if i have GRS . it is really not any of their concern .......ugh , i came out to you to let you know who am not to try and control my life or my journey ............
The weekend is almost over here, it's been a strange kind of weekend. Went to see the new Mission Impossible, which I would say is worth seeing if only because the other option is Fantastic Four. If you have ever seen James Bond, Casino Royale (the latest version) or have seen anything with Tom Cruise in it before, it's probably worth just going down to your local video store or online provider and just watch one of those instead.
There doesn't seem to be a great deal of options in terms of new material movies around. They are either reboots or recent movies or just nothing which is breaking the ground. Even the Stonewall movie is getting bad press for being historically inaccurate (wait! Hollywood re-writing history.....I am shocked).
On the smaller screen I am just about to sit down and watch the second installment of I am Cait which has had mixed reviews. Will stick with it and see how things go, but I am not really a committed TV programme watcher. I tend to wait for it to come out on box set or just lose interest.
Whilst we are on about Caitlyn, somebody sent a 'funny' joke on Facebook earlier.......not that funny to be honest. But probably typifies why there will always be issues with being seen as 'different'.
Anyway, as promised, have uploaded a few pics I have taken around the city the past week or so. If you like them I'll try and add some more as i take them.
Have a good week
The myth of Activist Judges
As somebody who gets 100% of their entertainment from online sources, I also get 100% of my news from online sources. One source of news I use is Yahoo.com, which features some of the most diverse and progressive articles written on a mainstream web news source. The comments section of these news articles, however, seems to be made up of some of the most staunch neo-conservative and fundamentalist christian people on the internet outside of forums dedicated to those political/religious affiliations. While homosexual marriage seems limited to homosexual rights, Transgendered people are caught in the crossfire because many states that have denied marriage to homosexuals have also denied marriage to transgenders and transsexuals.
Within the last week, a Judge in Florida issued a ruling that essentially annulled the anti-homosexual marriage law passed in Florida sometime in 2008. This judge issued his ruling with the statement,
"The preliminary injunction now in effect thus does not require the clerk to issue licenses to other applicants, but as set out in the order that announced issuance of the preliminary injunction, the Constitution requires the clerk to issue such licenses."
This judge is essentially saying it is not the injunction that is requiring the state to issue gay marriage licenses, it is the US Constitution that places this requirement on the states, and that the injunction is just an order by the courts to the state of Florida to follow the Constitution's provisions.
The article written for Yahoo! News can be found here: http://news.yahoo.com/federal-judge-allows-gay-marriages-begin-across-florida-225319224.html
If one is to scroll down to the comments section, the tone towards homosexuals flips a switch. Here is a small selection of comments from that section:
"This is just plain wrong and I’m confident is sharing that none of us Christians like this federal judge making decision for us Christians down here in the south."
"One of the biggest moral mistakes in human history is to have same gender individuals believe they can marry.
Genesis 2: 24
Same gender unions lack the tools to have or demonstrate proper relations.........."
"Does the 14th amendment cover father son marriage? See how the liberals havent covered all their lies. Never was gay so called marriage ever thought a right denied. And just as the 14th amendment DOESNT cover father son marriage, NEITHER does it over gay so called marriage. "
These fundamentalist christian comments are common in the Yahoo! news comments section. However, when it comes to articles written when a federal judge issues an injunction within a state to respect the constitutionally guaranteed right to equal marriage rights, there is one comment that pops up every time:
"The people voted and spoke, and did so very wisely.
Then another activist judge, with no understanding of The Law or our US Constitution comes along to be a spotlight whore."
These types of comments are common on homosexual marriage injunction articles, and not just on Yahoo! News articles, but all over the internet. Lets take a moment to examine the claim that judges that place injunctions on states to respect homosexual marriages, and by extension transgendered marriages, are activist judges.
First we must dissect the term Activist Judge. While such a term has yet to be defined in a denotative way, it is obvious Activist Judge implies that an activist judge is using his/her power as a judge to push his/her own political or social agenda. There are, obviously, many problems with this label.
The first problem is that this name calling ignores the Supreme Court's decision on homosexual marriage, in specific its ruling on the Defense of Marriage Act (Love that name by the way; it implies that homosexuals are some how attacking marriage by wanting to get married). If you happen to be out of the loop on that, SCOTUS ruled 5 to 4 (divided across party lines, obviously) that the Defense of Marriage Act was an unconstitutional law.
Those who call federal judges who place injunctions on states Activist Judges are ignoring the Precedent system the courts use. In america, all federal courts are actually assistant courts to the Supreme Court (see the origins of lower courts during America's early history), which means that any rulings the Supreme Court makes are precedents for the affiliated lower federal courts. If you are unfamiliar with precedents, precedents are simply a system in which lower courts are expected to maintain consistency with higher courts by taking previous rulings as preceding rulings to the challenge at hand. If, for example, the Supreme Court rules that laws limiting speed limits to 50mph are unconstitutional, the Supreme Court is also implying that its lower courts hold that ruling as a precedent to further challenges to speed limit laws. This would mean any time a lower federal court receives a challenge to speed limit laws after that ruling, they are expected to respect the Supreme Court ruling as a preceding ruling and must rule in favor of the precedent or push the challenge up to the Supreme Court.
In the situation of homosexual marriage, SCOTUS' decision on the Defense of Marriage Act serves as a precedent for challenges to state level homosexual marriage bans, essentially requiring state level judges to rule in favor of homosexual marriage under the precedent of SCOTUS' ruling on DOMA. Even if a judge believes a state ban on homosexual marriage is somehow constitutional, their hands are tied by the precedent of SCOTUS' ruling on DOMA. A federal state judge must rule in favor of homosexual marriage. So far, the best thing a federal judge has been able to do for anti-homosexual marriage proponents addressing challenges to their state-level bans on homosexual marriage was to push the challenge to the Supreme Court to get a direct ruling on whether or not states are required to follow the ruling on DOMA as a generic ruling on homosexual marriage bans. However, as a side note, since SCOTUS has refused to revoke marriage licenses that homosexuals have as they move from a state that allows homosexual marriage to one that does not, it is my personal opinion that when that challenge hits SCOTUS they will quickly rule that states must respect the constitutionally guaranteed right to equal marriage rights.
In addition to ignoring the precedent system, the assertion that judges that rule in favor of homosexual marriage are activist judges is a misnomer. While I recognize there may be specific, rare incidents of judges ruling outside the law to serve their own political agenda, this is not the case on homosexual marriage rulings. In this case, a precedent is in place which implies the right to homosexual marriage is a constitutionally guaranteed right.
The point is ALL judges are activist judges; all judges are attempting to push a singular political opinion: The Constitution is the highest law in the land. All judges are activist judges pushing for the constitution, and that is not only their job, it is what the constitution says is SCOTUS' only purpose, and by extension the only purpose of its lower courts.
-By Taylor Cogdill
Amare atque Pace, Semper.
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In the part of Kentucky that I live in everyone is religious and I mean that to the most extreme of existent(of course it's nothing like the WBC.).
Anyway ever since I was small I related more toward boys thank I did the girl's my age. However it wasn't my parents that were the problem...No both my parents provided neutral choices and let me choose whatever I liked and for that I am
grateful. However the one thing that I can never shake is the fact that I was
Forced to go to church as a preteen.
I was around eleven when she started making me go. Sure I had went up until that point but I always had a choice. Now don't get me wrong I am religious but my
Mom's reasoning is what I don't completely understand because it was when I was around that time when I chopped my hair off for the first time.
Now in my mom's opinion a girl/woman is suppose to have long hair and she expected me to follow that code. But the thing was, I hated my hair....I could always imagine myself with something similar to a buzz cut and always said that was what I would do when I got older.
The hair style I settled for back then was more of a pixie cut than anything else because the hairdresser refused to do what I wanted(hair dresser was my cousin also so she knew my mother.)
Needless to say my mom freaked out and basically asked me why I wanted to look like a boy.
At that time I had no answer. So she assumed that I was lesbian and made me begin to wear dresses and skirts and asked the preacher to pry for me since I was going through a phase after the passing of my dad.
Everyone I knew (minus a few cousins that got forbidden from talking to me during this time) began to tell me how I was wrong for wanting to be like a guy and I started believing it; even if I still dressed in pants and kept my hair shorter than my mom would have liked.
This lasted up until I met this one girl invited me to come to her church. she's in her mid twenties now though I have no idea what age she was at that time
Though she was obviously older than me.
I'll call her "A" to respect her privacy but she was the reason I didn't turn my back on religion.
You see what made "A" different was that she was masculine and she felt the same way toward girls as I did, and the best thing was...the preacher at her church knew.
He didn't agree with any of it but he didn't judge and that was more than what I could have asked for at that age.
For that short while I didn't feel lost, I felt like I could finally be myself but it wasn't meant to be because "A"s parent's had gotten divorced and she was moving in with her dad downstate.
Again I fell into a slump because hardly anyone understood how I felt; even the guys I had use to hang out with only saw me as a girl and I hated it.
I think I had only five friends in middle school and only one knew how I felt and didn't try to change me and actually helped me through a lot of my emotional problems during that time and even if her and I are not on speaking terms at the moment I still owe her a lot just for putting up with me back then.
High school was a different story all together. I met a group of students that had a lot in common with me. One was MTF and actually on hormones, one was FTM and the other four was just crazy.
It was because of them that I started expressing my gender identity and even had my hair cut in an almost army fashion for the first time. But like always people's always saying
"You're going to get kicked out of church."
So what? It's just a building and there are churches that would accept me. Just because I am not comfortable with the gender I was assigned at birth doesn't mean my faith has lessened.
My mom still see's me as a girl...My brother is homophobic and everything else in between but most of my family knows something's up with me; especially when I tell them to call me Lane.
But I know that if I ever want to be happy I have to break away from the social norms and be my own person; even if it means losing the support and love of members of my family.
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First, let me welcome you to my blog. I am Amber and these posts will most likely end up as my random thoughts when I have time to write them. Second, let me give you a quick back story. I am a life long crossdresser, I remember being about 4 years old the first time I snuck into my mothers clothes. It was about the age of 6, my mother caught me for the first time and I really truly felt like something wasn't right. I also for the first time realized I was going to have to hide what I truly felt, otherwise it was just going to be trouble. I managed to make it until my early 20's before I drunkenly stumbled upon my dad in the kitchen one night, in full drag, after partying with my now wife. Let's just say it still hasn't been brought up since. A side from my wife, there are not many people in my life who understand. She is an absolute angel and I can never thank her enough for everything she does and puts up with. She is a brilliant, strong woman who has the biggest heart of anyone I know.
Flash forward to now, we live our day to day lives, I work 1st shift at a factory. No one there knows. Once I'm home after a long day, I can be myself ... to an extent. My wife's one request was to keep things from our son, at least until he was older, as to not sway his own perceptions. I am fine with this, it just makes it extremely hard sometimes. Otherwise, I live a pretty awesome life, very active outdoors, try to be as socially active as I can stand, very happy just sewing away in my little craft corner. I express myself how and when I can, which has lead me to start modeling, I've been doing it a little over a year now and I am currently waiting on my 3rd set of images to come from the photographer. It is so much fun and really satisfies a nagging itch to create something beautiful. Well that's all for now. Gotta go start dinner Until next time.
Haven't felt like doing much of anything and really have been just going through the motions. My cat, the cat that Bree got when I was way down from my bout with cancer back in the early aughts, had her own bout with cancer and lost. Initially they thought it was lung cancer and gave us steroids to help her fight it, but it turns out that was just the secondary cancer. She stopped eating, started having seizures almost every hour and was falling apart. When we took her into the vet that's when they found the brain tumor just by looking in her left eye. The tumor hadn't been visible the last visit at all and it was pressing in on her brain causing the seizures, loss of appetite and all that. At fourteen years old and with no real options left I had to say goodbye to her. Our son was there, Bree was there, everyone that was close to her was there, but it was still hard as hell. I'm tearing up now writing about it and it's been a week. I imagine this is going to last a while.
I miss my cat.
I did start getting somewhere with my therapy. My therapist does like that I'm trying to keep a written journal which I write in when I'm feeling things and what thoughts are driving them since most of the time I feel numb and can't really feel anything at all except an overwhelming case of meh. Ultimately what she has tentatively diagnosed me with is Persistent Depressive Disorder, also known as Dysthymia. It's a possibly ongoing depression, not necessarily major, but it can cause most of what I've got going on in my head most of the time. She and I discussed my abuse as a child, we touched on my gender identity confusion, some of my emotional triggers and she did suggest that a combination of treatments would be good for me, so it looks like I'll be getting some medication to take some of the edge off while I try and work with her to figure out what I can do with or without the medication to deal with this, so I guess that's good. I don't necessarily feel good or bad about the diagnosis. I mean I figured I had something going on in there, only now it has a name.
I have been a bit mean to Bree and it's not been fair. I did apologize for it and I've been trying to be more mindful of my mood and what's coming out of my mouth or going on the keyboard. She doesn't deserve any ire I might be feeling. I've had a few really down days which hasn't been helping and I'm weening myself off of caffeine bit by bit. I'm drinking almost none at home and although I've been bad a few days here with lunch and dinner, it's mostly been water or tea. I'm drinking more water at work and less coffee. There is still a bit of soda but not much there. I'm sure that's been a bit of the issue, but being down makes me a bit of a jerk to be around, especially when I can't seem to bring myself to do or want to do anything and that's on me, not Bree. Ugh.
I did touch on my gender confusion with my therapist and we talked about why I've gone down the crossdressing route instead of pursuing transition and she did question if I'm doing it to please everyone else and not myself, and no, this is as much about what I need and want as everyone around me. While it was tempting to look at transitioning as this magic pill that would fix everything, that's not going to do it for me. The underlying problems I'm having that led to the depression will still be there and a whole host of new ones. I'd still have to deal with my childhood abuse, my procrastination, self-loathing, laziness and problems being social with people I want to be social with. That isn't going to just vanish with transitioning and right now I'm really doing the crossdressing to feel better and elevate my mood from being low or to raise it a bit so I feel happier, it's not so that I feel normal like I'd originally thought. I was doing it to feel and while I do feel more like my old self, I also get that when I settle in and have some fun at things I'm supposed to be having fun at. A few different road trips with Bree to our favorite restaurant and to the zoo and just being with her in general and engaging on the same level that we used to when we first started dating really opened my eyes to that.
Working some of this out has helped, but right now I'm kind of still grieving even while I'm trying to feel better and it's just kind of putting me in this spot where I don't want to do much of anything. Being a bit more creative has helped a bit, but I have to prod myself into doing that. Once I'm in that head space I have a lot of fun with it until things go sideways and then I just kind of shut down. I'm definitely a work in progress at this point. I have a whole host of problems to work through, but I have a great wife and life with Bree who's been nothing but supportive through all of this. I have a diagnosis now and at the very least a hope that I can get to feeling more like I used to with a big ole smile on my face.
Right now though, I'm still missing my cat.
[TRIGGER WARNINGS; INCEST, CHILD SEXUAL ABUSE, SUICIDE, VERBAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE.]
Basically the gist of this is never casually joke about suicide and incest, ever.
I've found that support for myself as a transgender person among other transgender people is almost non-existent. So the gloves are off. I'm coming right out with my worst secret and wanting it public.
This post isn't a fancy infographic and it hasn't any gifs of gyrating bodies. It has no pictures or selfies or cats. It has no links to news stories or articles. This post is a news story all its own. It's one of the worst things you will ever read. All of it is true. God knows I can't put hours into one of my other posts and exist. My posts require you to read. So here goes: no setup, no build, no background. No one's reading this far anyway.
My Mom knew I was a girl. But, she also had a thing for teenage boys and everyone including my friends knew it. When I was 11 or 12 she stripped naked in front of me and showed me how women masturbated. At some other point, we had intercourse. She was attracted to me. She needed her fix of teenage boys through me. We kept this a secret because we knew how violently my biological father would react.
Later on, we knew we couldn't live with ourselves. I was suffering from an eating disorder, bipolar disorder and gender dysphoria. I was vulnerable. At some point, we made a suicide pact. We would at least die on the same day, if we couldn't die together.
On March 17, 2009, the suicide pact was finally enacted. She died, I tried but didn't. Why I am still alive is a story for another time. Recently, I tried to tell my biological father that my anorexia had relapsed and I wanted to get some help getting something to eat. He chose to humiliate me in a public place instead.
I went home and stared at a suicide note I had written a while ago, thinking they would be my last words. My biological father has permanently surrendered his right to talk or look at me again.
It is a miracle I am still alive and I get no credit for my strength of character to avoid suicide. I am not the rich spoiled brat transgender woman that tv news and daily newspapers favour. My pain is much, much deeper than getting bullied at school. But I am invisible.
I do not hate my Mom. Her illness was not unknown and she clearly overcame it when my sister and youngest brother were most vulnerable. No physical damage or consequences came of it, like pregnancy or an STD. I love my Mom and I think in penitence she has become my guardian angel. She is a very good guardian angel. I also had a vision of her as The Shepherdess of the Garden of Twilight, the title of one of my novels. But her role as such a Shepherdess is for another post.
No, it is my other family I hate because of this. They should be taking care of me and helping me heal. Instead, they think I am better off never hearing from them, and if I never contacted them, I could accurately say I have no family at all.
I have been through 23 years of therapy for my damaged childhood, and my family. I will not be polite about it amymore. It has ruined my ability to enjoy sex with partners. But I said to my biological father "my anorexia has relapsed" and he chose to humiliate me anyway. My anorexia relapsed because trauma about my sex with my Mom had been released. My therapist thinks I'm cured just by saying I was sexually abused. I don't think any other therapist will help, please have empathy and do not suggest any.
I confessed these things because no one is reading. This is a long-form entry like my others and because it requires reading skills that high school students are no longer required to have, this blog entry is as invisible as I am.
My name is Debora Simon. My email is email@example.com | My twitter handle is @areaeightyfour | My facebook page is easy to find under Debora Margaux Simon | Please DM me on twitter or PM me on facebook or email me to contact me.
It's sunday and my wife is away at her parents, wont be back till tomorrow
The kids are downstairs with their mates, which reduces me to my bedroom; wish there'd all go out. But, oh well, i'm getting some me time. i can only dress up and imaging being full female,, oh, how i wish with all my heart, that I could share more of me with the world... :rolleyes:
I had a lot of fun taking these photos the other day but I thought about how hard it is for most of you to take a decent picture that will actually flatter rather then distort who you are. I took more pictures than I actually posted because some just didn't look right. I especially started this blog because I feel so much better and fulfilled since I took a good picture of my self and took the time to select the best. These pictures are exactly the way I took them except for cropping and making the files smaller jpeg for the internet. Please feel free to ask me questions about tips on taking your own photos. I would be happy to help you accomplish whatever results you are after. I am excited about learning more about make-up and my next photos hopefully will cover more of my beard shadow.
Some Basic Tips
1. Pick a neutral background as far aways from you as possible (this ads depth)
2. Use the same color temperature lighting all the way around
3. Halogen Lights are the best for back and rim lighting
4. Soft white light is best in front of the face. (do not mix fourescent lighting with other types or your face may end up different colors. lights should be placed at a 45' angle up and around left right front and rear like a box.
5. Do not use flash
6. Use manual adjustments and experiment until you get the look you want
7. shoot with a professional camera, lenses make a big difference
8. Don' be disappointed if things don't look right at first readjust light for most flattering look
9. Have more light behind you to flatter the edges of your clothing and hair
10. Supply soft even lighting to your face so as not to bring to much attention to what you don't want to see.
11. Use a tripod
12. Don't shoot through a mirror or glass
13. Take the time for yourself to get a good picture
14. Use a timer and a multi shutter camera can take a few shots in a second for various poses and expressions
15. shoot at highest resolution of your camera get a wider shot, you can always crop and zoom in later
16. Low angles and High angles have a significant affect on how the proportions of your entire body look.
17. Mirrors can be deceiving don't trust them.
18. Use the best lense possible.
Getting a good picture is absolutely essential for people like us. A great picture can help lift our self-esteem where a bad picture can really ruin the whole experience. I feel so special now that I finally got a chance to be special.
What are some of your experiences in picture taking?
It isn't much fun taking your own pictures Is it?
Are there many photographers who cater to transgender. I hope that someday I can provide my talents exclusively for transgendered and really focus on doing the best for a group of people that deserve it. Any thought? I am so excited about knowing that I would love to help others that feel as special as I did. Photo taking doesn't have to be expensive but good results do take time. Taking pictures of older people and especially transgendered is obviously challenging as we have so many more unwanted details we are trying to cover up. Love to have you as friends. Love to help you all.
I hope you enjoy looking through my gallery.
While I was sitting at home-.. Enjoying a cup of coffee and having an online conversation with a friend of mine who're also a transgender person.
Just chatting about clothes, make-up and everything between heaven and earth, suddenly like a lightning struck my mind is filled with doubt.
Am I really a girl deep inside?
Am I just having a gender identifying crises?
Can I really live with myself if I start my transformation?
Or am I just going crazy?
Most of the time I feel confident that I was supposed to be a girl, other times the thought makes me sick..
And then I can't help to wonder-.. Am I really a girl?
Reason why I don't think I'm a girl:
1. I was born and raised as a boy, and never thought too much about my gender.
2. I lived my teenage years hanging with mostly boys, acting boysih.
3. I am a cold person, and I am not so much in contact with my feelings. ( Or atleast I want to believe that.)
4. I keep getting these huge doubt/guilty feelings once in a while.
5. I have not, and do not act "Girlish".
Reason I am a girl:
1. It feels right when the doubt or guilt don't strike me.
2. I've never been interested in most boy stuff, football, cars, sports generaly.
3. I do remember some incidence from my childhood, and teenage years where I asked myself ( Why am I not a girl?)
4. I love girls clothing I feel like a huge weight disappears from my shoulders when I wear girl's clothing
6. I have always felt more comfortable being with girls.
7. I view myself as a girl in my mind, when I think forward, I see myself as a girl.
8. The thought of being a girl makes me happy.
9. I like to believe my mind IS a girls.
AND THIS IS WHY I AM CONFUSED.
I don't want to be a boy, but I feel sick every time I start to think about taken the next "step", confronting my family..
It all makes it seem to much easier to just-.. Keep being a boy.. Since I lived twenty years as a boy.
It'd save me a lot of pressure, confronting..
But it also makes me sad thinking about not pursuing my dream..
I couldn't think of anything else that would make me as happy, as finally living in the big city.. As a girl.
But yet I have these thoughts of remorse.
And why do I have them, they're stupid, annoying and useless as ****..
But Yet they keep coming up..
I keep wondering if I'm trying to force myself into being a girl, but in reality I'm just a very confused boy?
I didn't grow up as a girl, frankly if I ever said I wanted a dress I'm sure my dad would have beated me half dead.
I never knew you could become a girl, I had the thought, but I didn't pursue it, and I didn't question my gender.
I was born a boy, so I must be a boy?
Writing this helped a bit-.. I'm very confused once this feeling of guilt and doubt hits me.
Have a great day
Today I went down because my mom wanted to talk to me about my brother doing homeschool with me. After our conversation I went to make some popcorn because popcorn is awesome. A few minutes later she then commented that her soap opera has a transgender in it. At this point I am nervous on how she would think of that. She then commented "That's disgusting. I guess they have to make it more modern. What has the world come to?" My heart instantly dropped.
I quickly finished what I was doing in the kitchen and ran upstairs to my room. I am full of emotions right now. Angry, sad, confused. Right when I was starting to crawl out of the pit of depression, I sunk back in. My mom basically rejected me, and the worst part is that she doesn't know it.