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  • Transgender Bloggers Wanted: Share Your Journey

    By Lori

    Create your own blog at TGGuide.com. It's FREE and you can start right now. Some people blog as a sort of journal to share our thoughts, feelings, experiences and insights. Others blog to express opinions on social and political issues. Others blog to share their knowledge and experience with others. Go ahead. Express yourself! Others may be grappling with issues you blog about and your words could provide useful insight or answers. Here are some blog topic ideas to get your creative juices flowing; A daily journal about your life and experiences
    A journal documenting when you go full time
    A journal to document your gender reassignment surgery
    Dating experiences and tips
    Crossdressing tips
    Experience with makeup
    Passing in public
    Your experiences when you go out in public
    Restroom experiences
    Transitioning at work
    Dealing with counselors or medical personnel
    Introspection about your particular gender identity
    Dealing with or overcoming self-limiting beliefs
    Dealing with addictions
    Dealing with self-destructive behaviors
    Interactions with police or government workers
    Changing your drivers license, birth certificate, etc.
    Applying for jobs
    Your big day, when you go full time
    Hormonal development (please don't discuss dosages or make medical type recommendations)
    Experiences with electrolysis
    How other members of your new gender react to you, and your experiences
    Your recommendations to others about to follow your path
    Your thoughts about whether surgery is necessary to be your desired gender
    Differences in how you feel dressed or not dressed
    What your life would be like if you still repressed your inner identity
    Poetry or prose
    These are a few ideas to get you started. Feel free to leave comments to suggest your own ideas, or just start a blog and share with everyone. Just log into your control panel to start your own blog. This could be interesting!
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Our community blogs

  1. Leo Tyler

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    It's been 8 months since I have been on HRT, and I am feeling great. It's amazing how smooth my process has been. I am a senior in high school and I already have my name and gender marker changed legally and I am living my life authentically, I am extremely proud of how far I have come in just 2 years. I have opened so many people's minds about my community and I have been given so many opportunities so represent my community. I can't wait to experience more!

    DSC_0027.JPG

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    It seems to me that it is every girl's right to dress as she pleases. I did from the age of 10 or so, and

    it has always been natural to me. Yes, men look at me, but isn't that one of a woman's perks?

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    I started dressing when I was 5 or 6...I used to wear my moms panty hose and heels...I just love the feel of the silkyness of the hose against my skin..And loved the way walking in high heels felt...My mom suspected something when she went to put on a pair of heels and there were none in her closet...She found them all under my bed..."Stupid kid" LOL....I continued to wear her clothes,gradually expanding to her panties,bras and dresses..I just loved the way wearing womens clothes made me feel..When I went to visit and stayover my grandparents Id sneak into my grandmothers rooms and go thru their stuff...My dads mother had this amazing bodyshaper I just loved...It had shoulder straps and came down to an opened crotch with garter straps....I would have it and thi high stockings on the entire time I was there...I just loved looking at myself in the mirror.....As I got older and started going over friends houses I started looking thru their moms stuff...There was nothing like finding sexy panties and lingerie...Id always try something on....And once I got caught...But my friends father didnt let on he knew till awhile later when I went to see if my friend was home...Thats how I got introduced to the wonderful art of oral sex...But thats another story......KISSES

  2. Marina

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  3. I would like to ask all the other people out their if anyone has ever tried some of those tanning lotions.Earlier this week I bought some of the jergens brand.I have been using it for about the days and I think I can start to see A difference.Befor I bought it L looked around and none of the people I talked to had anything bad to say about it,But one thing everyone did say is that they all leave your skin with A yellowish color.For me I have only used it on my legs so any change is A good change.Im starting to see that yellowish color but I really hope it well all blend in.Other then that this week was pretty good.The only real downer was my unemploed brother constintly calling to borrow money and now that I have stopped giving hem money he has started stealing from me and my parents.I see myself as more of a lover not a fighter but I have just about changed my train of thought on fighting.I cant say that I would ever hit my brother but stealing from my parents thats it for me.I love and respect my parents but let me ask What do u think u would do.Anyway the weekend well be batter I have plans on going to the beach and just having some fun.

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    On my last visit to the doctor I had my first experience of someone laughing at me in public as a transwoman. I am reasonably sure the laughing was about me but I chose not to look as I passed by the two young men. I felt like I was a little kid again, first day of school where someone made fun of what I was wearing. Following the laughter was some real faint whispering, when the men began to chat more about what they just saw. (what is ironic is that the two men whispering sounded like what you would expect from some little girls, not boys) I mentioned the experience to my doctor and she asked me how I handled it. I thought for a moment and came up with what I thought to be a pretty good plan of attack to this issue in my life. She liked my response and said that it would be good for me to write it down. I hope this thought process can also help someone else.

    For that one moment in time that someone may laugh or discriminate against you is it worth suffering a lifetime in the wrong body by not transitioning, just to avoid those little moments? After all, those little moments will pass again and again. Then you will be left with all of the rest of the time that you must live with yourself. So why not ignore the little moments and decide to be happy in the big moments of life; the moments that go on and on and have you in it. The moments when you really live life in your work, in relationships and personal time.

    Right now it seems like the little moments are big moments, but they are not. The real bad comments or looks are all passing moments usually from strangers. The little moments can turn into big bad moments if I let these things bother me and ponder them for hours or days. For every moment like that where I move on quickly, I become a stronger person. I learn that what matters most in my life is how I feel about myself (am I at peace with myself?)and my ability to live life to the fullest despite the challenges.

    I look forward to the day that I can look back and say I did it! I also look forward to each new day as I wish to try to enjoy the journey to womanhood to the best of my ability. As of now I am more like a little girl learning a new way of life and slightly different method of relating to people than I am used to and I should enjoy all of these moments as realistically as possible as I didn't exactly get to live them out earlier in my life.

    So in Summary... I am the one who lives with myself all of the time, my relationship with everyone else and the majority of my experiences with these people are only small moments in time. Which part in time do I want to enjoy the little moments that pass, or the big moments that can even give birth to smaller little moments that really matter?

    I choose life, my life, my way, my happiness.

    Amie

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    Beem having a hard time hiding the 5 o clock shadow need some make-up tips my make-up only lasts a few hours can't stand all the hair what are the costs for perm removel

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    Explain to me why i am always changing my mind. First of all let me start this by saying... hello :P i'm back. I've been away for quite some time, gathering thoughts and changing my future. Not towards my wanted goal tho. But of one that pleases everyone else. Including who i believe God to be. Most importantly, i just want to be able to become happy without the guilt and realization minus the fact that i'll be fooled into thinking what i WANT to do is the right direction for me...

    Is there a reason why i am the way i am. I am going to just spill my guts for everyone that reads this. First of all, my stomach hurts cause i am hungry... i am living in a hotel cause i have not been able to find a stable place to live yet, and i just broke it off with a girl. The girl didnt like the fact that i wanted to become a girl, i might add. That sucked. For real, it did. The point of the whole thing about telling her was to find someone i once had to support me, as well, in my all too knowing to be, transition. She wasnt for it at all. She didnt see me as a freak, but as someone that could still "be friends" with her. Which was fine cause when i kissed her i didnt feel that firework feeling anymore like i used to when i kissed a girl...

    So i think i may be gay... wait, bi. Yup, i think i am falling for a guy i have been hanging out with, but its too soon to tell if it will go anywhere. I dress up every now and again, but not much anymore. Its not the fact that i feel like a girl when i dress... but around the clock i just wish it had been different. I feel fake putting on a bra with no breasts to fill it in. I get irritated, being an understatement, when i wear panties and my crotch has to be taped in order to "look" female... Its irritating for me to be a man. I dont know why, but it seems as if transition is going to be the only way to get to where i want to be in life.

    A girl with a guy. Isnt that the way its suppose to be? Well, i see myself as the girl, until i look at my now covered with hair face in the mirror... then its too clear. I wasnt born a girl, i was born a guy... and that straight up PISSES me off! I am slowly becoming angrier as the days turn to weeks and the weeks turn into months, and the months have turned to be today, and all i can say is, "i am NOT who i want to BE!" I have more to give than this "male" body can express... and i just want to cry when i cant "be" myself, even when i am alone BY myself... :( If there was only an answer to my problem that i am willing to listen to...

    My mom has been SO supportive over the whole "i think i'm trans" thing, and i can barely talk about it with her cause i feel like i talk about it WAY too much! With everyone i ask for signs if i am who i think i am... and the answer differs, lol. But anyways she said something to me. She said that if i liked men then i was a homosexual. I told her that i didnt want to BE a man WITH a man. I wanted to be a girl with a guy, like i was suppose to be. So she said that i was a crossdressing homosexual... Sigh... theres something wrong with that. I dont really LIKE to dress cause i feel like a guy dressing like a girl and it pisses me off... once again, because i am in an obviously male body. I am in a position of listening to what OTHER people say, which is the only way of life that i know. I am a follower and thats a feminine trait. Doesnt make me a female tho, so i am told. So what makes me feel like i am who i think i am?

    I want to express something, or "confess", as my blog is called "Confessions via Laptop" for a reason, that i have some skeletons... I DO masterbate... BUT... i only masterbate when i am thinking of being with a man as a girl. Once i get done with it, i continue on my way living my life wanting to be a girl. So is my wanting to be a girl a "fetish"? I really dont know... maybe. maybe not... All i know is that the few minutes after, i am not horny anymore, so there is no "feeling" of feeling like a girl, OR a guy for that matter. But then later i want to be a girl again... even after a climax! So of course, i cant do my "deed" again, but i have this feeling of "Wow, life would be so much better if i werent a guy" So my mom thinks i'm gay... My male part thinks i have a fetish, and as Me, i just want to be a girl... period.

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    I Have been following all the Jenner news.  This has stirred some of my recent thinking.  What is the core of why we have our feelings and want so much to change.  I think there is a certain desire to see ourselves as beautiful.  Women express this better than almost all men.  When I put on a dress I feel changed.  When I see most other men I see most of them as lazy/unkempt, fat/heavy and scuzzy.  This is the excepted image of men.  I do not fit this image and I know I am stared at a lot by other men, usually in restrooms, who do not expect a beautiful looking man.  When I look beautiful (Handsome) day-to-day, I am often mistaken for a girl, even when in unisex or masculine clothing.  I usually do not go out of my way but I am well groomed, very tan, fit and now have longer styled blond hair.  I think some of why I wish I could change is rooted in the concept of beauty - and if men could also be beautiful in what is currently a woman's norm early in life - I think fewer would be unhappy with their body image and fewer would want to change.  Here is another thought.  I think is more acceptable to be changed completely into a woman than it is to dress and adorn ones self in a similar fashion.  Yes, I would love to wear a colorful attractive dress and show off my small waist and still not try to hide that I have a somewhat feminine looking male body.  However, I feel less anxiety when I go through the complete effort of hiding any maleness as I look completely like a woman.  Also, I actually feel safer in woman mode as I do not see myself as a homosexual; not wishing for men to lust for me in this fashion.

  4. Latest Entry

    Howdy,

    I worte a summarzing post about 1st anniversary of my HRT and blogging.

    Hugs,

    Sophie

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    I want my HRT really bad and the Dr says I can't have it yet because my kidney function is elevated and my liver enzymes are high, but my other Drs cleared me for the treatment and so I want the hormone treatment, I've had the blood tests to show where my testosterone levels and my estrogen levels were, now it's up to the Dr. :angry:

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    hi everybody wherever you are love joy happeness be with with you all thisa is my first blog so i know i will make mistakes so plse forgive me if i do at this time im in transition and hrt in the hope that one dayi will be what i want to be its not easy is it for any of us we face lots of problems which we all have to overcome in our quest to be ourselfs i welcome all comments good or bad so please feel free to do so i look forward to talk with you in the future You know sometimes you have to forget whats gone appreciate whats remains and look forward to whats coming nextl

  5. Here is an update on what's been happenning in my life thus far...Now that I am fast recovering from that awful virus I had, I had an appointment to attended a lung and chest clinic last week where I was diagnosed as having stage 2 COPD, This has had an effect on me more than I thought it would in so much as re-evaluating my transition.

    At the moment my head is just so full of doubt and thoughts about whether it is worth transitioning in the light of this information.

    I am at this time no nearer any conclusion as to my next step, I don't want to fit in anyone's mold's of what they think a person should be. I am who I am, and I'm not sure what that is, but at the moment I am content in my confusion.

    I am currently working on a plan to live my life as female full time, How long this will take is anyone's guess but being transgender is much harder than I had anticipated. I am currently stuck in a state of limbo in my transition, but I have made some serious decisions about what I want and need.

    I know now that I do want to be female full time but I am quite unsure of what direction I am headed.

    All of this coupled with stress of being restricted in my current personal situation and the financial worries has backed me into a corner. Is there a way out of this corner??, Is there light at the end of the tunnel?? (We will see)

    Well I hope all this makes some sort of sense, I am sure I will get to go in the right direction eventually with all the support I have been receiving from my brother and other members of my family and of course my friends.

    Take care my friends, love you all

    Hugs

    Sophie x

  6. I have asked some of my women friends and about half swear that semen does not have a scent or flavor to it. I believe that it does have scent and flavor. Kind of like a sweet and honeysuckle scent! I would like to hear from all of you in the community as to this question only through your own experiences. You don't have to give details but rather if you noticed that there is scent and taste. I am wondering is it me or are other people's sense of smell off. Thank you and have a great day!!!

  7. Latest Entry

        Today my mother and I went out to get a tree. I picked out a blue spruce. It's really pretty and smells good. We are still putting on the ornaments but it looks really nice.

        Christmas will always be my favorite holiday.1449353216100-2129794634.thumb.jpg.088ecTheres our tree!

  8. I won't be going into all the background here. You can find that in my previous entry, "Why I Told Mom"

    I'd been advised by my therapist that I should just wait for Mom to contact me. I'd followed that advice until this week. The day after Christmas, I called her to wish her happy holidays. That wasn't all we talked about.

    Near the end of the referenced entry, I described call the woman I thought was her best friend in the area. At the beginning of the new conversation, I asked Mom how she felt about that. She'd been shocked that I had told Judy at all. I told her I'd done it only because I'd been concerned that she would be behaving as I would, taking on all the guilt, no matter how undeserved, and beating herself up emotionally. I repeated that I'd called Judy for her, not for me.

    I next asked how she and Judy had gotten along. Mom said they've become even closer. I'm pleased. I think I did something right this time.

    After that, I explained why I'm estranged from my brother. It's because he is just another bully. Throughout our adult lives, at every opportunity I've given him, he's told me what I should do and how I should live. When we were facing eviction several years ago, my wife made me call him and ask for his help. He didn't agree. Instead, he went behind my back and made an arrangement with the apartment complex. Each month for 4 months, I had no way of believing that we wouldn't be evicted and the stress was incredible. They had also agreed that I was not to be told anything at all and the manager lived up to that.

    Eventually, I found a contract and was able to pay the rent myself. Unfortunately, that contract too ended too soon and we were unable to save for the future. Once again, my wife made me call my brother to ask for help. I also checked if he had been the rent fairy before and he admitted he had. This time, he agreed to lend me more money. Thankfully, I needed only one month's rent that time.

    Another contract, another job search, another time unable to pay the rent. Another call to him. One too many trips to that well, though. Instead of the help we needed, he was angry at me and yelled that he wanted his money back right then. He pulled a complete 180 degrees from telling me to "pay it forward" to "pay me back!" That was the last time I've spoken with him.

    I didn't give Mom all the details I've described here but I made it clear that I feel he is a bully and has been since high school, that I won't put up with that kind of treatment anymore.

    She told me that she was going to stay out of what happens between us. Apparently, she figured out that it could do no good. And I'm good with that.

    I'm still employed only on short-term contracts, there will come a day when I will need help again, but there will never come a day I will turn to either of them for financial help.

  9. Hi

    iv had a interesting week, two week ago I told a friend about me over email and spent the rest of the week answering questions every thing was going fine she was cool with every thing and keep tell me we should meet up and talk properly about it. so I have booked some time off work and told her I can come and see her any time over that week. and now I haven't any thing for three days I'm hoping she is just to busy but have a feeling I'm not going to hear from her again. just have wait a bit longer if I haven't heard from her by next Wednesday I'll email and see what's happening.

    Emma

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    First off, Mothers Day.

    Happy Mothers Day to my wonderful mom. I have no idea how I would have made to now without her. I love her so much and with all my heart. She is my hero.

    No. It has no always been easy. The last few months have been a great example of that. Some would think I broke my mother's heart with my decision to transition. But I think it would have broken her heart more to lose me to the deep depression I was headed for. Because who know where that would have taken me. I was headed for a dark place. I had to tell my parents. I had to tell them what was going on with me. Simply because they are a part of my life. The last thing I wanted was to hid what I was doing from them, then to show up looking totally different.

    I have been watching videos and reading articles about trans men And how they grew up and the feelings they had. It sounds so familiar. I felt the same thing. I thought the same thing. I sent a video to Mom. I hope she watches it. And it helps her understand that this is something I have to do. That the feelings I have are nothing new and I am not the only who feels this way. And it also showed his Mom coming to terms with it. All I can do is hope it helps her. That it helps her accept me a little more.

    Another thing on my mind.

    The discrimination I feel from some members of the LGBT community. Not any of my friends. Those people of been more the accepting and understanding and very very supportive. I am talking about some "family" I have met since. The looks, the questions, the exclusion I feel. From the butch lesbians, it is like "How dare you desert us?!?" And from the femmes out there, it more of "Another one bites the dust.". I didn't realize that the gay world was just as closed minded as the straight world. And I feel very disappointed about it. Heart broken really. I spent most of my life being discriminated against because I was a tom boy growing up. "Why can't you be more like a girl?" Then coming out as a lesbian, "Why can't you be straight?" and, "Why would you chose to be gay?" Now as a trans gender man, and being a straight man at that, I feel that the struggle to fit in and belong to a community is starting all over again. I feel like an outsider in the community that is supposed to be about acceptance and tolerance. LGBT does stand for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual AND Transgender.

    It makes me wonder if I will ever find my place. Find my community. Or will I always be looking and searching for the acceptance I am desperately seeking? I don't announce myself to new people as trans gender. I just introduce myself as Dustin. Since that is my name after all. I see the looks I get from people. I "see"the questions. The standoffishness. (Is that a word?) Of course, it doesn't help that some at my place of employment, say "she" with obvious emphasis. Just to make sure the confusion goes deeper. I think I have to insist on being called "he". I honestly thought it wouldn't bother me that much but it does. I can live with being called my old name. I am treating it more like a nick name at this point. Most people are doing pretty good with correcting themselves so it's good. I don't want to be an asshole about it all but I do want that level of respect that everyone deserves. I really feel that once I have surgery, the looks will change. Plus, I want to up my dose of testosterone. I need to see my doctor about it. In between my shots, I start feeling off. Like something is wrong. Almost like a PMS feeling. I feel angry and aggressive. I am ready to take the next step and up my treatments. I want, no. Need to take the next step.

    I also have an opportunity to get a new job. I know I know. I love my job. But the new job pays way more money. It would still be Monday to Friday. 6 to 2:30. So an awesome shift. It would ease my mind about bills. And allow me to save more money towards surgery. The benefits are great. The people are pretty cool. I would get to work with my BFF again. I guess the only real problem would be asking my boss for a letter of reference for the potential new job. My boss has been so good to me. With dealing with my name change and my transition. As we are all aware, the only one I have really ever had a problem with is the douche. I admit, I won't miss him at all. I really don't know what I am going to do at this point.

    It has taken me all day to write this post. I keep getting distracted by Facebook, T.V and sick cats. Bean and Fidget are sick. They are on the mend now. Thank goodness. We went to the doctor yesterday. He spouted a bunch of medical jargon I couldn't understand. They got some fluid under the skin to help with dehydration. And I was prescribed pills to give them. Problem is, the pills make the cats throw up. It s very hard to keep them hydrated if they are throwing up twice a day. So no more pills. I have a bowl of water outside of Bean's new little house (Thank you Auntie Tasha! ) and a bowl of high calorie dry food as well. She will eat when she feels like it and drink as well. Holding her down and forcing water down her throat is stressing her out more then being sick right now. The girls did get a steam bath today to help with congestion. Bean even sat outside in the sunshine for a while. I think she will be OK.

    The doctor also gave me hell for Fidget's weight. Not sure what else I can do. She is already on diet food. And I moved to a place with stairs so she would have to go up and down. It is not my fault she is lazy. Same with Bean. She has always been a tiny little thing. Granted. She is too skinny right now. But even when she is healthy, she is a light eater. I can't force feed her. She is not a big fan of wet food on good days. So. all I can do is try and maintain a good balance between my skinny Bean and my tumba wumba Fidget. Wish me luck.

    The Bro Code Article # 23

    When flipping through TV channels with his Bros, a Bro is not allowed to skip past a program featuring boobs. This includes, but is not limited to, exercise shows, women's athletics and on some occasions, surgery programs.

    Dustin

  10. I really think I lost it this morning probably because I've been off my estrogen for a week(intending renew prescription soon). But coming into this room I saw only things contaminated with the past. Things that made me angry, or only reminded me of who I was trying to escape. Rather then taking the rational “im the walking away route.” I ignored the option ripped piece of masculine clothing off the hangers even broke a few in a fit of rage I screamed in random protest of growls and liberating grunts covering every inch of my room with fabric. An made plans to go out with friends this week end to burn it. But even though I made this intended progress what to do I do next. Do I really burn though I think this idea is best this is who I need to be to the point of being assured . I want to eventually have to have another day in some kind of work force . Because being paid out of some type of Tax break loop hole, or stealing to get medication is eventually gonna run out. Is it really possible I can justifiably lie on a application and say im just a woman with out the background checks,id's or body examination's to prove the otherwise so soon?Times like this I really miss college or times i really wish i had much more interest in suicide so i didn't have to consider all this.

  11. I came home with this blog post in mind, thinking about it the whole way. But while I sit here and stare at my bright screen in a dark room, I some how second guess my motives. Either it to vent my emotions, or either it is to educate others. Perhaps it is a bit of both. I'm posting this briefly before I lay myself down to rest from work, having just gotten home and showered as quickly as I could before the routines of others came into play and prevented me from brushing my teeth. Again.

     

    The topic I want to drag into the open once more today, though I'm sure you're all tired of hearing about it, is Multiple Personality Disorder.

    It not only baffles and infuriates me to no end but it also greatly saddens me that anyone of sound mind would assume, even for a second, that this disorder is a matter of fiction. That the mere aspect of having Multiple personalities within your mind is simply a play at gaining attention or affection. The sheer fact of how challenging and frustrating it can be, and often is, completely confuses me when I hear others telling their friends how Multiple Personality disorder is a made up disease by people who crave attention. Much to the assumption that being transgender is only for attention, I suppose. I'd like to put a few things down that have very recently plagued me for the past month...

    I wish it was only for attention. I greatly do. Because if it were for the simple reward of attention, I could merely shut it off whenever it suited me and forget about it completely until I felt lonely enough to gain more attention from it. People hardly ever realize how difficult life can be when you're juggling your daily routine around several other opinions in your head. Something as simple as remember to eat breakfast can be a daunting task, as you may be just about to eat but another personality takes front instead, skipping the meal or not feeling hungry; and by the time you return...half the day may have gone by. Or perhaps you're a victim of 'triggers' that can easily upset other alts and send you into an episode of emotions and hallucinations. Perhaps you're driving your vehicle at 65mph on the interstate and your child alt decides that he wants to try driving like the adults do. This could spell instant disaster for not only yourself and your 'headmates' but for anyone else on the road as well.

    Any spare thought you have to yourself could easily be shared with your group without you giving permission for such. Any idea you have can easily be stolen from your thought, and taken by another. You may be neck deep in a task that you rather enjoy, when suddenly you're six hours away and your hobby is no longer in your hands. You wander and look for it, wondering where it's been placed. When you ask others, they'll simply ask you "Where did you have it last?"

    Well, that's simple. I had it in my hands. Six hours ago...But then they may go on to discribe that you didnt seem to worried about it five minutes ago. But they also do not realize that the body moved, the mouth spoke, the lungs let you breathe and the eyes let you see. But they did so for someone else. Your own body betrayed you and allowed someone else to misplace your things, change your channels, change your style. But its not even your own body, now is it? No, you share it. As daunting of a task as it is to share your personal things and to have to hand over possessions that you love dearly, you must also remember never to alter your physical because...you share it. It's not yours. Not really.

     

    Anything you do must be discussed in a group format, if possible, so as not to upset someone else that you literally must listen to for the rest of your life. Every minute is shared, every secret is spoiled. Any memory you wish to keep sacred and to yourself, you must spend extra energy to keep guarded. By the time you have your most precious memories guarded safely away from the prying eyes of others within your mind---you've far too little energy to even bother fronting at all. You may drift off for the day, for a week...for a month perhaps. Everything requires energy, and you must not forget....you share that too. 

    Your most intimate thoughts...you share. Your most secret fears...you share. Your most tragic memories...you share. Nothing is yours anymore.

    Sometimes even, you will discover your secrets have been shared with someone without your permission, and only because that alt had been clumsy enough to not delete his text messages...

    If you make a private account on a computer, a place to call your own and to try and hide away from the other voices that constantly ask you questions or bicker about when one should be allowed to color while the other wishes to watch television...dont forget. You share everything. That password you thought was your own? No, no..they often see those. Although you dont look at the keyboard, your mind remembers the placement and the letters and therefore; the words. The password is not yours anymore.

     

    Being a Shepard Alt is just as difficult and I implore everyone with DID or MPD to please appreciate the chaos that your Shepard must endure. They must be the ones to dictate who may come and go and when they may do it. When one may color while the other watches his television show, while juggling who will be able to go to work tonight and do a good job; all the while balancing out when your host may have private time of his own with his boyfriend. While doing all that, you must try to not play favorites else it makes the other alts jealous and therefore rebellious. And nothing is more frustrating than a rebellious personality who, by the way, also has control of your limbs.

    This is why it confuses me.

    Why the idea of this disorder being simply for attention is such a drastic blast of false assumptions that it makes my head spin. Well...our...head spin. Mental disorders and diseases take so much of your life away, that you hardly seem to realize you're even living anymore. It takes up so much of your time, that a year can go by and you regret not doing anything productive with it. Your job may be in danger of termination every time you decide to relax and let another take your place, as mine is in now. Unknown to me, jobs have not been done properly. This was brought to my attention tonight when I was informed that my duties are being limited during the summer, and my boss is doing everything she can to keep me from being terminated from too few hours given. Bless her, I know she is trying to make sure I stay employed. But she also is not aware of the personalities that I try so desperately to keep within my head. Fact is...she does not even know I exist. Simply that I am speaking in my host's stead, but she will only know me as him.

     

    And so we come to another piece of the never ending puzzle.

    Being invisible. No one will know you if you are not the host. Not really. You may never walk to a crowd and hear your name spoken first, or at all. You may not even see your name on paper unless written in secret by your own hand. You may or may not ever have the opportunity at physical affection or intimacy, as these are usually things that the Host keeps for themselves. If this is different for you, please understand that you must appreciate this. Not every alt has this opportunity. 

    Take every opportunity as a blessing, in fact.

    Some of us may simply be a manager, and never a person.

     

     

    Please be kind to Multiple Personalities....we are many, we are important, and we are often but shadows in your bright world.

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