MonicaPz

Dear Christy, Am being sarcastic here. Live in a very trans and homophobic city where it would be dangerous if I literally did what I suggested here. Am sorry for the misunderstanding. Yours, Monica

Dear Christy, YES, I agree we must vote with our dollars! Would like to see these businesses display the trans and rainbow flag decals by their doors! 😇 Thus far, only ONE business in my hometown of 15,500 display the rainbow decal, and NOT ONE the trans decal! 😥😢 So many businesses support the T/LGB Pride marches in June, yet they do not go beyond that, even displaying trans and homophobia in their business practices and treatment of customers. Thinking of buying some decals, challenging businesses to cut the hypocrisy and put their money where their mouth is! 😁 Yours truly, Monica

Dear Mike, It is sad that benign differences can provoke bullying. Am shocked I am seeing senior on senior bullying. That took me totally by surprise. Have been to five adult/senior social programs, and because they were small, compared to where I live, there was no bullying, until the last one, which catered to the wealthy. When I was bullied by a retired engineer (there are several in this group), I spoke to the director upon the second incident, because I did not want this behavior to become ingrained, telling her if this continued, I was going to quit. Even one of the staff members joined in, saying, that I thought the facility was a restaurant. Was prepared to ask our social worker if I could obtain two parakeets and not have to pay the $250.00 nonrefundable pet fee, like my neighbor, if I could get my doctor to write a letter on her letterhead stating I needed the birds for my physical and mental health. Still may go that route. What concerns me is that the school shooters of today will be shooting up senior centers in their old age . . . I am amazed this has not happened yet. How are country has become so emotionally and physically violent puzzles me. Yours truly, Monica

Dear MichelleLea, PFAFF (I believe it is a German made sewing machine) is the best sewing machine for home use. Sewing machines have really evolved since my mother's 1930's Singer sewing machine! Yours truly, Monica

Dear Christy, Emma and Jessica, My history with being bullied started with growing up with intense sibling rivalry with my youngest brother, who is 14 months my senior, and we still have serious problems as adults to this day. Seems like it spilled over to the neighborhood and elementary school from the home. My parents did nothing, thinking it was funny. I actually went around to friendly adults asking for them to adopt me! It was just as severe in junior high/middle school as in elementary school. At home, in the neighborhood, I became a loner, and bonded with adults rather than children. I helped my father with his chores when my brothers ran away to be with their friends. Also, I helped my mother with her chores. Seemed to bond more closely with my father than my mother, as my mother was much more emotionally and physically abusive than my father and openly shared with me that her oldest son was her favorite and that she thought I was a failure, and grow up to be no good. In high school and college, I kept to myself and made few friends. Always thought for myself and never let anyone intimidate me into who I should choose to be my friends. Today, when I encounter a child being bullied, I remind them they are in school to get an education. Most bullying happens in the lunch room, so I tell them to bring a snack, eat it, and tell the lunch monitor they are finished eating and ask for permission to go to the library. Because the library is quiet, and I encourage the student to sit by themselves at their own table, if possible, near the librarian's desk, no one will bother them. Tell them to do their homework, and then to read every book they can that is of interest to them. Was not bullied as an adult until I moved back to Dutchess County. Thought it was my fault, but now I know Dutchess County (and the cities therein) is REALLY a cruel county. It has gotten worse in the last few years, as it was a one large employer county, and now that employer is struggling, at least in the United States. Presently, I keep to myself in my public housing senior apartment complex (where a large minority or small majority are felons and/or ex-convicts), and two days a week I go to an adult Day Program (I am glad they are one of the few who don't call themselves a Day Care!) and I am either all the way in my apartment or all the way out, as in the public library. Senior on senior bullying is a VERY BIG PROBLEM, at least in the United States. It is so sad people don't grow out of this . . . Grateful for your friendship, Monica

Bullying Bullying is a problem for everyone, sooner or later, at every age and stage of life. Sometimes it's subtle and other times it's very direct. In short, a behavior becomes bullying when a person "triangulates," which means bringing one or more other person(s) in to act against the victim. Others may have behaviors we don't like, such as racism, but this is their problem, not yours. However, we have a right and obligation (bystander) to call out bullies because it creates an unsafe emotional space for all. Let's take a closer look . . . What Is And Is Not Bullying Bullying Telling others not to sit by or talk to someone just because you don't like them. Intimidating others into liking or disliking others. Shaming others about their weight or body shape. Intimidating others into following fads. Intimidating others into not accepting others based on racism, nationalism, ethnicism or gender. Spreading lies and rumors. Not Bullying Choosing to not sit by or talk to someone you don't like. Allowing others to make their own choices about whom to make friends with. Choosing to not be friends with someone based on the fact they are friends with someone you don't like if they do not agree to not talk about you with their friend. How To Handle Bullies Do not answer back. Do not look at them. Turn away from them, but discreetly keep an eye on them for safety's sake. Do not talk about them or the situation except with people that you are absolutely sure are trustworthy (people you know who won't repeat what you say to the bully or the bully's friends). Realize they will turn on somebody else, when they no longer have access to you. You are not the first, nor the last they will bully! Remember, everyone has been bullied at least once in their lives. Listen to music through headphones/ear buds to help you tune them out. Being the victim of bullying is not your fault! Be polite and respectful calling out bullies for bullying behavior. Do not be surprised if they deny it or outright lie about it. Be careful not to be a bully yourself. Why Do They Bully? Insecurity Self-dislike, or worse, self-hate Abuse survivor without getting counseling or some other kind of help for it Bullied themselves while growing up Mental illness Attempting to raise their "worth" to their friends Power struggle - they fear others will like you more than them They bully when their victim does not expect it, so their victim will be slow to respond. They will try to bully when you are in an enclosed environment, such as working behind the counter, riding the bus, co-working in a small office, etc. They confuse being aggressive with being assertive. Preventing bullying is the best way to address the problem. Allowing it to progress makes our community more and more unsafe, both emotionally and physically, for everyone. Anti-bullying education should start with parents, as part of a strongly recommended marriage/parenting and family life class for everyone. Children often get their first taste of bullying in sibling rivalry. Sibling rivalry has to be addressed early very pro-actively in a consistent, gentle but firm manner. We won't be able to rid bullying entirely out of our lives because it's driven by insecurity, that we all experience on occasion, but it can be greatly minimized, by mindful living. Would love to hear from others who have been bullied and how you handled it. Thank you.

Dear Becky, In my opinion, TGGuide is one of the best transgender support websites. We have members of all ages, and they are kind, supportive, and knowledgeable. Here at TGGuide, we do our best to keep this an emotionally safe space for all. May I suggest you read the comments in the Forums and Blogs, not forgetting to click on the links. Also, I would love to see your outfits on our Gallery. When you are comfortable, please consider writing comments on other people's posts, and having your own Blog (which I can see you are already doing a great job!) Feel free to ask questions and sharing your concerns. We are here for you! Yours, Monica

Dear MichelleLea, Growing up, my mother ironed EVERYTHING, not only sheets and pillow cases, but underwear, too, may God rest her soul. My Mom double starched Dad's shirts (double starch spray). She never used regular starch spray. As frugal as my parents were, they regularly spent the money to have clothes dry cleaned. If they could have afforded it, ALL THE CLOTHES for work and church would have been dry cleaned. Presently, I am content to fold or hang up clothes right out of the dryer! Your friend, Monica

What is Important in a Relationship What I have noticed is that many people create their own loneliness either by not being mindful of what they are looking for in a partner or what they can offer to a partner. Many people think that love just "happens," to them ("you'll know you're in love when it happens to you," as my dear Mother used to say, may God rest her soul). Here's an example, based on my own life, and I recommend people to make such a list so they can be more aware of their needs: What I Can Bring To The Table Supportive personality Fiscally responsible Kind Faithful Committed Monogamous Understanding Not demanding Well-mannered Low maintenance Wide variety of interests Not materialistic Simple lifestyle Not looking for a "Sugar Mama" What My Needs Are Supportive personality No drama No smoking No drugging No heavy drinking Faithful Committed Monogamous Must understand I am on a budget Open to Living Apart Together (LAT) Am allergic to pets/tobacco smoke My partner must be clean and dress neatly My partner must have the same degree of femininity (mid-butch) as me, or more feminine Basically, I could be with a wide range of women, rather than a "type," but they have to have an excellent CHARACTER. This is an example of writing it all down, instead of keeping it all in your head, so that you will have a more clear idea of what you can offer others in a relationship and what is important to you in a relationship.

Dear Friends, My mother what an excellent sewer. She had a Singer sewing machine from the 1930's. She sewed upholstery, curtains and clothes. Often, I came home from school to a new dress laying on my bed! My mother, although she was an excellent seamstress, had no patience in teaching me, so she hired a professional seamstress to teach me. Although I have not sewed in decades, from age 11 to 21, I sewed almost everything I wore. Glad so many ladies still love to sew! Yours truly, Monica

Dear Cynthia, Absolutely love them! Presently looking for holiday-themed clothing for myself! Have a Happy Thanksgiving and Merry Christmas! Your friend, Monica

Dear Emma, The bullies in my building just turned on me OVERNIGHT, WITHOUT any provocation from me. The social worker couldn't believe it! You are right, they are bonded by mutual dislikes and gossip. Am looking at another Senior Adult Day Care on November 23rd, the day after Thanksgiving. Will let you know how it goes. Got bullied again today. They've got the whole lunch room against me. These people went from friendly to mean in the space of 24 hours! The good people just left and are holed up in their apartments. The social worker is seeking grants for me to study under an artist in my community. Asked a good friend of mine why I can write here but not create art here. She said, "that's easy, writing comes from the head, but art comes from the heart." The sad part is that I thought I had made good acquaintances here in the last year. Where I live is not an emotionally safe space. Many of my neighbors are recent ex-convicts, street homeless and mental patients. The only solution until I can move to Seattle is to keep busy elsewhere, and only sleep in the apartment. Learned my lesson, and I am signed up for family housing, NOT senior housing! It is not by coincidence that we have a HIGHER DEATH RATE than HOSPICE! Jokingly, I told the social worker that the Coroner and Funeral Home should each have dedicated parking lot spaces! Volunteered at Hospice in Florida and Brooklyn, so I know what I am talking about! Your friend, Monica

Dear Emma, Am a cisgender Lesbian woman and I see you as much as a woman as I am. What are you? You are a woman. Just like some people look at the hump in my back and in their eyes, I cease to be a human being, but I am a cripple instead. Likewise, they look at you and you cease to be a woman but a transgender instead. You look like you have a circle of loyal friends who see you as a woman. Today, I thought I had a circle of friends, but found they were intimidated by a group of bullies (senior on senior bullying is a big problem in the United States, unfortunately), to abandon me and socialize with the bullies instead. This is why I am on the waitlist for Seattle FAMILY housing. Carefully CHOOSING that inner circle of friends is key. Your friend, Monica

Dear Christy and Jonni, Am using a lot less artificial sweeteners, and when I treat myself to a raspberry iced tea, I take it with natural instead of artificial sweeteners. Not only do I watch out for hidden sugar, I look out for "cheap carbs." Hoping to get it off and keep it off forever. Know I will look "saggy," but I am doing this for my health. My doctor tells me my cholesterol and triglycerides are still high, but a lot lower! Thank you for your encouragement. Your friend, Monica

Dear Jonni, You may want to consider attending a gender conference, where there is a supportive and non-judgemental atmosphere. Please stay away from Craigslist, which can be very dangerous. Perhaps some of our members can recommend some gender conferences that are near San Francisco. Your friend, Monica

Dear Jonni and Christy, Got to 269 lbs. at 5'8" and I realized I was only 31 lbs. away from 300 lbs.! Have been struggling with weight loss all my adult life. Lost 20 lbs. the last 6 months, and hope to lose another 20 lbs. in the next 6 months. Told my doctor I rejoice she's seeing less of me since my last visit, and that I hope she sees even less of me in our next visit, 6 months from now. Have noticed that I lose pounds, then inches, and vice versa, as I drop weight. Also, I hope to keep it off, as I historically have lost weight and inches, then kept it off for 2 years, and then put it back on, plus more. My mother started to lose weight permanently at age 60 (presently I am 60, and I will be 61 on January 19th), and I hope that will be the case for me. Presently I have given up all sodas, rarely eat out, and when I eat out, skip dessert and have only water for my beverage. Mostly, I work on portion control. Also, I let my friends know I am trying to lose weight, so they can hold me accountable. Your friend, Monica

Dear Christy, Became friends with a group of Gaymales. Had a conversation that was a first for themselves and myself, which prior to this conversation, they only discussed among themselves. They found the smell of women offensive, no matter how clean. Also, they liked the smell of men. Interestingly, as a cisgender butch Lesbian, I find the smell of even clean men offensive, and I like the smell of women. Your friend, Monica

Dear Christy, Am glad you are aware of the difference between "selfish" and "self-caring"! Your friend, Monica

The Headlines Are As Stunning As They Are Frequent An article by Corrine Goodwin for "The GayJournal Magazine" "Trump's transgender military ban 'worse than don't ask, don't tell,' advocates say." U.S. rolls back protections for transgender prison inmates Trump administration dismantles LGBT-friendly policies Health care new front for transgender rights under Trump In fact, the only thing that seems to happen more frequently than these headlines are the tweets emanating from the White House. The result is that almost every time I log-on to my computer or turn on my phone I prepare myself for the worst. Surround yourself with people who will cheer you on! It's More Than the Political Climate It goes beyond the politics of Trump and LGBTQ issues. You can't turn on the TV or the radio without hearing about the latest Hollywood scandal or sports star who has run amok. If you pick up the local paper you read about corrupt business people and politicians. But the worst - without a doubt - is Facebook and the ongoing barrage of memes and articles. I, of course, am a guilty party. I post news articles (I hope from legitimate news sites) and like the occasional snarky meme. But what I have learned not to do is to lull myself into thinking I am going to change anyone's mind about issues in that forum. Long ago, I discovered that no matter how many responses I might write to a post that I disagree with I am not going to suddenly gain a convert. The result of all this bad news can be challenging. I see it during our Renaissance Transgender Support Group meetings (www.renaissancelv.org) during social events, in emails, phone conversations and, of course, on Facebook - feelings of despair, powerlessness and even depression. Some people cope by ignoring the issues. Some simply become numb to it all. Other individuals focus on the fight. But in all of these cases I see one thing in common - a lack of optimism. Don't Dwell on Problems - Instead Find People Who Will Help You to Win! While not inevitable, a better future is possible. Working together we can build it and shape it. But in order to do so we need to surround ourselves with good people - people who will cheer us on. Cheerleaders are everywhere if you look for them. They tend to be future-focused, positive in their outlook, happy with themselves, they work to overcome challenges, and they find ways to enrich their lives. They are people that will inspire you to be a better person, provide you with motivation to achieve your goals, empower you to make the changes you need to succeed and cheer on your successes. They may be family members, friends, coworkers, or even the server you see every week at your local coffee shop or neighborhood bar. How Do You Find Cheerleaders? One answer is to exude a sense of optimism yourself. If you show a sense of optimism and positivity people will be attracted to you. Another tactic is to get active. Seek out causes that get you energized. Try to make a positive difference each day - even if it is with just one person. For me, I get positive feelings from teaching others and volunteering. By the way, cheerleaders don't have to have similar interests or goals as you. In fact - hanging with too manly people who have the same worldview can be suffocating. Instead, seek out diversity while looking for positive influences. Pride Season - The Perfect Time to Start Speaking of diversity and positivity, your local Pride Festival is a great place to find your cast of cheerleaders. You will be surrounded by people who understand and empathize with the struggles and challenges being a LGBTQ person and you will find that many of them have overcome adversity. That means that you can learn from their journeys and experience while taking in the sights and sounds of our wonderfully diverse community So, during your next Pride even, look around. Cheerleaders are everywhere. Seek them out. Let them know how much you appreciate them. Then, get active and make a difference!

Dear Jessica and Emma, Agree with both of your definitions of "inner circle of friends." One of my greatest disappointments was when I was accused by the Lesbian community of being a bisexual (I am not), when I was the only Lesbian volunteering for the Tampa Bay LGBT Hotline (mostly Gay men). Another great disappointment was when I came out to my family, and they rejected me, and I am still estranged from them. Have redefined "close friend" and "inner circle" to include GROUPS of friends, such as a Bible Study, a women's support group or a drumming circle, as well as my TGGuide friends. As I age, (I am 60), my definition of the above seems to change. If I find myself in a minor crisis in between meetings, I call a warm line, which happens about once every three months. Every so often, we have to reevaluate our definitions. Your friend, Monica

Dear Mikaylajane, Have been in and out of therapy all my life, and I am not ashamed of it. Sometimes I need to know, how much of it is me, and how much of it is where I live. There are areas in our country that attract mean and selfish people (everyone will perceive this differently). The beauty of therapy is that the therapist is not in your daily life, so they may see more clearly. Do, however, be careful in choosing a therapist, as some of them enter the profession to boost their own ego, or to attempt to resolve their own problems. Your friend, Monica

Dear Jessica, It brings me joy how you reached out to your dentist's new assistant, and asked your dentist to have her assist her on your return appointment. Now that's confidence! About names . . . They can build a child/person up or tear them down. Growing up, I knew a mathematician who named each of his children after a famous, historic mathematician. This put incredible pressure on each of his children, as they worried that they may not live up to their name. Please choose your name and that of your children carefully! Also, I am glad you acknowledged that the most important word in English is that of one's own name! Yours truly, Monica

Dear Emma, Rejection AND trust issues seem to be big issues for both trans and LGB people. Even before I knew I was a Lesbian, I knew I was "different," since I was four years old, and not only did I know it, but my parents and siblings knew it, too. It not only affected me then, but even now. Today, I received a phone call from my oldest brother, that my cousin and two aunts passed away this past week. This is the same brother that I normally receive four e-mails a year from. Last night our middle brother called him, but did not call or e-mail me. My youngest brother, did not call or e-mail my oldest brother or I, either. Only my youngest brother is going to the funerals. As far as I know, no members of my family who are Gay (all live in Portland, OR), are going to attend. Asked my oldest brother if I could have the name and address of my cousins who are the children of my deceased aunts and if my two aunts had charitable preferences (I am not into sending flowers), but I am going to e-mail him on that, as I am not on good terms with them, to cancel my request, in respect for their privacy. The upshot of all of this is, my two aunts and cousin, they are now all-knowing, and now know the full story. My cousin, who died, lived in Sweden (she married a Swede) but her family does not speak English, and I don't speak Swedish. Her sister is a Lesbian, who lives in Portland OR. The only reason I am on somewhat civil terms with my youngest brother is that I feel obligated to have a relationship with the grandchildren in the family, and through him, I have contact with most of the children in the family, during the Holidays. Do miss them very much, and I pray for them all. What is the upshot of all of this? Encourage all T/LGB people to form families of choice. Think this is more important than finding long-term lovers, although this is a nice bonus. Although most of my family and relatives feel I will burn in Hell for eternity, I feel that there are many planes in the Spiritual Realm, and each one will find their own Heaven, and I will find my own. Your friend, Monica

Dear Lauren, The "trophy" is for you and Corinne. The article was in the Fall issue of "The GAYJOURNAL Magazine," on page 16. The magazine comes out of Philadelphia, PA. There is a facing article on page 17 that I will share in about a week. Their website is: www.thegayjournal.net Their other contact information is: E-Mail: lvgayjournal@gmail.com Snail mail: Gaugler-Libby, LLC P.O. Box 421 Stockton, PA 18083 Like to call this "the thinking person's T/LGB magazine!" Your friend, Monica

When You Transition . . . Everyone You Know Transitions, Too Written By Corinne Goodwin in "The GAYJOURNAL Magazine" I began my so-called "path to transition" at the age of 55. That is when I finally said the words "I am transgender and I have to live authentically" out loud. Of course, I knew that I was trans decades earlier. I was not able to put a name to it, but I knew there was something different about me even before I started kindergarten. I was a real hard charger who worked 60 - plus hours a week and reveled in the privilege that mature white men possess. Of course, much of what people saw was an act. Finally, after all those years, the pressure had built - up to the point where it needed release or I would sink into an unrecoverable depression. Thank goodness I said those words. As most LGBTQ people know, there is an amazing amount of angst that is associated with being in the closet. There is also an intense feeling of being free when you step out into the sunlight. That, of course, it where Newton's third law of physics kicks in. You are finally stepping out into the light but for many of the people in your life, they begin to experience their own worlds of anxiety. In effect, you are transferring many of the burdens you have been carrying to them. THE TERROR ASSOCIATED WITH NEWTON When a trans person comes out to a family member the first thing they worry about is rejection. In my case I was married for over 30 years and I could not imagine not having my wife by my side going forward. I also had a son who is the light of my life and I had a small but close group of friends and work associates who I depended on. "What," I asked myself, "would happen if they reject me?" Would I be alone? Would I be disowned? Would I lose my livelihood? HERE COMES NEWTON Like I said thought, Newton's third law does apply. I came out gradually to my friends and relatives. In person when I felt I could and in letters, emails and phone calls when appropriate. Each time I did so, virtually everyone made the right noises and had the desired reactions. But, as I have been transitioning, some of the people who matter the most to me have struggled. My spouse, who has a large network of friends from our old neighborhood, through her church and her job stopped inviting friends over to the house because she did not want them, me or her to feel uncomfortable. To make matters worse, I was so wrapped - up in my world, I did not notice until she brought it up two years after the fact. My son was engaged to be married. In my mind, it was important to let him and his fiance know about me and my pending transition prior to the wedding - after all, it was only fair that she know what she was getting into. Unfortunately, despite an initially positive reception, soon thereafter, the engagement was off. To be sure there were other issues involved, but there is no doubt that my transition added to their tensions. Now I ask myself, what will be the impact on his future relationships? In my business circles, I began the coming out process as well. I have largely done so by having individual conversations but coming in this slow - roll fashion has its costs. One of them is that I asked my associates to hold my "secret" while I worked thought my lists. That is definitely unfair. Plus, clients and business contacts have not known which name, e-mail or phone number to use. Even more critically, it forces them to pause and think carefully about how they address me in meetings or group e-mails. This is confusing, a real time waster and an unfair burden. My friends have had to pay a price, too. I am excited about finally getting to live my life in a more genuine fashion. That excitement can lead to fixation where all I want to talk about is transition and everything related to it. Luckily, a friend recently said to me, "You know, it does not have to be 'all trans, all the time.' How about we change the topic?" After a bit of shock and self - examination, I came to realize that I may not have been paying their friendship back very well. THERE ARE TWO SIDES TO EVERY COIN Partners and spouses definitely have the hardest road. While a transitioning person's path is not an easy one, for them there are clear mileposts along the way to achieving an ultimate goal. That is not necessarily the case for a partner. Think about it . . . beyond navigating the issues of potentially coming to terms with a new version of the sexuality and the possibility of being ostracized by friends and relatives, there are dozens of new rules (mostly unspoken) that have to be renegotiated. These range from who buys the flowers on Valentine's Day to how you introduce your partner at a cocktail party or casual meeting to how you sign greeting cards during the Holidays. In other words, prior to the transition there was a relatively easy to understand script to follow. Now the script has been torn - up and there are few resources available to help a spouse or partner to find a new one. It is no wonder surveys show that fewer than 50% of all relationships survive a transition. IS TRANSITION SELFISH? The quick answer is "yes" and most trans people I know have struggled with the guilt associated with that selfish act. But, in the long - run you can not take care of the people who matter to you most if you do not take care of yourself first. In my case, I had to come to the realization that while transition is something I am doing for me, it is not exclusively about me. This is a reality that most transitioning people come to terms with sooner or later. Our family members may grieve just as we feel we are being born and our friends and coworkers will have to make significant adjustments in their thinking and relationships with us. But, in the end, if everyone truly cares about each other and are willing to negotiate and make the adjustments necessary, transition can be successful for all parties.